Hey Pandas, AITA For Expressing Disappointment In My Husband’s Actions On Mother’s Day?
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I am (F35) married to my DH (dear husband, M39), with two children (F11 and M8). As many of you know, it was Mother’s Day in the UK this weekend.
I have mentioned a few times how I would like to have breakfast in bed or even just a cup of tea in bed in the morning
Image credits: Maddi Bazzocco (not the actual photo)
I do not think I ask for much, this and a nice hot bubble bath would be ideal.
So I wake up, everyone asleep but then DH states he will get up and make me a cup of tea, I get dressed and go downstairs, I realise the house is a mess so I spend the next two hours cleaning this to realise DH has gone back to sleep so I make my own cup of tea and sit and watch some of my reality TV show. And hours later everyone is still asleep, so I wake them up as it is now 11am.
DH moans I am waking him up on his day off from work
Image credits: Tânia Mousinho (not the actual photo)
I make them breakfast and then my DD comes and gives me a box. I had paid for a mystery Mother’s Day box which my DD (dear daughter) hid so I would have something to open on Mother’s Day.
Now I know I shouldn’t moan as I know I am very lucky to have children on a day like this. However, I feel like I should be less harsh on my DH. When he woke up he took my DD out – granted they didn’t come home until 8pm, he had took his mother shopping, bought her lunch, flowers and dinner, he had brought her a new Pandora bracelet and some new clothes she wanted. I understand this is his mother, but I didn’t see my DD all day, me and my DS (dear son) played some games and took the dog for a walk.
The day before we had discussed my husband going to the shop to purchase some scones and cakes so we could do a homemade afternoon tea as he “forgot” to book one, however when he did return home, he returned back with pizza, with the kids’ toppings on, nothing I liked. I smiled and ate some thanking him for buying it so I didn’t have to cook. He was telling me how much his mother enjoyed her Mother’s Day and then put on some rubbish TV thing he wanted. I laid down and ended up falling asleep.
This was short-lived as DH woke me up when kids finished eating so I could help him clear up – which ended with me doing the clearing
Image credits: Josue Michel (not the actual photo)
I turned to him in tears and said when its Father’s Day I always go above and beyond for him to ensure he has a lovely day and he basically has a day where everything is about him, and how I think he was selfish for not making me a cup of tea or spending the day with me, I then said how I obviously don’t mean much to him compared to his mother and then I went to bed and we have not spoken since – Was ITA?
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Absolutely NTA as you only asked for a cup of tea and a present which is entirely reasonable. Your husband is TAH as first he said he would do something nice for you and slept in, then he had the audacity to COMPLAIN about you waking him up at a reasonable time. Then the only present you received was a gift you helped your daughter get while your husband decided to take his mother on a day trip and spoil her and got her PANDORA which was bad enough but then he didn’t get anything for you and didn’t think of getting your daughter something for you. To top it off he forgot even a basic cake and flowers for you. I am an insensitive 15 year old and I would be nicer than this. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.
So nice to read. Word of advice, don't change your kindness, the world will be full of people who will throw out a "so what", "what's the big deal", "oh well", "who cares, it's not that important" and a thousand other versions of reasoning not to be considerate. The world will be inconsiderate of you and make you want to not care so much about others. But here you are with basic decency, hold like it's the mother load of gold in a Dragons den. I've seen so much and I'm always accused of being too generous, too sensitive, a push over. That's rubbish, I don't let others decide who I am, that is all.
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Maybe you should expect more of him every other day of the year as well. I mean, what use is a cup of tea and a bubble bath once a year if you are being the sole caretaker the other 364 days.
Great point!!!!! The dynamic was already broken when he complained about being woken up so she could start his day by making breakfast for him.
Load More Replies... I don't think you are the AH and you are not expecting too much but I think there are a few issues at play. I agree with Trillian, when you are supported in your role and space is made for your preferences and self-care ANY time you need it, then mother’s day becomes not such a big deal. You sound very much like you are feeling unappreciated generally – not just because its mother’s day. It’s ok to expect more from your partner every day. Not just once a year.
I also wonder how clearly you are communicating your expectations? You can 'mention a few times' but that is not the same as explicitly stating what you want. Instead of staying in bed and telling your husband you are waiting for your tea, you go downstairs and start cleaning. Perhaps your DH thought you no longer wanted tea in bed? If you did, you should have stayed there and told him you were waiting for it. This kind of thing continues all day with you having certain expectations that don't seem to be clearly communicated, your husband rather ignorantly and selfishly going about his day and you ultimately being upset because your needs are not being met. Passive aggressive communication is not effective. I might be off the mark here (I know BP heavily edits these posts and sometimes they come across wrong, so if I have missed the mark, I apologise) but what I do know is that if I want a certain experience I have to explicitly say to my husband “I am expecting tea in bed".
Load More Replies...
Absolutely NTA as you only asked for a cup of tea and a present which is entirely reasonable. Your husband is TAH as first he said he would do something nice for you and slept in, then he had the audacity to COMPLAIN about you waking him up at a reasonable time. Then the only present you received was a gift you helped your daughter get while your husband decided to take his mother on a day trip and spoil her and got her PANDORA which was bad enough but then he didn’t get anything for you and didn’t think of getting your daughter something for you. To top it off he forgot even a basic cake and flowers for you. I am an insensitive 15 year old and I would be nicer than this. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.
So nice to read. Word of advice, don't change your kindness, the world will be full of people who will throw out a "so what", "what's the big deal", "oh well", "who cares, it's not that important" and a thousand other versions of reasoning not to be considerate. The world will be inconsiderate of you and make you want to not care so much about others. But here you are with basic decency, hold like it's the mother load of gold in a Dragons den. I've seen so much and I'm always accused of being too generous, too sensitive, a push over. That's rubbish, I don't let others decide who I am, that is all.
Load More Replies... Maybe you should expect more of him every other day of the year as well. I mean, what use is a cup of tea and a bubble bath once a year if you are being the sole caretaker the other 364 days.
Great point!!!!! The dynamic was already broken when he complained about being woken up so she could start his day by making breakfast for him.
Load More Replies... I don't think you are the AH and you are not expecting too much but I think there are a few issues at play. I agree with Trillian, when you are supported in your role and space is made for your preferences and self-care ANY time you need it, then mother’s day becomes not such a big deal. You sound very much like you are feeling unappreciated generally – not just because its mother’s day. It’s ok to expect more from your partner every day. Not just once a year.
I also wonder how clearly you are communicating your expectations? You can 'mention a few times' but that is not the same as explicitly stating what you want. Instead of staying in bed and telling your husband you are waiting for your tea, you go downstairs and start cleaning. Perhaps your DH thought you no longer wanted tea in bed? If you did, you should have stayed there and told him you were waiting for it. This kind of thing continues all day with you having certain expectations that don't seem to be clearly communicated, your husband rather ignorantly and selfishly going about his day and you ultimately being upset because your needs are not being met. Passive aggressive communication is not effective. I might be off the mark here (I know BP heavily edits these posts and sometimes they come across wrong, so if I have missed the mark, I apologise) but what I do know is that if I want a certain experience I have to explicitly say to my husband “I am expecting tea in bed".
Load More Replies...
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