Hey Pandas, Tell Me What Self-Destructive Stuff You Do
By this I mean like being able to silently cry or apologize for everything.
Sometimes I feel like a complete failure and say some pretty bad things about myself in my head. 'You're worthless' 'what an idiot' 'you can't do anything right'
Learnt to identify people based on their footsteps by age 3 (funny to think that I was pretty much deaf until age 12 when I was given a hearing aid)
Started to criticise myself for everything I did.
Tried to kill myself for the first time (with the intention to die) when I was 6, OD’ed on cough syrup that was actually just sucrose and water (med student now, but wasn’t so bright at 6).
Learnt to put on makeup (I’m a boy) to hide my scars (self inflicted) from age 11.
Parents refused for me to go attend a government funded, 100% free therapy series because I’ll get brainwashed at 12.
Hospitalized in the PICU at 13 for an overdose, narrowly avoided liver transplant (my interest in toxicology at this point was enough to kill me).
Grasped the skill of crying silently in my room and walk out laughing and joking after a few seconds at 14.
At 15 I got Medicare, free healthcare for those of you in ‘Murica
At 15 I completed my high school diploma.
16 I went to the community college because I was too young.
Finished my graduate…
Now a medical student in Australia, hoping to go to Uni of Toronto for a fellowship later.
My parents are wonderful parents, don’t get me wrong..
If I ever cried myself to sleep I would turn my pillow over so no one would see the wetness.
I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry my heart out making no more noise than a whisper.
I can identify people walking, breathing and voices from other parts of the house with my for closed. I could also identify the people they were talking to one the phone and ,therefore, identify who the person was. Same with TV shows. This one is mainly because I was on my phone late at night and didn't want to get caught. Also ,apparently , some people can't do this.
For these problems I contacted child support lines and that really helped. A good one is childline if you live in the UK.
I apologize for everything "I am sorry" must be the most common expression I say.
I bottle up all my feelings because I don't want to seem weak to other people. I apologize way too much. I cry at night and I make sure to do it so nobody sees or hears it. I force myself to do things I don't like so that I don't disappoint other people. I push myself too hard in school because people expect a lot from me and I expect even more from myself, so if I do badly on something I feel like I failed everybody. I say I hate myself a lot, but usually play it off as a joke even though it's not. I don't let myself fully trust anyone, even my best friend, because I'm worried that once I open up fully they'll hate me or I'll end up hating them, so I have nobody when I'm sad and need a shoulder to cry on. Worst of all I don't tell anyone that cares about me any of this stuff and have been carrying it all around for years. I know I need help, but I'm scared of people seeing me differently once they realize how screwed up I am.
I apologize for every little thing, even if it was something I can't control.
Burning myself (not just to feel anything, but also because I like it), Pushing people away, Being generally masochistic, Self-loathing, Starting fights, Procrastinating, I take criticism hard and often, I fixate, and I push things down. Just your basic s**t.
There are a lot of these, but, I always apologize for anything, even if the other person is clearly wrong, I still apologize.
I'm a perfectionist. Everything HAS to be perfect. I get really annoyed if something is out of line, like, really. I can't help it, I wish I could stop, but for me, perfect is just something I strive to be. And the thought of me messing up, Is just irritating. And the fact that nothing can't ever be truly perfect, just bothers me. How will I ever be happy with myself? It's not what other people think of me, it's what I think of myself. Why can't i have a perfect face? Why can't I have a perfect wardrobe? Why can't my grades be perfect 100s?? Why do I have to slip up so much???