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![“[Am I The Jerk] For Wanting My Girlfriend To Wear Appropriate Shoes To An Event?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/girlfriend-wears-men-shoes-event-fb60-png__700.jpg)
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“[Am I The Jerk] For Wanting My Girlfriend To Wear Appropriate Shoes To An Event?”
If you ever came to school with only a bikini, you would be sent home to change or even punished for violating the dress code; however, it is completely normal to show up like that at the beach. Even though that is an extreme example, it illustrates that certain places and events have their own appropriate attire and violating the dress code would make you look like you’re out of place.
This man on Reddit was very concerned about the shoes his girlfriend was planning to wear to his work event and went online to find out if he was asking too much because he didn’t want to damage his image, which could jeopardize his career.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Man invited his girlfriend to a formal work event but was irritated with her when she refused to wear women’s shoes, fearing for his image
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Wanting My Girlfriend To Wear Appropriate Shoes To An Event?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/1-75.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Wanting My Girlfriend To Wear Appropriate Shoes To An Event?”")
Image credits: HannaElise (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) starts his story by introducing his girlfriend. Apparently, she doesn’t like to buy things that are unnecessary and impractical, she only buys something new when the thing she has is no longer usable and she doesn’t put on makeup or jewelry.
It isn’t because of political reasons and she isn’t consciously being a minimalist, she just genuinely doesn’t care about having a lot of things and them being there just for the beauty of it. It isn’t about the money, either, because when she does buy things, they are expensive and of good quality.
The problem the boyfriend has is that she sometimes dresses weirdly. In his eyes, the clothes she pairs up doesn’t match and it is hard to buy her things as she won’t care about them. Her view on things makes the OP think that she is autistic, even though she hasn’t been diagnosed.
For the most part, the OP can bear it, but in the comments he expressed his frustration: “I do appreciate her! It’s just sometimes it feels like she doesn’t even try to be a girl – what do you buy for a girl’s birthday if she doesn’t see jewellery as anything more than expensive rocks?”
The OP described his girlfriend as non-materialistic and practical as she doesn’t see sense in having things just for the sake of it
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Image credits: u/Throwaway1451451455
The man doesn’t mind his girlfriend’s appearance for the most part, but recently, he invited her to a formal work event and it made him worry how he will look in front of his boss and colleagues when his girlfriend shows up in a fancy dress and a pair of formal men’s shoes, as she doesn’t have anything else to wear other than her everyday sneakers.
In the comments, the OP explained that his job depends on it and he needs to make a good impression. Coming alone would make him look bad as well, so he asked his girlfriend to buy some high heels, which she refused to wear as they are uncomfortable.
She’s not doing it because she follows an ideology or because she doesn’t have money, but things only have practical value to her
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Image credits: u/Throwaway1451451455
Bored Panda reached out to Relationship Expert and Founder of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy Emma K. Viglucci to help us analyze this situation. We were interested to know if the OP’s girlfriend should be concerned about her boyfriend’s requirements. Emma K. Viglucci gives a different perspective, “No one can be forced to do anything really–she could exercise other choices like not going, wearing what she wants anyway, or wearing something that honors her and respects her boyfriend’s opinion. She can deliver all these options from compassion and understanding from where he is coming from and still honor her truth/desires. This is not a concern about him ‘forcing her’ it’s a concern about will she allow herself to be forced.”
The woman did just that as shoes that are uncomfortable that make your feet hurt like they’re falling off and make you feel unstable didn’t appeal to the woman, so she said she would rather not go. The issue of heels is actually deeper than just comfort and the girlfriend explained to the OP that she doesn’t like the expectation and wants to change that.
That means that her outfits are not the embodiment of the latest fashion trends
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Image credits: u/Throwaway1451451455
It seems that the OP understood where she was coming from and wouldn’t say anything in any other circumstance, but at his work, everyone is shallow and men’s shoes would make people there make assumptions about him that he wouldn’t want.
Unfortunately, Emma K. Viglucci observes that it is very common for people to get embarrassed about their partners when it should be that way. She explains the reasons behind such feelings nd what consequences they can have, “When partners are ashamed of their partner it is because they are judging or assigning some meaning or negative definition to the other. Partners love to control the other, be in their circle, but this disempowers both.”
In the Relationship Expert’s opinion, “Partners need to learn to mind their own circle and not their partner’s. When we are in our own circle we are not likely to judge or be disturbed by what our partner is wearing. We are when we go in their circle and try to tell them how they should be. When we are in another’s circle we have no control or power hence all the negative feelings. But we do have power and control in our own circle–we can address things we don’t like by expressing how we are impacted and how it makes us feels, not by telling the other what to do. Very different approach and a lot more respectful and empowering for both. ”
That doesn’t particularly bother the OP most of the time, but he wasn’t happy about her wearing men’s shoes with a formal dress to his work event
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Wanting My Girlfriend To Wear Appropriate Shoes To An Event?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/3-47.jpg "“[Am I The Jerk] For Wanting My Girlfriend To Wear Appropriate Shoes To An Event?”")
Image credits: Chloe Muro (not the actual image)
In the end, the woman agreed to buy women’s shoes that would fit the occasion with a lower heel that would be easy to kick off under the table. However, people in the comments noticed more red flags about the boyfriend.
They didn’t like how he couldn’t come up with any other gift apart from things because any other woman likes jewelry. They also were doubtful that his girlfriend’s shoes would really make him look so bad that his career would be on the line. People were also weirded out about the comment that his girlfriend might be autistic because she doesn’t see value in materialistic things. Emma K. Viglucci admitted that “there are a lot of symptoms and signs of autism and this could be one of them,” but this one alone doesn’t mean anything as “there are plenty of people who care about a lot of things that have no practical value.”
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Image credits: u/Throwaway1451451455
On the other hand, there were people who imagined that a cocktail dress wouldn’t match with formal men’s shoes the best and suggested that maybe the girlfriend could wear a suit instead because even the ones who were defending the OP understood the girlfriend’s wish for her feet to be comfortable.
While some people were judgemental of the OP for wanting his girlfriend to look a certain way and not accepting who she is, others argued that his work event has certain rules, so a supportive partner would put in extra effort to make them look professional.
He was worried about his image at work and actually feared it damaging his career
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Dress codes have existed for a long time already and date back a millennia ago, when nobility and royalty used clothing to differentiate themselves from other people. Now it is implemented to give a guide to people on how to dress so that there is a common understanding. For example, it is expected from people in Western cultures to wear black clothing at a funeral and not to wear white at a wedding if you are not the bride.
However, it faces a lot of criticism, especially in school and work environments. In schools, the blame is most often put on girls as their clothes are often described as distracting for the boys, and it makes them feel ashamed of their bodies. People also think that at work, dress codes are ineffective and uncomfortable. Employees feel like the companies put more attention on the person’s appearance than the results of their work.
Although the woman didn’t want to wear uncomfortable shoes, the couple reached a compromise of her wearing low heels
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Image credits: Nicholas Ng (not the actual image)
It is hard to get rid of traditions even if they are flawed because that’s what people did for centuries and those are thoughts they were brought up with. But do you think the OP took it too far? Or do you think his fear of being judged as the employee with the odd girlfriend is valid? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
But a lot of people didn’t think it was right to force her to wear what she didn’t want to; others agreed that men’s formal shoes would look out of place with a dress
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What do you think ?
Amy Watkins 3 years ago
The whole focus/argument was on changing her choice of shoes. Why not change the outfit? Instead of an "evening gown" -- why not wear a tux or a silk pantsuit or something along those lines?
Squirrelly Panda 3 years ago
The last formal event I went to I got a fancy swishy pants outfit so I could wear comfy shoes that "went with" the outfit. Was it different than what most people wore, yes. Was it formal, appropriate, comfortable, and looked good on me? Heck ya! The focus should be on the whole outfit to be comfortable and appropriate.
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Susie Elle 3 years ago
Everyone is so hell-bent on making the guy look like he only cares about looks, but watch your partner walk in on battered shoes or in a shirt with holes in them for weeks on end and see how you feel about it. It's perfectly fine to not be materialistic, but it's also fine if your partner likes to see you put in a little effort. Making an effort doesn't automatically mean you're going back to the 50's, you can also buy nice women's shoes that are more comfortable than heels. It's 2022, the options are limitless. I'm glad for OP that they talked about it and came to a solution together.
Helena R 3 years ago
Thank you ! It's not always about looks or comfort but making an effort
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Lizzy Crit 3 years ago
1940s style mary janes might be an option that walks the line between fancy and practical, but I agree. Women's shoes suck. I own 3 pair that I actually wear, sneakers for work and hiking boots or sandals at home. Or barefoot.
Bunzilla 3 years ago
I own a pair of orthopedic mary janes; they're super comfy, and they look nice. Very practical and they go with just about everything. They were very expensive, but they have lasted me more than 10 years.
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Boston - he/him 3 years ago
as a person who *is* actually autistic, that comment is just plain offensive. he's going on about her fashion style and stubbornness about shoes, and due to that he calls her autistic?! no. just no. yes, us autistic people can be a little alternative when it comes to how we present ourselves, and no, not all people that do have autism are diagnosed, but blaming her personal sense of style on a mental disorder (as well as using the term "autistic" as a somewhat derogatory term) is unacceptable. period.
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JanaK 3 years ago
I adore my reebok but that doesn't mean that if i have to go at a wedding, i would go with them.
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LH25 3 years ago
This isn't even really about shoes. The whole post seems like he doesn't understand his GF for so many things.
Alina Mihai 3 years ago
Thank you! Everyone seems to be focusing on the high heels thing, when this is really about accepting people for who they are. And let's be honest, there's more pressure on women than on me to dress, look and act a certain way. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend wanted to wear a bin bag to my company's Christmas party! If you want to be with someone, you should accept everything about them. If you can't deal, then you should leave, but don't try to hammer people into conformist moulds.
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MoJo1979 3 years ago
Why is it men's shoes and women's shoes, who decided what each gender can and can't wear? I totally get her not wanting to wear a pair of extremely uncomfortable shoes. I never wear heels or 'womens' flat shoes, because they're simply not practical.
E Ryuu 3 years ago
I think it's more that she was going to wear them with a ball gown.
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Hiker Chick 3 years ago
As a woman, I have mixed feelings about this one. I do think she should make an effort to present herself nicely, if nothing else than to support her boyfriend. When I was married, it was important that my husband wore appropriate outfits to my work parties and he was fine with that. I would have been embarrassed if he showed up with his usual holes in his pants or whatever. Also, they do make extremely comfortable women's shoes that are dressy. I can't wear heels anymore, but I needed some dressy comfy shoes for a wedding and found a pair of shiny Dansko boot-sandal things that are so comfy I can stand in them for hours. So I don't buy the argument that women's shoes can't be comfortable.
Cassandra Reese 3 years ago
Granted, but why can't a woman wear a mens shoe? Why does she have to wear a womens alternative? Because the women's looks girly/feminine? Not everyone likes that look. He is an a*****e for perpetuating the stereotype that women need to dress/ look a certain way.
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Rebecca Joan 3 years ago (edited)
I’m glad they found a compromise. Unfortunately there are still some industries where it would be looked at negatively if an employee’s date didn’t look put together. Stupid as it is, I like that he put it in terms of that it’s not about not wanting to defend her, but his professional job function isn’t the place for that fight as probably neither of them is independently wealthy and he probably needs his job. I don’t Get why you would wear a dress if you were going to wear men’s shoes because there are plenty of other feminine alternatives to a dress if you aren’t going to wear the proper shoes.
Zedrapazia 3 years ago
Congratulations, you gaslit your own girlfriend into buying garbage shoes she'll never wear again because of your own weak toxic man pride. This man is ultra TA and I hope GF drops his sorry a*s and gets herself a man with more confidence than a fragile little doll.
Jenna Thompson 3 years ago
But shouldn't she compromise just a bit. It's one pair of shoes, they can be her reserved "work party" shoes, he has no other issues with his she dresses, I don't think he's being that unreasonable
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Amy Watkins 3 years ago
The whole focus/argument was on changing her choice of shoes. Why not change the outfit? Instead of an "evening gown" -- why not wear a tux or a silk pantsuit or something along those lines?
Squirrelly Panda 3 years ago
The last formal event I went to I got a fancy swishy pants outfit so I could wear comfy shoes that "went with" the outfit. Was it different than what most people wore, yes. Was it formal, appropriate, comfortable, and looked good on me? Heck ya! The focus should be on the whole outfit to be comfortable and appropriate.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 3 years ago
Everyone is so hell-bent on making the guy look like he only cares about looks, but watch your partner walk in on battered shoes or in a shirt with holes in them for weeks on end and see how you feel about it. It's perfectly fine to not be materialistic, but it's also fine if your partner likes to see you put in a little effort. Making an effort doesn't automatically mean you're going back to the 50's, you can also buy nice women's shoes that are more comfortable than heels. It's 2022, the options are limitless. I'm glad for OP that they talked about it and came to a solution together.
Helena R 3 years ago
Thank you ! It's not always about looks or comfort but making an effort
Load More Replies... Lizzy Crit 3 years ago
1940s style mary janes might be an option that walks the line between fancy and practical, but I agree. Women's shoes suck. I own 3 pair that I actually wear, sneakers for work and hiking boots or sandals at home. Or barefoot.
Bunzilla 3 years ago
I own a pair of orthopedic mary janes; they're super comfy, and they look nice. Very practical and they go with just about everything. They were very expensive, but they have lasted me more than 10 years.
Load More Replies... Boston - he/him 3 years ago
as a person who *is* actually autistic, that comment is just plain offensive. he's going on about her fashion style and stubbornness about shoes, and due to that he calls her autistic?! no. just no. yes, us autistic people can be a little alternative when it comes to how we present ourselves, and no, not all people that do have autism are diagnosed, but blaming her personal sense of style on a mental disorder (as well as using the term "autistic" as a somewhat derogatory term) is unacceptable. period.
Load More Replies... JanaK 3 years ago
I adore my reebok but that doesn't mean that if i have to go at a wedding, i would go with them.
Load More Replies... LH25 3 years ago
This isn't even really about shoes. The whole post seems like he doesn't understand his GF for so many things.
Alina Mihai 3 years ago
Thank you! Everyone seems to be focusing on the high heels thing, when this is really about accepting people for who they are. And let's be honest, there's more pressure on women than on me to dress, look and act a certain way. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend wanted to wear a bin bag to my company's Christmas party! If you want to be with someone, you should accept everything about them. If you can't deal, then you should leave, but don't try to hammer people into conformist moulds.
Load More Replies... MoJo1979 3 years ago
Why is it men's shoes and women's shoes, who decided what each gender can and can't wear? I totally get her not wanting to wear a pair of extremely uncomfortable shoes. I never wear heels or 'womens' flat shoes, because they're simply not practical.
E Ryuu 3 years ago
I think it's more that she was going to wear them with a ball gown.
Load More Replies... Hiker Chick 3 years ago
As a woman, I have mixed feelings about this one. I do think she should make an effort to present herself nicely, if nothing else than to support her boyfriend. When I was married, it was important that my husband wore appropriate outfits to my work parties and he was fine with that. I would have been embarrassed if he showed up with his usual holes in his pants or whatever. Also, they do make extremely comfortable women's shoes that are dressy. I can't wear heels anymore, but I needed some dressy comfy shoes for a wedding and found a pair of shiny Dansko boot-sandal things that are so comfy I can stand in them for hours. So I don't buy the argument that women's shoes can't be comfortable.
Cassandra Reese 3 years ago
Granted, but why can't a woman wear a mens shoe? Why does she have to wear a womens alternative? Because the women's looks girly/feminine? Not everyone likes that look. He is an a*****e for perpetuating the stereotype that women need to dress/ look a certain way.
Load More Replies... Rebecca Joan 3 years ago (edited)
I’m glad they found a compromise. Unfortunately there are still some industries where it would be looked at negatively if an employee’s date didn’t look put together. Stupid as it is, I like that he put it in terms of that it’s not about not wanting to defend her, but his professional job function isn’t the place for that fight as probably neither of them is independently wealthy and he probably needs his job. I don’t Get why you would wear a dress if you were going to wear men’s shoes because there are plenty of other feminine alternatives to a dress if you aren’t going to wear the proper shoes.
Zedrapazia 3 years ago
Congratulations, you gaslit your own girlfriend into buying garbage shoes she'll never wear again because of your own weak toxic man pride. This man is ultra TA and I hope GF drops his sorry a*s and gets herself a man with more confidence than a fragile little doll.
Jenna Thompson 3 years ago
But shouldn't she compromise just a bit. It's one pair of shoes, they can be her reserved "work party" shoes, he has no other issues with his she dresses, I don't think he's being that unreasonable
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