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Guy Asks For Advice After Wife Finally Admits How She Really Feels About His Hobby
Interview With Expert
Everyone needs something to take the edge off. For Reddit user AtreidesOne, that something is video games. The 42-year-old has been enjoying them throughout his entire life and believes he has managed to do so without having to sacrifice much else.
However, the man’s wife recently told him that the hobby makes him look childish and less attractive. Considering that she’s always been aware of how he spends his free time, he was shocked and didn’t really know what to make of the sudden news. So, he turned to the internet for help.
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This 42-year-old has always loved to wind down by enjoying a video game
Image credits: Erik Mclean / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
But after years of marriage, his wife suddenly had an issue with it
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: AtreidesOne
Image credits: Guillaume Issaly / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Long-term relationships can suffer even if nobody was betrayed
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a New York City-based clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, told Bored Panda, “It’s common for partners to lose attraction for each other in long-term relationships due to stress and burnout, which could occur either within or outside (e.g., work, family, friendship problems) of the relationship.”
“Additionally, as the relationship becomes more stable and consistent, often less effort is contributed to maintaining it, which often results in less quality time spent engaging in shared hobbies, experiencing novelty experiences together, and showing mutual interest in each other’s lives outside the relationship.”
Because of that, Romanoff said, priorities can shift away from maintaining the relationship (once it’s been safely established), and this could lead to partners feeling emotionally, physically, and intellectually neglected. “The predictability of being with your partner long-term can start to make intimacy feel stale and boring,” the clinical psychologist said.
The good thing is that these processes are reversible. But it takes work. “Reigniting the spark rarely starts with physical intimacy. Instead, look at how you both are connecting emotionally and intellectually. Does the relationship feel safe? Do you laugh together? Are you each there for the other in times of vulnerability and need? Do you have emotional intimacy? Try to increase each of these experiences with your partner by being more vulnerable, sharing your feelings, being a more active listener, and also by reducing blaming and defensive posturing,” Romanoff explained.
“Next, increase experiences of fun, novelty, and entertainment together. Reflect on [them] and express gratitude to each other for what you genuinely appreciate in your partner. Plan date nights. Try a new class or hobby. Find a new funny show you both adore. Make more effortful moments of physical contact, like holding hands, giving back rubs, and hugging.”
Once the groundwork is done, you can then begin to spice up your physical intimacy by introducing variation and new experiences in the bedroom.
In response to some of the most common questions, the guy clarified a few important points
And later joined the discussion that unfolded in the comments
The couple’s problems are likely larger than video games
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or the DSM-5), which is the American Psychiatric Association’s professional reference book, includes a section on the warning signs of problematic video gaming.
According to its criteria, you need to have five or more of these signs in one year to qualify:
- Thinking about gaming all or a lot of the time;
- Feeling bad when you can’t play;
- Needing to spend more and more time playing to feel good;
- Not being able to quit or even play less;
- Not wanting to do other things that you used to like;
- Having problems at work, school, or home because of your gaming;
- Playing despite these problems;
- Lying to people close to you about how much time you spend playing;
- Using gaming to ease bad moods and feelings.
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
If the post’s author is honest about his relationship with his computer, it doesn’t sound like he has an issue.
Furthermore, a study by the University of Oxford on video games and well-being that involved 39,000 participants has concluded that gaming has no measurable effect on well-being or overall life satisfaction. So, it really can just be a way to spend time.
Attraction consists of a combination of a person’s physical, mental, emotional, and intellectual attributes.
While stability and security are important ingredients in a healthy long-term relationship, as Dr. Romanoff said, getting too comfortable with each other can make the partnership feel predictable and stale.
People eagerly shared their advice for him
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What do you think ?
Jacob B 7 months ago
How dare he have a hobby he enjoys. Jokes aside, unless he becomes negligent because of gaming (which doesn't seem to be the case) it's wonderful that he has something that he enjoys that allows him to relax. In my own experience it's usually boils down to jealousy. I've met many women without ANY hobbies or passions and getting angry at the hobbies I have (gaming, collecting board games and books etc). She's probably bored and wants attention. Which is fair, but he's not really burning their time together. He's literally playing at night when everybody is asleep. Still, the solution is to talk it over. No point in letting it fester. It's not like they are just started dating, they are in a very well established relationship. They should be able to smooth it out. Scheduling a date night would also be a good idea.
The Doom Song 7 months ago
My partner is a gamer. Maybe a couple nights a week he will play. I honestly don't mind coz 9 times out of 10 I'm sitting in the same room watching TV shows on my tablet, with a heaphone in, that he has zero interest in. Or I'm reading a book bit it's nice just being in the same room
FreeTheUnicorn 7 months ago
Fully agree with the this is about something else crowd. Obviously we only have OPs taken, but most common times to spend with your spouse (in bed or otherwise) when you have kids is after the kids go to bed and before they wake up on the weekends. If that's video game time, she might be feeling left out. But you can't know until you have an honest discussion. She doesn't sound ready to do that because she opened with insults and aggression. I wouldn't change my patterns until she can speak respectfully and clearly about what the problem is, what she wants and why. Until she can do that, no changes will help, except to set a weird power imbalance that will just exacerbate things.
Binky Melnik 7 months ago
He’s only playing TWO NIGHTS A WEEK. She’s got a bug up her a*s about *something*, so he needs to find out what it is. I’m sick of the “video games are for kids” nonsense; I just turned 65 yesterday and they’re gonna hafta pry my controller from my cold, dеad, arthritic hands! It might help if she tried playing a couple games with him in co-op; she might discover she likes ‘em, too.
Load More Replies...
Jacob B 7 months ago
How dare he have a hobby he enjoys. Jokes aside, unless he becomes negligent because of gaming (which doesn't seem to be the case) it's wonderful that he has something that he enjoys that allows him to relax. In my own experience it's usually boils down to jealousy. I've met many women without ANY hobbies or passions and getting angry at the hobbies I have (gaming, collecting board games and books etc). She's probably bored and wants attention. Which is fair, but he's not really burning their time together. He's literally playing at night when everybody is asleep. Still, the solution is to talk it over. No point in letting it fester. It's not like they are just started dating, they are in a very well established relationship. They should be able to smooth it out. Scheduling a date night would also be a good idea.
The Doom Song 7 months ago
My partner is a gamer. Maybe a couple nights a week he will play. I honestly don't mind coz 9 times out of 10 I'm sitting in the same room watching TV shows on my tablet, with a heaphone in, that he has zero interest in. Or I'm reading a book bit it's nice just being in the same room
FreeTheUnicorn 7 months ago
Fully agree with the this is about something else crowd. Obviously we only have OPs taken, but most common times to spend with your spouse (in bed or otherwise) when you have kids is after the kids go to bed and before they wake up on the weekends. If that's video game time, she might be feeling left out. But you can't know until you have an honest discussion. She doesn't sound ready to do that because she opened with insults and aggression. I wouldn't change my patterns until she can speak respectfully and clearly about what the problem is, what she wants and why. Until she can do that, no changes will help, except to set a weird power imbalance that will just exacerbate things.
Binky Melnik 7 months ago
He’s only playing TWO NIGHTS A WEEK. She’s got a bug up her a*s about *something*, so he needs to find out what it is. I’m sick of the “video games are for kids” nonsense; I just turned 65 yesterday and they’re gonna hafta pry my controller from my cold, dеad, arthritic hands! It might help if she tried playing a couple games with him in co-op; she might discover she likes ‘em, too.
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