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Man Has Enough Of Neurodivergent Guest Crossing Boundaries, Kicks Them Out
Interview With ExpertSome people’s brains work differently, but that doesn’t mean that they should be treated fundamentally differently from the rest. While neurodiverse people often require support and understanding, overly special exceptions and privileges reinforce misconceptions about them that can limit their growth.
This man treated his neurodivergent friend just like anyone else by setting boundaries whenever he felt he needed them. But since the buddy was on the spectrum and struggled with that, it was harder to do so. Recently, he shared how he was pushed over the edge by it and even got shamed by his friends for it.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with Dr. Amy Nasamran, a licensed psychologist and founder of Atlas Psychology, and Dr. Matthew J. Zakreski, founder and lead psychologist at The Neurodiversity Collective, who kindly agreed to tell us more about neurodivergent people and boundaries.
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Boundaries are important in any relationship
Image credits: seventyfourimages / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
This man was unfortunately pushed over the edge when the boundaries he set with a neurodivergent guest were completely ignored
Image credits: gstockstudio / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Cat_of_the_woods
It’s necessary to teach neurodivergent people where typical boundaries are
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Both our interviewed experts agree that boundaries are important when interacting with neurodivergent people.
“Some neurodivergent brains really appreciate clear and concrete information, as this helps them understand and know exactly what’s expected of them in a given situation, and neurodivergent brains often love to follow clear rules and boundaries,” says Dr. Amy Nasamran, a licensed psychologist and founder of Atlas Psychology.
“Additionally, sometimes a neurodivergent brain is working on overdrive—or it requires a lot of effort—to try to figure out language, social cues, and social expectations. So boundaries help make these expectations clear, give neurodivergent brains concrete expectations to follow, and help protect needs, space, and respect for everyone involved.”
In a world where most unwritten and written social norms are tailored for neurotypical people, it’s necessary to teach neurodivergent people where typical boundaries are drawn and why they exist, says Dr. Matthew J. Zakreski, founder and lead psychologist at The Neurodiversity Collective. “When we have healthy, appropriate, and clearly stated boundaries, it helps all people involved have a better, safer relationship.”
Some people might be hesitant to set clear boundaries with neurodivergent people because they’ve been socialized not to ask the hard questions and be polite, even at the cost of their comfort, notes Dr. Zakreski. But with neurodivergent people, they have to get out of their comfort zone and communicate their needs directly, as a more blunt style of communication works more effectively with them.
Once a boundary is clear, a neurodivergent brain sticks to it
Image credits: EyeEm / freepik (not the actual photo)
To ensure that a boundary is clearly communicated to a neurodivergent person and understood by them, Dr. Zakreski advises avoiding any ambiguities like slang or metaphors, as they can be easily misinterpreted.
“The biggest thing with neurodivergent people is to ‘say what you mean and mean what you say.’ For a neurodivergent person, who tends to be more concrete in their thinking and language usage, the direction ‘sit down’ could be read as ‘sit down exactly where you are.’ And if they do so, it can create a power struggle with the person in charge, because now we’re arguing about semantics (the implied meaning of something) rather than the words themselves,” he further explained.
“You can avoid many of these challenges by being very clear in your communication and avoiding slang, metaphor, and other verbal shortcuts until you’ve assessed how much of that kind of language this person can use. And when you do make a mistake, be authentic and own the confusion and talk about how you can both do better next time.”
“Sometimes neurodivergent brains don’t pick up on subtleties, social cues, body language, or facial expressions as quickly as we might expect, so instead of hoping for them to read between the lines, sometimes it is more helpful to clearly state the boundary you are trying to communicate using clear expectations and language,” agrees Dr. Nasamran. Once a boundary is clear, a neurodivergent brain sticks to it, as they really tend to appreciate and adhere to ‘rules.’
While setting boundaries, Dr. Nasamran also recommends avoiding criticism, shaming, or blaming. “Neurodivergent people have big hearts, and they often care a lot about their relationships with others, so if they’re crossing boundaries, they’re likely unaware of it or how it’s affecting you. I’m also willing to bet they have already thought a lot about how to behave, what to say, and how to interact in that situation, so they are not maliciously trying to cross a boundary. They need further and clearer direction from you.”
A relationship with a neurodivergent person can be full of trial and error, but it’s important to approach it with positive intent. “Guide and teach them; call them in rather than calling them out. No one has ever been shamed into long-term growth,” concludes Dr. Zakreski.
Commenters thought the original poster’s behavior was justifiable
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What do you think ?
Mel in Georgia 3 months ago
A coworker who was on the spectrum, a brilliant and interesting guy, consistently checked in with his team to make sure he was behaving in a professional manner. He was so uncomfortable in many situations but wanted to make sure we were comfortable and let us know how we could accommodate his needs. I so admired him. This guy ... he gets off on making people uncomfortable, using his autism as an excuse. He needs consequences, and cutting him off is the appropriate one.
Day Andie 3 months ago
Your coworker sounds like a gem. This guy is a jerk. I'm wondering how this jerk can hold down a job. Does he continually burp in his coworkers or before his boss? Doubt it. If he can behave in one situation, he can behave in another. And if he's told that it's appropriate and continues to do it, then he needs to leave and not return. As for the hearing aids--I'm sure he doesn't handle things at work that he's supposed to keep his hands off, so he does know the difference in what's appropriate. Again, he was asked not to touch and didn't listen. GTFO then
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Zophra 3 months ago
Somebody can be neurodivergent, handicapped, etc. and still independently be an a**hole.
tee-lena 3 months ago
Hi. That's me. But for the most part I'm able to control it. Stroke makes it iffy on occasion
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Emilu 3 months ago (edited)
Being ND and being an AH are not mutually exclusive. You can be both. It sounds like the friends coddle the ND person "because he's ND/doesn't understand/sees things differently", which sure -- someone on the spectrum does see things differently and may take longer to understand some things, but "do not touch my things" and "do not burp in my face" are not particularly hard for anyone to understand -- they're not social cues; they are requests/orders/there's nothing to misinterpret -- and frankly if the friends treat every ND person like the ND person here I hope a decent chunk of them would be insulted, because that's just infantilising to them to think otherwise. They're autistic. Not stupid. Also, the ND person is foul, because burping in someone's face is rude and gross. Especially so after being asked to stop and not.
Marnie 3 months ago
There is being autistic and being an a*****e and sometimes a person is both. I wish people could understand the difference. For everyone involved, including the a*****e, it's better to recognize and deal with the behavior than to justify, excuse, or forgive it to avoid being labelled an "ableist".
Kathy Brooke 3 months ago
Quote from my late husband about our autistic Best Man "I've known him long enough to know the difference between things caused by his autism and times when he's just being a d**k". ANYONE Can be a d**k, neurodivergence is no excuse.
Sian E 3 months ago
I'm likely on the spectrum. I'm awaiting testing, (will be a later in life diagnosis as I'm in my 40s) but anecdotally I've had signs since childhood that would have been considered autistic now, but because I'm female and born at a time when girls 'didn't have autism', I was just seen as quirky. As a child I was taught boundaries. If I overstepped those boundaries there were consequences. Occasionally as an adult I've overstepped (not to the extreme as in the post), but I fully expect people to tell me that something is not acceptable and I will take it on board. You may have to explain why, as I genuinely don't always 'see' an issue but I absolutely wouldn’t continue to disrespect the situation.
Rosie Hamilton 3 months ago
AND that's the difference.... 'I absolutely wouldn’t continue'. Your consideratie enough and smart enough to know that there is a boundary. As a late diagnosed ADHD person, good luck with your diagnosis. 👍
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Upstaged75 3 months ago
It doesn't matter what type of mental or physical "difference" you have. That doesn't give you the right to be an inconsiderate jerk. And you also don't get to shout "discrimination!" because someone calls you out on the behavior.
Lazy Panda 2 3 months ago
The trying to hug while the person asked to be let go is just manipulative. If someone asks you to stop physical contact, then stop.
Uncle Panda 3 months ago
"There's nothing about being a member of a minority that precludes one from being a small minded little jerk." ~ Terry Pratchett (paraphrased)
Kate Johnson 3 months ago
Yeah, I'd just say please don't bring your rude friend over to my house again. This guy is just an AH. It has nothing to do with being autistic. His friends are clearly enabling the AH behavior. Maybe get some better friends.
Emilu 3 months ago (edited)
I had a client you would have *cough cough* "loved", Smeg. She kept rocking up trying to get us get rid of her fines because she had ADHD and this apparently meant she was a lost cause when it came to comprehending that the number on the speed sign meant "hey, don't go over this or people will get angry". Did this four times plus. Management sucked (as they always do) about that sort of thing; I told her if she hadn't learnt from the previous times we'd helped her out she'd need to a) study the lessons that'd been given there or b) go somewhere else because I wasn't helping her and would make sure nobody else would, and if she wasn't happy she could complain. Still waiting for the complaint. Love my job but hate when people try to milk it, not only because it's frustrating AF but it (potentially) makes genuine people look bad.
Load More Replies...
Lady Eowyn 3 months ago
As someone on the spectrum, this guy was just using it as an excuse to be an AH. Which he likely would have been even had he not had autism. Especially if he lives independently, drives a car, holds down a job. I'm 70 but wasn't properly diagnosed until I was 69. It was very hard for me growing up, especially when I didn't know why I needed certain things to be a certain way, but I did learn how to act and react. I still drive my own car and live independently, and did work when I was younger. My diagnosis was an explanation and a relief.
Veronica Jean 3 months ago (edited)
I have ADHD with object permanence issues. I can't put anything in my refrigerator drawers because I WILL forget it exists for ....months. If I am not looking at a clock I have no sense of time or how much time has passed. Does this mean I'm allowed to be late everywhere? No. I set an alarm that goes off every five minutes until I'm in the car, because that's what it takes. I don't use my fridge drawers unless it's for sauces with long shelf life. I work my a*s off to compensate for my issues so I'm not a burden to myself or others. A diagnosis is not an excuse, it's context. That's it.
Rika 3 months ago
The guy's reaction was obviously exaggerated, he was trying to fake being mentally disabled to avoid the consequences of being an AH. He might have some issues, but if he's able to live on his own, drive and even keep a job, he's clearly able to understand that he shouldn't play with medical devices (or anything that doesn't belong to him.)
Rosie Hamilton 3 months ago
Maybe not fake... but definitely doesn't care.
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Dav Carro-Ripalda 2 months ago (edited)
They/them are gramatically incorrect pronouns. Invented. They are not kings, they are not emperors, and, more important they is plural, and he/she/it is only one person. Singular in may aspects, but singular
Beth Wheeler 3 months ago
NTA That guy is doing this on purpose. He would have been told 1 time to not burp near me especially in my face. if it happened again I would tell him that he's being a disgusting pig! My oldest son's best friend has Aspbergers Syndrome and his brother is Autistic and will never mentally be older than 6. He is 30 or 31 now and has never done anything like that because the 2 boys and their sister were taught how to behave.
Scott Rackley 3 months ago
That's relatively on the cheaper end of hearing aids. My partner at work has a set that ran $4500. He's deaf as a fencepost without them, but he can read lips. Odd thing is I know ASL and he doesn't. Doesn't want to learn either.
Rimjabbathehutt 3 months ago
Unless there is somehow more than one of the same person, they/them are plural pronouns and I will not use those pronouns to describe you. You don't get to break the rules of grammar just because you want to play dress up. In this case, OP let it slip that it's a He. As far as being on the spectrum, yes, high functioning people on the spectrum should be able to respect boundaries. He was just an a*****e.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 months ago
But autism IS a spectrum. There isn't just one brand of autism. As a comparison, if you are infected with the COVID virus, you have COVID. There isn't a "spectrum" of being infected with COVID (only differing levels of severity) but if you have the COVID virus, you have COVID. You're not "on the COVID spectrum". But having autism is NOT like a viral infection. It is not as simple as "yes or no". It is a condition that has to do with brain development and thus absolutely IS a spectrum.
Load More Replies...
Mel in Georgia 3 months ago
A coworker who was on the spectrum, a brilliant and interesting guy, consistently checked in with his team to make sure he was behaving in a professional manner. He was so uncomfortable in many situations but wanted to make sure we were comfortable and let us know how we could accommodate his needs. I so admired him. This guy ... he gets off on making people uncomfortable, using his autism as an excuse. He needs consequences, and cutting him off is the appropriate one.
Day Andie 3 months ago
Your coworker sounds like a gem. This guy is a jerk. I'm wondering how this jerk can hold down a job. Does he continually burp in his coworkers or before his boss? Doubt it. If he can behave in one situation, he can behave in another. And if he's told that it's appropriate and continues to do it, then he needs to leave and not return. As for the hearing aids--I'm sure he doesn't handle things at work that he's supposed to keep his hands off, so he does know the difference in what's appropriate. Again, he was asked not to touch and didn't listen. GTFO then
Load More Replies... Zophra 3 months ago
Somebody can be neurodivergent, handicapped, etc. and still independently be an a**hole.
tee-lena 3 months ago
Hi. That's me. But for the most part I'm able to control it. Stroke makes it iffy on occasion
Load More Replies... Emilu 3 months ago (edited)
Being ND and being an AH are not mutually exclusive. You can be both. It sounds like the friends coddle the ND person "because he's ND/doesn't understand/sees things differently", which sure -- someone on the spectrum does see things differently and may take longer to understand some things, but "do not touch my things" and "do not burp in my face" are not particularly hard for anyone to understand -- they're not social cues; they are requests/orders/there's nothing to misinterpret -- and frankly if the friends treat every ND person like the ND person here I hope a decent chunk of them would be insulted, because that's just infantilising to them to think otherwise. They're autistic. Not stupid. Also, the ND person is foul, because burping in someone's face is rude and gross. Especially so after being asked to stop and not.
Marnie 3 months ago
There is being autistic and being an a*****e and sometimes a person is both. I wish people could understand the difference. For everyone involved, including the a*****e, it's better to recognize and deal with the behavior than to justify, excuse, or forgive it to avoid being labelled an "ableist".
Kathy Brooke 3 months ago
Quote from my late husband about our autistic Best Man "I've known him long enough to know the difference between things caused by his autism and times when he's just being a d**k". ANYONE Can be a d**k, neurodivergence is no excuse.
Sian E 3 months ago
I'm likely on the spectrum. I'm awaiting testing, (will be a later in life diagnosis as I'm in my 40s) but anecdotally I've had signs since childhood that would have been considered autistic now, but because I'm female and born at a time when girls 'didn't have autism', I was just seen as quirky. As a child I was taught boundaries. If I overstepped those boundaries there were consequences. Occasionally as an adult I've overstepped (not to the extreme as in the post), but I fully expect people to tell me that something is not acceptable and I will take it on board. You may have to explain why, as I genuinely don't always 'see' an issue but I absolutely wouldn’t continue to disrespect the situation.
Rosie Hamilton 3 months ago
AND that's the difference.... 'I absolutely wouldn’t continue'. Your consideratie enough and smart enough to know that there is a boundary. As a late diagnosed ADHD person, good luck with your diagnosis. 👍
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 3 months ago
It doesn't matter what type of mental or physical "difference" you have. That doesn't give you the right to be an inconsiderate jerk. And you also don't get to shout "discrimination!" because someone calls you out on the behavior.
Lazy Panda 2 3 months ago
The trying to hug while the person asked to be let go is just manipulative. If someone asks you to stop physical contact, then stop.
Uncle Panda 3 months ago
"There's nothing about being a member of a minority that precludes one from being a small minded little jerk." ~ Terry Pratchett (paraphrased)
Kate Johnson 3 months ago
Yeah, I'd just say please don't bring your rude friend over to my house again. This guy is just an AH. It has nothing to do with being autistic. His friends are clearly enabling the AH behavior. Maybe get some better friends.
Emilu 3 months ago (edited)
I had a client you would have *cough cough* "loved", Smeg. She kept rocking up trying to get us get rid of her fines because she had ADHD and this apparently meant she was a lost cause when it came to comprehending that the number on the speed sign meant "hey, don't go over this or people will get angry". Did this four times plus. Management sucked (as they always do) about that sort of thing; I told her if she hadn't learnt from the previous times we'd helped her out she'd need to a) study the lessons that'd been given there or b) go somewhere else because I wasn't helping her and would make sure nobody else would, and if she wasn't happy she could complain. Still waiting for the complaint. Love my job but hate when people try to milk it, not only because it's frustrating AF but it (potentially) makes genuine people look bad.
Load More Replies... Lady Eowyn 3 months ago
As someone on the spectrum, this guy was just using it as an excuse to be an AH. Which he likely would have been even had he not had autism. Especially if he lives independently, drives a car, holds down a job. I'm 70 but wasn't properly diagnosed until I was 69. It was very hard for me growing up, especially when I didn't know why I needed certain things to be a certain way, but I did learn how to act and react. I still drive my own car and live independently, and did work when I was younger. My diagnosis was an explanation and a relief.
Veronica Jean 3 months ago (edited)
I have ADHD with object permanence issues. I can't put anything in my refrigerator drawers because I WILL forget it exists for ....months. If I am not looking at a clock I have no sense of time or how much time has passed. Does this mean I'm allowed to be late everywhere? No. I set an alarm that goes off every five minutes until I'm in the car, because that's what it takes. I don't use my fridge drawers unless it's for sauces with long shelf life. I work my a*s off to compensate for my issues so I'm not a burden to myself or others. A diagnosis is not an excuse, it's context. That's it.
Rika 3 months ago
The guy's reaction was obviously exaggerated, he was trying to fake being mentally disabled to avoid the consequences of being an AH. He might have some issues, but if he's able to live on his own, drive and even keep a job, he's clearly able to understand that he shouldn't play with medical devices (or anything that doesn't belong to him.)
Rosie Hamilton 3 months ago
Maybe not fake... but definitely doesn't care.
Load More Replies... Dav Carro-Ripalda 2 months ago (edited)
They/them are gramatically incorrect pronouns. Invented. They are not kings, they are not emperors, and, more important they is plural, and he/she/it is only one person. Singular in may aspects, but singular
Beth Wheeler 3 months ago
NTA That guy is doing this on purpose. He would have been told 1 time to not burp near me especially in my face. if it happened again I would tell him that he's being a disgusting pig! My oldest son's best friend has Aspbergers Syndrome and his brother is Autistic and will never mentally be older than 6. He is 30 or 31 now and has never done anything like that because the 2 boys and their sister were taught how to behave.
Scott Rackley 3 months ago
That's relatively on the cheaper end of hearing aids. My partner at work has a set that ran $4500. He's deaf as a fencepost without them, but he can read lips. Odd thing is I know ASL and he doesn't. Doesn't want to learn either.
Rimjabbathehutt 3 months ago
Unless there is somehow more than one of the same person, they/them are plural pronouns and I will not use those pronouns to describe you. You don't get to break the rules of grammar just because you want to play dress up. In this case, OP let it slip that it's a He. As far as being on the spectrum, yes, high functioning people on the spectrum should be able to respect boundaries. He was just an a*****e.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 3 months ago
But autism IS a spectrum. There isn't just one brand of autism. As a comparison, if you are infected with the COVID virus, you have COVID. There isn't a "spectrum" of being infected with COVID (only differing levels of severity) but if you have the COVID virus, you have COVID. You're not "on the COVID spectrum". But having autism is NOT like a viral infection. It is not as simple as "yes or no". It is a condition that has to do with brain development and thus absolutely IS a spectrum.
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