Nobody’s impervious to the charms of the Christmas spirit and merriments; even if your hero is Mr. Grinch, your icy cold heart is bound to thaw a little seeing a tastefully decorated Christmas tree, cracking up hot chestnuts, and of course, opening presents. But if that’s not enough to penetrate your leaden armor of cold civility, then maybe these funny Christmas quotes will do their job. Of course, our word alone could never be an assurance of an outcome, but what if we told you that these are celebrity quotes? Yes, celebrity Christmas quotes! Now, that takes it up a notch, doesn’t it?
Right, so we’ve gathered the words of famous people, cartoon characters, and book personalities sharing their funny thoughts on the holiday season. Not to be a spoilsport, but some of these quotes will knock you stiff, even if you think that your sense of humor is cultured beyond the aspects of highbrow society. We’re talking to you, dark comedy fans, forever certain that Christmas could never be the topic of a joke worthy of a scribble in your pocketbook. Did we pique a sleepy curiosity, drawing your attention to the cocky words claiming that you’re about to giggle mindlessly? Hopefully, a task achieved, and the golden star is ours.
Anyhoo, we think it is time for you to check out the Christmas quotes that we’ve corralled onto our list. At this point, you know exactly what to do - don’t scroll down below to check out the hilarious quotes for yourself, don’t vote for the ones that you liked the most, and by God, do not recommend this article to any of your merry friends. Day of the opposites, gotcha!
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"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." — Shirley Temple
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." — Victor Borge
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." — Bob Phillips
"This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox." — Anthony Jeselnik
"Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas." — Unknown
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red." — Unknown
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin." — Jay Leno
"Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?" — Unknown
"Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa." — Bart Simpson
"What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." — Phyllis Diller
"Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state." — Samantha Bee
I think that people should just get general days off for holidays so they can take time off whenever they have something going on....ice always thought it must be weird for someone to work on 3 kings day or Hanukkah or whatever and have 12/25 off
"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'"—Jim Gaffigan
"You know what I got for Christmas? Fat." — Unknown
"People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas." — Unknown
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”—Andy Borowitz
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." — Johnny Carson
"I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." — Maya Angelou
"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit." — Unknown
"Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks." — Unknown
"The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." — George Carlin
"There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list." — Milton Berle
"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." — Dave Barry
"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it." — Demetri Martin
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping." — Steven Wright
"My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness." — Dave Barry
"Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear." — Unknown
"You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger." — Robert Paul
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." — Johnny Carson
I have found that in the Sims, some Sims love fruitcake while others despise it with every inch of their being. But I also found the ancient matriarch of my vampire family cooking fruitcake for the daughter and her husband who spent their wedding night in her bed and promptly moved out, so...(note: the matriarch doesn't sleep in that bed. It's just there for appearance's sake).
"It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales." — Milton Berle
"Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." — Kin Hubbard
"A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day." — Melanie White
"I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’" — Unknown
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘toys not included.'" — Bernard Manning
"I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." — Winston Spear
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’" ― Dave Barry
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? " ― Bill Watterson
I can picture Calvin's dad saying this, I'm sure it's him! Plus it builds character 😉
"I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking." — Earthman Adam
"I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree." — Charlotte Christmas
"One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."—J.K. Rowling
"Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen." — Sean Hughes
"Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas." — Unknown
Financially I'm not ready for Christmas 2018, mentally I'm just not ready.
"No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday." — Erma Bombeck
"Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in "Gift certificate for a flu shot." — Erma Bombeck
Miss your timeless Witt Erma. And I finally look and feel like my passport photo.
"It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones." — Jimmy Kimmel
"Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t." — Evan Esar
"The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas." — Robert Rivers
"Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?" — Tom Armstrong
"Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music." — Tom Sims
"A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours." — John B. Priestly
"How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?" — Santa Claus in Home Alone
"I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!" — Taylor Swift
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven." — W.C. Fields
"There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?" — Conan O’Brien
"Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp." — Melanie White
"I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange." — Henny Youngman
"This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones." — Guy Endore Kaiser
"One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales." — Grace Kriley
"I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him."— Theodore W. Higginsworth
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." — Garrison Keillor
"There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas." — Robert Staughton Lynd
"The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’" — John Leo
"For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!" — Anne Bristow
"The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." — Joan Rivers
"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly." — Andy Rooney.
"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." — Larry Wilde
"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases." — Bridger Winegar
"Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period."— Frances Wright
"Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time." — Douglas Coupland
"Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends." — Larry Wilde
"The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes." — Julius Sharpe
"You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January." — Kate Summers
"Adults can take a simple holiday for children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name." — Erma Bombeck
"It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be." — Bill Murray
"What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present." — Don Marquis
"Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?" — Jimmy Kimmel
"Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?" — Arlo Guthrie
"Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal." — Lenore Hershey
"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." — Richard Lamm
"Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts." — Unknown
"People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December." — Ogden Nash
"Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money." — Unknown
"Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included." — Unknown
"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." — Richard Lewis.
"I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough." — Bridger Winegar
"That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." — Jerry Seinfeld
"The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted." — Olivia Williams
"I’d rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards." — Paul O’Grady
"There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh." — Kristen Wiig
"Most of the soap operas always use the Christmas special to kill huge quantities of their characters. So they have trams coming off their rails, or cars slamming into each other or burning buildings. It’s a general clean-out." — Baron Fellowes
"It may be a cliche, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself." — Julie Burchill
"Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease." — Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive." — Stephen Fry
"I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery." — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
"We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup." — Elf
My groups - salt, fat, sugar, and alcohol - best represented by pizza, beer, and Christmas cookies.
"‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’" — J.K. Rowling
"I planned out our whole day. First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle." — Elf.
"Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money." — Unknown
"Elf has become this big holiday movie, and I remember running around the streets of New York in tights saying, ‘This could be the last movie I ever make,’ and I could never have predicted that it’d become such a popular film." — Will Ferrell
"I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, ‘I want this,’ ‘Get me this,’ ‘I have to have this’… and then there’s the children. And they’re all by my store ’cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I’m the bad guy." — Al Bundy, Married With Children
"I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter." —Eloisa James
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." — Phyllis Diller
"My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in." — Les Dawson
"Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it." — Stephen King
"Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet." — Kids Sure Are Funny
"Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning." — Alan Bradley
"If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas." — Father Christmas in Elf
"Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas." — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
"Next to a circus , there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." — Kin Hubbard
"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." — P.J. O’Rourk
"It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket." — Craig Ferguson
"I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’" — David Letterman
"We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks." — Bill McKibben
"The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it." — Bill Vaughan
"Out upon merry Christmas! What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer…? ‘If I could work my will,’ said Scrooge indignantly, ‘every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!" — Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
"Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." — Frank McKinney Hubbard
"Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping." — Jon Anderson
