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“AITA For Telling My Dad His Favorite Christmas Memory Is One Of My Least Favorite?”
Interview With ExpertFor many people, Christmas is about family. They either spend time with their loved ones or remember those who have passed on.
This woman wanted to spend Christmas Eve remembering her late mother. Instead, her father brought along his wife and children, ultimately ruining what would have been a sweet and meaningful commemoration.
She tried talking to her dad about it, only to receive a hefty dose of gaslighting. The manipulation made her wonder whether her grievances were valid or if she was being out of line.
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A woman wanted to celebrate Christmas Eve by remembering her late mother
Image credits: prostock-studio (not the actual image)
However, her father ruined those plans
Image credits: Iryna Savchuk (not the actual image)
She began expressing her grievances
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual image)
But her father found a way to turn the tables
Image credits: Humble-Ad-9507
Parental manipulation is often a result of poor emotional regulation
The woman had a valid point, which she brought up to her father. Unfortunately for her, he turned the tables and made it seem as if she were being unreasonable.
Such reactions are typically a byproduct of poor emotional regulation, according to Paadreatic First Aid founder, Sarah Jeffries.
“When parents feel cornered, manipulation can be a quick way to regain control, avoid shame, or dodge accountability,” Jeffries told Bored Panda, adding that learned family patterns can often drive such behavior.
Poor emotional regulation may result in a mix of negative emotions. According to therapist and Chicago Healing Connection owner Robin Shannon, it can be a maelstrom of grief, shame, and fear of losing the relationship, which results in manipulation to avoid the “uncomfortable truth.”
“Some parents rely on guilt, emotional appeals, or rewriting the story because they never learned how to sit with accountability,” she explained, clarifying that they may be trying to protect their own sense of “being a good parent” rather than exerting power and control over their children.
Trauma psychotherapist and Boketto Center founder Liz Eiten describes such behavior as a “systemic issue” in American culture. According to her, it’s when people refuse to take accountability when causing pain to others because of the risk of being “viewed as weak.”
What causes more damage is the lack of awareness that many of these parents have in terms of the damage they are causing to their children. Jeffries pointed out the typical tactic of justifying their actions as something “for your own good,” while others simply lack insight because of defensiveness, anxiety, or substance use, which narrows their perspective.
Some parents do realize their mistakes, but only when it’s too late. But as Shannon explains, they may still refuse to make amends.
“Awareness usually comes much later, when they finally realize the child has pulled away or no longer trusts them. Some parents never make the connection because it requires them to face painful parts of themselves,” she said.
Image credits: gpointstudio (not the actual image)
Setting boundaries with a manipulative parent requires a “layered” approach
It can be challenging to reason with and set boundaries with a manipulative parent, which is why Jeffries advises a “layered” approach. As she explains, it should be “safety first, then boundaries, then communication style.”
“Use time buffers to break urgency. ‘I’ll think about it, or ‘I’ll reply tomorrow at 10 am,” she advises, emphasizing that communication must be short and factual without justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining to avoid circular debates.
Jeffries also urges written communication to create a record, along with predictable routines such as avoiding off-limits topics beforehand.
Meanwhile, Shannon urges a gradual approach, declining invitations, and slowing contact.
“The goal is not to convince the parent of your perspective, but to protect yourself from the pattern,” she stated.
Acceptance is another effective response that Eiten advocates. As she noted, coming to terms with the reality of the situation allows grieving that the parent will never be there in a way that they should be.
“Young adults can use that acceptance to set appropriate boundaries to protect their emotional well-being and decide what they want their relationship with their parents to look like moving forward,” Eiten explained.
The fact that the father refused to think about his daughter’s emotional state already warrants no contact. It may benefit the woman to distance herself while also seeking professional support to help her navigate through the pain.
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual image)
The author provided more information about her story
Many people sided with her
Some believed no one is in the wrong
A few people felt she was holding a grudge
While some faulted everyone involved
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What do you think ?
Kate Johnson 5 days ago (edited)
Another self absorbed father who wants his child to "play happy family" for him and not annoy him with their actual feelings about anything. It's ALL about how THEY feel and what their kids feel couldn't possibly be more irrelevant. If the kids don't go along, they will be punished. I'd consider being out of contact with him a boon.
Ge Po 4 days ago
It sounds like, having this one Christmas together, would have been part of her having a proper goodbye to her mom. Her and her dad, as a unit, before more people got into the mix. If you do not get the chance to mourn the departure of your lost ones, you are at risk of lbocking your heart, which makes it all the more difficult to make new relationships. Yes, he lost his wife, which must have been hard, but OP was only 8 and lost her mom only 2 years ago. You can't force bonds between people. They have to grow naturally, or they may never grow roots.
Load More Replies...
moggiemoo 4 days ago
"Listen kid. Your mum's dead, forget her. Here's your new mum, love her." Even if it's unintentional, daddy's a massive AH.
Ashtophet 4 days ago
I was about to say the same thing, “I replaced my wife, why can’t you replace your mother?” Gross.
Load More Replies...
Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
OP does not need to apologise. Their father needs to apologise for not recognising their feelings even after a full explanation.
Ellinor she/they/elle 5 days ago (edited)
OP is NTA. She lost her mother at a very young age and just 2 years later the dad got another wife and stepkids. It was all very quick to OP (no judgement on the dad's choices from my part regarding his second marriage but it would be fast for a child like OP was) and she needed a moment with just her father and mother. She asked the dad to be alone, he agreed. BUT he ended up making everyone join, breaking his promise made to OP. He is the AH for that, and for getting mad at her for her very valid feelings regarding that memory.
Emilu 5 days ago
Uh, nope. The father is trying to turn his bad behaviour into gaslighting OP and making himself the victim. OP needs to take some time out to mourn how she wants and acknowledge that realistically she's also lost her father because he's a selfish POS. I really feel for OP here.
FreeTheUnicorn 5 days ago
Dad is the AH, then and now but he's not going to change so if OP wants to keep a relationship, she has to decide what she's willing to do
Carrie de Luka 4 days ago
I'd not bother. That's not a relationship worth having. He didn't think about a sad 10 year old missing their mother and did what HE wanted. There was plenty of future opportunities for him to spend Christmas with the new family. He then refuses to acknowledge that they have different memories. He's an absolute AH and is going to remain an absolute AH. Why waste any more effort?
Load More Replies...
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 4 days ago
Totally self absorbed d**k move by the dad. Especially after OP specifically asked for it just to be the two of them.
Bobby 4 days ago
Dad is allowed to love that memory. She is allowed to hate it. Dad is TA for getting upset she doesn't want to hear it anymore. "I'm sorry you don't like that memory. It's not going to change my feelings on it, but I will stop talking about it around you" it's just that simple
Beth Wheeler 4 days ago
I just want to give this girl a big hug & a couple of dry shoulders if needed. I really want to tell her Daddy that he really screwed up & needs to acknowledge it. It sounds like he was dating about a yr after his wife died and married in under 2 yesterday. He could have talked to his new wife about doing this 1 thing for his little girl for Christmas for a little while 1 day. Even if it was a week before Christmas it would have meant the world to HIS little girl. The rest of Christmas they would have been together with little or no problems. I wonder how his wife treated her from the beginning. She should think about therapy to help her deal with all of this. Telling her to get over herself, seriously dude WTH?
Fellfromthemoon 2 days ago (edited)
It is not about what happened 11 years ago, but how the father brings it up, while OP doesn't want to hear it again and again. Let's say one of my fondest memories is something deeply disturbing for you. Will you tell me at the third encounter to just shut the fork up? Yes, you will. Yes, you are polite and will choose nicer words at the first time, but you will ask me to not repeat anymore. And I'll be pretty much TA, if I tell you the same story at the fourth time.
Jack 3 days ago
Dad was so clueless “it’s important to cement family bonds” What do you think your kid was trying to do by having a solo moment with you???? That’s exactly what the kid was trying to do, cement a bond between JUST the two of you! But you were so insecure and needy, you wanted the past erased as quickly as possible, and in that moment you likely erased your bond with your kid. Men can be so CLUMSY with emotions.
Nils Skirnir 4 days ago
OP’s dad got all he wanted; unloaded an ill wife, became a widower, and got a brand new one. Thus, he’s keen to forget everything and wants to play nice with his new current squeeze. Fact that he was remarried within two years says it all. Poor girl
Doodles1983 5 days ago
Dad is a soft AH. And that Christmas Eve error, forcing new family, is probably why OP feels no family bond with them, why she retreated. He rushed something that should not be rushed and encroached on a previously treasured place and tradition. That said, men and women DO think differently. I can see (I think) that he was using the tradition to try and build the bond, maybe include his passed wife as "part" of the family still. I don't think it was malicious. Misguided more likely.
Asri 5 days ago
I agree. I don't think he understood how it would affect her, and she may have asked but at 10 she probably wasn't explaining why very well. But telling her daughter to just get over an old traumatic memory? That's AH territory.
Load More Replies... Kate Johnson 5 days ago (edited)
Another self absorbed father who wants his child to "play happy family" for him and not annoy him with their actual feelings about anything. It's ALL about how THEY feel and what their kids feel couldn't possibly be more irrelevant. If the kids don't go along, they will be punished. I'd consider being out of contact with him a boon.
Ge Po 4 days ago
It sounds like, having this one Christmas together, would have been part of her having a proper goodbye to her mom. Her and her dad, as a unit, before more people got into the mix. If you do not get the chance to mourn the departure of your lost ones, you are at risk of lbocking your heart, which makes it all the more difficult to make new relationships. Yes, he lost his wife, which must have been hard, but OP was only 8 and lost her mom only 2 years ago. You can't force bonds between people. They have to grow naturally, or they may never grow roots.
Load More Replies... moggiemoo 4 days ago
"Listen kid. Your mum's dead, forget her. Here's your new mum, love her." Even if it's unintentional, daddy's a massive AH.
Ashtophet 4 days ago
I was about to say the same thing, “I replaced my wife, why can’t you replace your mother?” Gross.
Load More Replies... Zig Zag Wanderer 5 days ago
OP does not need to apologise. Their father needs to apologise for not recognising their feelings even after a full explanation.
Ellinor she/they/elle 5 days ago (edited)
OP is NTA. She lost her mother at a very young age and just 2 years later the dad got another wife and stepkids. It was all very quick to OP (no judgement on the dad's choices from my part regarding his second marriage but it would be fast for a child like OP was) and she needed a moment with just her father and mother. She asked the dad to be alone, he agreed. BUT he ended up making everyone join, breaking his promise made to OP. He is the AH for that, and for getting mad at her for her very valid feelings regarding that memory.
Emilu 5 days ago
Uh, nope. The father is trying to turn his bad behaviour into gaslighting OP and making himself the victim. OP needs to take some time out to mourn how she wants and acknowledge that realistically she's also lost her father because he's a selfish POS. I really feel for OP here.
FreeTheUnicorn 5 days ago
Dad is the AH, then and now but he's not going to change so if OP wants to keep a relationship, she has to decide what she's willing to do
Carrie de Luka 4 days ago
I'd not bother. That's not a relationship worth having. He didn't think about a sad 10 year old missing their mother and did what HE wanted. There was plenty of future opportunities for him to spend Christmas with the new family. He then refuses to acknowledge that they have different memories. He's an absolute AH and is going to remain an absolute AH. Why waste any more effort?
Load More Replies... The_Nicest_Misanthrope 4 days ago
Totally self absorbed d**k move by the dad. Especially after OP specifically asked for it just to be the two of them.
Bobby 4 days ago
Dad is allowed to love that memory. She is allowed to hate it. Dad is TA for getting upset she doesn't want to hear it anymore. "I'm sorry you don't like that memory. It's not going to change my feelings on it, but I will stop talking about it around you" it's just that simple
Beth Wheeler 4 days ago
I just want to give this girl a big hug & a couple of dry shoulders if needed. I really want to tell her Daddy that he really screwed up & needs to acknowledge it. It sounds like he was dating about a yr after his wife died and married in under 2 yesterday. He could have talked to his new wife about doing this 1 thing for his little girl for Christmas for a little while 1 day. Even if it was a week before Christmas it would have meant the world to HIS little girl. The rest of Christmas they would have been together with little or no problems. I wonder how his wife treated her from the beginning. She should think about therapy to help her deal with all of this. Telling her to get over herself, seriously dude WTH?
Fellfromthemoon 2 days ago (edited)
It is not about what happened 11 years ago, but how the father brings it up, while OP doesn't want to hear it again and again. Let's say one of my fondest memories is something deeply disturbing for you. Will you tell me at the third encounter to just shut the fork up? Yes, you will. Yes, you are polite and will choose nicer words at the first time, but you will ask me to not repeat anymore. And I'll be pretty much TA, if I tell you the same story at the fourth time.
Jack 3 days ago
Dad was so clueless “it’s important to cement family bonds” What do you think your kid was trying to do by having a solo moment with you???? That’s exactly what the kid was trying to do, cement a bond between JUST the two of you! But you were so insecure and needy, you wanted the past erased as quickly as possible, and in that moment you likely erased your bond with your kid. Men can be so CLUMSY with emotions.
Nils Skirnir 4 days ago
OP’s dad got all he wanted; unloaded an ill wife, became a widower, and got a brand new one. Thus, he’s keen to forget everything and wants to play nice with his new current squeeze. Fact that he was remarried within two years says it all. Poor girl
Doodles1983 5 days ago
Dad is a soft AH. And that Christmas Eve error, forcing new family, is probably why OP feels no family bond with them, why she retreated. He rushed something that should not be rushed and encroached on a previously treasured place and tradition. That said, men and women DO think differently. I can see (I think) that he was using the tradition to try and build the bond, maybe include his passed wife as "part" of the family still. I don't think it was malicious. Misguided more likely.
Asri 5 days ago
I agree. I don't think he understood how it would affect her, and she may have asked but at 10 she probably wasn't explaining why very well. But telling her daughter to just get over an old traumatic memory? That's AH territory.
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