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69 Times People Saw Roasts So Good They Had To Share Them With Others
While everyone has at least heard a large variety of insults during their life, they are typically dumb, stock phrases yelled in anger. Which is why a well-honed verbal attack tends to stick with us for a long time after it’s actually been said.
So we’ve gathered some of the best insults people have heard and memorized or even been subjected to themselves. Get comfortable as you scroll through, add your favorites to your own arsenal, upvote the most creative examples and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments down below.
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#1
This was years ago, but at a bar a guy told me I would look better if I wasn’t wearing glasses. I told him he would look better if I wasn’t wearing glasses too.
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#2
"You look like you sort your crayons by taste".
#3
My 9 year old daughter to my 7 year old son at the movie theater: “when the movie starts you’re gonna have to stop talking… you should practice now.”
#5
I have neither the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you.
#7
Old but gold....
The famous insult exchange between Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill involved Lady Astor stating, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea" to which Churchill retorted, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Geoffrey Scott 5 hours ago
Not sure if it was Churchill or not, But.."You are drunk!". "And you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober".
#8
"He could hide his own Easter Eggs.".
#10
I am not saying you the dumbest guy on Earth, but you better hope nothing happens to that guy.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 13 hours ago
Everyone on BP is fine as long as that multi account bigot troll keeps turning up.
#11
Tom Arnold's response to Roseanne Barr.
Whenever the toxic relationship between Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr post break up is mentioned, the tendency is for the discussion to favor Roseanne because she's the one who went on to superstardom for a time.
However, Arnold absolutely hit a brutal bullseye some years back when she ridiculed the size of his pp on SNL, saying it was only three inches.
Shortly thereafter, while appearing on Letterman, Arnold delivered this scathing clap back:
"Even a 747 looks small when you're flying over the Grand Canyon."
Ouch. That's how you fire back.
#12
Were you homeschooled by a pigeon?
Phantom Phoenix 4 hours ago
I'm very strongly of the opinion that no home-schooling pigeon has ever or would ever teach creationism or flat earth nonsense
#13
16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my fiends and I to see American Pie:
Dad: so what is it about?
Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity.
Dad: I can stay home and see that.
#14
"You're not stupid, you're just confidently wrong" hits different every time.
#15
Back in the day of Modern Warfare 2 I was playing some search and destroy when a young kid started talking, so naturally everybody in the lobby starts giving him a hard time.
This one guy tells the kid "shut up kid, I bet you're fat" and the kid responded "I'm only fat because every time I do your mom she gives me a cupcake". I had a good laugh at that one.
Onan Hag All 8 hours ago (edited)
A very old retort from the cricket field, circa 1987. When hefty Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes kept playing and missing to an increasingly frustrated Glenn McGrath, the Australian had had enough and decided a bit of verbals were called for: 'Oi, Brandes, why the hell are you so fat?' Quick as a flash, the answer came back: 'Because every time I sh@g your missus, she gives me a biscuit.'
#16
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of ELDERBERRIES!"
UnclePanda 4 hours ago (edited)
I've been waiting since the late '70s to use that line but the right opportunity continues to elude me.
#17
One I recently heard for the first time
"You're the reason the Power Rangers need to shout out their colours".
#18
One time my husband was making fun of me and my 8 year old (at the time) son chimed in with, “you can’t be saying anything with your bat symbol hairline.”.
UnclePanda 5 hours ago
OMG, I didn't know! That's probably why Batman keeps asking me if everything is cool.
#19
If I had one hour to live, I would choose to spend it here because it feels like an eternity.
#20
"You have two brains cells, and both of them are fighting for third place.".
#22
A friend of mine posted a picture of one of our coworkers in the Navy, and said "roast me." The top comment was "The only thing your mother wants for Christmas is a folded flag.".
#23
You're kinda like Rapunzel except instead of letting down your hair you let down everyone in your life.
#24
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
#26
You're so stupid you couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
#27
Rude lady with little kids at the store; she gets tired of waiting in line and yells "Hurry up! I have kids!" To which a guy in line behind her replied "Well ma'am, we all make mistakes, don't we?".
#28
My favorite is
"You look like your father would be disappointed in you.
If he stayed.".
#29
Drill Sergeants are well known for their insults. One of my favorites was to a kid in Basic with really bad acne. He said "Those aren't acne scars, those are marks from the hanger."
Chich the witch 34 minutes ago
You weren't born. Your dad whacked off on a rock and you were hatched by the sun.
#31
"If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of you"
"Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you idiot".
#32
“Hearing you talk is a waste of good silence.”.
#33
“You have spent your life chasing knowledge, but it has always been faster”.
#35
One I heard was: “You’re not the main character, you’re just an NPC with dialogue glitches.” It’s so oddly specific it’s hard not to laugh even if it stings a little.
#36
"You have a keen sense of the obvious!".
#37
Wow, Harold, you are dumber than a block of wood and not nearly as useful.
My slavic dad telling off a dude.
#38
Drill instructors can cut deep.
Basic Training, new recruit does something stupid
Recruit: I’m sorry, sir!
DI: I know you’re sorry! I’m looking for a reason, not a personality trait.
#39
‘A good friend would lend me that money’
‘Yes they probably would’
‘Can I borrow it then?’
‘I thought we already discussed it’.
#41
"You are like the end piece of bread in a loaf, everyone touches you but no one wants you.".
#42
I held the door open for an old black woman at work one day (I am pasty white) and she looked at me in the eye and said "F you mayonaise monkey" and went through the door like I was not there.
I had no idea if that was an insult or how I should take it, so I had to go find a black co-worker to get a ruling... he died laughing and started calling his friends on speaker phone.
I am haunted to this day.
#44
From the south. Back in highschool one of the redneck kids at school was picking on my buddy, and he turns around and says "Mike, I wonder if you'd be able to speak more clearly if your parents were second cousins instead of first.".
#47
I work in geriatrics. A resident was getting annoyed with the physical therapist and shouted "Get away from me you pickle faced jerk!".
#48
The other day I heard someone on Instagram describe their likely-highly-inbred rescue cat as "the decorative foam apple of stay-at-home apex predators".
#49
My father, referring to one of his coworkers:
"He was delivered by C-section, and he has been avoiding labor ever since.".
#50
Talking about someone’s girlfriend ‘I don’t know what he sees in Alice, except the back of her head through her eyeballs…’
That made me proper laugh. She wasn’t very bright (or nice).
#52
A coworker called another coworker with a mustache the "unwanted third Mario brother" and I spit my breakfast all over the kitchen table because he really is unwanted and looks like a Mario brother.
Before the same (first) coworker lost 75 pounds he would call another overweight coworker "type 3" all the time.
#53
Was playing beer pong and I shouted "f me" in frustration and my friend responded with "its been 21 years haven't you figured out no one wants to do that".
#55
If your brains were dynamite it wouldn't be enough to blow your nose. Or something like that.
Geoffrey Scott 5 hours ago (edited)
If they were gas, you wouldn't have enough for an ant on a minibike to do a lap around a cheerio.
#56
My 5 year old daughter to her mother. "Mom, when you fly on your broom, which way does the fluffy side point?".
#57
It wasn’t necessarily the insult, but the play off of what he said. We used to make fun of each other at track practice. We were piling on one of our throwers. Dude was like 5’10, 310 pounds. He finally said “guys, stop trying to belittle me!”
I said “Ricky, nothing belittle about you.”.
Giles McArdell 4 hours ago
As a kid, arguing with my, rather plump, cousin, he said "I will never admit defeat", I answered "you'll have to admit they're there one day". He forgave me, I'm never sure whether to feel proud or guilty of that one.
#60
"Your parents must be furious with the one child policy."
#61
Some random girl in college had really bad acne. When one of my friends saw her the first time he said "Jesus Christ it looks like her face was on fire and someone tried to put it out with an ice pick"
I felt bad for her, but that's a pretty creative insult.
#62
You will never be the type of person any dog you meet thinks you are.
My buddy said that to an ex who cheated on him. She wanted to be a vet.
#64
You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerfherder.
Giles McArdell 4 hours ago
"Who's scruffy looking?" (implying that Han must have been a Nerfherder at some point). Also "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought" and "get this walking carpet out of my way"
#65
My friend called another friend a "six-piece chicken mcnobody" the other day. I love how it just rolls off the tongue.
#66
" you look like you were drawn with my left hand." "not even Noah's ark can carry you, animals".
Geoffrey Scott 5 hours ago
I like the one I saw on BP recently about someone with facial tats. "Looks like the detention desk at school"
#69
This is more like "most brutal" rather than "best," but...
Sixth grade math class. Ms. Teacherlady was brand new, first year, smoking hot, and kind of a jerk sometimes if we got on her nerves.
At the desk to my right was a kid who we'll call Robbie because his name was Robbie. Robbie, sadly, obviously had some issues at home. He always smelled bad, wore the same clothes every day, etc. Worse than zero social skills. I felt bad for him, even though he was constantly obnoxious and generally a pain to be around.
One day, Ms. Mathboobies was writing a problem on the board, made a mistake, realized it, said "Oops," and began to correct it. Robbie pounced. "Hah! Nice going!"
Without turning around, Ms. Smokinbooty replied, under her breath but still plenty loud for everyone to hear, "At least I don't sit by myself at lunch."
What do you think ?
Arthur Waite 6 hours ago
My old school friend Francis came up with a good one: Someone bumped his car with their door, and he said "Watch out, Clod." The other guy said "My name's not Claude." Francis: "I wasn't using your name, Clod."
martymcmatrix 5 hours ago
If I were you, I’d rather be me......you sat in the sandbox until you got drafted.......when you were a little blob you got a steak tied around your neck so at least the dogs would play with you...🤹🏽
Arthur Waite 6 hours ago
My old school friend Francis came up with a good one: Someone bumped his car with their door, and he said "Watch out, Clod." The other guy said "My name's not Claude." Francis: "I wasn't using your name, Clod."
martymcmatrix 5 hours ago
If I were you, I’d rather be me......you sat in the sandbox until you got drafted.......when you were a little blob you got a steak tied around your neck so at least the dogs would play with you...🤹🏽
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