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For context: I (38F) have been married to my husband (50M) for 8 years. I have three kids from a previous relationship all under 18. He has a daughter (24F) from a previous marriage. I helped him buy a house in a nice neighborhood two years ago but since I don’t have enough credit history my name is not on the title.

Now his daughter got married a year ago and had just given birth. We are planning on moving back to my home country and when he told his daughter about it, she said she wants the house I helped him purchase. He said yes without even asking me. I get it, I don’t have any right to the house bc it’s not in my name but my point is, he should’ve asked me first before he made a decision.

We had a major argument about it. Then he tried to turn it around and said “don’t you want to give our grandbaby this house for her to grow up in?” I said he totally missed the point. I would’ve said sure had he asked but nope. He went ahead and promised his daughter he will give her the house. I felt like he didn’t respect me as his wife when he made that decision. It’s been months and I’m still bothered by it. AITA for feeling this way?

#1

NTA. Even if the house is in his name you still helped him buy half of it, he shouldn't be making these decisions alone.

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helenet99 avatar
Hélène Tremblay
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Since you provided funds for this house, you should be able to demand that that money be paid back to you. Get a lawyer & have them put this in writing that should something happen to you part of the house goes to your children. Your husband & his daughter do not get to profit from you financial contribution. The mortgage broker would be able to trace that money back to you anyways since they have to prove that it did not come profits of crime etc.

#2

NTA - this is something a couple should discuss beforehand. And get a lawyer, if you...

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kaa1710 avatar
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...contributed financially to the house purchase AND can prove it (money transfers from your bank account).

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#3

You are NTA! That's a decision that needs to be discussed together. I have poor credit, so some things are in my spouses name, but that does not mean he has free reign, at least ethically. WE ARE A TEAM! Your husband should have discussed with you. What he did was wrong.

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iLoveFishing
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He doesn’t seem to think it’s wrong smh. I’m at a loss what to say to him to make him look at things from a different perspective.

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#4

Definitely NTA. You have to discuss those things together! It is not his pair of jeans he decided to give away.

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iLoveFishing
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That’s what I said. I even asked him if he treats me as his wife, his equal. He said yes. I then said well it doesn’t feel that way.

#5

NTA. This sounds strange and unfair to me. What about the other 3 kids? If you bought the house when you were married and you helped him pay for it, then it still belongs to both of you. I believe it was wrong of him not to include you in the decision.

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iLoveFishing
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My three kids are not biologically his and he didn’t adopt them. He admitted that without my help, he wouldn’t be able to afford the house. We initially planned on selling this house so we have more padding in our bank account but then he pulled this stunt 🙄 smh

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#6

NTA. If she was your daughter and the house was in your name, would you have said she could have it without discussing it with your husband?

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iLoveFishing
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Exactly my point but he doesn’t seem to get it. Heck, he gets mad when I go to the grocery store and buy stuff that’s not on the list smh.

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#7

I'm not sure where you are but your credit should have nothing to do with your name being on the title. The title doesn't move until arrangements for payment are made. Once that happens you can add any name if you choose. They need to be present to sign the certificate and have their signatures notarized.

Who told you your name couldn't be on it? On top of him choosing to give it to his daughter without discussing it with you, he's the A. Consider asking for your portion back, so you can nest egg it for your kids, see what he says.

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anarkzie
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think that bad credit can affect how much your mortgage is and if the bank will be willing to lend to you or not. So some people will only have one persons name on it to get a better deal.

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#8

It is incredible to me that his view of your commitment to eachother took such a downturn at such an important issue. I would be very concerned. Please protect yourself

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iLoveFishing
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank you. I am. I’m actually about to open a secret bank account, one that I can put a little bit of money here and there. Small enough that it won’t be noticed.

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#9

You are definitely NTA! Maybe it's the age difference or culture specifics, but it sounds like he's being "in charge" of the situation because maybe he feels it's his right as the husband...? In my opinion, he's being dismissive of your importance as a partner and as a person, or maybe he was just afraid you would say no. Personally, this is offensive, archaically patriarchal and a massive red flag.
Very important-The grandaughter comment is a straw man argument. I'm glad you didn't fall for that c**p! (https://www.developgoodhabits.com/straw-man/)
I've no idea how overseas home sales are recorded and therefore are or aren't applicable as "appropriate" funds for property purchase in the US (and depending on the state), but I would have thought that your bank should have been able to help with the fund transfer and legitimizing its source.
Going forward though, you and your hubby need a serious (perhaps mediated) discussion about mutual respect, perceived vs actual roles in the partnership, and agreed-upon rules on how money and objects of value (like your home) are to be handled. It may help to sign an informal contract since it seems like although he says one thing, he has done another in this case.
I would also recommend you immediately hire a lawyer (who works for you, not him) familiar with selling property to family members (knowing all cultures involved would be a huge bonus) should be at the top of your list for not only mediation but the title transfer.

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Carol Emory
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would also put in that agreement that, if a divorce occurs between you and your spouse, that he will reimburse you the cost of the money you put into the house. Especially if the house is put into the daughters name.

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#10

NTA. Big decisions are something that should be done together. Specially if you put money to get the house. Like one of our cars is in my name solely but i would mever dare to sell it without consulting with my SO.

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iLoveFishing
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YES!! He would get mad if I “stray” from the grocery list so I wonder what made him think I’d be ok with him promising his daughter the house. Ugh. I’m so frustrated. I didn’t want to ask strangers for advice but sometimes those people you don’t know can see things from a totally different perspective without being biased. Thank you.

#11

NTA, but I get where your husband is coming from. he was probably caught up in the moment and was only thinking about the wellbeing of his daughter at the time.

Yes he should have discussed it with you but don't do anything radical.

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iLoveFishing
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe. But still, he should’ve just told her he will “discuss it with the wife” instead of making a decision right there and then.

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#12

why are you even still with someone who obviously doesn't respect you?
and then to top it off he makes it out like YOU'RE the bad guy?

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#13

Helped in what way, this is vague? In any case you're married you have aright to be consulted. I think the two of you should have a proper talk about this as it will be one of those things that eats away at your relationship. Maybe counseling if you're unsure where you stand, it could be a one off session and does not need to be a huge commitment, but you should not move forward with this hanging over you.

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#14

NTA- You guys are a married couple. These are the things you talk about and decide together. Not to mention you helped him buy it.

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#15

I seriously hope you have a separate income of your own and are not just relying on your husband. The combination of him giving away the house that you helped pay for and, according to you, getting angry if you dare to even change a grocery list makes me worry for you.

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iLoveFishing
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I do make my own money but I admit he makes twice more than me. I still contribute to all our household expenses so he can’t really say he pays for everything.

#16

NTA. You guys are married, so you should also have some responsibility in the decision.

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#17

NTA. He disrespected you and you did NOT deserve that at all whatsoever. You deserve so much more than that as-k me no more questions (if ya know what i mean(trying to keep it PG here) )

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#18

NTA. Even if your name is not on the title, you were married when the home was purchased, and you invested on the house with him. But even if you hadn't contributed to helping him purchase the house, you are (and were at the time), his wife. This is definitely a decision that should have been made by the two of you as a couple, not him as an individual.
To be honest, I would be feeling exactly the same way. If I would have been asked and brought into the conversation, I would have been absolutely fine with letting her purchase the house. That isn't the issue. But if he didn't think that this was something that should be discussed with you his wife, it makes me wonder what other decisions he'd make without consulting you. This isn't like him choosing which restaurant to go to for dinner...

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#19

NTA. You guys are married, so you should also have some responsibility in the decision.

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#20

NTA. He disrespected you and you did NOT deserve that at all whatsoever. You deserve so much more than that as-k me no more questions (if ya know what i mean(trying to keep it PG here) )

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#21

no he did a goof

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