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Wife Stays Separately In A Hotel During A Family Vacation When She Finds A Detailed Report On Her In Husband’s Computer And Asks The Internet If She Overreacted
When you meet a new person, it’s not unusual to check out their social media or google their name to see what will come up. But it gets weird and creepy when it doesn’t stop there and you do a proper background check of a person you are planning to marry.
Finding out that a person you trusted your life to was compiling a file on you, your family and childhood friends may shock you and there is no way of telling what that reaction would be. When redditor sherlockholmes498 realized that exact thing happened to her, she kind of lost it and is asking the internet if she might have overreacted.
More info: Reddit
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The OP went on a vacation with her husband’s family and accidentally found out he ran a background check before they got engaged
Image credits: Alessandro Valli (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) has been married to her husband for three years and they’d been together for 2.5 years before getting married. They were on a vacation with her husband’s family and she wasn’t really interested in joining their activities a few times, so she wanted to stay home.
Because sherlockholmes498 didn’t bring her computer with her, her husband let her use his so that she wouldn’t be bored. While using her husband’s computer, the wife made a folder with her own name to keep her activities organized.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The husband gave her wife his computer as she didn’t bring hers so she would have something to do while she didn’t want to go out with the rest of the family
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
One time she was searching for that folder and typed in her name to find it and didn’t expect there to be another one. However, it had beencreated by her husband and not her. When the OP opened it, she found that there was a full report not only on her, but her family and friends.
At first she felt betrayed, but when she saw that there was information about her family that she didn’t know herself and the husband never mentioned it, sherlockholmes498 started to get angry.
While typing in her name, she found a file containing a report of an investigation done on her, her family and two childhood friends
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The woman read as much as she could before the husband and his family came back and in her own words, she exploded on him in front of everyone. The husband immediately tried to calm down his wife saying that it was no big deal and his cousin thought that it was completely normal because the husband was not the only one who did that.
The husband wanted to talk in private and talk more calmly, but the wife was done and wanted to leave. She didn’t want to stay in that house anymore or make the husband leave because it was owned by his parents.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The report contained information that she didn’t even know about her family and friends which made her get mad that her husband would keep it a secret
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The vacation was cut short and both the wife and the husband returned home. The OP gives us more information in the comments, answering some people’s questions. We learn that the husband’s family is wealthy and that he explained that he did the background check “so that there weren’t any surprises in the future.”
The husband got the report a few days before he proposed and he also showed it to his dad as it was partially his idea. Interestingly, the OP’s MIL suggested her son tell his then-future wife about the investigation, but it seems that he didn’t listen to his mom.
What bothers the OP the most is that he didn’t warn her about this and wasn’t planning to. She said in the comments that one of the things that the report found was a major thing she didn’t know about her family and her husband not telling her anything about it really upset her.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The OP had quite a strong reaction but the family didn’t think it was a big deal so she asks the internet if she was too sensitive to react in that way
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
In the question the OP is asking if she reacted in an inappropriate way, so we would like to hear your opinions. Was she being overly dramatic or was her reaction to the news justified? Also, what do you think of the husband conducting an investigation on his wife’s life and not planning to tell her anything? Do you think it’s normal and not a big deal as he believed? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
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Debbie 4 years ago
I doubt her outrage is solely because of the background check. It is because he didn't tell her. He didn't trust her enough to tell her? Also, it hurts her that he found out something about her family she didn't know. And he didn't trust her enough to share it with her (at least I would assume that is how it feels). I guess it would feel like he cheated on her. He is not the guy she thought he was.
K Witmer 4 years ago
Yep he's a liar and he's untrustworthy. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. He also tried to gaslight her and discount how she felt for his own benefit. I would never believe a word he said ever again. It's not hard to ask for consent and if she said no he could move on at least he'd be an honest person not a conniving liar.
Load More Replies...
Rose the Cook 4 years ago (edited)
Probably going to get a lot of hate but among the wealthy in China it is pretty normal for a man's mother to have a future daughter -in- law investigated especially if he is an only child. Parents don't want their hard earned money eventually passing to a grandchild who may not be their son's if the woman has a reputation for being promiscuous. Conversely, my first husband and his extended family were a bunch of parasites and petty crooks from another country I wish my parents had been able to have them investigated.
Debbie 4 years ago
If everyone involved knows about this, then sure. But don't do it secretly.
Load More Replies...
Rucha Vanarase 4 years ago
NAH - no asshole here. Both were right and wrong. Husband was right to do a background check. I have heard of multiple cases where people should have done background checks, and YIKES. Husband was wrong to not tell her he checked on her once he knew there was nothing sus and he really loved her. If not then, at least before getting married? He was also wrong to not delete the folder! If everything is fine why keep the stuff? Wife was right to be upset that this was kept from her, and also right to leave. But it would be wrong to leave him or something drastic just because he ran a background check. It's called being careful.
Tamora Spiller 4 years ago
I'm pro background checking everyone I date. I'll tell you if you ask, but I expect you to do the same of me. Though I don't see a need for extended family and friends. But the person themselves? Totally checking, because I've found some seedy stuff that saved me in the long run.
Load More Replies...
Yvette Desmarais 4 years ago
I will be doing this if I get married again. Too much bullshit gets ignored when you start getting to know people. You never know what you are getting into. And you are indeed marrying a family and friends not just one person.
Debbie 4 years ago
Would you do it in secret or just tell them that you are going to do this? That makes all the difference.
Load More Replies...
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I understand his caution. I also understand her outrage. That's painful, to learn you're not trusted till you pass the private investigation, b/c it says "Hi! We didn't trust his judgment, or your character! Welcome to the family!" Ew. And, yes, this happened to me. My UK in-laws.
Tamora Spiller 4 years ago
I online date and background check everyone before I go out. I don't get detailed on extended family, but I've found married guys pretending to be single or "separated", people who weren't who they said they were, a few serious crime reports involving bodily harm. So background check, I get it. I essentially expect anyone dating at this stage to do the same to me. Going through extended family and childhood friends though is a bigger deal.
Frannie Kaplan 3 years ago
I Don't, I Don't even look them up on facebook
Load More Replies...
kath morgan 4 years ago
Nta. I would be very alarmed if I found my partner had done something like that to me. And I would not consent to one. You don’t have to have something to hide to be squicked by someone rummaging in your business.
Debbie 4 years ago
I doubt her outrage is solely because of the background check. It is because he didn't tell her. He didn't trust her enough to tell her? Also, it hurts her that he found out something about her family she didn't know. And he didn't trust her enough to share it with her (at least I would assume that is how it feels). I guess it would feel like he cheated on her. He is not the guy she thought he was.
K Witmer 4 years ago
Yep he's a liar and he's untrustworthy. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. He also tried to gaslight her and discount how she felt for his own benefit. I would never believe a word he said ever again. It's not hard to ask for consent and if she said no he could move on at least he'd be an honest person not a conniving liar.
Load More Replies... Rose the Cook 4 years ago (edited)
Probably going to get a lot of hate but among the wealthy in China it is pretty normal for a man's mother to have a future daughter -in- law investigated especially if he is an only child. Parents don't want their hard earned money eventually passing to a grandchild who may not be their son's if the woman has a reputation for being promiscuous. Conversely, my first husband and his extended family were a bunch of parasites and petty crooks from another country I wish my parents had been able to have them investigated.
Debbie 4 years ago
If everyone involved knows about this, then sure. But don't do it secretly.
Load More Replies... Rucha Vanarase 4 years ago
NAH - no asshole here. Both were right and wrong. Husband was right to do a background check. I have heard of multiple cases where people should have done background checks, and YIKES. Husband was wrong to not tell her he checked on her once he knew there was nothing sus and he really loved her. If not then, at least before getting married? He was also wrong to not delete the folder! If everything is fine why keep the stuff? Wife was right to be upset that this was kept from her, and also right to leave. But it would be wrong to leave him or something drastic just because he ran a background check. It's called being careful.
Tamora Spiller 4 years ago
I'm pro background checking everyone I date. I'll tell you if you ask, but I expect you to do the same of me. Though I don't see a need for extended family and friends. But the person themselves? Totally checking, because I've found some seedy stuff that saved me in the long run.
Load More Replies... Yvette Desmarais 4 years ago
I will be doing this if I get married again. Too much bullshit gets ignored when you start getting to know people. You never know what you are getting into. And you are indeed marrying a family and friends not just one person.
Debbie 4 years ago
Would you do it in secret or just tell them that you are going to do this? That makes all the difference.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I understand his caution. I also understand her outrage. That's painful, to learn you're not trusted till you pass the private investigation, b/c it says "Hi! We didn't trust his judgment, or your character! Welcome to the family!" Ew. And, yes, this happened to me. My UK in-laws.
Tamora Spiller 4 years ago
I online date and background check everyone before I go out. I don't get detailed on extended family, but I've found married guys pretending to be single or "separated", people who weren't who they said they were, a few serious crime reports involving bodily harm. So background check, I get it. I essentially expect anyone dating at this stage to do the same to me. Going through extended family and childhood friends though is a bigger deal.
Frannie Kaplan 3 years ago
I Don't, I Don't even look them up on facebook
Load More Replies... kath morgan 4 years ago
Nta. I would be very alarmed if I found my partner had done something like that to me. And I would not consent to one. You don’t have to have something to hide to be squicked by someone rummaging in your business.
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