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My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
What do a pregnant teenager and her baby both think? "My moms gonna kill me."
did you know that a school of 13 piranhas can fully devour a 3 year old child in under 5 minutes? Anyway I got fired from the aquarium today.
1. One time a police officer pulled over a group of old ladies on Highway 65. "The speed limit is 55 why were you going 65?" the police man said to the driver. The driver replied, "Oh I thought that whatever number the highway is that was the speed limit." The police officer looked over and saw the other old ladies looked terrified. "Why do they look so scared?" the policeman asked. The driver said, "Because we just came of of Highway 145. (Ask in comments if you don't get it. 2. My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds" so I stabbed him. Now we wait... 3.They say there is a person capable of murder in every friend group. I suspected it was Dave so I killed him before he could do any harm. 4. My son asked how stars usually die. I said, "An overdose usually." 5. Today was a terrible day...my ex got hit by a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver!
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Why did Suzy fall of the swing? Cause she was dead
(1) Why don't cannibals ( if that's how you spell it ) eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
(2) What has four legs and an arm? An aggressive dog at a playground.
(3) A man died from mysterious causes and his two best friends went to his funeral. The person who ran the funeral said " Would anyone like to say anything? " One of the men replied " I would like to... " He stood up and went to his coffin, which only his dust remained. He then said " I am a vegan. That kind of meat is gross. " He then stepped down. I wonder how he died.
(4) ( I would credit this joke but idk who said it) A man is walking with a small boy in the woods. The boy said " Mister, its getting awfully dark and I am getting scared. " The man looked at him. " How do you think I feel, I have to walk home by myself "
The lego box said 14+ years but my child did it in under 3 minutes
my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick. i accidentaly passed her a glue stick. she still is not talking to me.
NASA stands for