“AITA For Ignoring A Crying Baby In A Restaurant And Continuing To Enjoy My Dessert?”
More and more adults are choosing not to have children. According to a 2021 Pew survey, 44% of non-parents in the U.S. say that they won’t or are not at all likely to have children someday. It is a big life decision that can impact your friendships and relationships in the long term. Once people have children, they might have less in common with their friends who are not parents.
One Redditor experienced this possible rift with her own friends. As she was out with them – one who’s a parent and the other who’s pregnant – an interesting argument broke out. The friends called out the OP for not responding maternally to a crying baby, calling her “heartless.” Wanting to check if her reaction was as inappropriate as her friends claimed, she turned to the Internet.
Some people might argue that dessert is the best part of a meal at a restaurant
Image credits: Alev Takil / unsplash (not the actual photo)
But this woman didn’t get to enjoy hers because her friends called her out for ignoring a crying baby
Image credits: Juan Encalada / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Sarah Chai / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: pupetteer
Experts say that maternal instinct is a myth
Image credits: Sean Roy / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The main problem that the OP’s friends seem to have had with her reaction was that she didn’t react maternally to the baby’s cries. That was probably due to the widespread myth of maternal instinct. It’s the notion that all women have an innate behavioral response to children and instinctively know how to care for them.
However, psychology professionals no longer believe that this phenomenon is true. Dr. Catherine Monk, a psychologist and professor of medical psychology in the departments of Psychiatry and Obstetrics and Gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center, told Healthline that “the idea of a maternal instinct can be quite exaggerated.”
She says that what people call ‘maternal instinct’ comes from experience. “This ‘maternal instinct’ of a sixth sense for one’s child and what they need comes from intense closeness and deep love, spending hours with and thinking about the child.” So why should a woman respond to the cries of a baby when it’s not even theirs?
Adults who have not had children do react to a baby crying
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba / pexels (not the actual photo)
The sound of a crying baby does produce a physiological response in adults. In 2012, Oxford University researchers found that a baby’s cries speed up reaction time in adults. This supplements previous research on how hearing crying babies can elevate heart rate, blood pressure, and hand grip strength.
Professor Kringelbach commented on the research: “Few sounds provoke a visceral reaction quite like the cry of a baby. For example, it is almost impossible to ignore crying babies on planes and the discomfort it arouses, despite all the other noises and distractions around.”
Christine Parsons, Ph.D., a psychologist and associate professor at Aarhus University in Denmark, told The New York Times that this is how humans differ from other animals. “Rodents have to have given birth before they care about pups. Humans don’t have such a selective response.”
It’s not only mothers who can experience a bump in oxytocin (a hormone that’s connected to maternal bonding) when interacting with a baby. Grandparents and adoptive parents can feel it, too.
“Both undergo similar neuroendocrinological transformations—even in the absence of giving birth or of lactation,” Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, professor emerita at the University of California, Davis, told National Geographic.
A friendship between a parent and a child-free person might need more work and effort
It can be hard to navigate a relationship among friends once they start having children. Sometimes, people might start feeling that they don’t have enough things in common anymore.
Research shows that the quality of friendships decreases after people have kids. And the earlier they have them, the greater the decline is.
Ellen Walker, Ph. D., writes that both sides should meet in the middle if they wish to keep the friendship. For those who are child-free, she advises to be more understanding – having a newborn is a new learning experience for the parent.
Even if you’re child-free, it is still your friend, and you should respect their position. Try getting your friend out of the house without the baby for at least a half-hour walk. The new mom might even appreciate it if the child-free friend would take the time to get to know their baby, whether that’s just by visiting or even babysitting occasionally.
The friend who has children should be understanding toward their child-free friend as well. The first thing they should understand is that, contrary to stereotypes, child-free people don’t lead selfish and self-indulgent lives.
One of the worst insults a friend throws at their child-free friend is that not being a mother leaves them empty. Dr. Walker recommends friends shake off this opinion if they want the friendship to continue.
The OP gave more context about the friendship, her choice to be child-free, and what dessert she was eating
The consensus among the commenters was NTA
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All I read here was two people saying "you're not the same as us, therefore you are wrong". This is a toxic situation. I am child free by choice and all of my friends have children. I have never enjoyed the company of children either. My friends accept me for who I am, have never judged me for different choices, and can speak of a variety of subjects. They are amazing mothers, but being a mother is not their entire identity. I hope OP sees this as what it is, two toxic and entitled people, and not representative of mothers everywhere.
Yeah I don't even think they believed what they were saying, I think they just wanted to feel special or something. It reminds me of a group of mean girls at school trying to make her feel weird or sub-par for not wanting the same things they want.
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I'm 42 with two kids 2 and 4. I would totally tune out strange child crying once I saw that the child's caretakers were trying to soothe them.
And to add to that, I kind of feel "good" that it's not MY child that is crying this time. Good is not the right word, relieved neither. I love my kids. (youngest is 9 now). But I kind of.. look with pity to people with crying babies. And then go back to enjoying what I was doing because it's not my responsability. (yes yes ofcourse I check if the child in question is being taken care of, if their parent is present or nothing serious is going on.)
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Get new friends. Those "B's" are not real friends. More like overgrown mean girls. I do know if I was out with "friends" who were so nasty, I would have plopped money on table and walked out, either without a word, ot telling then you feel sorry for their babies , because the women are awful and will probably be awful to their kids, too
The OPs friends and relatives would hate me because I get extremely uncomfortable and stressed when I hear the high pitched screams of babies. I hate them and they scare me
Yep, I'm neuro spicy and have misophonia, babies and toddlers high pitch noises are not good. At best I get very irritated, worst case it's a full blown panic attack
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You're friends are weird, they seem kind of toxic, and performative. It is super weird to be so hurt and invested about some random baby having a cry. Unhinged really.
Next time she hangs out at their house and there's a baby crying on TV or something I would rip my shirt open and press my breast up against the screen while crying and screaming "Why, why!?" Just go really over the top with it and then tell them they are horrible people for still having their bras on.
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NTA. The friends are though as they can’t be bothered to be considerate to you in any way. Why would everyone care about a strangers baby crying in a restaurant when it is unrelated to them in a personal way. Ann might be excusable but Kim isn’t. She isn’t even pregnant and is acting like you are heartless. I agree with the majority of comments. Your friends are mad weird.
People are overly sensitive to things they are unfamiliar with, it's how we work. My son has a severe epilepsy disorder, we get many shocked looks (and comments) when we simply lay him down (safely) and watch him have a siezure. Interfering can only hurt him.
I think they made the situation kind of weird by making sad faces over at a mom with her baby who was trying to calm them down. If I was out with my child and strangers were doing that while my child is being a child, it'd make me uncomfortable. I'd be more thankful for the strangers acting like the OP and not these pregnancy-pact mean girls.
OP's "friends" are ridiculous. Friends don't get to tell you how to feel. They just want validation on how special they are. drop them like the basic hot turds they are. I bet they add a superfluous "ahh" at the of their words, like "No-ahh".
After they have kids, they too will tune out the sound of an obvious "tired cry," which is probably what was going on since OP said the mother was nearby and the baby was not in distress. Cooing like a couple of 14-year-olds over an everyday occurrence does not make them more compassionate people.
OBSERVATION: If I, as a man with Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD, don't get to use those illnesses as an excuse to be an a*****e, hormonal women don't get to use the same. Now to the story... It shouldn't matter that her friends are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, if she was able to tune out a crying baby who is with it's mother, good for her. Her friends sound like tools.
This sounds like they are POed because you will not be the babysitter they want you to be. Bullet dodged.
Dodge those filled-to-burst bullets! Get rid of them. Seriously, they sound entitled and holier-than-thou because "I hAvE ShYlLdErEnNnN" and seem to try to find some reason to put you down. Fück them, but as that already has been performed, maybe just ... don't reach out to them and wait if you're lucky enough that they don't either. Someone should tell them they need to apologise.
I would be the same, I love kids but if they are being cared for it's really none of my business unless the care giver gives out signs there's some medical type distress going on. I don't have an opinion that parents should leave kids at home or any issues with them running around or being loud either, if they approach me ill share a moment of dmiles or whatever and go on with my night. I just think humans come in all ages and conditions and socially that's what normal living looks like.
"baby’s cries speed up reaction time in adults." Yeah. I speed out of the place where the baby is crying
I know what her friends are feeling. Well, I only had that problem during the first year after each child was actually born, but I get it. I worked in an OR recovery room many mornings doing ECT, usually when kids were being recovered from surgery. They cry btw. It broke my heart and when breastfeeding even made me lactate. It’s not the most pleasant experience having such a reaction to a kid you can’t acceptably go and soothe. But honestly I would never fault another woman for not feeling it, or say she is somehow less of a woman if she doesn’t feel it.
Lost a few of my friends to parenthood. I find that even intelligent, creative women suddenly get baby brains when they get pregnant and it is all they can talk about for the rest of their lives (or until it leaves home?). It is intensely boring so I have no choice but to drop them as friends. I am a childfree woman and have had a fun-filled life with plenty of money and very little stress or responsibilities, I don't mind being excluded from their "club" but I feel sorry that their identities have been swallowed completely by it. I worry when the kid leaves home, these women won't know who they are. Oh and I would find a crying baby in a restaurant very annoying.
My reaction to crying kids is usually eye rolling and looking annoyed.
Not giving constant secondhand attention to a baby not in your care doesn't prove anything. If there was no danger you have no obligation to prioritize it. Enjoy your dessert!
The AHs are the parents who didn't take the crying baby out of the dining room. Don't be those parents.
30 and child free and if I hear a random baby crying in public I really don't pay it any mind. I might mutter something to the effect of "someone's not happy" or "it only gets worse from here kid" but otherwise I ignore it. That's a stranger's kid. I have no attachment to them whatsoever, same as a stranger of any other age. They're just a random person in a public place who I'll probably never see again. Now when my "nephew" (friend's baby) cries that DOES elicit an emotional reaction in me because I know him and love and care about him so it does upset me when he cries, especially if there's no obvious (to me) cause. But whether you have no kids or 10 kids it's not heartless to not be affected by a random baby crying. That's normal and natural when you don't know someone. Also lbr, OP's so called friends would NEVER call a man heartless for that reaction or lack thereof.
It appears to me that the OP filtered out three screaming children.
Those two "friends" crossed the line from prospective parents to breeders. MOMBIES are the worst, they expect everything to be centred on them.
The two friends are having a hard time empathizing... Being a parent (or desperately wanting to be one) does change your emotions, your hormones, and your approach to the world. If I hear a baby cry, my heart absolutely does hurt — for a moment. As long as the child is being cared for, I move on. The two friends are having this reaction for the first time in their lives and thus having a hard time moving on. But claiming that the OP is therefore not allowed to be around their kids is a bit much. I do wonder a bit about OP's attitude during that conversation, there may be subtleties in her attitude or body language that aren't being explained. My hope for the OP is that the friends calm down, because it would frankly suck to lose all your friends and have to start over.
The way I see it, the poor mother of that baby no doubt already felt bad enough about the situation without strangers on another table giving her sad looks and talking about how heartbreaking it is. She might not have been able to hear the actual words but she would have been aware of what is going on around her. As for suggesting that the OP isn't, I don't know...human?..for not abandoning eating for said child and had better be more attentive to their baby, that's just utter nonsense. You don't necessarily need all childless friends, OP, just, maybe less reactive ones. These two like to think they are superior for being/becoming mothers.
Bwaahaahaa....as a great grandmother, I can assure OP that these new mothers will get to the stage where they tune out their own kids crying and whining. You learn, to differentiate the different cries....just noise, need attention, cranky, temper tantrum, mad, hurt, sad etc ... And learn which to ignore, and which need addressed. I would have tuned it out also and enjoyed dessert with OP.
OP is NTA. Not even close. The 2 "friends" are selfish, self-centered, attention-seeking drama queens. They aren't actually "heartbroken", since anyone with an IQ above 60 and a birth year before 2015 knows that babies cry and it doesn't necessarily mean they're truly in distress. Plus, if this baby actually was in distress, the story would have reflected that. These 2 "friends" just wanted an excuse to feel special, and superior to their childless, non-pregnant friend. I'm willing to bet that these 2 are the types that will make anything their child goes through about them, not the child. I mean, here they are, at a restaurant, and another person's baby is crying, and what's their response? To talk about how THEY are "heartbroken" and to talk down to their "friend" who isn't a mother.
NTA... no doubt. These 2 women are not friends... to anyone, including the OP. They're selfish and self-centered and I really hope that the OP can find some new friends... ones that actually care about her and aren't attention seeking egomaniacs, and I'll explain why I feel this way about them. Now, I'm aware that I have a tendancy to err on the side of cynicism, but this is what it sounds like to me: These 2 women aren't actually "heart-broken" because of the crying baby. They're talking about how heartbroken THEY are (not the baby, or the baby's mother), because that's how they can make it about themselves. They also get the added bonus of being able to act superior, since there is a non-mother/non-mother-to-be with them that they get to judge. I know plenty of mothers, and none of the decent, stable, responsible, caring ones that I know have ever, around me, acted "heartbroken" about another person's baby crying. These 2 just wanted to feel special and superior. OP is NTA.
If anything I'd worry about their friends' children who will be brought up with this stupid attitude that a woman must want to be a mother and have 'motherly' feelings for every child. If they have daughters they will be the kind of mother that pesters her daughter to 'give her grandchildren' and say 'you must want to have kids'. Disgusting. Kudos to OP for being so tolerant and understanding / excusing her pregnant friend's hormonal changes (which might or might not add to this - I lack experience how far they affect a mother).
Good Lord! These sound like the type of people that would be the worst working in a maternity or paeds unit. "Oh you uncaring, callous person for not weeping and carrying on over an attended stranger's child". Yeah news flash to those two - many nurses and doctors can manage to care deeply about your sick (or recovering or well) child without melting down or crying continuously all shift. If we could not we would not be much use for the families or the patients needing us to keep our shiz together regardless of how bad things are so they can feel reassured, or grieve, or get upset, in peace
Wait, what? Reminds me of some of the crazy people I knew back when our kid was young. We would leave them with may parents for a few weeks in the summer, and they all absolutely loved it. It helped that my brother lived close by so my kid got to spend time with their grandparents and with their cousins. Yet some of these women were claiming that our child must have "detachment issues", because our child enjoyed their time away from us, and even looked forward to it. Oh, and that we must have issues as parents if we are OK with letting our child sleep away from home.
I admire her emotional maturity and patience with two very mediocre at best "friends" they sound exhausting and awful, hormones and jealousy or not.
I have a toddler and he cries and throws tantrums all the time. It is not something I tend to have "heart ache" for, it's more like ill pull my hair out, so I def don't feel anything towards other crying kids lol
Maternal instinct doesn't exist in our species. It's a fact. Everything is either learned behaviour or pack instinct and this is NOT the same
FFS. It's not your kid, it's not either of your friends' kids. Not your problem.
These women will likely never talk about anything but their kids for the rest of their lives. As a childless senior woman my advice is to find new friends. Look into group activities you might enjoy and strike up conversations. Don't limit yourself to your age group. As an adult woman, you can make friends on a broader landscape. Eventually some of those super moms are going to wish they had your freedom. Fly!
As a mom, I can empathize with the friends' existing situations (one pregnant, other one wanting to be), but this was all projecting. What did they expect OP to do? And why didn't they do anything if they were so concerned? Letting the mom handle things was the right thing to do, considering the baby didn't seem to be hurt or in danger. The only issue I take with OP is referring to the baby as "it."
What a couple of weirdos, I am having issues getting pregnant; i am desperate for it but I don't feel anything when a random baby cries, why should I? It's not being abused or hurt
The OP's friends need to set the bar lower to "doesn't b***h and moan about crying babies." It's pretty sad to exclude the OP, when she was looking forward to being an aunt. I know a mother who is delighted by her child-free friends because they like her kids. I also want to say that people can have age preferences for children. I once watched a group oooh and aaah over a placid (and to me, boring) baby. No interesting adult conversation going on, may as well build Mr. Potato Head with the charming four-year-old brother. We had fun and the mother thanked me afterwards for giving the older brother some attention.
I have kids and I consider myself more than just a mother, I am a person and I'm capable of talking about things that have nothing to do with maternity. I am more empathic after having kids. Before I used to find crying kids annoying and now I often think that maybe they are crying because they are tired, hungry, bored, etc. I still can't stand kids that don't behave well and their parents do nothing.
Where I work I hear crying babies all day long. It doesn't cause an emotional reaction in me because they are usually with their parents and they are after all babies. Babies cry. That's a normal part of life. These two friends are absolutely ridiculous.
As a childless woman myself who indeed don't want any, I'd say these are huge red flags. Firstly, you mentioned they kept talking about childbirth & pregnancy more than anything else. In all honesty they were dropping "hint bombs" for you should consider having kids too. Both knowing full well you don't want any either at all or at the moment. They aren't fully aware that not all women are required to be a host and/or mother. It's NOT a life requirement!! Secondly, them taking offense to your reaction to a complete stranger's crying baby is pathetic. It's as if they expect you to locate your maternal bone & use it since childless (cry a river). Your response is your choice & not theirs. Thirdly, to send a follow up response regarding the incident clearly shows they expect more from you. That is to be more like them & not yourself within their company. Hope you can find better friends that can accept you for who you are & don't expect you to change for their happiness. 😏
Bless their hearts, they are drama queens. Also, you do not NEED to do a damn thing.
Reddit copy/paste. Cheap, low-effort filler. Probably never happened. It's the AITA Reddit posts that get the most traffic...
All I read here was two people saying "you're not the same as us, therefore you are wrong". This is a toxic situation. I am child free by choice and all of my friends have children. I have never enjoyed the company of children either. My friends accept me for who I am, have never judged me for different choices, and can speak of a variety of subjects. They are amazing mothers, but being a mother is not their entire identity. I hope OP sees this as what it is, two toxic and entitled people, and not representative of mothers everywhere.
Yeah I don't even think they believed what they were saying, I think they just wanted to feel special or something. It reminds me of a group of mean girls at school trying to make her feel weird or sub-par for not wanting the same things they want.
Load More Replies... I'm 42 with two kids 2 and 4. I would totally tune out strange child crying once I saw that the child's caretakers were trying to soothe them.
And to add to that, I kind of feel "good" that it's not MY child that is crying this time. Good is not the right word, relieved neither. I love my kids. (youngest is 9 now). But I kind of.. look with pity to people with crying babies. And then go back to enjoying what I was doing because it's not my responsability. (yes yes ofcourse I check if the child in question is being taken care of, if their parent is present or nothing serious is going on.)
Load More Replies... Get new friends. Those "B's" are not real friends. More like overgrown mean girls. I do know if I was out with "friends" who were so nasty, I would have plopped money on table and walked out, either without a word, ot telling then you feel sorry for their babies , because the women are awful and will probably be awful to their kids, too
The OPs friends and relatives would hate me because I get extremely uncomfortable and stressed when I hear the high pitched screams of babies. I hate them and they scare me
Yep, I'm neuro spicy and have misophonia, babies and toddlers high pitch noises are not good. At best I get very irritated, worst case it's a full blown panic attack
Load More Replies... You're friends are weird, they seem kind of toxic, and performative. It is super weird to be so hurt and invested about some random baby having a cry. Unhinged really.
Next time she hangs out at their house and there's a baby crying on TV or something I would rip my shirt open and press my breast up against the screen while crying and screaming "Why, why!?" Just go really over the top with it and then tell them they are horrible people for still having their bras on.
Load More Replies... NTA. The friends are though as they can’t be bothered to be considerate to you in any way. Why would everyone care about a strangers baby crying in a restaurant when it is unrelated to them in a personal way. Ann might be excusable but Kim isn’t. She isn’t even pregnant and is acting like you are heartless. I agree with the majority of comments. Your friends are mad weird.
People are overly sensitive to things they are unfamiliar with, it's how we work. My son has a severe epilepsy disorder, we get many shocked looks (and comments) when we simply lay him down (safely) and watch him have a siezure. Interfering can only hurt him.
I think they made the situation kind of weird by making sad faces over at a mom with her baby who was trying to calm them down. If I was out with my child and strangers were doing that while my child is being a child, it'd make me uncomfortable. I'd be more thankful for the strangers acting like the OP and not these pregnancy-pact mean girls.
OP's "friends" are ridiculous. Friends don't get to tell you how to feel. They just want validation on how special they are. drop them like the basic hot turds they are. I bet they add a superfluous "ahh" at the of their words, like "No-ahh".
After they have kids, they too will tune out the sound of an obvious "tired cry," which is probably what was going on since OP said the mother was nearby and the baby was not in distress. Cooing like a couple of 14-year-olds over an everyday occurrence does not make them more compassionate people.
OBSERVATION: If I, as a man with Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD, don't get to use those illnesses as an excuse to be an a*****e, hormonal women don't get to use the same. Now to the story... It shouldn't matter that her friends are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, if she was able to tune out a crying baby who is with it's mother, good for her. Her friends sound like tools.
This sounds like they are POed because you will not be the babysitter they want you to be. Bullet dodged.
Dodge those filled-to-burst bullets! Get rid of them. Seriously, they sound entitled and holier-than-thou because "I hAvE ShYlLdErEnNnN" and seem to try to find some reason to put you down. Fück them, but as that already has been performed, maybe just ... don't reach out to them and wait if you're lucky enough that they don't either. Someone should tell them they need to apologise.
I would be the same, I love kids but if they are being cared for it's really none of my business unless the care giver gives out signs there's some medical type distress going on. I don't have an opinion that parents should leave kids at home or any issues with them running around or being loud either, if they approach me ill share a moment of dmiles or whatever and go on with my night. I just think humans come in all ages and conditions and socially that's what normal living looks like.
"baby’s cries speed up reaction time in adults." Yeah. I speed out of the place where the baby is crying
I know what her friends are feeling. Well, I only had that problem during the first year after each child was actually born, but I get it. I worked in an OR recovery room many mornings doing ECT, usually when kids were being recovered from surgery. They cry btw. It broke my heart and when breastfeeding even made me lactate. It’s not the most pleasant experience having such a reaction to a kid you can’t acceptably go and soothe. But honestly I would never fault another woman for not feeling it, or say she is somehow less of a woman if she doesn’t feel it.
Lost a few of my friends to parenthood. I find that even intelligent, creative women suddenly get baby brains when they get pregnant and it is all they can talk about for the rest of their lives (or until it leaves home?). It is intensely boring so I have no choice but to drop them as friends. I am a childfree woman and have had a fun-filled life with plenty of money and very little stress or responsibilities, I don't mind being excluded from their "club" but I feel sorry that their identities have been swallowed completely by it. I worry when the kid leaves home, these women won't know who they are. Oh and I would find a crying baby in a restaurant very annoying.
My reaction to crying kids is usually eye rolling and looking annoyed.
Not giving constant secondhand attention to a baby not in your care doesn't prove anything. If there was no danger you have no obligation to prioritize it. Enjoy your dessert!
The AHs are the parents who didn't take the crying baby out of the dining room. Don't be those parents.
30 and child free and if I hear a random baby crying in public I really don't pay it any mind. I might mutter something to the effect of "someone's not happy" or "it only gets worse from here kid" but otherwise I ignore it. That's a stranger's kid. I have no attachment to them whatsoever, same as a stranger of any other age. They're just a random person in a public place who I'll probably never see again. Now when my "nephew" (friend's baby) cries that DOES elicit an emotional reaction in me because I know him and love and care about him so it does upset me when he cries, especially if there's no obvious (to me) cause. But whether you have no kids or 10 kids it's not heartless to not be affected by a random baby crying. That's normal and natural when you don't know someone. Also lbr, OP's so called friends would NEVER call a man heartless for that reaction or lack thereof.
It appears to me that the OP filtered out three screaming children.
Those two "friends" crossed the line from prospective parents to breeders. MOMBIES are the worst, they expect everything to be centred on them.
The two friends are having a hard time empathizing... Being a parent (or desperately wanting to be one) does change your emotions, your hormones, and your approach to the world. If I hear a baby cry, my heart absolutely does hurt — for a moment. As long as the child is being cared for, I move on. The two friends are having this reaction for the first time in their lives and thus having a hard time moving on. But claiming that the OP is therefore not allowed to be around their kids is a bit much. I do wonder a bit about OP's attitude during that conversation, there may be subtleties in her attitude or body language that aren't being explained. My hope for the OP is that the friends calm down, because it would frankly suck to lose all your friends and have to start over.
The way I see it, the poor mother of that baby no doubt already felt bad enough about the situation without strangers on another table giving her sad looks and talking about how heartbreaking it is. She might not have been able to hear the actual words but she would have been aware of what is going on around her. As for suggesting that the OP isn't, I don't know...human?..for not abandoning eating for said child and had better be more attentive to their baby, that's just utter nonsense. You don't necessarily need all childless friends, OP, just, maybe less reactive ones. These two like to think they are superior for being/becoming mothers.
Bwaahaahaa....as a great grandmother, I can assure OP that these new mothers will get to the stage where they tune out their own kids crying and whining. You learn, to differentiate the different cries....just noise, need attention, cranky, temper tantrum, mad, hurt, sad etc ... And learn which to ignore, and which need addressed. I would have tuned it out also and enjoyed dessert with OP.
OP is NTA. Not even close. The 2 "friends" are selfish, self-centered, attention-seeking drama queens. They aren't actually "heartbroken", since anyone with an IQ above 60 and a birth year before 2015 knows that babies cry and it doesn't necessarily mean they're truly in distress. Plus, if this baby actually was in distress, the story would have reflected that. These 2 "friends" just wanted an excuse to feel special, and superior to their childless, non-pregnant friend. I'm willing to bet that these 2 are the types that will make anything their child goes through about them, not the child. I mean, here they are, at a restaurant, and another person's baby is crying, and what's their response? To talk about how THEY are "heartbroken" and to talk down to their "friend" who isn't a mother.
NTA... no doubt. These 2 women are not friends... to anyone, including the OP. They're selfish and self-centered and I really hope that the OP can find some new friends... ones that actually care about her and aren't attention seeking egomaniacs, and I'll explain why I feel this way about them. Now, I'm aware that I have a tendancy to err on the side of cynicism, but this is what it sounds like to me: These 2 women aren't actually "heart-broken" because of the crying baby. They're talking about how heartbroken THEY are (not the baby, or the baby's mother), because that's how they can make it about themselves. They also get the added bonus of being able to act superior, since there is a non-mother/non-mother-to-be with them that they get to judge. I know plenty of mothers, and none of the decent, stable, responsible, caring ones that I know have ever, around me, acted "heartbroken" about another person's baby crying. These 2 just wanted to feel special and superior. OP is NTA.
If anything I'd worry about their friends' children who will be brought up with this stupid attitude that a woman must want to be a mother and have 'motherly' feelings for every child. If they have daughters they will be the kind of mother that pesters her daughter to 'give her grandchildren' and say 'you must want to have kids'. Disgusting. Kudos to OP for being so tolerant and understanding / excusing her pregnant friend's hormonal changes (which might or might not add to this - I lack experience how far they affect a mother).
Good Lord! These sound like the type of people that would be the worst working in a maternity or paeds unit. "Oh you uncaring, callous person for not weeping and carrying on over an attended stranger's child". Yeah news flash to those two - many nurses and doctors can manage to care deeply about your sick (or recovering or well) child without melting down or crying continuously all shift. If we could not we would not be much use for the families or the patients needing us to keep our shiz together regardless of how bad things are so they can feel reassured, or grieve, or get upset, in peace
Wait, what? Reminds me of some of the crazy people I knew back when our kid was young. We would leave them with may parents for a few weeks in the summer, and they all absolutely loved it. It helped that my brother lived close by so my kid got to spend time with their grandparents and with their cousins. Yet some of these women were claiming that our child must have "detachment issues", because our child enjoyed their time away from us, and even looked forward to it. Oh, and that we must have issues as parents if we are OK with letting our child sleep away from home.
I admire her emotional maturity and patience with two very mediocre at best "friends" they sound exhausting and awful, hormones and jealousy or not.
I have a toddler and he cries and throws tantrums all the time. It is not something I tend to have "heart ache" for, it's more like ill pull my hair out, so I def don't feel anything towards other crying kids lol
Maternal instinct doesn't exist in our species. It's a fact. Everything is either learned behaviour or pack instinct and this is NOT the same
FFS. It's not your kid, it's not either of your friends' kids. Not your problem.
These women will likely never talk about anything but their kids for the rest of their lives. As a childless senior woman my advice is to find new friends. Look into group activities you might enjoy and strike up conversations. Don't limit yourself to your age group. As an adult woman, you can make friends on a broader landscape. Eventually some of those super moms are going to wish they had your freedom. Fly!
As a mom, I can empathize with the friends' existing situations (one pregnant, other one wanting to be), but this was all projecting. What did they expect OP to do? And why didn't they do anything if they were so concerned? Letting the mom handle things was the right thing to do, considering the baby didn't seem to be hurt or in danger. The only issue I take with OP is referring to the baby as "it."
What a couple of weirdos, I am having issues getting pregnant; i am desperate for it but I don't feel anything when a random baby cries, why should I? It's not being abused or hurt
The OP's friends need to set the bar lower to "doesn't b***h and moan about crying babies." It's pretty sad to exclude the OP, when she was looking forward to being an aunt. I know a mother who is delighted by her child-free friends because they like her kids. I also want to say that people can have age preferences for children. I once watched a group oooh and aaah over a placid (and to me, boring) baby. No interesting adult conversation going on, may as well build Mr. Potato Head with the charming four-year-old brother. We had fun and the mother thanked me afterwards for giving the older brother some attention.
I have kids and I consider myself more than just a mother, I am a person and I'm capable of talking about things that have nothing to do with maternity. I am more empathic after having kids. Before I used to find crying kids annoying and now I often think that maybe they are crying because they are tired, hungry, bored, etc. I still can't stand kids that don't behave well and their parents do nothing.
Where I work I hear crying babies all day long. It doesn't cause an emotional reaction in me because they are usually with their parents and they are after all babies. Babies cry. That's a normal part of life. These two friends are absolutely ridiculous.
As a childless woman myself who indeed don't want any, I'd say these are huge red flags. Firstly, you mentioned they kept talking about childbirth & pregnancy more than anything else. In all honesty they were dropping "hint bombs" for you should consider having kids too. Both knowing full well you don't want any either at all or at the moment. They aren't fully aware that not all women are required to be a host and/or mother. It's NOT a life requirement!! Secondly, them taking offense to your reaction to a complete stranger's crying baby is pathetic. It's as if they expect you to locate your maternal bone & use it since childless (cry a river). Your response is your choice & not theirs. Thirdly, to send a follow up response regarding the incident clearly shows they expect more from you. That is to be more like them & not yourself within their company. Hope you can find better friends that can accept you for who you are & don't expect you to change for their happiness. 😏
Bless their hearts, they are drama queens. Also, you do not NEED to do a damn thing.
Reddit copy/paste. Cheap, low-effort filler. Probably never happened. It's the AITA Reddit posts that get the most traffic...
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