30 Very Appropriate Jokes, As Shared On This “Clean Jokes” Online Group
Humor is one tough nut to crack. Sometimes it’s bland, other times it’s too in your face, occasionally it can even offend someone, leaving a bad aftertaste and ruined image. At the same time, there are many fans of dark humor who like puns with not just a pinch of salt but a bag of Carolina reapers. Others are clever joke aficionados that adore trivia-meets-comedy type of fun. And dad jokes are just a whole other category.
But what if you feel like you don’t fit into any of these categories? Well, this entertaining subreddit may have exactly what you need. Titled “Clean Jokes,” it’s described as a community for “for those of you who are either easily offended or just like clean jokes.” Created back in 2012, the subreddit is home to 130k members, so it’s obvious there’s a demand for content like that.
Below we selected some of the funniest offense-proof jokes for everyone to chuckle at, so be sure to upvote your favorite ones as you go!
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out....
When asked if there’s always an offensive element to telling jokes, Sophie Scott, the British neuroscientist and Wellcome Trust Senior Fellow at University College London, told Bored Panda that this is indeed the case. Her research investigates the cognitive neuroscience of voices, speech and laughter, particularly speech perception, speech production, vocal emotions, and human communication.
“There are no jokes that are guaranteed to be funny for everyone. And there may be a reference in there that someone finds personally offensive, like the basis for this very old Onion,” the professor explained.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."
The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.
"There's no way you're bilingual."
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Moreover, Scott argues that “it’s possible that any joke could offend someone, and that the perceived offence is compounded by the invitation to laugh that a joke implies.”
“There is also evidence that people vary in the extent to which they think they are being personally ridiculed when they hear laughter, so it’s possible that they would be more likely to be upset by a joke,” she explained.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion....
Apparently, “Really big ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer...
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
To find out more about the Clean Jokes community, we reached out to its moderator Ccm596 who shared a couple of insights about it. “I had been wanting to start a good subreddit (I think I had already made a couple at this point, very niche stuff, /r/Kennedy, /r/matchboxtwenty, one for my hometown of only 15k people) and nothing really came to me,” the moderator recounted the origins of the subreddit.
Ccm596 noticed that “there was a sizable community in /r/jokes who had grown tired of the sub having so many ‘dirty’ jokes. I personally didn't, and don't, have an issue with dirty jokes, but I thought it'd be nice to have a community dedicated to cleaner humor,” they said in an interview.
“Back in the day...” my grandpa started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $3 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But...
"Now however".. he continued, "wherever you go there are those darn cameras"
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!”
I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again...
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
So the idea of Clean Jokes, according to the moderator, is a place for redditors to have somewhere to go for jokes where they know that anything they click on will be appropriate for them to tell their children, or their coworkers. “Jokes that are guaranteed to be 'safe,' I guess. Where people of any community can have a laugh,” they added. To put it simply, the moderator says, “a clean joke” is the kind of joke that doesn’t deal in any "mature" concepts or situations.
How do you tell a chemist from a communist?
A: ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I replied, "Go for it!" He shouted, “NO!! NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” Slightly puzzled, I said, “That’s Superman."
“Thanks man!” he laughed. “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
However, when it comes to Ccm596, “I have no qualms about dark, offensive humor. Many of my favorite jokes, to hear and tell, would not slide on the subreddit.” According to the moderator, “it is important for comedy to push the boundaries of what's 'acceptable' (so long as it isn't comedy that punches down), but at the same time, there's also definitely a place for 'safe' comedy, and it doesn't inherently have to be dark or offensive in order to push those boundaries.”
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys!"
If you think your microwave and your TV spying on you is bad…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...
I bought a universal remote today.
I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.
When asked about how the Clean Jokes community is doing, Ccm596 said that they are honestly very happy with the state of the subreddit, “and I think our current trajectory is a good one,” the mod added.
“That said, I've always wanted to take a more active role in the moderation of the subreddit. At the moment, the MO is basically 'let AutoMod do its thing, handle things as we need to, hands off otherwise' and I think it works out fine, but a more active mod [team] certainly wouldn't hurt,” Ccm596 told us.
My wife is turning 32 soon and I told her not to get her hopes up, “After all, the celebration is only going to last half a minute.” Confused, she asked, “What are you talking about?”
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years..
..and then we met.
Can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go.
Moreover, “we had a bit of an incident in early days, which has me a little apprehensive about taking on new members to the team,” the mod recounted. “But like I said, I'm pretty hands-off myself too, so the answer isn't even necessarily in expanding. We used to have events once in awhile, 'joke of the month' type things, but I couldn't really think of anything fun to do with it, so I kind of dropped it after a while.”
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I said, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink. No one listened, but he kept on warning and warning them! Nonetheless, they got sick of him...
...and kicked him out of the movie theater.
The Fibonacci convention is supposed to be pretty special this year
They say it's going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...
...and came home to us a seasoned Veteran.
I’m not bragging or anything, but I made six figures this year…
So they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory...
You would think that a Snail without a shell would move that bit faster ?
But it's actually more sluggish.
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!!
What are the odds?!
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into movie theatres
Well lets just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve
A bad workman always blames his fools…
I meant tools!!
For the last eight years I've been voted the " most secretive guy " in the office by my coworkers.
Can't tell you how much this award means to me.
I went to the store last week to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had picked 7 up.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors but he turned himself in...
...after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily, the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the man.
Note: this post originally had 81 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.