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Usually, in a group of friends, there is a long list of inside jokes, sayings, and remarks. They are often the funniest words and expressions you’ve ever heard that make you chuckle every time. But there are also times when people who are known on a wider scale—celebrities—produce some hilarious quotes that make you roll with laughter.
From cute (and sometimes mischievous) jokes from the wonderful Betty White to light-hearted, positive, and funny lines about life from Stephen Hawking. There are plenty of fun quotes to discover. These funny sayings reflect the brighter side of life, turning hardships into comedy or just talking about seemingly mundane secrets behind their success.
So dive into this wonderful collection of funny quotes and sayings and add them to your daily repertoire of laughter. Vote for your favorites, as well as share the good vibes of the hilarious quotes with friends and family.
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#1
Guess I’ll Bring the Ouija
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
She is a National Treasure. All the animals think so too.
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Briana Landers 4 years ago
Betty White is LITERALLY the best thing since sliced bread. Before it actually
RELATED:
#2
Blondes Aren’t the Only Punchline
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
Katy McMouse 4 years ago
Dolly, Betty White, Tom Hanks, Keanu Reeves, and maybe Bill Murray (no - definitely Bill Murray) - this would be my Mt. Rushmore, if Mt. Rushmore didn't exist yet and I had the blasting skills to make it happen.
Rachael Sampson 4 years ago
People who make those jokes are stupid as hell anyway. Hair color is just a physical appearance and nothing more. It has nothing to do with who you are as a person.
Norma Jean Morrissey 2 years ago
Dolly is a true gift to the entertainment world.. A great talent and a wonderful person. Her music has given us such joy! My favs, are “Jolene”, “Coat of many colors” (I cry each time I hear it). Each song she writes and sings tells a story. A story we can identify with when hearing it. By the way if not a true blonde, what color is her hair?👱♀️Norma Jean Morrissey
#3
When hiding in plain sight fails
“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.” ― Stephen Hawking
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
I saw him once being wheeled by his carer in San Francisco’s Union Square...so did not expect that.
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Brian Bennett 4 years ago
This man was so brilliant he could make me understand what he was talking about!
#4
Classic \"I’m done with this\" energy
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”– Jim Carey
Otter 4 years ago
The alternate quote: "Behind every woman you ever heard of, is a man who let her down."
Daria B 4 years ago
Behind every human you heard or haven't heard of , there is multiple humans who let them down, oneself included.
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Rose Romano 4 years ago
This is a feminist quote from the 70's. It's not attributed to anyone. As often happens, what a woman says usually ends up anonymous or attributed to a man.
#5
Plot twists are optional in real life
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” — Tom Clancy
David Stuckey 4 years ago
"The reason truth is stranger than fiction is that truth is not obliged to please editors and readers" - Mark Twain.
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Michael Largey 4 years ago
This is a variation on the Mark Twain classic quote : "Of course truth is stranger than fiction - fiction has to make sense!"
Stephanie Barr 4 years ago
So damn true. If I put what happened the past eight years in a book, no one could get past the first chapter.
Brian Bennett 4 years ago
It is avery sad thing that nowadays that there is such useless information - Oscar Wilde
Analyn Lahr 4 years ago
Yes, fiction does have to have a certain amount of realism to be believable. Weird, but true. You can't just spout nonsense or no one will buy it. Even fantasy has to have a certain logic to it. But there are less rules. Disclaimer: Not a teacher or English major. I'm just going by observation so don't quote me.
#6
Plot Twist: Stealing Their Shoes Before The Roast
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey
Xan Maranya 4 years ago
I miss Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. "On the other hand, you have different fingers."
Lotekguy 2 years ago
Loved them. My favorite was "I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa, not wailing and screaming like his passengers."
Load More Replies... Kate Johnson 4 years ago
Wow, I remember when "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" was still on SNL. Now I'm going to go to bed at the thoroughly unrespectable time of 10pm. (I'd meant to be in bed by 9:20pm!) I feel so old...
#7
“Stupid’s the Real Endless”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
Kate Johnson 4 years ago
Gotta love the dichotomy betwixt the whitest name ever and the "Foshizzle", lol! 😄
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Vicky Z 4 years ago
Well, human stupidity existed since always but it just became more obvious now
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#8
Laugh Lines or Life’s Roast?
When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
Busy Panda 3 years ago
It's the drugs! Celebrities might want to cover their drug habits, but their bodies gave them away.
Samgraten Foddlebottle 4 years ago
That was a line from, Little House On The Prairie. Ma said it to Mrs Olsen. I remember because it cracked me up.
#9
Forever the Dad, Forever the Sass
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” —Jack Whitehall
Brian Bennett 4 years ago
Beinng a little weird is just a natural side-effect of being awesome1
Susan Bosse 4 years ago
Wrong guy. Jack Whitehall is an English comedian. Check out "Travels With My Father." You'll understand his statement.
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#10
Green but make it magical
“This book was written using 100% recycled words.” ― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
David Stuckey 4 years ago
Reminds me of the dialogue in the Goon Show - "Can you hear me?" "Only in words!" "Good, then I shall only speak in words"
Anjali Cooper 3 years ago
A comment below reminded me of a random thing my dad says when gnus are mentioned (it happens way more often than you’d think lol) : “No gnus is good gnus!”
Lorraine R 2 months ago
Flanders and Swann: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPgo6s1lBbw
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#11
Instant personality test: buffering edition
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Paula Bridges 4 years ago
Hey, if you are going to ask me to go camping, I'm out of there anyway. My idea of camping includes modern plumbing and an internet hooked up computer.
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Wondering Alice 4 years ago
Wait until you have seen each other with a cold too. If you see someone snotty irritable and needy - at their worst and least attractive and you want to make them feel good and they do same for you - most likely it's not just attraction it's love.
Philly Bob Squires 4 years ago
Before you get married, try walking with your mate through IKEA. If you don't end up killing each other, you're good to go.
Nicole Mitchell 4 years ago
Really anything stressful or unpredictable and then you have to trust what you see and not say oh but it was a particularly stressful event.
Kimberley Gayle Thomas 3 years ago
I would be complaining like a sailor depending on what I needed to get done then.
#12
Someone’s living rent-free in my wardrobe
“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.” ― Michelle Obama
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
I know it’s never going to happen, but I would love, love, love to have Michelle Obama run for President!
ispeak catanese 4 years ago
I wouldn't wish that on her at all. She deserves peace and quiet and safety and can accomplish a lot without being president.
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Busy Panda 3 years ago
"Tell me what time you will get out of there, and I will tell you what time you'll be at home," - Michelle Obama
#13
Plot twist, she’s the real comedian
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Caro Caro 4 years ago
I could embroider this on a little pillow slip and gift it to my hubby :D
#14
Well, That Figures
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ― Bob Hope
#15
True Friends: Flaws Included
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.“ — Greg Tamblyn
Phyllis Striho 4 years ago
very true . after I retired someone would always see me at a store and say hi !!! i it's always nice to know people remember 😀😀😀
Lotekguy 2 years ago
Especially if they don't remember just because you still owe them some money they lent you.
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#16
Big Brain Energy Only
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
FUN FACT: Isaac Asimov is the only person who has authored a book in each major category of the Dewey Decimal System
Ella Nickael 4 years ago
"When they say ‘each Dewey decimal category’ they mean the ten main groups which are: 1 Class 000 – Computer science, information & general works 2 Class 100 – Philosophy & psychology 3 Class 200 – Religion 4 Class 300 – Social sciences 5 Class 400 – Language 6 Class 500 – Science 7 Class 600 – Technology 8 Class 700 – Arts & recreation 9 Class 800 – Literature 10 Class 900 – History & geography Asimov has a book in nine of these categories and a mention in class 100 because his contribution there was a video, not a book." https://www.quora.com/Isaac-Asimov-is-often-said-to-be-the-only-author-to-have-a-book-in-each-Dewey-decimal-category-This-is-not-quite-true-there-is-one-category-that-doesnt-contain-any-of-his-work-Which-category-is-this?top_ans=134997522
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Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Yeah, but I’ve always found that the more I know, the more I realize I don’t know a damn thing.
Ikonye St. Jude 4 years ago
And at that point is where one starts to truly learn.
Load More Replies... Crispy Toast 4 years ago
I had a literature Professor who stuck his nose up at Science Fiction. I did a short story report on The Bicentennial Man, which he had to read in order to grade my paper. After that, he said he was pleasantly surprised by the how good it was, and said he had changed his mind about Sci-Fi. Me and Asimov for the win! Another convert to a wonderful genre of fiction!
Mimi M 4 months ago
He wrote over 500 books, most quite long. At one point he was the most prolific author in the world, not sure if that's still the case. He wrote 7 days a week from 9am till 9pm except for short breaks.
Lorraine R 2 months ago
And before word processing, he had something like eight or ten typewriters in his writing room, each with a different work-in-progress on it.
Load More Replies... Brian Bennett 4 years ago
My favorite word is apparently - makes everything sound sarcastic. He is intelligent apparently!
Huddo's sister 4 years ago
Is that why people always think I'm being sarcastic. I mean, most of the time I am but when I use apparently it's usually because I have no memory of where/when I read something and don't want anyone holding me to what may not be a fact :)
Load More Replies... #17
Honestly, Same Energy
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.“– Mark Twain
Corlissa 2 years ago
I agree, and I'm ten, so.......... am I eavesdropping?
Load More Replies... #18
Living Proof That Nothing Works
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”— Winnie the Pooh
Francine Govan 4 years ago
"whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried to staple water to a tree"
TheDanceQueen 4 years ago
Random fun fact: Winnie the Pooh is based on different Mental illnesses. Pooh has impulsively, piglet has anxiety, Roo has autism, Eyeore has Depression, etc.
Mike_The_Nike (He They) 2 years ago
i had no idea that they were all stuffed animals for SO LONG
Oopsydaisy 4 years ago
This is not from any book written by AA Milne. Seriously. It's not even in the style of the books. Wtf is wrong with you people. Can you not look up Quote Investigator before you post this crap? Most of the quotes in this list are pretty dubious.
#19
Well, That’s Practical Fatalism
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” — Stephen Hawking
Chicago Dog Lover 4 years ago
Well, lots of people say, "God will protect me (like from COVID)." To those who believe in God: He/She/They/It gave you a brain and expects you to use it to help protect yourself!
Travis Fox 4 years ago
God helps those who help themselves. He expects you to be diligent in protecting your body and others against harm. And as far as "religious liberty" to not wear a mask... Well how about render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's. In other words follow and obey the law of the land and keep your heart and body pure and healthy. It's a no brainer.
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IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago (edited)
All this reminds me of one of my dad’s favourite jokes. A man gets caught on his roof in a flood. As the water gets higher and higher a man comes along in a boat and says “get I’ll save you “. “No thanks says the man The Lord will save me. So the man I’m the boat rows away. Soon the water is up to the man’s neck when a helicopter flies over him and the pilot shouts “grab the rope and I’ll save you. Again the man says “no God will save me. The pilot flies away. Just then a wave consumes the man and he drowns. Up in Heaven he is greeted by the Lord. He says I am a good and loyal servant Lord why did you not save me.? To which the Lord replied “ I sent you a boat and a helicopter, What more did you want”?
Aamna Shah 4 years ago
This is a presumption that people have about people of all religions without knowing much about them at all. It might be true for current followers of Christianity but many religious people don't believe in it the way Stephen claims in the quote. For example, in my faith, we don't believe everything is predetermined. We do believe that we have free will but we believe that the Higher Power knows us and everything that exists so They're aware of our individual choices. However, the decision to make those choices is our own. I am Muslim (no hate because BP has become a place that congregates liberal Islamophobes which is unfortunate) and we don't believe that we're supposed to not take care of ourselves or our communities because God will. Our faith makes it clear that we must take all precautions for the safety of ourselves and our communities and only then leave to God. Its unfortunate that Americans (even intelligent ones) make arrogant presumptions about all religions without knowing
colonel Kira Nerys 4 years ago
He wasn't necessarily talking about all religions, just people who say that science is a waste because everything is predetermined.
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Thomas Sweda 4 years ago
Amen ! And I really like those athletes who ask God to help them win, which is really asking God to make the other guy lose.
Lorraine R 2 months ago
The athletes I've heard talk about this say they don't pray for God to help them win, just help them to do their best.
Load More Replies... Steven Mello 4 years ago
I particularly appreciate the action hero/multiverse interpretation of reality. You exist in infinite universes, but are only aware of the ones where you keep living/existing. If you're stupid enough, you stopping existing infinitely.
#20
Books: Bestie Outside, Dark Inside
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
Elle O 4 years ago
I dunno... The right book could poop all over your ideals and beliefs... 🤷♀️
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Raven DeathShade 4 years ago (edited)
This quote is mentioned in quite possibly one of my favorite books ever, "Escape From Mr. Lemoncello's Library". It's a story about a town whose only public library was destroyed 12 years before the story begins, so billionaire gamemaker Luigi Lemoncello makes a new one, which is AMAZING. There are a lot of puzzles and riddles relating to books, and I love it. I highly recommend it :).
#21
Open Mind? Here Come the Brain Invaders
"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."— Terry Pratchett
liam newton-harding 1 month ago
I have read every single Terry Pratchett book multiple times...except for, "The Sheppard's Crown", his last book...I can't do it...I own it, it sits in my collection...but if I read it, there will never be a "new" Terry Pratchett book for me to read.
Kely Toboologlou 4 years ago (edited)
Ha classic!, ancient Greek history, the very first time a christian came along insisting that their statue on the unknown god was all about christianity and not about the philosophy of being open minded ;-)
#22
Some deals are just too fishy
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
Graham Norton is THE BEST! I’m still working on my Big Red Chair story that I’ll never be able to tell because I no longer have enough money to travel abroad. Should the magic genie show up, I want to be ready!
Steve Pike 4 years ago
Ugh, sushi! I don't understand the attraction with eating raw fish - I blame Gollum
#23
Meet the CEO, not the person
"When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative." ― Chris Rock.
Lord Mysticlaw 4 years ago
I immediately thought of what we in South Africa call an imbongi or praise singer.
Load More Replies... #24
When Theft Becomes Research
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” ― Steven Wright
Dave P 4 years ago
except Steven Wright stole that quote, the quote pre-dates his birth https://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/09/20/plagiarism/
Joshua HJN 2 years ago (edited)
And that's the humour of it. He stole the quote. XD
Load More Replies... Barbara Williamson 4 years ago
I wish he had his own TV show. I loved watching anything he was in. SOOOOO funny!
E M Gallieshaw 4 years ago
😅And landed on the Forbes List, for her efforts.
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The Numerator 2 years ago
It's only plagiarism if you steal their identity along with it. Just using a concept or idea is sampling, which is a form of inspiration.
#25
Deadlines: Professional Panic Mode Activated
“I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
Wondering Alice 4 years ago
One of my favorite thing about working with kids - every year you get a fresh crowd who you get to introduce to Douglas Adams.
Caz Bellingham 4 years ago
I feel like this was paraphrased in one of the pirates of the Caribbean films...
#26
Fairy tales got nothing on reality
“Life isn't a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.” ― Darynda Jones
#27
Family vibes, but make it friendlier
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” —Anonymous
#28
Plot Twist: Dad’s Honest Confession
“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’” — Sheila Lee
Veronica Connelly 4 years ago
"Sheila Jackson Lee is an American lawyer and politician who is the U.S. representative for Texas's 18th congressional district, having served since 1995. The district includes most of central Houston. She is a member of the Democratic Party."
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Barbara Williamson 4 years ago
HA---too late, go by a drugstore or a truck stop on the way home (dumb ass) !
#29
Future CEOs In Training, Apparently
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
Callie Krisel 2 years ago
Then you gotta figure out how to be a fairy princess veterinarian police officer firefighter
#30
That irony hit different
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” —Zach Galifianakis
Marissa Taylor 4 years ago
so is Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (fear of long words ironically) i'm starting to think the person who made these words hated the other guy o.o
Vicky Z 4 years ago
I had to Google it cause i didn't believe this is true and now I'm grateful that i learnt that information! Thanks
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IlovemydogShilo 4 years ago
Just like Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words
#31
Plot Twist: Forgiveness as Revenge
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde
Caro Caro 4 years ago
When they're picking a fight you could say "I love you" and see what happens. I guess they'll explode because it infuriates them, so it's a win win.
Ell Bee 4 years ago
Lol - That's like when a southern woman says, "Bless your heart."
Load More Replies... Calyfan Yelood 4 years ago
one of my favourite bible verses is proverbs 25:21-22: 21If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. 22For in so doing, you will heap burning coals on his head
Crispy Toast 4 years ago
He was persecuted by many people, he definitely knew what he was talking about.
#32
Captain Obvious Strikes Again
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." — Steve Martin
Eliza Osenbaugh-Stewart 5 months ago
It's a day in Seattle is what it is. Take it from a Seattlite.
Lillukka79 4 years ago
That's Iceland. The number of volcanos in Finland is 0.
Load More Replies... #33
Snails: New French Power Move
”Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”— Doug Larson
#34
Plot Twist: Sea Level Drama
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.“ — George Burns
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
I miss George Burns! Old bastard up and died...what was he thinking?
Beth Gietl 4 years ago
True!! He had an affair once and bought Gracie a Silver tea set. One day Gracie told a friend that she would like for George to have another affair because she needed a new living room suite.
Crispy Toast 4 years ago
I always think of him when I hear the song (What if God was) One of Us.
#35
Old age called, it wants its leaks back
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me." ― Stephen Fry
Vasana Phong 4 years ago
Glad it’s just not me, then again I’ve always been a bed wetter since child, so I guess I have more issues
#36
Adulting Level: Officially Warned
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” —Joan Rivers
Mimi La Souris 4 years ago
this woman was very funny, too bad that we remember her more for these operations than for her mind
Catherine Binder 4 years ago
She will always be cheif of fashion police to me.
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#37
Lowkey savage life advice
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin
Snorkeldorf 4 years ago (edited)
My favorite George Carlin quote based on anything and everything that came out in the news. This just in. Scientists have discovered: "Saliva causes cancer, but only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.". And, yes, I am a cancer survivor.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
I remember when he said that. I think it was on Johnny Carson, and was around the time—-early eighties, if memory serves—-it was discovered that saccharin caused cancer in mice, so was pulled from store shelves. That discovery was followed by a load of similar reports about other things, like every week a new product was being recalled or banned for the same or similar reason, so Carlin crafted this excellent joke by taking the idea to its most ludicrous extreme.
Load More Replies... Terry Tobias 4 years ago
I saw George Carlin back in the 80's. That was during the "stuff" period. He was hysterical and I think he's even more relevant today. RIP George!
Channon Doughty 4 years ago
My fave quote is his tirade on plastics, which ended with maybe Earth just wants plastic and "when she gets all she needs she'll just shake us off like a bad case of fleas".
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
"I'm musical- if you hit me with a pipe I make a noise" my fave Carlin quote.
MorgothBauglir 4 years ago
The secret mastermind is always such an interesting character. Professor Moriarty. Vito Carleone. The Joker.
#38
Would’ve saved me sooner
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” —Steven Wright
Barbara Williamson 4 years ago
Better go by Lowe's or Home Depot before you "board" that lousy boat
#39
My kind of cardio
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” —Noel Coward
#40
Fake it till you feel it (or not)
"Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” — Tina Fey
Kirsten Kerkhof 4 years ago
I always tell my dancers that the top dancers are basically 50% skill and 50% stage presence. Yes, they are good dancers, but they are even better at selling the idea why they are good dancers.
#41
Hilarious Quotes
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
#42
Hilarious Quotes
"The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided."– Casey Stengel
Lord Mysticlaw 4 years ago
This is some excellent advise, applicable to other things than being a manager too
#43
Hilarious Quotes
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
#44
Hilarious Quotes
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’" —Conan O’Brien
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Good sentence structure and pacing. I could see your joke working for a very niche audience.
Load More Replies... #45
Hilarious Quotes
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld
Tim Douglass 4 years ago
As someone who will, and has, literally crossed the street for the opportunity to speak in public this statistic is one I have a hard time identifying with. Give me a topic and a podium and I'm on it!
#46
Hilarious Quotes
“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’” — Larry Timmons
#47
Hilarious Quotes
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth
Snorkeldorf 4 years ago (edited)
Or the old one.....I used to snort coke but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose. - author unknown.
#48
Hilarious Quotes
“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” —Judith Martin
Nasta Klein 4 years ago
Someone showing you it's bad art piece : Howww, that's very *interesting/funny/original/unique* pick one and smile.
#49
Hilarious Quotes
“When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.'”— Yogi Berra
Miss Frankfurter 4 years ago
Also said, in giving directions to a friend coming to his house "When you get to a fork in the road, take it".
Mtownmick 4 years ago
When asked why he didn't go to a famous restaurant, Yogi said: "Nobody goes there any more, it's too crowded."
Lorraine R 2 months ago
My favorite is, "If the world was perfect, it wouldn' be."
Load More Replies... #50
Hilarious Quotes
“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” — Noelle Chatham
#51
Hilarious Quotes
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer” ― Douglas Adams
#52
Hilarious Quotes
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.” — Anonymous
Catherine Binder 4 years ago
No one will ever forget anonymous did that thing with that stuff.
Load More Replies... #53
Hilarious Quotes
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." — Flip Wilson
#54
Hilarious Quotes
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Dave Sturtz 4 years ago
My Dad said he wanted us kids to have things he never had as a kid, like straight A's on our report cards.
#55
Hilarious Quotes
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” —Robin Williams
#56
Hilarious Quotes
“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” —B. Birdsong
DippityDooDerp 2 years ago
My OM is one of the most honest and supportive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!
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Donnie Mc00 4 years ago
You have a point but you cant change the original quote to suit today's culture. It is what it is.
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#57
Hilarious Quotes
”Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”— Billy Sunday
#58
Hilarious Quotes
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”– Mark Russell
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
Don’t know this Mark Russell dude, but I’m in total agreement with his Theory of Luggage!
Gerard Neaux 4 years ago (edited)
The lost socks are in the bags in orbit
Load More Replies... #59
Hilarious Quotes
"My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I don't know how much she charges him though."― Emo Phillips
#60
Hilarious Quotes
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown
#61
Hilarious Quotes
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." — George Gobel
RandomX123 4 years ago
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all have some more money in our pockets at the end of the month
#62
Hilarious Quotes
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
#63
Hilarious Quotes
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
#64
Hilarious Quotes
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous
#65
Hilarious Quotes
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone." — Reba McEntire
#66
Hilarious Quotes
"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers." —Matt Groening
#67
Hilarious Quotes
“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” —Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors
#68
Hilarious Quotes
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'" — Tommy Cooper
#69
Hilarious Quotes
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
#70
Hilarious Quotes
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” —Groucho Marx
Alexander Smith 4 years ago
I think that was from Duck Soup. He really did come up with some very clever jokes albeit that some were a bit crude for the time.
#71
Hilarious Quotes
”Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.” — J. Paul Getty
#72
Hilarious Quotes
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.“ — Helen Rowland
#73
Hilarious Quotes
“If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.”– Muhammad Ali
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
I miss Muhammad Ali! He was the only boxer I ever watched when I could...he had a mouth on him!
#74
Hilarious Quotes
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” —Phil Pastoret
Deppressedboo (gender fluid) 2 years ago
So it turns out they can talk and now my pant have holes in them
#75
Hilarious Quotes
“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen
Veronica Connelly 4 years ago
Why is this quoted by Steve Martin up higher on this list? Very confused
#76
Hilarious Quotes
"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic." ― Jane Wagner
#77
Hilarious Quotes
“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?” ― Steven Wright
#78
Hilarious Quotes
“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” —Mark Twain
Tim Douglass 4 years ago
I never loan money to family or friends. I've made a lot of gifts over the years and some people have returned those gifts, but I've never made a loan and so no one has ever failed to repay me.
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
Never "lend" money that you can't afford to give as a gift, EVER. Never "borrow" money from friends. 2 things that have kept me in friendships for decades.
#79
Hilarious Quotes
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
#80
Hilarious Quotes
"Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch." —Jon Stewart
Terry Tobias 4 years ago
No offense to Trevor Noah, but I still miss Jon doing 'The Daily Show'.
Mac 4 years ago
The Problem with Jon Stewart might give you the fix you need....
Load More Replies... Snorkeldorf 4 years ago (edited)
We all screw up our kids one way or another. We do our best to correct the perceived mistakes of our parents. Our kids will do the same with their children. And then, each generation creates their own mistakes. If the good outweighs the bad as time progresses and we all learn, that's not too bad.
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
But if they screw up in the industrial size, a lot of their children will choose to not to reproduce at all.
Load More Replies... #81
Hilarious Quotes
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
May 4 years ago
Rodney Dangerfield - now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Completely forgot about him, but seem to remember he was a big star back in the day?
Robert A Reider Jr 4 years ago
He was nothing less than beloved! Watch his early stand-up on Sullivan and Carson or "Easy Money" to see why. (be aware of the era. Appreciate what wouldn't turn many heads today was scandalous then, you'll see what I mean).
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CHRIS DOMRES 4 years ago
My favorite Rodney line: "We were so poor when I was a kid that if I was not born a boy, I would not have had anything to play with."
#82
Hilarious Quotes
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.” ― Bill Watterson
Henry Russell 4 years ago (edited)
well at least it gave you something - Jack, Ryan and Adam Met
Dianellian 4 years ago
Give me lemons! I squeeze it on my fish dinner and soda water. I miss my decapitated lemon tree (wasp gall).
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
It's actually, "When life gives me lemons I add some of my own and chuck them right back."
#83
Hilarious Quotes
Police officer: “Pull over.” Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.” —Harry Dunne, Dumb and Dumber
#84
Hilarious Quotes
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
#85
Hilarious Quotes
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” —Oscar Wilde
Viviane 4 years ago
Wilde also mooched during his exile: invited himself to others' restaurant tables, ordered the finest dishes, and left. Some diners rationalized that paying his bill was the fee for his brilliant conversation.
Load More Replies... Nasta Klein 4 years ago
Am i alone thinking it's quite the opposite actually? It takes a lot of imagination and astuce to live well in a frugal way.
#86
Hilarious Quotes
“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” —Adam Gropman
AnxietyRiddenMom 4 years ago
"60% of the time, it works every time" Brian Fantana about sex panther
#87
Hilarious Quotes
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Sir Norman Wisdom
#88
Hilarious Quotes
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
#89
Hilarious Quotes
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”– Bob Hope
Okasan Willis 4 years ago
I can identify with this, we were 7 people (4 females) and one bathroom
#90
Hilarious Quotes
“Don't make me an optimist. You will ruin my life.”– Fleabag, Fleabag
#91
Hilarious Quotes
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie
#92
Hilarious Quotes
“I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” — Matt Wohlfarth
#93
Hilarious Quotes
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” —Zach Galifianakis
#94
Hilarious Quotes
”The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream." ― Bill Murray
Guy MacGregor 4 years ago
Nah. Taxes are useful for yourself in the end, it does not disappear.
#95
Hilarious Quotes
“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” —Anonymous
#96
Hilarious Quotes
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz
Kimi Tomminello 4 years ago
"2 wrongs don't make a right, but 2 Wrights did make an airplane"- Groucho Marx (?)
May 4 years ago
Are you thinking of negatives? Because that's not the same as wrong.
Load More Replies... #97
Hilarious Quotes
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” —Mitch Hedberg
#98
Hilarious Quotes
“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” — Lemony Snicket
#99
Hilarious Quotes
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
#100
Hilarious Quotes
“Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller
#102
Hilarious Quotes
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” —Edgar Bergen
Sandy Kavanaugh 4 years ago
Actually, hard work has killed lots of people. Steady work rarely does.
#103
Hilarious Quotes
"You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."― Robin Williams.
#104
Hilarious Quotes
"I love South Dakota, I do. And you know, the Black Hills of South Dakota are sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into the side of a mountain."― Jim Gaffigan
Miss Frankfurter 4 years ago
If dynamite was used to blow up the rock to shape the faces, it can be used to remove them. Then pay the Lakota the amount of money in today's value matching all the gold the white man mined from their land, give all the land back and leave them alone!
Hayley Shaver 3 months ago
then there;s the problem of the rubble and funding of payback . .
Load More Replies... #105
Hilarious Quotes
“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”― Lynda Montgomery
#106
Hilarious Quotes
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” —Dave Barry
#107
Hilarious Quotes
“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” — Anonymous
Ann Dennis 2 years ago
That's what an optimist says when s/he falls off the Eiffel Tower.
Load More Replies... #108
Hilarious Quotes
"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."— Chelsea Handler
#109
Hilarious Quotes
“Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
#110
Hilarious Quotes
“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.” —Doug Larson
#111
Hilarious Quotes
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
For if they had an accident before pearl-harboring their targets. If you can use one again, it is still better than having to teach a new one.
#112
Hilarious Quotes
"My psychiatrist told me I am crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."― Rodney Dangerfield.
#113
Hilarious Quotes
“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids
#114
Hilarious Quotes
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” — Reese Witherspoon
#115
Hilarious Quotes
“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.” ― Rick Riordan
#116
Hilarious Quotes
“There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.”—Robert Benchley
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
There’s probably a Robert Benchley comment for every possible situation
#117
Hilarious Quotes
“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.“ — Josh Billings
#118
Hilarious Quotes
“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” – Dwight Schrute, The Office
#119
Hilarious Quotes
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”― Charles Schulz
#120
Hilarious Quotes
“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” —Fran Lebowitz
Corey Smith 4 years ago
Huh, I use it pretty often. Woodworking, carpentry, scaling a recipe, figuring out relative prices. Lots of places.
#121
Hilarious Quotes
”Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”– Jules Renard
#122
Hilarious Quotes
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”― Lily Tomlin
#123
Hilarious Quotes
"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."― Eugene Bertin
#124
Hilarious Quotes
“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” —Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada
#125
Hilarious Quotes
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” —Jarod Kintz
#126
Hilarious Quotes
"I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat." ― Harold Wilson
Crazy Meerkat Lady 4 years ago
And this is called a realist, which a lot of people confuse with a pessimist
L P 3 months ago
Yes. And other Times with Lear. Following that quote, I'm not all time fearing getting wet. I just prefer to be wearing a raincoat if they're high chances of raining and not getting wet instead of ignoring the clues and getting wet.
Load More Replies... David deVaull 4 years ago
and there he stood, Harold on the M1 Overpass, flashing thousands as they pass under the bridge. everybody needs a hobby. Nothing compared to what Thatcher did
#127
Hilarious Quotes
"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine." — Karl Pilkington
#128
Hilarious Quotes
“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” — Rhea Butcher
#129
Hilarious Quotes
“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” — Dennis Miller
#130
Hilarious Quotes
"Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter." — James A. Garfield
Marsha Brown 3 months ago
It wasn't Garfield who said it. Peanut butter was not reinvented (the Aztecs made it) until 1884; Garfield died in 1881.
#131
Hilarious Quotes
“Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.” ― Howard Nemerov
#132
Hilarious Quotes
“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” ― Sylvia Plath
#133
Hilarious Quotes
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
Jody Whitmarsh 4 years ago
Dogs do talk, you just gotta learn their language. I have full on conversations with my fur baby
#134
Hilarious Quotes
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."― Mitch Hedberg.
#135
Hilarious Quotes
“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.” —Harry, When Harry Met Sally
#136
Hilarious Quotes
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck
Miss Frankfurter 4 years ago
At the hospital I used to work at, in our unit we set up a room to just sit and be quiet. We got a goldfish. We set up a "medication" record to sign when the fish was fed so they didn't get overfed and die. One day someone was cleaning the fishbowl and the fish fell on the floor. Got them back into the bowl in time, but still, they didn't look so good. We attached oxygen tubing and put it in the water to try to help, but they died. We had a small funeral before flushing them down a large disposal. No way we were going to tell our patients we couldn't keep a goldfish alive!
#137
Hilarious Quotes
“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” — Will Rogers
#138
Hilarious Quotes
“When asked, "Why do you always wear black?", he said, "I am mourning for my life.” ― Anton Chekhov
#139
Hilarious Quotes
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
#140
Hilarious Quotes
"If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is - they don't love you back."– Chelsea Peretti
#141
Hilarious Quotes
"For those of you who don't know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all 'Eye of the Tiger' and soldiers on." ― John Mulaney.
#142
Hilarious Quotes
“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” —Dorothy Parker
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
But it can buy medication (looking especially at you, insulin), appointments with the best doctors, healthy food, and... yeah, diamonds. Diamonds are pretty cool too.
#143
Hilarious Quotes
“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda
#144
Hilarious Quotes
A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.” ― Oscar Levant
#145
Hilarious Quotes
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
#146
Hilarious Quotes
"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three." — Alice Kahn
#147
Hilarious Quotes
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." ― Mitch Hedberg.
Lori Rommel 4 years ago
And my favorite Mitch Hedberg quote is (ironically), "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
Load More Replies... #148
Hilarious Quotes
"I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back."― Jimmy Kimmel.
#149
Hilarious Quotes
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome
#150
Hilarious Quotes
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” —Les Dawson
#151
Hilarious Quotes
“Love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon -- a relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms ...or hits you with the pepper spray.”– Howard Wolowitz, The Big Bang Theory
#152
Hilarious Quotes
"True love is singing Karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddy Mercury part."– Mindy Kaling
#153
Hilarious Quotes
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."― Ellen Degeneres.
Legendbird 2 years ago
Reminder that downvotes are almost like a ban. Save them for spam bots and racists.
Load More Replies... #154
Hilarious Quotes
“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” — Charles Barkley
#155
Hilarious Quotes
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, Coming to America
#156
Hilarious Quotes
“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” — Kenneth Cole
#157
Hilarious Quotes
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood
#158
Hilarious Quotes
"When I'm walking down the street I don't think anybody goes, 'Hey look at that man', they're just like 'Woah, that tall child looks terrible'."― John Mulaney
#159
Hilarious Quotes
“Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.”― Russell Brand
#160
Hilarious Quotes
"I married a woman who loves to camp ... and I am what you would call indoorsy."– Jim Gaffigan
#161
Hilarious Quotes
"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"― Demetri Martin.
#162
Hilarious Quotes
"Math was my worst subject because I could never persuade the teacher that my answers were meant ironically"― Calvin Trillin.
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
I love Calvin Trillin. [Note to Self: Put Calvin Trillin on library list!]
#163
Hilarious Quotes
“In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.” ― Hermann Hesse
#164
Hilarious Quotes
"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals."― Demetri Martin.
#165
Hilarious Quotes
"I don't know much about The Bible myself. I haven't read it 'cause I don't have to, 'cause I'm Catholic."― Jim Gaffigan
CHRIS DOMRES 4 years ago
Atheists know more about the bible than most Christians.
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Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
Kathleen Madigan has a very similar routine...I wonder which one came first
Ryan Deschanel 4 years ago
Yeah, there is that guy with flamboyant clothes and golden tableware whose job is to explain the plot to us. It is a pretty big book, you know.
#166
Hilarious Quotes
"Zombies eat brains, you are safe."― John Stewart
#167
Hilarious Quotes
"I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn't even on."― Amy Poehler.
#168
Hilarious Quotes
“You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.” ― Ted Lasso, Ted Lasso
#169
Hilarious Quotes
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Sir Norman Wisdom
#170
Hilarious Quotes
“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” — Kanye West
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What do you think ?
Sarah 4 years ago
One of my favourites: "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure, that is life" -Captain Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek the Next Generation. It reminds me that when something doesn't work out, it's not always because I messed up. Helps keep me from being too hard on myself.
RoseTheMad 4 years ago
"The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people" - Sir Terry Pratchett (and honestly, this certainly seems truer and truer in current times)
Amy Stone-Chandler 4 years ago
My mother: "Can't use logic with people that are illogical." Unknown comic: "best way to a man's heart? A knife through his chest." (joking obviously!)
Jennifer Brekke 4 years ago
I keep a running list of brilliant quotes in a notes app on my phone - some profound, but mostly hilarious. One of my favorites by Ted Lasso... "I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual on how they got so crazy."
Jody Whitmarsh 4 years ago
"You can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.." not sure who coined it but my mom always says it
Sarah 4 years ago
One of my favourites: "It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not failure, that is life" -Captain Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek the Next Generation. It reminds me that when something doesn't work out, it's not always because I messed up. Helps keep me from being too hard on myself.
RoseTheMad 4 years ago
"The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people" - Sir Terry Pratchett (and honestly, this certainly seems truer and truer in current times)
Amy Stone-Chandler 4 years ago
My mother: "Can't use logic with people that are illogical." Unknown comic: "best way to a man's heart? A knife through his chest." (joking obviously!)
Jennifer Brekke 4 years ago
I keep a running list of brilliant quotes in a notes app on my phone - some profound, but mostly hilarious. One of my favorites by Ted Lasso... "I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual on how they got so crazy."
Jody Whitmarsh 4 years ago
"You can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.." not sure who coined it but my mom always says it
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