Just whatever you need to get off your chest, you can vent or whatever, doesn't matter.
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So ever since i can remember (ha) I've had short term memory loss. And just recently it's gotten really bad, because some days I wake up and I don't remember my name or what day it is or where i am and why anything is why it is. But other days I can remember everything that happened that day, and I'm all there and not dissociated at all.
Yesterday was one of those bad days, and I was dissociated. Usually when I wake up it feels heavy. I don't know how to explain it. I'll wake up and think "oh. it's like this again." but I don't know what THIS is, only that it's a Feeling, Or not a feeling. Just... that. And it's like I'm out of my body, and I know I'm not real, and I'm being sucked into a black hole, and I'm a white dwarf being sucked into a black hole and I'll never see colors again, and I know I'm not real.
I've had issues with dissociation before, and nothing helps me get back to where I should be. I had two weeks last year where I knew I wasn't real and nothing existed and I didn't know why.
Yesterday I woke up and I didn't know if it was Tuesday or Wednesday and my calendar was on the wall over my desk and I could have gotten up to check but I didn't know what day it was and when I finally got up to check Tuesday was crossed off but I didn't know if I'd gotten up earlier and crossed it off and went back to sleep or if it was Wednesday or maybe if it was Thursday and I just forgot to check it off before I went to sleep but my phone said it was Wednesday, but what if I was imagining it?
Whatever, that's my vent.
My mental health has been sucky lately, but extremely sucky, and I try to fake a smile and just carry on. Other people think of me as a worthless flea, and to be honest, I am a worthless flea, I don’t belong anywhere, I always manage to create a disaster, I can’t do anything correctly, I always make some people mad, I should just drop dead or commit unalive, because nobody will even care about me after I die, and I don’t have a legacy to leave behind, because I’m not important enough to be alive and nobody is ever really nice to me, because I’m a ninnyhammer, a dolt, a freaking moron, and a major screw up. I really need help with my mental health issues, and my eating disorder that I’m developing.
No. Stop. You are someone. I've gone to crazy measures of horrible thoughts. I've gone as far as holding things to my head. You are braver than me. I never told anyone I needed help. I never thought I was anything or anyone. I faked smiles. I almost always created a disaster wherever I went. If you want to talk to me about it I'm here. But please, I beg of you to find a trusted therapist, or even a family or friend (if possible). Please don't unalive yourself. Keep your head up and look around for help you can get through this. My words may be words on a screen to you, but it could also be something to help you move forward. As someone once told me "once you hit bottom the only way to go is up!". Please, please, please! Block out all the mean words and actions. Focus on you and your health. If you don't take care of your mental health then it affects your physical health. I used to cut my arms. You have a growing eating disorder. Mental health is health!
Literally just said this in another chest but 2x is always better.
I am the second oldest and am the "Good kid" . I do so much, yet I get taken for granted.(Kitchen, living room, dining room, watch siblings, make food, walk dogs, check mail, dishes[siblings chore], front of the house [siblings chore], laundry [ also siblings chore].) Did I mention that I also do my siblings chores cause they don't do it. If it is not done I can not focus.
My siblings who slouch around all day and do nothing whatsoever get so much attention. Even though I am happy they get attention I just wish I got what I wanted. I feel like everytime I do something for them and try to meet the "Enough" title they push it just out of reach. This leaves me in a world of hurt, but still I blame myself. It is a vicious cycle I keep riding. I can't tell them though. I am afraid they will get mad or upset. Maybe they think I am faking it. I think I do fake it. I forget a lot. It helps and it doesn't. It hurts that I don't remember why I hurt. If you were one of my family friends you would probally think I have everything made. I get told I have everything going for me. I just don't believe I do. I have these thoughts I don't want. And things creep into my mind, violent things. I want help but I can't reach cause I'm scared. I don't know why I feel this way. I think I should get help. But what would I even say? "Hey, parents of mine. I just called you to say I feel depressed because I didn't get what I wanted. .. yeah, the thing I wanted was attention." Maybe it is me not looking around and realizing. Even though I do. I pray. I pray for better. I think it does come but I'm to blind or just to lazy to see it.
Everything is a mess atm.
Ok so recently my ex (platonic) boyfriend has broken up with me but tbf we were kinda broken for a little but I thought it was getting better but apparently not. They tried to cheat on me but my friend are the best so they put a stop to that. Um we kinda broke up before that as well because we went poly cause they got a crush on someone else too which I was cool with but then I was completely ignored which tbh sucks and it turned out I was 2nd best and I wasn't dealing with that s**t. And then it turned out they r slightly racist which ik is a red flag but yk I kinda ignored that because ngl I'm extremely stupid. And I'm still friends with them. They're genuinely a good guy too which makes it confusing as hell. Also I have a squish (platonic crush) on someone else at the same time as my ex partner which is fun to deal with... Now I think about it I think I develop squishes on people who develop crushes on me-
....
Lot's of my friends mental health really bad atm. Some suicide attempts and stuff from people... Even the ones who act the most ok which is scary and genuinely luckily I usually know about what's going on cause I'm the person people talk so I get to help.
...
I'm extremely touch starved atm which ain't pleasant.. ik there's more s**t but I can't really think of more atm. Just stressed ig
Ok but for a little positivity someone used a nickname for my new name for the 1st time ever and the gender euphoria kftkdtkxyk Maybe next I can get people to use they/he pronouns more often
Ok I have more to add now from just today so enjoy that. I would not recommend reading this if triggered by sh or suicide
Had to help 1 of my friend's bf break up with her while my friend already felt like c**p and cut herself and was shaking worrying she did something wrong because she was being ignored by him. His mental health was just really really bad and I had to break the news that he needed to break up
1 of my closest friends tried to kill themself. Again. Had to force the information out of them even tho I already knew but had to pretend I didn't
I saw a child, younger than me for sure with cuts on her arm and I felt do bad for her
I realised I've been trying to quit sh for almost a ye now and am still f*****g up occasionally
EVERYONE around me is struggling around me so I have no friends I can talk to atm
Idrk what else to say tbf
Oh yea rn I'm trying to comfort my ex who was rejected by someone even tho I still have feelings for them and I'm exhausted.
