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Hey Pandas, AITA For Protecting My Kids From A Sister Who Never Supported Me?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
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In December 2020, my husband passed away in a tragic car accident
Image credits: panyawat auitpol (not the actual photo)
We had been together for 17 years, and I was completely heartbroken. My sister told me she couldn’t come to the funeral because of COVID, which I tried to understand – until I later found out she had gone to a huge party at her father’s family’s house (we have different dads) and ended up catching COVID there.
That’s when something inside me snapped. The rest of the family said I was being immature for being upset, but the truth is, my sister has never really been there for me. When we were younger, I went into foster care while she lived comfortably with my grandparents on my father’s side. As adults, I’ve always been the one dropping everything to help her.
When her boyfriend broke up with her, I took a day off work to comfort her. When her car broke down, I drove two hours to pick her up. When she went away for the weekend, I drove 45 minutes each way twice a day to take care of her birds – even though I was supposed to be on bed rest with my second daughter due to pregnancy complications. I have two daughters, and she has no children, but that never stopped her from expecting me to prioritize her needs over mine.
I’m 42 now, and she’s 47, and I’ve just reached my breaking point. When my younger daughter almost died at age two from serious complications, my sister acted like we didn’t even exist. I should’ve seen the signs earlier – like when she showed up to my wedding wearing a white dress – but I let it slide for the sake of keeping peace.
My husband’s passing, though, was the final straw.
While my daughters and I were grieving, she chose to be with her father’s family instead of supporting us
Image credits: Claudia Wolff (not the actual photo)
I’ve been there for her since day one, while those people ignored her existence until she turned 40. Now, I’m just done being the one who always shows up when she never has.
So, dear Pandas, after reading all this – AITA for being upset with my sister?
Expert’s Advice
This is a deeply painful situation, and it’s understandable that you’re struggling. You’ve consistently gone above and beyond for your sister, yet her actions show a lack of consideration for you and your family.
A few key things to consider:
- Your feelings are valid. You’ve experienced loss, stress, and ongoing disappointment. It’s normal to feel hurt and frustrated by her choices.
- Boundaries matter. You can decide how much time, energy, and support you give. Saying no doesn’t make you selfish—it protects your emotional well-being.
- Focus on your immediate family. Your children and your own healing come first. It’s okay to prioritize your household over a sibling who repeatedly disregards you.
- Expect respect, not perfection. Healthy relationships require mutual care and consideration. You have the right to step back when respect is lacking.
- Seek support if needed. Talking with a counselor or support group can help process grief, anger, and long-standing family dynamics.
Ultimately, you’re not wrong for protecting yourself and your children from repeated emotional harm. Prioritizing your well-being is a sign of strength, not failure.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
tw 72 1 month ago
"my sister has never really been there for me" - then why do you keep expecting it? You are upset that you can't change HER behavior. You are the one who needs the reality check.
Ace 1 month ago
Harsh, I mean yeah, she should have learned by now that half-sis isn't there for her, but harsh nonetheless.
Load More Replies...
Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
I spent 40 years wondering why my sister hated me. Then I quit. Half a lifetime's enough.
Space Invader 1 month ago
True, honest feelings are never "immature" - quite the opposite. It is those that demand we deny our true selves for the sake of appearances who have yet to reach maturity.
Marnie 1 month ago
NTA. I would hope some day the anger could leave you, but for your sake, not hers. (And by that, I don't mean that you forgive her and go back to normal. I just mean letting the bad feelings go.) I think I personally would be mad the rest of my life about this. (I'm still mad 20 years later that my sisters didn't give me a wedding shower, and that's nothing compare to your sister missing your funeral and not being there when your daughter was so sick.) Others are saying you can't expect anything from her. But you SHOULD be able to expect support from your family in terrible times. You weren't expecting too much - It's just that with her history, you just can't any more. I'm sorry about your husband and I wish you well.
ThisIsMe 1 month ago
Been there. I was really close with someone - like a sister - and was always there for her. Finally, one of her selfish "only cared about herself" outbursts got through. I realized how many times I'd been there for her, and I couldn't think of a single time she was there for me that wasn't of benefit to her. I didn't confront her, just chalked it up as a lesson learned and stopped returning calls or going out of my way to see her. When we did see each other in our friend circle, I wasn't available to make plans with her. She eventually faded away, and life was actually better.
Emilu 1 month ago
You are absolutely NTA, OP, and whilst I agree with the other posts saying you shouldn't expect anything from your sister, I understand why you might want have wanted to anyway. To preserve the relationship that you thought you had, or you're simply a kind person that helps others when they need it, and you saw that your sister needed it. Either way though, staying mad at her does not make you a bad person and, personally, I'd be considering whether maintaining contact with her is worth your time. I'm side-eyeing the rest of your family as well, for calling you 'immature' for wanting your sister to attend your husband's funeral. If my aunt had done to my mother when my father died what your sister did to you, I'd have slapped her. (She would have never, though, because she cares about my mother, seemingly unlike your sister to you. I'm sorry.) Many hugs, and look after yourself.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 month ago
What? Why did she go to live with your paternal grandparents when you two have different fathers?
Papa 1 month ago
OP said she and her sister have different fathers, so I assume that the sister lived with her paternal grandparents (who are not related to OP).
Load More Replies...
TCW Sam Vimes 1 month ago
I stopped reading after the first few lines. A sister not coming to the funeral of your DH is inexcusable, period. Cut off, move on. Family is what and who you choose, not genetics.
Gordon 1 month ago
I had an argument with my Sister during a family crisis. My Sister had owed me money and my power was about to get turned off. I asked her for part of it - ANY OF IT, and she said no. We got in a huge argument and I said to her, "I hate you and I wish you were d*ad!" I didn't speak to her for months and then I got the call that she died. I KNOW what the last thing I said to her was and that was over 25 years ago and I still carry that guilt.
Tams21 1 month ago (edited)
It sounds like the sister had been pretty clear about her feelings and priorities for quite a while through her behaviour. Whether it's right or wrong is almost irrelevant and it's okay for the op to be upset but it also sounds like she's been setting expectations that were never realistically going to be met and then being surprised.
Binky Melnik 1 month ago
I don’t understand why you expect anything at ALL from your sister, given she’s done nothing for you your whole life. I’m surprised you still bother talking to her, never mind expecting her to suddenly see the error of her ways and become a good sister. I’d write her off altogether at this point, though it could be argued there were a whooole lotta other points at which it’d woulda been appropriate. And I’m so very sorry for your loss. Hugs, and take care of yourself, and surround yourself with good, supportive people. (Your sister is not one of those.)
Jonas Fisher 1 month ago
This is a very weird post. The background sounds bad, but the "final straw" isn't even a thing. The sister went to a party with her family. Is that her sin? She got COVID at the party? Is that a sin? She then declined going to the funeral because she had COVID. What in the world did the sister do wrong here? Which part of this particular situation makes it so bad? Frankly, if this is the relationship-ending mistake, it makes me doubt everything else OP writes.
Anthony Elmore 1 month ago (edited)
Huh... I'm uh... I'm pretty sure the expert in this article is an AI. First paragraph is a recap of what the user said, followed by a bulleted list, followed by a short conclusion (capped off with an "Ultimately, " even). But yeah, definitely NTA. You have your expectations, and it seems like she's been failing to meet them for... well pretty much always. I don't fault her with not attending the funeral necessarily, but you don't skip out and then go to a party. It'd be a bit hypocritical of me to judge too harshly for not going to the funeral. I do not frequently attend funerals. I just don't really know how to handle it. Probably because I don't go to funerals, but I at least could understand it as a reason to avoid them, healthy mechanism or not. This really doesn't seem like that though because I wouldn't turn down an invite and then attend a party...
Mike F 1 month ago
You feel what you feel. People, regardless of their position in your circle, have a right to their opinions, but you have the right to not be subjected to it. If anyone tries to get on your case, invite them to walk a mile in your moccasins, truly experience what you went through to give them the full picture, up to and including the bird care and related drive time. Then they have a leg to stand on when removing their heads from their @sses to put out an opinion they have no business expressing. That's the long of it. The short of it is "until you have gone through what I have, you have no business spouting off about it".
Sarah Ellison 1 month ago
You're NTA for being upset with your sister, but I'm surprised it's taken you this long to get upset about the amount of energy your sister is giving back for the seemingly endless amount of support you've given her. Going out to help her immediately after a complicate birth is insane, and demonstrates a habit of putting her needs before your own. Stop doing that. Help if you want to and are able, but for goodness sake if you have other things going on that are more important, don't bend over for her.
tw 72 1 month ago
"my sister has never really been there for me" - then why do you keep expecting it? You are upset that you can't change HER behavior. You are the one who needs the reality check.
Ace 1 month ago
Harsh, I mean yeah, she should have learned by now that half-sis isn't there for her, but harsh nonetheless.
Load More Replies... Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
I spent 40 years wondering why my sister hated me. Then I quit. Half a lifetime's enough.
Space Invader 1 month ago
True, honest feelings are never "immature" - quite the opposite. It is those that demand we deny our true selves for the sake of appearances who have yet to reach maturity.
Marnie 1 month ago
NTA. I would hope some day the anger could leave you, but for your sake, not hers. (And by that, I don't mean that you forgive her and go back to normal. I just mean letting the bad feelings go.) I think I personally would be mad the rest of my life about this. (I'm still mad 20 years later that my sisters didn't give me a wedding shower, and that's nothing compare to your sister missing your funeral and not being there when your daughter was so sick.) Others are saying you can't expect anything from her. But you SHOULD be able to expect support from your family in terrible times. You weren't expecting too much - It's just that with her history, you just can't any more. I'm sorry about your husband and I wish you well.
ThisIsMe 1 month ago
Been there. I was really close with someone - like a sister - and was always there for her. Finally, one of her selfish "only cared about herself" outbursts got through. I realized how many times I'd been there for her, and I couldn't think of a single time she was there for me that wasn't of benefit to her. I didn't confront her, just chalked it up as a lesson learned and stopped returning calls or going out of my way to see her. When we did see each other in our friend circle, I wasn't available to make plans with her. She eventually faded away, and life was actually better.
Emilu 1 month ago
You are absolutely NTA, OP, and whilst I agree with the other posts saying you shouldn't expect anything from your sister, I understand why you might want have wanted to anyway. To preserve the relationship that you thought you had, or you're simply a kind person that helps others when they need it, and you saw that your sister needed it. Either way though, staying mad at her does not make you a bad person and, personally, I'd be considering whether maintaining contact with her is worth your time. I'm side-eyeing the rest of your family as well, for calling you 'immature' for wanting your sister to attend your husband's funeral. If my aunt had done to my mother when my father died what your sister did to you, I'd have slapped her. (She would have never, though, because she cares about my mother, seemingly unlike your sister to you. I'm sorry.) Many hugs, and look after yourself.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 month ago
What? Why did she go to live with your paternal grandparents when you two have different fathers?
Papa 1 month ago
OP said she and her sister have different fathers, so I assume that the sister lived with her paternal grandparents (who are not related to OP).
Load More Replies... TCW Sam Vimes 1 month ago
I stopped reading after the first few lines. A sister not coming to the funeral of your DH is inexcusable, period. Cut off, move on. Family is what and who you choose, not genetics.
Gordon 1 month ago
I had an argument with my Sister during a family crisis. My Sister had owed me money and my power was about to get turned off. I asked her for part of it - ANY OF IT, and she said no. We got in a huge argument and I said to her, "I hate you and I wish you were d*ad!" I didn't speak to her for months and then I got the call that she died. I KNOW what the last thing I said to her was and that was over 25 years ago and I still carry that guilt.
Tams21 1 month ago (edited)
It sounds like the sister had been pretty clear about her feelings and priorities for quite a while through her behaviour. Whether it's right or wrong is almost irrelevant and it's okay for the op to be upset but it also sounds like she's been setting expectations that were never realistically going to be met and then being surprised.
Binky Melnik 1 month ago
I don’t understand why you expect anything at ALL from your sister, given she’s done nothing for you your whole life. I’m surprised you still bother talking to her, never mind expecting her to suddenly see the error of her ways and become a good sister. I’d write her off altogether at this point, though it could be argued there were a whooole lotta other points at which it’d woulda been appropriate. And I’m so very sorry for your loss. Hugs, and take care of yourself, and surround yourself with good, supportive people. (Your sister is not one of those.)
Jonas Fisher 1 month ago
This is a very weird post. The background sounds bad, but the "final straw" isn't even a thing. The sister went to a party with her family. Is that her sin? She got COVID at the party? Is that a sin? She then declined going to the funeral because she had COVID. What in the world did the sister do wrong here? Which part of this particular situation makes it so bad? Frankly, if this is the relationship-ending mistake, it makes me doubt everything else OP writes.
Anthony Elmore 1 month ago (edited)
Huh... I'm uh... I'm pretty sure the expert in this article is an AI. First paragraph is a recap of what the user said, followed by a bulleted list, followed by a short conclusion (capped off with an "Ultimately, " even). But yeah, definitely NTA. You have your expectations, and it seems like she's been failing to meet them for... well pretty much always. I don't fault her with not attending the funeral necessarily, but you don't skip out and then go to a party. It'd be a bit hypocritical of me to judge too harshly for not going to the funeral. I do not frequently attend funerals. I just don't really know how to handle it. Probably because I don't go to funerals, but I at least could understand it as a reason to avoid them, healthy mechanism or not. This really doesn't seem like that though because I wouldn't turn down an invite and then attend a party...
Mike F 1 month ago
You feel what you feel. People, regardless of their position in your circle, have a right to their opinions, but you have the right to not be subjected to it. If anyone tries to get on your case, invite them to walk a mile in your moccasins, truly experience what you went through to give them the full picture, up to and including the bird care and related drive time. Then they have a leg to stand on when removing their heads from their @sses to put out an opinion they have no business expressing. That's the long of it. The short of it is "until you have gone through what I have, you have no business spouting off about it".
Sarah Ellison 1 month ago
You're NTA for being upset with your sister, but I'm surprised it's taken you this long to get upset about the amount of energy your sister is giving back for the seemingly endless amount of support you've given her. Going out to help her immediately after a complicate birth is insane, and demonstrates a habit of putting her needs before your own. Stop doing that. Help if you want to and are able, but for goodness sake if you have other things going on that are more important, don't bend over for her.
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