Woman Was About To Check Out In-Laws’ New Pool, Only To Learn Women Are Not Allowed To Use It, Refuses To Ever Come Back
Florida has a mixed reputation, but there is no denying that it’s abundant with sunshine, beaches, swimming, and general outdoor relaxation. The idea of a woman taking a swim isn’t and should not be controversial anywhere and particularly not in Florida.
So one internet user shared her story where precisely the opposite happened. She and her husband were going to a football draft party at his parent’s new house in Florida. Among other features, it had a pool, and naturally, she decided to go for a swim while the sports fans did their thing inside. But a problem arose when her in-laws pulled her aside to tell her about a strange rule they had for their home.
You would think that in the 21st century, people would let their own family members feel comfortable at home
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
A woman visited her in-law’s new Florida house, equipped with its own pool
She wanted to take a swim while some other family members ran their fantasy football draft
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Her husband’s parents insisted on the weird and restrictive rule
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok-Internet-2420
Overbearing in-laws can even be a mental health hazard
While not as important as the relationship with one’s own parents and spouse, in-laws can still have a significant impact on the mental health of a person. While each family is different, as cultures and circumstances vary, the general trend for women is that negative relations with a mother-in-law are associated with more psychological distress. This concept works both ways, as women who have a good relationship with their mother-in-law indicate lower levels of psychological stress.
Any good relationship is a two-way road. There has to be mutual respect and affection between both parties. Even in cases where the relationship outwardly looks positive, it’s always possible that one party is constantly biting their tongues and secretly dreading seeing the other. After all, the mother-in-law in this story does not seem to think she and her husband are doing anything wrong. They might think that their relationship with their daughter-in-law is perfectly normal, even if the feeling is absolutely not mutual.
OP was right to keep some distance between herself and the in-laws
The number one solution in such a situation is spousal support. The OP indicated that her husband does think the rule is ridiculous and pretty sexist. But, on the flip side, he doesn’t fully understand why she might not want to go back. Hence her decision to ask internet users what they think. Rightly, they agreed with her, that her in-law’s rule was at the very least misguided since Florida is not a place where one can escape seeing people in bathing suits. Regardless, it doesn’t seem like the in-laws are going to reconsider any time soon, despite paying for a pool that only half the family can use.
Not visiting them is ultimate, the best option. Even if they change their mind on pool rules, what woman would feel comfortable swimming, knowing that they are internally judging you? OP is correct to set boundaries, and those only work if they are maintained. Circumstantial evidence shows that the literal, physical distance between a couple and their in-laws actually increases the chance of a marriage lasting longer. And it will also prevent any arguments between both parties that will just make the situation worse.
People responded with indignation at how the woman was treated and OP answered some reader questions
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Share on FacebookI was just about to say this! Can't swim in their pool? OK, I won't swim but I will wear my modest swim suit in and around your house!
Load More Replies...It's their house and their rule .....but maybe suggest you don't feel safe in their home if the men can't control themselves around women.
It's just infuriating and disgusting. She's been in a committed long term relationship with their son. Didn't Jesus say if your eye offends you pluck it out.
Load More Replies...What "old school" are they talking about? If you're in your 20s, even if they had your partner quite late, they couldn't have been born before the 50s. In the 50s women had fewer rights than today, but certainly swam in public and private pools without scandal in one piece bathing suits. My guess is that FIL made comments about you or another woman that have caused MIL to make Thai rule. I'd stop visiting and keep .y guard up with him.
That's so insulting to men as well, to think they're so weak and small-minded that they are so easily distracted. Seriously, how are men not realizing that they are infantilizing themselves by wanting women to cover up? And it's usually those same guys who don't believe women should be in politics or the workforce. Interesting mindset.
This family does indeed have a pool you should stay out of - the family's gene pool.
This will not get better. Remember if you marry this guy, you marry his family as well. Think long and hard, if you need to.
"Old school" like men and women can't be in the water together? I know they're in Florida, but how to "old" are these people?
They think if men and women are in the water together, someone may end up preggers. 🙄. Those little things can swim!
Load More Replies...That is not 'old school', it is hateful and sexist. It paints men as creatures less than monekys (because those CAN control their sex drive) and women as sex objects. Hugely disrespectful towards the op and she is not overly dramatic for not wanting to be in that house, anymore. I woudl really think deeply, if she wants to connect with that family forever. Because how we are raised creates the patterns we fall back on - and she now knows what to expect from her BF
I'm confused. She says that when her BF found out he got angry at his parents, and yet a few hours later he says she's being overly dramatic describing how it felt?
Ikr? Sounds like he was patronizing her for the moment, only to turn it around on her.
Load More Replies...NTA I wouldn't go over again either. Who the hell invites people to a pool party and then bans them from the pool, f*****g ridiculous.
I agree with the woman who said Hell the naw naw naw!" I wouldn't be going back either. What if a woman wanted in on the draft and not be stuck in the kitchen making food? Would that be allowed or not? I'd ask the bf that as well. If no, I'd seriously be rethinking that relationship since he did not totally have her back and leave right then, I'd have left, after parking up some snacks I helped make. Also sounds like mil still doesn't trust film around tempting wimin' folks.
If other men feel uncomfortable with women in the pool then thats their issue and not yours. Everyone's behaviour is a choice, and if their behaviours mean they can barely control themselves with women in the pool then that's something that they have to deal with and not you. Old school huh...? ppffftt...
girl has wasted 7 years of her life with this AH! She's dramatic, she's sensitive...nope, his parents are huge AHs and so is he. Kick that man to the curb and get your life back.
Were there no men at the community pool that could also be distracted or was it a particular male in their family that they were keeping the women from? I’d have totally called them out on their s**t. Like if they are trying to protect me from something then I need to know what and why. Sounds more like they were protecting some rapist in their own family
The only pool I've seen where women weren't allowed was in Kabul. I can't imagine paying money for a pool and not letting women use it. I wouldn't jump in if I were OP, coming to someone's house and breaking their rules is borderline trespassing, but I would never go back. How was she with this boyfriend for seven years and this never came up? But this still doesn't sound like a relationship that deserves to survive "you're overreacting"
If OP and BF are both in their early 20s then the parents are likely to be in their mid to late 40s. Thats growing up in the 80s, maybe even the 90s if they are young 40s. Hardly old school eras.
First of all, they are not your in-laws, they are your BF's parents. Second, f him and his parents. If he cannot see your point, his misogynistic behavior will only get worse. Third, the bigger issue is they hang around men that cannot control themselves around women in bathing suits, putting you in danger.
I was going to go to a camp held by a church one year, but they told us all that the girls were not allowed to swim because it was indecent. The boys were allowed to swim. The only outdoor activity girls were allowed to participate in was a short nature hike. Riding horses was deemed sexual, archery, long hikes, and anything in that range were not "feminine". Basically, they wanted us to stay inside and learn to sew, cook, and do crafts.... I was like...nope.
My dad was a Congregational minister; their creed is pretty much "ehh, whatever," and I still couldn't sign on to that. A church that treated girls and women like your camp did would have sent me running into the arms of the Satanic Temple
Load More Replies..."If I come over, I'm going in the pool. Do you want me over?" EOS. NTA.
Is the wife allowed in her own pool. That would have been my first question.
Makes me wonder if your BFs' father is a womanizer ? Otherwise this idea of no women in the pool is overt control, control and more control.
Well that’s just bizarro world. Yeah, I would have no reason to go back there after being made to feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Why can't the men stay out of the pool? Getting distracted is their problem.
If she wants children in the future she need to seriously think whether she wants this family influencing future daughters. She was effectively shamed for being female. And some of the other recommendations here are great - totally support her strutting around in her swim suit and inviting ALL the gay men around
RUN my dear, run. You say you've been with him for how many years and are now just seeing his parental weirdness? That is not normal behavior. Your bf's mom is literally blaming all women for her husbands affairs. Not her husband. If your bf is OK with that mindset, RUN. Mom explaining away and staying with a cheater is a big red flag. Your bf thinks it's OK to cheat. Dad did, and dad and mom are still together, so it must not be that big of a deal. IF you stay and end up having kids, will you feel comfortable with them seeing how grandma stays with her cheating a*s husband? Her attitude of it's all a woman's fault if they are attacked by a man cuz men can't control themselves, is a cornerstone of rape culture. The women blame the victim for their attire, makeup, hair do, anything to not face their own failings as a parent. RUN, it's only going to get worse.
i'm in my early 50's my boys are in their early 30's ... i want to know what this "old school" is. for a lot of people it provokes thoughts of people born in the 50's, but that's not really the case anymore. i was born in the 70's spent my teens in the 80's and early adulthood in the 90's... so seriously, what's this old school? from the late 60's on, a lot of the "old school" garbage like in "mad men" as an example, didn't exist for us. sure us women will probably be dealing with certain attitudes forever, but anyone who was born in the 70's on in most of north america, shared pools and wore bathing suits in public etc...
NTA! Your bf should have had your back. Dump him, or it's going to get worse. I would imagine looking bf's mom in the face and saying, "Wow, looking at all those scantily clad male bodies is really exciting! I wonder which one I could have?" That would drive her nuts.
Just how old is old school? I'm (62m). That is one of the most absurd rules I have ever heard. Sent the women to a community pool? I never heard of an all-women community pool, so how did that mesh with the ILs rule? Didn't want to distract the men? It seems more like the only one the MIL was worried about getting distracted or uncomfortable was her own husband since she admitted he cheated in the past. Was she afraid that with women in the pool, her husband may pitch a tent and embarrass himself and her? Just saying...
I'd have packed up any food I'd brought over and would have left. I would have given bf an ultimatum that he either have my back 100% or we were through. His parents are racist and sexist. And you should cut off all contact with them unless they apologize.
funny how they were fine with her help in the kitchen, but she's not allowed to enjoy the party.
I would have left immediately, after laughing in their face. Yeah nah. F**k that.
If they'd done this to me, I'd have walked right out to the pool and asked, "Does anyone here have a problem with me swimming with you guys?" and then let them decide. If they said 'yes we have a problem with it', I would have said, "Well then I'll go home, since this party clearly isn't for me to participate in." If that upset BF, and have told him to take it up with his parents, because I came to a party as a guest, not to serve in the kitchen as the unpaid help. If I can't swim at a pool party, I'm not a guest at the party because I'm not even allowed to partake in the primary activity. And if they'd have said 'no problem at all', I'd have whipped off my shorts and dove right in. If BF's parents said anything after that, I'd have said, "I asked them all and they said they were fine with it and not uncomfortable at all. And you said that was the point of your rule, right? Well we just proved it's unnecessary. The guys are not uncomfortable."
I feel like she needs to break up with him. She said that she thinks his parents see her as a problem. Anyone agree? Edit: 7 years together and the parents pull this BS?
Quite frankly, I hate to say it, but "dump the boyfriend" and run away. In my experience, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree", and no matter how progressive he seems now, as he gets older ... while it doesn't ALWAYS happen, just in my experience, people become more like their parents as they age. So before you get married, take a good hard look at your intended's parents and ask if you want to be married to THEM? At the very least, if you're married, they'll almost certainly be part of your life, and are not likely to become more flexible with time.
OP should seriously rethink this relationship. Her boyfriend's family treats her like a servant and a non-person, and her boyfriend agrees with them. She can do much better than this.
They are not her inlaws. They are her boyfriends parents. Her boyfriend is not her spouse. I think making these distinctions is important because an issue like the pool thing can determine whether or not he becomes the spouse and they become the inlaws.
If I had a pool and I felt the need to 'protect' my female guests from any of my male guests (let alone all of them) then those men would no longer be my guests. They claim to be protecting her but why are you inviting men into your home if you think they're going to (at minimum) harass your female guests?
So, let me get this straight. You have a pool but women aren't allowed in it for being a distraction? Well, should they not be allowed on the beach or anywhere near any pools of water then, by your sh*tty logic???!!! Futire-ILs are scumbuckets and OP ought to never visit them again but hang out by the local pool or beach instead. Smh!!!
This rubbish is super insulting to men as well. No man has any respect or self-control and will jump on anything without a Y chromosome at the slightest opportunity! Yeah, that's not super demeaning at all.
This honestly doesn't sound so much like a case of misogyny to me as much as it sounds like the parents have a genuine concern about a particular guest. I think the person who mentioned subtext was right, but I don't think it was that the father cheated. It sounds more like the parents are aware there was someone at the party who they know is creepy around women, but they didn't feel comfortable spreading gossip about them. There are so many clues that point to this, like the fact that they were fine with the women swimming in public at the community pool, just not around their guests. Also, the mom had already encouraged Op to be more revealing, just not at that party, and the statement they made that they were protecting their daughter. Sounds like mom suspects one of their friends of being a major creep, if she doesn't have actual proof that he's a rapist or whatever.
What?! If anyone thinks Skeet’s comment has any merit, please ask the women in your lives some questions. Don’t just think the assumptions that pop into your head are correct without speaking to someone who actually deals with it. I mean, you can, and we’ll continue to laugh at the hilariously ridiculous things you all put out there. But a bit of research and a couple of questions can stave off public embarrassment.
Load More Replies...I was just about to say this! Can't swim in their pool? OK, I won't swim but I will wear my modest swim suit in and around your house!
Load More Replies...It's their house and their rule .....but maybe suggest you don't feel safe in their home if the men can't control themselves around women.
It's just infuriating and disgusting. She's been in a committed long term relationship with their son. Didn't Jesus say if your eye offends you pluck it out.
Load More Replies...What "old school" are they talking about? If you're in your 20s, even if they had your partner quite late, they couldn't have been born before the 50s. In the 50s women had fewer rights than today, but certainly swam in public and private pools without scandal in one piece bathing suits. My guess is that FIL made comments about you or another woman that have caused MIL to make Thai rule. I'd stop visiting and keep .y guard up with him.
That's so insulting to men as well, to think they're so weak and small-minded that they are so easily distracted. Seriously, how are men not realizing that they are infantilizing themselves by wanting women to cover up? And it's usually those same guys who don't believe women should be in politics or the workforce. Interesting mindset.
This family does indeed have a pool you should stay out of - the family's gene pool.
This will not get better. Remember if you marry this guy, you marry his family as well. Think long and hard, if you need to.
"Old school" like men and women can't be in the water together? I know they're in Florida, but how to "old" are these people?
They think if men and women are in the water together, someone may end up preggers. 🙄. Those little things can swim!
Load More Replies...That is not 'old school', it is hateful and sexist. It paints men as creatures less than monekys (because those CAN control their sex drive) and women as sex objects. Hugely disrespectful towards the op and she is not overly dramatic for not wanting to be in that house, anymore. I woudl really think deeply, if she wants to connect with that family forever. Because how we are raised creates the patterns we fall back on - and she now knows what to expect from her BF
I'm confused. She says that when her BF found out he got angry at his parents, and yet a few hours later he says she's being overly dramatic describing how it felt?
Ikr? Sounds like he was patronizing her for the moment, only to turn it around on her.
Load More Replies...NTA I wouldn't go over again either. Who the hell invites people to a pool party and then bans them from the pool, f*****g ridiculous.
I agree with the woman who said Hell the naw naw naw!" I wouldn't be going back either. What if a woman wanted in on the draft and not be stuck in the kitchen making food? Would that be allowed or not? I'd ask the bf that as well. If no, I'd seriously be rethinking that relationship since he did not totally have her back and leave right then, I'd have left, after parking up some snacks I helped make. Also sounds like mil still doesn't trust film around tempting wimin' folks.
If other men feel uncomfortable with women in the pool then thats their issue and not yours. Everyone's behaviour is a choice, and if their behaviours mean they can barely control themselves with women in the pool then that's something that they have to deal with and not you. Old school huh...? ppffftt...
girl has wasted 7 years of her life with this AH! She's dramatic, she's sensitive...nope, his parents are huge AHs and so is he. Kick that man to the curb and get your life back.
Were there no men at the community pool that could also be distracted or was it a particular male in their family that they were keeping the women from? I’d have totally called them out on their s**t. Like if they are trying to protect me from something then I need to know what and why. Sounds more like they were protecting some rapist in their own family
The only pool I've seen where women weren't allowed was in Kabul. I can't imagine paying money for a pool and not letting women use it. I wouldn't jump in if I were OP, coming to someone's house and breaking their rules is borderline trespassing, but I would never go back. How was she with this boyfriend for seven years and this never came up? But this still doesn't sound like a relationship that deserves to survive "you're overreacting"
If OP and BF are both in their early 20s then the parents are likely to be in their mid to late 40s. Thats growing up in the 80s, maybe even the 90s if they are young 40s. Hardly old school eras.
First of all, they are not your in-laws, they are your BF's parents. Second, f him and his parents. If he cannot see your point, his misogynistic behavior will only get worse. Third, the bigger issue is they hang around men that cannot control themselves around women in bathing suits, putting you in danger.
I was going to go to a camp held by a church one year, but they told us all that the girls were not allowed to swim because it was indecent. The boys were allowed to swim. The only outdoor activity girls were allowed to participate in was a short nature hike. Riding horses was deemed sexual, archery, long hikes, and anything in that range were not "feminine". Basically, they wanted us to stay inside and learn to sew, cook, and do crafts.... I was like...nope.
My dad was a Congregational minister; their creed is pretty much "ehh, whatever," and I still couldn't sign on to that. A church that treated girls and women like your camp did would have sent me running into the arms of the Satanic Temple
Load More Replies..."If I come over, I'm going in the pool. Do you want me over?" EOS. NTA.
Is the wife allowed in her own pool. That would have been my first question.
Makes me wonder if your BFs' father is a womanizer ? Otherwise this idea of no women in the pool is overt control, control and more control.
Well that’s just bizarro world. Yeah, I would have no reason to go back there after being made to feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Why can't the men stay out of the pool? Getting distracted is their problem.
If she wants children in the future she need to seriously think whether she wants this family influencing future daughters. She was effectively shamed for being female. And some of the other recommendations here are great - totally support her strutting around in her swim suit and inviting ALL the gay men around
RUN my dear, run. You say you've been with him for how many years and are now just seeing his parental weirdness? That is not normal behavior. Your bf's mom is literally blaming all women for her husbands affairs. Not her husband. If your bf is OK with that mindset, RUN. Mom explaining away and staying with a cheater is a big red flag. Your bf thinks it's OK to cheat. Dad did, and dad and mom are still together, so it must not be that big of a deal. IF you stay and end up having kids, will you feel comfortable with them seeing how grandma stays with her cheating a*s husband? Her attitude of it's all a woman's fault if they are attacked by a man cuz men can't control themselves, is a cornerstone of rape culture. The women blame the victim for their attire, makeup, hair do, anything to not face their own failings as a parent. RUN, it's only going to get worse.
i'm in my early 50's my boys are in their early 30's ... i want to know what this "old school" is. for a lot of people it provokes thoughts of people born in the 50's, but that's not really the case anymore. i was born in the 70's spent my teens in the 80's and early adulthood in the 90's... so seriously, what's this old school? from the late 60's on, a lot of the "old school" garbage like in "mad men" as an example, didn't exist for us. sure us women will probably be dealing with certain attitudes forever, but anyone who was born in the 70's on in most of north america, shared pools and wore bathing suits in public etc...
NTA! Your bf should have had your back. Dump him, or it's going to get worse. I would imagine looking bf's mom in the face and saying, "Wow, looking at all those scantily clad male bodies is really exciting! I wonder which one I could have?" That would drive her nuts.
Just how old is old school? I'm (62m). That is one of the most absurd rules I have ever heard. Sent the women to a community pool? I never heard of an all-women community pool, so how did that mesh with the ILs rule? Didn't want to distract the men? It seems more like the only one the MIL was worried about getting distracted or uncomfortable was her own husband since she admitted he cheated in the past. Was she afraid that with women in the pool, her husband may pitch a tent and embarrass himself and her? Just saying...
I'd have packed up any food I'd brought over and would have left. I would have given bf an ultimatum that he either have my back 100% or we were through. His parents are racist and sexist. And you should cut off all contact with them unless they apologize.
funny how they were fine with her help in the kitchen, but she's not allowed to enjoy the party.
I would have left immediately, after laughing in their face. Yeah nah. F**k that.
If they'd done this to me, I'd have walked right out to the pool and asked, "Does anyone here have a problem with me swimming with you guys?" and then let them decide. If they said 'yes we have a problem with it', I would have said, "Well then I'll go home, since this party clearly isn't for me to participate in." If that upset BF, and have told him to take it up with his parents, because I came to a party as a guest, not to serve in the kitchen as the unpaid help. If I can't swim at a pool party, I'm not a guest at the party because I'm not even allowed to partake in the primary activity. And if they'd have said 'no problem at all', I'd have whipped off my shorts and dove right in. If BF's parents said anything after that, I'd have said, "I asked them all and they said they were fine with it and not uncomfortable at all. And you said that was the point of your rule, right? Well we just proved it's unnecessary. The guys are not uncomfortable."
I feel like she needs to break up with him. She said that she thinks his parents see her as a problem. Anyone agree? Edit: 7 years together and the parents pull this BS?
Quite frankly, I hate to say it, but "dump the boyfriend" and run away. In my experience, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree", and no matter how progressive he seems now, as he gets older ... while it doesn't ALWAYS happen, just in my experience, people become more like their parents as they age. So before you get married, take a good hard look at your intended's parents and ask if you want to be married to THEM? At the very least, if you're married, they'll almost certainly be part of your life, and are not likely to become more flexible with time.
OP should seriously rethink this relationship. Her boyfriend's family treats her like a servant and a non-person, and her boyfriend agrees with them. She can do much better than this.
They are not her inlaws. They are her boyfriends parents. Her boyfriend is not her spouse. I think making these distinctions is important because an issue like the pool thing can determine whether or not he becomes the spouse and they become the inlaws.
If I had a pool and I felt the need to 'protect' my female guests from any of my male guests (let alone all of them) then those men would no longer be my guests. They claim to be protecting her but why are you inviting men into your home if you think they're going to (at minimum) harass your female guests?
So, let me get this straight. You have a pool but women aren't allowed in it for being a distraction? Well, should they not be allowed on the beach or anywhere near any pools of water then, by your sh*tty logic???!!! Futire-ILs are scumbuckets and OP ought to never visit them again but hang out by the local pool or beach instead. Smh!!!
This rubbish is super insulting to men as well. No man has any respect or self-control and will jump on anything without a Y chromosome at the slightest opportunity! Yeah, that's not super demeaning at all.
This honestly doesn't sound so much like a case of misogyny to me as much as it sounds like the parents have a genuine concern about a particular guest. I think the person who mentioned subtext was right, but I don't think it was that the father cheated. It sounds more like the parents are aware there was someone at the party who they know is creepy around women, but they didn't feel comfortable spreading gossip about them. There are so many clues that point to this, like the fact that they were fine with the women swimming in public at the community pool, just not around their guests. Also, the mom had already encouraged Op to be more revealing, just not at that party, and the statement they made that they were protecting their daughter. Sounds like mom suspects one of their friends of being a major creep, if she doesn't have actual proof that he's a rapist or whatever.
What?! If anyone thinks Skeet’s comment has any merit, please ask the women in your lives some questions. Don’t just think the assumptions that pop into your head are correct without speaking to someone who actually deals with it. I mean, you can, and we’ll continue to laugh at the hilariously ridiculous things you all put out there. But a bit of research and a couple of questions can stave off public embarrassment.
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