Everyone in the gym is moaning at me and my mates for joining this January and taking up all the equipment. I mean.. come on.. we don’t moan at them when they use our pubs in December!
My first day at the local gym was an eye opener. It was like high school with the cool kids pumping iron, the pretty girls at the water fountain and the ‘greebos’ using the yoga mats.
It got me thinking, what if you had a gym for dogs? Would you be the ‘Poser Dawg’ or the ‘Newbie Dawg’, like me?
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The Judger
With so many new faces about it’s likely that you will spot ‘the judger’.
This gym buff is a regular and ‘thinks’ they could probably be a personal trainer easily themselves.
This type stand close to equipment while ‘The Newbies’ are using it or sometimes watch cross armed by the water dispenser.
The Gym Buddies
These tend to be female and always in pairs. Seen at the water dispenser and often talking in hushed tones while pretending to exert themselves on the treadmill.
They are likely to look the part with the latest gym clobber but beware they do not appreciate others trying to join their clique and will not be seen at the gym alone under any circumstances.
The Newbie
The newbie is most apparent in the month of January. Usually sporting a post xmas paunch and a nervous but excited face.
These types are likely to dominate the gym in mass and also in enthusiasm for exercise and booking personal trainers.
However, do not fear they are likely to linger for no more than 3-6 months maximum.
The Poser
You will not see a drop of sweat on the poser. They are usually a younger version of The Designer Gym Kit One.
Usually lightly jogging for a small period of time on the treadmill, just enough not to break a sweat on the brow, then onto some leg lifts and provocative lunges.
Often seen carrying a water bottle, towel and iPod and wearing strictly indoor trainers.
The Texter
This gym goer avoids all eye contact and is engrossed in their music selection or checking if their friends are meeting them by the stationary cycle.
They are likely to walk into you or stop and stare at their phone mid-cycle. It is likely that they exercise at just half capacity after frequent stops to read emails and change tracks.
The Flirt
Where is the best place to pick up the ladies? The gym of course.
Over 50% of gym attendees admit they go to the gym to talk to the opposite sex.
The Flirt, can be found carrying a protein shake and usually offers advice on equipment, giving a helping hand with the weights bar or just casually checking your yoga pants fit correctly.
The Show-Off
You may find this gym goer lurking over your shoulder at your gym equipment screen judging your miles per minute or perhaps watching you closely lift a weight only to then lift one heavier themselves.
The show-off thinks they have the gym nailed. They are an Olympic gold medal standard pain in the arse and often take up more space than necessary. They can be spotted shadow boxing in a bid to show their importance.
The ‘Do You Even Lift?’ One
Often very small in stature and wider than they are tall this gym goer can be seen grunting and mirror posing while attempting to lift their own body weight.
They can be seen in packs with other lifters who stick to the weights section of the gym only.
The Eater
This insincere cretin usually appears around early evening with a Mac Donald’s meal.
This member treats the gym like a restaurant to meet friends and drink shakes.
The Eater is in the 18% of gym goers who eat more chocolate because they attend the gym. However you will rarely see this type working out while still maintaining a toned and slim physique.
The mind boggles.
The ‘I Have No Idea What I am Doing’ One
Inevitably with all the newbies you will get some members clueless to the new ways of the electronic machines.
This type are not shy so you are likely to see them in a silly and awkward position on the balance ball or limbering up to use the leg machine with their arms.
The Designer Gym Kit One
This gym dawg is head to toe in the latest gym wear trend. Often Lycra based clothing and bright trainers this gym bunnies clothes are immaculate and absolutely not for sweating in but just for posing.
Often an older lady with a waif-like figure this type can be similar to those found in an ’80’s workout VHS reminiscent of Flash Dance.
Leg warmers are optional.
The Sweater
This is not the cuddly and warm type but the wet and smelly kind.
They usually do NOT carry a towel, after all it wouldn’t collect all the sweat anyway. Plus, who actually wipes the equipment down nowadays?!
You may be fooled into thinking they have poured their water bottle over themselves or used the showers whilst clothed. They overexert themselves on the cardio equipment and then leave the gym in the same sorry sweaty state for work.
The Weight Boss
No, this isn’t the actual boss, he just thinks he is.
Much like ‘The Judger’ he will assess if you can handle the weight machines.
He doesn’t believe in TRX or resistance training and prefers the age old weight lifting bars.
He is too old and injured for the ‘World’s Strongest Man’ but will always remind you of his weight lifting prime days.
The Gym Manager
This one has seen it all before.
He knows who will go the distance and steadily keeps an eye on things from his office.
In-between checking the showers, replacing lost gym cards, and working out the rota this Gym Manager has no time to work out themselves let alone help any newbies.
The Pushy PT
Don’t be fooled into thinking that with so many new faces the resident personal trainer will not spot you.
PT’s have an incredibly sensitive nose for new and inexperienced gym members.
Signs you have been found by a Pushy PT are when they ask your goals, why you attend the gym and where you got your workout plan from.
Beware!
The Newly Qualified PT
Unlike the Pushy PT the newly qualified PT is more relaxed. New to the gym, they are convinced they will get plenty of bookings just by working out on the gym area and of course being the most bouncy, smiley and friendly person to work in the gym, ever, FACT!
You are likely to see the newly qualified PT turn into the pushy PT when the next new recruit comes along later in the year.
Oh…and they will tire quickly of your requests for the toilet door code.
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