Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
Guy On The Verge Of Breakup When GF Leaves To Stay With Mom Shares A Wholesome Update
While any solid relationship is built on love, trust and communication, it’s important to not lose sight of the simple fact that going through life has its own set of logistics as well. Dishes have to be cleaned, floors vacuumed and people need to eat. So when one partner feels they are pulling all the weight, resentment begins to grow.
A man asked the internet if he was wrong to call his unemployed and depressed partner lazy after she had gotten into the habit of simply doing nothing around the house all day. We reached out to the man who shared the post via private message and will update the article when he gets back to us.
RELATED:
It can be hard to feel good about your partner if you are literally cleaning up after them
Image credits: EyeEm (not the actual image)
So one man wondered if telling his girlfriend that depression was no excuse was perhaps too harsh
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: benzoix (not the actual image)
Image credits: Throwawayadvice236
Mental health issues can often take a toll on both partners
Depression in a relationship can make for a sensitive and often agonizing imbalance. There is the struggling partner, on one hand, laden with fatigue, lack of motivation, or hopelessness that renders even the most mundane chores insurmountable. On the other hand, there is the other partner who bears the extra burden of shouldering the duties alone, be it working for the household, taking care of finances, or just keeping the daily chores afloat. Both are true experiences, and both need to be heard. The problem is in how to talk about this inequality without increasing the hurt and reinforcing the stigma of depression.
First is to approach the conversation with empathy. Depression is not laziness, even though it can seem that way from the outside looking in. A partner who seems to be “not pulling their weight” may already feel guilty or ashamed for not contributing as much as they should, so direct accusations have a tendency to quickly make things worse.
Starting from a place of concern, speaking with “I” statements instead of “you” statements, keeps the focus on the impact instead of blame. For example, “I feel overwhelmed handling everything by myself” opens the door far more effectively than “you’re not doing anything.” In this story, we’re seeing the alternative approach of this concept, where the man’s statements, while having some merit, come off as attacks.
Timing and tone also matter. Trying to bring up sensitive topics in the heat of frustration often leads to defensiveness. Instead, it helps to choose a calmer moment and frame the discussion as a joint problem to solve. Phrasing it as, “How can we do things so that they work for both of us at this moment?” invites collaboration rather than confrontation.
Image credits: wavebreakmedia_micro (not the actual image)
Communication is key, but it has to be handled correctly
This lets you talk about functional changes, doing something different, lowering expectations on something, or developing low-stakes goals that feel within reach for the hurting partner. It is also important to label limits on what a partner can do. To love someone with depression is not to try and fix them or to bear the whole emotional weight alone.
Promoting professional intervention, therapy, medication, or other treatment, can sometimes be the kindest act. At the same time, however, the overwhelmed partner should not neglect his or her own needs. Resentment comes fast when self-care is forsaken. Seeking assistance, whether from a therapist, family, or friends, can help to offload some of the pressure and prevent burnout. Lastly, communication here involves honesty, patience, and the ability to hold two truths at once.
Depression makes life harder for the ill person, and it affects the loving partner. Naming both sides of that reality allows the relationship to stay in compassion without hiding the real, underlying tension. Neither perfection is the aim nor is it even doable, but balance, finding ways for each partner to be heard, seen, and valued even in the midst of an ugly chapter. If handled sensitively, such conversations can not only relieve some of the immediate tension but strengthen the bond and trust of the relationship too. If this story felt like quite a downer, there is an update after the comments below that the man shared later.
Image credits: yanalya (not the actual image)
Many readers thought he had been too harsh
Some saw his point of view
Others thought it was a messy situation and both of them deserved some grace
He shared a more positive update later
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual image)
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
Image credits: Throwawayadvice236
He chatted with some readers in the comments
Many were happy they were working on their issues together
Some readers were still bitter at the story’s resolution
Poll Question
Total votes ·
Thanks! Check out the results:
Total votes ·
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
Explore more of these tags
What do you think ?
Upstaged75 2 months ago
Coming from someone with major depressive disorder and anxiety: she needed a kick in the @ss and he did the right thing by addressing it. (Maybe not by calling her lazy, but she needed a wake-up call) Wallowing is the worst thing you can possibly do when you have depression. It just makes everything worse. She obviously needs medication - MDD is not something you can cure with just talk therapy. It's literally a disorder in your brain! I'm glad the incident led her to seek help and start doing some things every day.
Ms.GB 2 months ago (edited)
Their main concern should've been the fact that whatever she was doing for her depression wasn't working, a mess can always be cleaned up. I suffered from clinical depression for several years until I finally found a treatment that put me in remission. Having been on both sides I can absolutely tell you that daily chores etc. are so much easier. In a healthy mind frame they border on annoying but this is nowhere near the impossible hill to climb they seem to be while depressed. Depression makes even showering and brushing your teeth feel like a 2 hour cardio session so to anyone who currently knows someone suffering from clinical depression just imagine every tiny thing you have to do every day feeling like running a mile because that's what it was like for me. Life is so easy now even with the normal ups and downs and problems. To anyone out there still suffering with depression and anxiety you have my utmost empathy. Don't stop trying to find treatment, don't put it on the back burner as something you'll do when you have more energy. Make whatever concessions you have to make to make your mental health priority number one and give the ppl in your life a little grace because they truly can't know what it's like for you unless they've really been there themselves.
Load More Replies...
Gingersnap In Iowa 2 months ago
I have treatment resistant depression, PTSD and social anxiety. I spent half of last year at a residential treatment center. I have struggled every d**n day since coming back home. The at home healthcare I was supposed to receive didn't follow through (long story). I try to do little things every day. For example; feeding the cat and dog, taking them out, etc. I try and cook every day and wash up the dishes. That may not sound like a lot to most people but if I can accomplish that I feel better. I spent most of my life thinking my depression equals being lazy. It doesn't, I have an illness that's no less serious than diabetes. I think people still don't understand depression or mental illness and assume that a person can think 'positive' thoughts or pray really hard and become better. It doesn't work like that! I'll get off my soapbox now. 😔
Midoribird Aoi 2 months ago
I have had depression for years. If it were not for my overpowering drive to keep a roof over my head at all costs, I would have sunk under loooong ago. There are certain things growing up in poverty can do to a person, and this need was one of them. It does not make me feel any better. But it keeps me out of bed and working. Unwillingly, but I mask well, so I manage.
Load More Replies...
Dragons Exist 2 months ago
The most wholesome (and not-fake-sounding) AITA I've read in a long time
L.V 2 months ago
I have depression, and honestly, there's no single solution, you have to figure out what works for you. For me, it is getting up to go to work every day, go away for weekend or holidays, and take up a hobby that produces a tangible result, ie knitting, crocheting. And give myself some grace on days where I can't accomplish a thing. I'm probably be on antidepressants the rest of my life, but I can function somewhat normally. Thankfully my husband is very supportive.
Michael MacKinnon 2 months ago
I was going to make the Allie Brosh recommendation. Depression isn't being sad, or being lazy, it's being numb and not able to stop being numb. And it's not a weakness to get medication.
LongFang 2 months ago
So happy for them ! Going through that myself... Flat's a mess... Did laundry last Sunday... Took out some trash this morning. I'm trying. Big hugs to all
Gingersnap In Iowa 2 months ago
I cleaned out the fridge a couple of weeks ago. I'm still riding that high! Hang in there, you're doing the best that you can right now!
Load More Replies... Tyke 2 months ago
Is it normal that a therapist issues medication? I was in a similar situation and my therapist suggested I go and speak to my doctor about medication - they do not issue it themselves. I'm in the UK.
Vinnie 2 months ago
To prescribe meds, a therapist needs to have a medical degree. Some have one, some do not. Instead, they are likely to have a degree in psychology.
Load More Replies...
JayWantsACat 2 months ago
I'm bipolar and live alone. Mania and depression used to hit me very hard, but fizzed out relatively quickly. The older I got, the less mania came around and less depression hit me. But it's been replaces by a low level, very long term version of depression that I didnt realize I had until going back to the office during working from home through lockdown. My place became even a hoarders nightmare that I'm STILL trying to get a handle on. my point is I understand OP's frustration because I'm frustrated myself at myself. I couldn't imagine putting someone through what I'm putting myself through. I'm glad that found a first step to some way forward.
Vinnie 2 months ago (edited)
I'm glad you're trying. I expect a failure rate with my issues. That takes patience on my part. One of my sisters studied hoarding (my father became a hoarder). Understanding hoarding motivations helps. In my case, it's a hesitation to pollute the earth. So I joined a service that picks up items to keep out of landfills. My most recent breakthrough: to stop buying food because it's on special. That reduces food waste (and what's the point of wasting money on something I'll forget to use?).
Load More Replies...
Jake Bertz 1 month ago
Pretty messed up how people will excuse her laying about for months because of depression, but call him an a*****e for snapping once from burnout.
Sophia John 2 months ago
The problem is understaffed but still, YTA. The others have said enough about depression so I won't add to it. The one chore a day will help ror days 3 months and after that the problem might relapse. That's just how depression works. The graph of depression is never a straight line. It's more like a series of peaks and dips. You said you earnenough. Can you arrange for a housemaid? That will make both or yous stress-free
Shelley Colleen 2 months ago
Honestly, it sounds like the girlfriend's therapist is a psychologist (psychology doctorate) and not a psychiatrist (medical physician). Psychologists are not able to prescribe meds.
Ryan-James O'Driscoll 2 months ago
I love alone and have spent my time dealing with depression and anxiety. I've been in that place. I do think it could have been handled better, maybe with a little more support. But something had to change, and change hard.
Madeleine Christiansen 2 months ago
Yeah, she's intentionally/unintentionally going to make you drain yourself by doing all the work. This is not what a relationship is about.
Papa 2 months ago
Either you didn't read the whole thing, or "the man is always wrong." Which is it?
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 2 months ago
Coming from someone with major depressive disorder and anxiety: she needed a kick in the @ss and he did the right thing by addressing it. (Maybe not by calling her lazy, but she needed a wake-up call) Wallowing is the worst thing you can possibly do when you have depression. It just makes everything worse. She obviously needs medication - MDD is not something you can cure with just talk therapy. It's literally a disorder in your brain! I'm glad the incident led her to seek help and start doing some things every day.
Ms.GB 2 months ago (edited)
Their main concern should've been the fact that whatever she was doing for her depression wasn't working, a mess can always be cleaned up. I suffered from clinical depression for several years until I finally found a treatment that put me in remission. Having been on both sides I can absolutely tell you that daily chores etc. are so much easier. In a healthy mind frame they border on annoying but this is nowhere near the impossible hill to climb they seem to be while depressed. Depression makes even showering and brushing your teeth feel like a 2 hour cardio session so to anyone who currently knows someone suffering from clinical depression just imagine every tiny thing you have to do every day feeling like running a mile because that's what it was like for me. Life is so easy now even with the normal ups and downs and problems. To anyone out there still suffering with depression and anxiety you have my utmost empathy. Don't stop trying to find treatment, don't put it on the back burner as something you'll do when you have more energy. Make whatever concessions you have to make to make your mental health priority number one and give the ppl in your life a little grace because they truly can't know what it's like for you unless they've really been there themselves.
Load More Replies... Gingersnap In Iowa 2 months ago
I have treatment resistant depression, PTSD and social anxiety. I spent half of last year at a residential treatment center. I have struggled every d**n day since coming back home. The at home healthcare I was supposed to receive didn't follow through (long story). I try to do little things every day. For example; feeding the cat and dog, taking them out, etc. I try and cook every day and wash up the dishes. That may not sound like a lot to most people but if I can accomplish that I feel better. I spent most of my life thinking my depression equals being lazy. It doesn't, I have an illness that's no less serious than diabetes. I think people still don't understand depression or mental illness and assume that a person can think 'positive' thoughts or pray really hard and become better. It doesn't work like that! I'll get off my soapbox now. 😔
Midoribird Aoi 2 months ago
I have had depression for years. If it were not for my overpowering drive to keep a roof over my head at all costs, I would have sunk under loooong ago. There are certain things growing up in poverty can do to a person, and this need was one of them. It does not make me feel any better. But it keeps me out of bed and working. Unwillingly, but I mask well, so I manage.
Load More Replies... Dragons Exist 2 months ago
The most wholesome (and not-fake-sounding) AITA I've read in a long time
L.V 2 months ago
I have depression, and honestly, there's no single solution, you have to figure out what works for you. For me, it is getting up to go to work every day, go away for weekend or holidays, and take up a hobby that produces a tangible result, ie knitting, crocheting. And give myself some grace on days where I can't accomplish a thing. I'm probably be on antidepressants the rest of my life, but I can function somewhat normally. Thankfully my husband is very supportive.
Michael MacKinnon 2 months ago
I was going to make the Allie Brosh recommendation. Depression isn't being sad, or being lazy, it's being numb and not able to stop being numb. And it's not a weakness to get medication.
LongFang 2 months ago
So happy for them ! Going through that myself... Flat's a mess... Did laundry last Sunday... Took out some trash this morning. I'm trying. Big hugs to all
Gingersnap In Iowa 2 months ago
I cleaned out the fridge a couple of weeks ago. I'm still riding that high! Hang in there, you're doing the best that you can right now!
Load More Replies... Tyke 2 months ago
Is it normal that a therapist issues medication? I was in a similar situation and my therapist suggested I go and speak to my doctor about medication - they do not issue it themselves. I'm in the UK.
Vinnie 2 months ago
To prescribe meds, a therapist needs to have a medical degree. Some have one, some do not. Instead, they are likely to have a degree in psychology.
Load More Replies... JayWantsACat 2 months ago
I'm bipolar and live alone. Mania and depression used to hit me very hard, but fizzed out relatively quickly. The older I got, the less mania came around and less depression hit me. But it's been replaces by a low level, very long term version of depression that I didnt realize I had until going back to the office during working from home through lockdown. My place became even a hoarders nightmare that I'm STILL trying to get a handle on. my point is I understand OP's frustration because I'm frustrated myself at myself. I couldn't imagine putting someone through what I'm putting myself through. I'm glad that found a first step to some way forward.
Vinnie 2 months ago (edited)
I'm glad you're trying. I expect a failure rate with my issues. That takes patience on my part. One of my sisters studied hoarding (my father became a hoarder). Understanding hoarding motivations helps. In my case, it's a hesitation to pollute the earth. So I joined a service that picks up items to keep out of landfills. My most recent breakthrough: to stop buying food because it's on special. That reduces food waste (and what's the point of wasting money on something I'll forget to use?).
Load More Replies... Jake Bertz 1 month ago
Pretty messed up how people will excuse her laying about for months because of depression, but call him an a*****e for snapping once from burnout.
Sophia John 2 months ago
The problem is understaffed but still, YTA. The others have said enough about depression so I won't add to it. The one chore a day will help ror days 3 months and after that the problem might relapse. That's just how depression works. The graph of depression is never a straight line. It's more like a series of peaks and dips. You said you earnenough. Can you arrange for a housemaid? That will make both or yous stress-free
Shelley Colleen 2 months ago
Honestly, it sounds like the girlfriend's therapist is a psychologist (psychology doctorate) and not a psychiatrist (medical physician). Psychologists are not able to prescribe meds.
Ryan-James O'Driscoll 2 months ago
I love alone and have spent my time dealing with depression and anxiety. I've been in that place. I do think it could have been handled better, maybe with a little more support. But something had to change, and change hard.
Madeleine Christiansen 2 months ago
Yeah, she's intentionally/unintentionally going to make you drain yourself by doing all the work. This is not what a relationship is about.
Papa 2 months ago
Either you didn't read the whole thing, or "the man is always wrong." Which is it?
Load More Replies... You May Like Man’s Mysterious Work Trip Makes Girlfriend Suspicious, Realizes She Doesn’t Want Him Anymore Unemployed Guy Expects Partner To Pay His Bills Until He Finds A ‘Perfect’ Job, Receives A Reality Check Man Gets Suspicious Over GF’s “Family Dinner” He Wasn’t Invited To, Kicks Her Out After Discovering The Truth
Justinas Keturka
Viktorija Ošikaitė
Ilona Baliūnaitė
Related on Bored Panda
34
24