Wife Stays Separately In A Hotel During A Family Vacation When She Finds A Detailed Report On Her In Husband’s Computer And Asks The Internet If She Overreacted
When you meet a new person, it’s not unusual to check out their social media or google their name to see what will come up. But it gets weird and creepy when it doesn’t stop there and you do a proper background check of a person you are planning to marry.
Finding out that a person you trusted your life to was compiling a file on you, your family and childhood friends may shock you and there is no way of telling what that reaction would be. When redditor sherlockholmes498 realized that exact thing happened to her, she kind of lost it and is asking the internet if she might have overreacted.
More info: Reddit
The OP went on a vacation with her husband’s family and accidentally found out he ran a background check before they got engaged
Image credits: Alessandro Valli (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) has been married to her husband for three years and they’d been together for 2.5 years before getting married. They were on a vacation with her husband’s family and she wasn’t really interested in joining their activities a few times, so she wanted to stay home.
Because sherlockholmes498 didn’t bring her computer with her, her husband let her use his so that she wouldn’t be bored. While using her husband’s computer, the wife made a folder with her own name to keep her activities organized.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The husband gave her wife his computer as she didn’t bring hers so she would have something to do while she didn’t want to go out with the rest of the family
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
One time she was searching for that folder and typed in her name to find it and didn’t expect there to be another one. However, it had beencreated by her husband and not her. When the OP opened it, she found that there was a full report not only on her, but her family and friends.
At first she felt betrayed, but when she saw that there was information about her family that she didn’t know herself and the husband never mentioned it, sherlockholmes498 started to get angry.
While typing in her name, she found a file containing a report of an investigation done on her, her family and two childhood friends
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The woman read as much as she could before the husband and his family came back and in her own words, she exploded on him in front of everyone. The husband immediately tried to calm down his wife saying that it was no big deal and his cousin thought that it was completely normal because the husband was not the only one who did that.
The husband wanted to talk in private and talk more calmly, but the wife was done and wanted to leave. She didn’t want to stay in that house anymore or make the husband leave because it was owned by his parents.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The report contained information that she didn’t even know about her family and friends which made her get mad that her husband would keep it a secret
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The vacation was cut short and both the wife and the husband returned home. The OP gives us more information in the comments, answering some people’s questions. We learn that the husband’s family is wealthy and that he explained that he did the background check “so that there weren’t any surprises in the future.”
The husband got the report a few days before he proposed and he also showed it to his dad as it was partially his idea. Interestingly, the OP’s MIL suggested her son tell his then-future wife about the investigation, but it seems that he didn’t listen to his mom.
What bothers the OP the most is that he didn’t warn her about this and wasn’t planning to. She said in the comments that one of the things that the report found was a major thing she didn’t know about her family and her husband not telling her anything about it really upset her.
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
The OP had quite a strong reaction but the family didn’t think it was a big deal so she asks the internet if she was too sensitive to react in that way
Image credits: sherlockholmes498
In the question the OP is asking if she reacted in an inappropriate way, so we would like to hear your opinions. Was she being overly dramatic or was her reaction to the news justified? Also, what do you think of the husband conducting an investigation on his wife’s life and not planning to tell her anything? Do you think it’s normal and not a big deal as he believed? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
I doubt her outrage is solely because of the background check. It is because he didn't tell her. He didn't trust her enough to tell her? Also, it hurts her that he found out something about her family she didn't know. And he didn't trust her enough to share it with her (at least I would assume that is how it feels). I guess it would feel like he cheated on her. He is not the guy she thought he was.
Yep he's a liar and he's untrustworthy. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. He also tried to gaslight her and discount how she felt for his own benefit. I would never believe a word he said ever again. It's not hard to ask for consent and if she said no he could move on at least he'd be an honest person not a conniving liar.
A little over reacting yourself, huh?
Nope. I hate liars more than anything. I've been lied to and it has uprooted my life. Being blindsided by a liar is the worst it's dehumanizing and infantilizing
How is he a liar? I mean if she asked him if he ran a background check on her out of the blue, I would probably do one then! It might not be a lie but I will concede it is a major trust violation.
Nobody is ever who you think they are no matter what they say
So you agree with the husband?
Probably going to get a lot of hate but among the wealthy in China it is pretty normal for a man's mother to have a future daughter -in- law investigated especially if he is an only child. Parents don't want their hard earned money eventually passing to a grandchild who may not be their son's if the woman has a reputation for being promiscuous. Conversely, my first husband and his extended family were a bunch of parasites and petty crooks from another country I wish my parents had been able to have them investigated.
If everyone involved knows about this, then sure. But don't do it secretly.
No hate from me. I agree with you. I'm sure he had a reason that she made absolutely no mention of in her tirade. I should have done one on my ex husband and saved myself a lot of time and money.
Doing one on your future husband is one thing. This is an entirely different matter. He investigated her mother, father, siblings, and freaking FRIENDS. I would be LIVID if I found out one of my friends boyfriends ran a full background check on me, without permission, and without even notifying my friend. How about THEM? What of THEIR privacy? They had nothing to do with her marrying her SO. Funny how you made "absolutely no mention" of ANY of that in your post criticizing her.
The fact that he never told her and didn't give her an option and he didn't ask her friends or family is a disgusting violation of trust. He kept it a secret for years and kept the evidence. Why? To use it against her if he didn't like her friends? If my friend stayed w her lying untrustworthy husband after he violated my privacy I would never speak to her again. This is a huge violation and it's downright stalking which is criminal in the US. He's a liar. He wanted to find dirt on her and her family only to be the one that's dirty. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. She doesn't know him even a little bit. He's a lying sociopathic stranger. And then he tries to gaslight her and tell her it's no big deal totally discounting how she feels. He's a vile pos. Consent!! How does no one understand what the F consent is. Honesty is not a part of his world. Who wants to be w a conniving liar.
Yeah exactly, he spies on her extended family AND two of her friends (who should totally sue), and then he also downplays it "oh it's totally normal". No it's not. It's vile and should be illegal. This person cannot ever be trusted. If this was justified as he claimed, he should've at least fully disclosed it when the check returned clean and ask for pardon.
This situation is so weird that I find it hard to even form an opinion on it. If I found out someone ran a background check on me, I don't think I'd care because I have nothing to hide. I guess if they ran one on my family and friends, I would find that strange, but tbh, I wish I could run background checks on some of my ex's friends because I don't trust them around children (I have legitimately considered running checks on them actually, but he promises he never leaves our daughter alone with any friends I don't know and trust; I'll straight up kill him if he's lying and something happens to her). But I'm convinced there's more to this story and this guy is maybe Chinese like you mention or he's stinking rich, and this is normal for people with that kind of money. I don't know. I just don't see myself getting that mad about it.
I'll add, even the investigating the family part I can't get that mad about because what if I DO come from a family of grifters and thieves and I say no because I'm trying to hide it? What if I have a pedophile in my family and don't know about it because no one ever told me? I do understand why some people think not getting consent for the family and friends at the very least is overstepping, but what if the person actually *isn't* trustworthy or doesn't know the full story of their family's activities? Idk, to me, this is just more of a gray area than some will acknowledge.
"A reputation for being promiscuous" and what would that be? Many Chinese women are no longer marrying Chinese men due to their antics. And what does it have to do with money?
NAH - no asshole here. Both were right and wrong. Husband was right to do a background check. I have heard of multiple cases where people should have done background checks, and YIKES. Husband was wrong to not tell her he checked on her once he knew there was nothing sus and he really loved her. If not then, at least before getting married? He was also wrong to not delete the folder! If everything is fine why keep the stuff? Wife was right to be upset that this was kept from her, and also right to leave. But it would be wrong to leave him or something drastic just because he ran a background check. It's called being careful.
I'm pro background checking everyone I date. I'll tell you if you ask, but I expect you to do the same of me. Though I don't see a need for extended family and friends. But the person themselves? Totally checking, because I've found some seedy stuff that saved me in the long run.
No when you are checking on people that have nothing to do with their relationship...like her FRIENDS, her mom, her dad....that is WAY past "being careful". That is a full on invasion of privacy and completely unacceptable.
Nah all those people have an affect on a person. You can be with someone who is normal and a good background but a very criminal family. It could take years but eventually that family may have a negative affect on your partner and your life. These are fair things to think about, I have personally seen friends bypass obvious issues with their partners based on the crappy family only to be financially and emotionally damaged by the partners family affecting their lives.
Great. So you would have no issue with some random girl a friend of yours is dating running a full on background check on you? Good for you, but most do not think that is appropriate and would NOT give permission for it. Nice that you are an exception, but you are just that...an EXCEPTION.
It's all one's point of view. You dictating that I am the EXCEPTION is very closed minded. My circle and your circle are obviously different but in my close world and reality this would be deemed normal and in yours it's deemed abnormal, can you see how both views are correct in their respective circles? This whole instance does bring up interesting perspectives because it shows how something normal and regular to one person could be so damaging and abnormal to another.
It would be considered "Normal" in your circle for your friend's boyfriend to run a background check on you? Do you REALLY believe that is normal in most friend circles? If you do, you are simply fooling yourself. And it is not a "point of view" that a strange man that my friend is dating running a background check on me, unknowingly and without my permission, is an invasion of my privacy. That is simply a fact. Most people are NOT going to be perfectly fine with a stranger running a background check on them simply because they are dating their friend. Sorry. If that is 'normal" to you in any way, I would seriously reevaluate my views around normality and BOUNDARIES. If he wants to sneakily check HIS girlfriend, fine. That is between them. But when you start bringing ME into it, just because she is a friend of mine, that is when a line is crossed. Again...boundaries.
You sure speak in absolutes a lot, you have no idea what the majority of the world views anything. You talk as if you are speaking for the masses and that's a concerning way to think. Yes in my culture and my social circles it's absolutely normal to run background checks on the people and family in your perspective partners life. It's so normal that both usually and freely will provide all the information to get the process done fast and efficiently. I'm sorry that your world view is shaken but not everyone thinks and acts like you. I tried to see it from your view and I tried to show how different people have different views and that is ok bc we are exactly that, different. All you have done is accuse me of thinking in the minority, and told me to question my own values...that thinking is sick and I feel bad for someone so closed minded they would attack another and tell them to rethink their values. Must be nice to live in your absolutest world, I will still accept others.
I get what you're saying here, Brian, totally agree. Like, in China, it is very normal to do background checks, and parents do them for the prospective partners they are looking for for their children
The western world tends to run very individualistic (some countries more than others). So privacy and self autonomy and choice all trump the greater good. Most Central/South American, African, and Asian countries run very social. What is best for the greater good is what trumps everything else. To include personal privacy and autonomy sometimes. With that in mind, it is not beyond the pale for people to conduct background checks on their soon to be significant other. Especially in cultures where people used to have arranged mairrages. The whole family is affected by a marriage, so with this in mind people would be understanding with the cultural need to know everything about the person, like who they hang out with. The western individual culture is not the majority but the minority. The west just hold more power over media. I say this being an American.
He lied to her. The whole relationship is a lie and he ran background checks in everyone she knew. That is not normal. He did not get consent. She could not make an informed decision about him. Now she's blindsided w a conniving liar. He's a sociopath. Why couldn't he be honest? Bc he was afraid she'd leave him. That's her very right if she did. He gave her no choice for his own benefit it's selfish and manipulative. He's a liar and she's well rid of him.
I doubt her outrage is solely because of the background check. It is because he didn't tell her. He didn't trust her enough to tell her? Also, it hurts her that he found out something about her family she didn't know. And he didn't trust her enough to share it with her (at least I would assume that is how it feels). I guess it would feel like he cheated on her. He is not the guy she thought he was.
Yep he's a liar and he's untrustworthy. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. He also tried to gaslight her and discount how she felt for his own benefit. I would never believe a word he said ever again. It's not hard to ask for consent and if she said no he could move on at least he'd be an honest person not a conniving liar.
A little over reacting yourself, huh?
Nope. I hate liars more than anything. I've been lied to and it has uprooted my life. Being blindsided by a liar is the worst it's dehumanizing and infantilizing
How is he a liar? I mean if she asked him if he ran a background check on her out of the blue, I would probably do one then! It might not be a lie but I will concede it is a major trust violation.
Nobody is ever who you think they are no matter what they say
So you agree with the husband?
Probably going to get a lot of hate but among the wealthy in China it is pretty normal for a man's mother to have a future daughter -in- law investigated especially if he is an only child. Parents don't want their hard earned money eventually passing to a grandchild who may not be their son's if the woman has a reputation for being promiscuous. Conversely, my first husband and his extended family were a bunch of parasites and petty crooks from another country I wish my parents had been able to have them investigated.
If everyone involved knows about this, then sure. But don't do it secretly.
No hate from me. I agree with you. I'm sure he had a reason that she made absolutely no mention of in her tirade. I should have done one on my ex husband and saved myself a lot of time and money.
Doing one on your future husband is one thing. This is an entirely different matter. He investigated her mother, father, siblings, and freaking FRIENDS. I would be LIVID if I found out one of my friends boyfriends ran a full background check on me, without permission, and without even notifying my friend. How about THEM? What of THEIR privacy? They had nothing to do with her marrying her SO. Funny how you made "absolutely no mention" of ANY of that in your post criticizing her.
The fact that he never told her and didn't give her an option and he didn't ask her friends or family is a disgusting violation of trust. He kept it a secret for years and kept the evidence. Why? To use it against her if he didn't like her friends? If my friend stayed w her lying untrustworthy husband after he violated my privacy I would never speak to her again. This is a huge violation and it's downright stalking which is criminal in the US. He's a liar. He wanted to find dirt on her and her family only to be the one that's dirty. Her whole relationship is based on a lie. She doesn't know him even a little bit. He's a lying sociopathic stranger. And then he tries to gaslight her and tell her it's no big deal totally discounting how she feels. He's a vile pos. Consent!! How does no one understand what the F consent is. Honesty is not a part of his world. Who wants to be w a conniving liar.
Yeah exactly, he spies on her extended family AND two of her friends (who should totally sue), and then he also downplays it "oh it's totally normal". No it's not. It's vile and should be illegal. This person cannot ever be trusted. If this was justified as he claimed, he should've at least fully disclosed it when the check returned clean and ask for pardon.
This situation is so weird that I find it hard to even form an opinion on it. If I found out someone ran a background check on me, I don't think I'd care because I have nothing to hide. I guess if they ran one on my family and friends, I would find that strange, but tbh, I wish I could run background checks on some of my ex's friends because I don't trust them around children (I have legitimately considered running checks on them actually, but he promises he never leaves our daughter alone with any friends I don't know and trust; I'll straight up kill him if he's lying and something happens to her). But I'm convinced there's more to this story and this guy is maybe Chinese like you mention or he's stinking rich, and this is normal for people with that kind of money. I don't know. I just don't see myself getting that mad about it.
I'll add, even the investigating the family part I can't get that mad about because what if I DO come from a family of grifters and thieves and I say no because I'm trying to hide it? What if I have a pedophile in my family and don't know about it because no one ever told me? I do understand why some people think not getting consent for the family and friends at the very least is overstepping, but what if the person actually *isn't* trustworthy or doesn't know the full story of their family's activities? Idk, to me, this is just more of a gray area than some will acknowledge.
"A reputation for being promiscuous" and what would that be? Many Chinese women are no longer marrying Chinese men due to their antics. And what does it have to do with money?
NAH - no asshole here. Both were right and wrong. Husband was right to do a background check. I have heard of multiple cases where people should have done background checks, and YIKES. Husband was wrong to not tell her he checked on her once he knew there was nothing sus and he really loved her. If not then, at least before getting married? He was also wrong to not delete the folder! If everything is fine why keep the stuff? Wife was right to be upset that this was kept from her, and also right to leave. But it would be wrong to leave him or something drastic just because he ran a background check. It's called being careful.
I'm pro background checking everyone I date. I'll tell you if you ask, but I expect you to do the same of me. Though I don't see a need for extended family and friends. But the person themselves? Totally checking, because I've found some seedy stuff that saved me in the long run.
No when you are checking on people that have nothing to do with their relationship...like her FRIENDS, her mom, her dad....that is WAY past "being careful". That is a full on invasion of privacy and completely unacceptable.
Nah all those people have an affect on a person. You can be with someone who is normal and a good background but a very criminal family. It could take years but eventually that family may have a negative affect on your partner and your life. These are fair things to think about, I have personally seen friends bypass obvious issues with their partners based on the crappy family only to be financially and emotionally damaged by the partners family affecting their lives.
Great. So you would have no issue with some random girl a friend of yours is dating running a full on background check on you? Good for you, but most do not think that is appropriate and would NOT give permission for it. Nice that you are an exception, but you are just that...an EXCEPTION.
It's all one's point of view. You dictating that I am the EXCEPTION is very closed minded. My circle and your circle are obviously different but in my close world and reality this would be deemed normal and in yours it's deemed abnormal, can you see how both views are correct in their respective circles? This whole instance does bring up interesting perspectives because it shows how something normal and regular to one person could be so damaging and abnormal to another.
It would be considered "Normal" in your circle for your friend's boyfriend to run a background check on you? Do you REALLY believe that is normal in most friend circles? If you do, you are simply fooling yourself. And it is not a "point of view" that a strange man that my friend is dating running a background check on me, unknowingly and without my permission, is an invasion of my privacy. That is simply a fact. Most people are NOT going to be perfectly fine with a stranger running a background check on them simply because they are dating their friend. Sorry. If that is 'normal" to you in any way, I would seriously reevaluate my views around normality and BOUNDARIES. If he wants to sneakily check HIS girlfriend, fine. That is between them. But when you start bringing ME into it, just because she is a friend of mine, that is when a line is crossed. Again...boundaries.
You sure speak in absolutes a lot, you have no idea what the majority of the world views anything. You talk as if you are speaking for the masses and that's a concerning way to think. Yes in my culture and my social circles it's absolutely normal to run background checks on the people and family in your perspective partners life. It's so normal that both usually and freely will provide all the information to get the process done fast and efficiently. I'm sorry that your world view is shaken but not everyone thinks and acts like you. I tried to see it from your view and I tried to show how different people have different views and that is ok bc we are exactly that, different. All you have done is accuse me of thinking in the minority, and told me to question my own values...that thinking is sick and I feel bad for someone so closed minded they would attack another and tell them to rethink their values. Must be nice to live in your absolutest world, I will still accept others.
I get what you're saying here, Brian, totally agree. Like, in China, it is very normal to do background checks, and parents do them for the prospective partners they are looking for for their children
The western world tends to run very individualistic (some countries more than others). So privacy and self autonomy and choice all trump the greater good. Most Central/South American, African, and Asian countries run very social. What is best for the greater good is what trumps everything else. To include personal privacy and autonomy sometimes. With that in mind, it is not beyond the pale for people to conduct background checks on their soon to be significant other. Especially in cultures where people used to have arranged mairrages. The whole family is affected by a marriage, so with this in mind people would be understanding with the cultural need to know everything about the person, like who they hang out with. The western individual culture is not the majority but the minority. The west just hold more power over media. I say this being an American.
He lied to her. The whole relationship is a lie and he ran background checks in everyone she knew. That is not normal. He did not get consent. She could not make an informed decision about him. Now she's blindsided w a conniving liar. He's a sociopath. Why couldn't he be honest? Bc he was afraid she'd leave him. That's her very right if she did. He gave her no choice for his own benefit it's selfish and manipulative. He's a liar and she's well rid of him.