“I Told Her That Was Not An Appropriate Outfit”: Dad Doesn’t Take His Daughter To A Wedding Because Of Her Dress
College years are a time you’re probably not BFFs with your parents. And if you’re staying at their place, the chances are there will be a lot of arguing, disagreement and tension.
This story from a dad of a 19-year-old, Jill, a community college student, documents one such instance when the family was getting ready for a cousin’s wedding. “The dress code was semi-formal so men were expected to wear suits and women in dresses,” dad added in his post.
It turns out, Jill was “taking her sweet time getting ready” as dad was nagging her to go, until she showed up wearing “some kind of black, spaghetti strap halter top thing with leggings” and ready to go. As you may suspect, dad was far from impressed and conflict quickly escalated from here. Scroll down through the full story below and be sure to share your thoughts on the incident!
This dad has recently shared a conflict he had with his daughter who wanted to wear a halter top and leggings to her cousin’s semi-formal wedding
Image credits: David Vilches (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda reached out to the dad behind this story who told us that he received a lot of positive feedback, but also a fair amount of negative as well. “I will admit that maybe my initial approach to the situation was harsh, but I stand by my decisions,” he added.
Image credits: papabearaita
The dad continued that “with all 3 of our daughters we have always strived to have an open and honest dialogue about all things. Sometimes this works better than others, as seen in this case. Because we work hard to build trust and honesty with our kids, we don’t have a lot of disagreements.” He concluded that teenagers are gonna be teenagers and emotions run hot sometimes.
And this is what people had to comment on this whole situation
Image credits: Bored505Girl
Image credits: papabearaita
Image credits: romwe
A semi-formal dress code for a wedding: what is it?
It’s no secret that couples silently pray their wedding guests will get the dress code right. Because even if the invitation has it all laid loud and clear, the chances are some guests may find it rather complicated to stick to it. And how can you judge them? Deciding what to wear for such a huge event is not easy in the first place, especially if an invitation says the dress code is “semi-formal.”
For anyone who’s wondering, semi-formal attire calls for a more relaxed look than what’s required at a formal black-tie event. It’s commonly used to let the wedding guests know that they should wear something nice but they are not required to purchase or rent an expensive gown or tuxedo.
According to Brides.com, floor-length gowns are beyond what the semi-formal dress code requires. Women guests might better opt for a cocktail dress or a polished set. Moreover, semi-formal also translates to shorter hemlines, bold prints, or elevated separates like a festive top paired with tailored dress pants.
On the other hand, a semi-formal dress code doesn’t mean you should wear an out-of-the-ordinary outfit. “Focus on the level of refinement versus the type of clothing,” Kaila Rudolph, head of merchandising at Brideside, suggests. “A killer jumpsuit or tailored pantsuit with refined accessories can have the same impact as a cocktail dress or even a long, flowy gown. Flirty details like ruffles, sleeves, slits, or high-low hemlines also work,” she suggested.
Everything points to the fact she didn't want to go to that wedding to begin with. Understandable, especially if she isn't close to anyone at the wedding and just tags along because her parents are invited. The way she handled it, of course, is unacceptable. She could just say she doesn't want to go.
I got the same vibe. Maybe they would have thrown a snit-fit if she was honest about it though.
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Uh.... Maybe I'm old school. If my 19 year old, who is living in my home, started arguing with me about attending a semi formal wedding dressed inappropriately and called me a jerk or any other name, she would be finding a new place to live. You do not disrespect your parents like that, especially in their own home.
Thank you! I completely agree. She's an adult and needs to act like one. Edit: I'm seventeen so not sure if you're all that old school.
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I think he definitely made the right call not to drive her there. He doesn't need to abet her in insulting her cousin and embarrassing herself and her family. However, I also wish he'd stuck with the issue of the semi-formal dress code and not veered off into the fact that the clothes were "revealing". In this case the judgment of it being too revealing seems to come down to it being skin-tight rather than showing a lot of skin. A close-fitting dress with thin straps, or even no straps, would fit the dress code just fine, as long as the fabric was something more upscale. Getting on her for it being revealing rather than it being just way, way too casual gets into body-policing territory when it doesn't seem like that was the main issue.
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One day years from now at her wedding let's hope her cousin shows up dressed inappropriately and then maybe then she'll understand the error in her decision here.
I don't think dad would have thought any differently if she'd decided to wear sweats and slippers. It's about dressing appropriately for the event.
It's her choice as to what she wants to wear, however inappropriate. But it's also the dad's choice not to drive her. So I'm on the dad's side of this.
Semi formal does not mean you have to wear a dress these days but it does still mean you have to dress up. No leggings and not a lot of skin.
I was going to say that she is 19 so he should have her make her own choices, but really? Going to wear leggings to a semi-formal wedding? Think he did her a favor by saving her from embarrassment. It is just not that hard to dress up for one day. People do notice that you didn't put forth effort on the behalf of someone else. It is just incredibly rude.
Eh. I think the mom was right. She didn't make derogatory statements about the choice of dress itself ("she was hitting the club" attire), just pointed out that the dress code said it was semi-formal and that outfit wasn't appropriate for that venue. It was a diplomatic way to handle it that wasn't shaming her outfit choice in general, but in that specific situation. The dad wasn't wrong, per se, but he could have handled it better, and the daughter should have known in the first place, so neither of them handled it well.
OP was correct that he shouldn't drive his daughter to the wedding dressed like that, but I don't think that makes this so clear that he's NTA. His daughter thought he was a jerk and his wife thought he was overbearing. Listen to them, because they are the ones who live with him. It sounds to me, reading between the lines, that the wife spoke more clearly, used gentler language, and offered something constructive, while still agreeing the teen couldn't wear that outfit. That's what makes her NTA. If the dad was an overbearing jerk about it, he was TA even though he was right.
There wasn't a blouse, jacket or sweater she could have thrown on to make it look less night clubish. Maybe if she shoveled her floor into the washing machine every once in a while she'd have something to wear. You did nothing wrong by drawing the line and letting her know that she was dressed inappropriately.
Ehhhhh....the girl is 19. She's responsible for her own choices. If she didn't live with you and showed up in that outfit, what would you do then? I think the mom started out right, offering to help her find something better suited for the occasion. Telling the daughter the outfit isn't appropriate, here's why, and then let the consequences fall. She'll probably feel uncomfortable at the wedding. If anyone says anything to the parents, say "she's 19, I don't control her clothing choices."
The only situation where OP would be the AH in my opinion is if they weren't going to a formal event. If it was something like going shopping, yes OP would be the AH (at least from my view). If I wasnt told the daughters age, I would think she was a 12/13 year old, but nope, She's 19
NTA. Everything else aside, the premise “if people care more about her dress than the bride, that’s their problem” is incorrect. Because the person these people will complain to is exactly the bride or the groom, who are already nervous about whether everything will go to plan, trying to remember the schedule and not to forget rings/vows/how to walk, and the last thing they need to deal with is people tattling to them about someone’s clothing. So just for their sake, if you have troubles sticking to the dress code, stay home.
This has all the hallmarks of an ongoing battle of wills between the two. I imagine this is only one battle, and it was put in a pretty frame by the dad. I imagine they were both being butts.
Sounds like her intention was to upstage the bride and draw attention to herself perhaps.
I like the wife's attempt to be the good & reasonable one, in a eat your cake & have it approach. She shares his view but wants to be Good Cop, ruining his 'line in the sand' approach by making the girl think 'mom will talk dad into it'. So girl angry at both, but probably especially mom for speaking with a forked tongue.
Usually I respond to these NTA, but, seriously, this time YTA. Your daughter is 19, you have no right to police what she wears, take your high and mighty "i'll tell a woman what to wear" attitude and shove it. You going to tell her to choose pads over tampons next? That she needs to become thinner, vegan, a ballerina? If she chose to dress like an idiot, she would have been turned away from the wedding, then she would have just looked like an immature child, but your actions have trumped your daughter's immaturity, you were the absolute child here. My grandfather did this to me when I was 16, I wore a dress down to my ankles that had my shoulders bare ONLY. He refused to leave the house with me, to this day that still cuts me. You damaged her self confidence and made it clear a man should make a womans decisions for her. Get over yourself and grow up. Your wife is also a wimp in not standing up to you. I'd have slapped you the moment I heard you speak to our daughter like that.
You kinda undermined your argument by showing yourself as a hateful violent person. No wonder no one likes you.
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This whole story is stupid Dress code is semi formal Not slutty formal Can’t we be family and act normal!
Dad was within his rights, but it's kind of a shame he stuck to his guns. Weddings are incredibly boring, and he deprived everyone of a good conversation starter. I mean, you're stuck at a table with some relatives you haven't seen in years and some people from the groom's side, and you don't dare mention politics or religion, so what is there to talk about except the girl in the inappropriate outfit?
Good thing slapping is illegal in many countries. And a 19 year old is an adult and even in countries like the US, that still have backwards child protective laws - no parents gets to slap their adult daughter.
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She could take an Uber if she didn't want to change her clothes. The invitation was semi-formal, (not suit and tie--she could have found something more appropriate. Only a D**k would show up dressed "however you want."
Load More Replies... Seriously, you must not understand what semi-formal means. It's disrespectful to the bride and everyone else who gave a crap and wore something decent.
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Sorry mate but you're the only one. Weddings are for the most part formal events and if you're unwilling to follow the dress code don't show up.
Load More Replies... Everything points to the fact she didn't want to go to that wedding to begin with. Understandable, especially if she isn't close to anyone at the wedding and just tags along because her parents are invited. The way she handled it, of course, is unacceptable. She could just say she doesn't want to go.
I got the same vibe. Maybe they would have thrown a snit-fit if she was honest about it though.
Load More Replies... Uh.... Maybe I'm old school. If my 19 year old, who is living in my home, started arguing with me about attending a semi formal wedding dressed inappropriately and called me a jerk or any other name, she would be finding a new place to live. You do not disrespect your parents like that, especially in their own home.
Thank you! I completely agree. She's an adult and needs to act like one. Edit: I'm seventeen so not sure if you're all that old school.
Load More Replies... I think he definitely made the right call not to drive her there. He doesn't need to abet her in insulting her cousin and embarrassing herself and her family. However, I also wish he'd stuck with the issue of the semi-formal dress code and not veered off into the fact that the clothes were "revealing". In this case the judgment of it being too revealing seems to come down to it being skin-tight rather than showing a lot of skin. A close-fitting dress with thin straps, or even no straps, would fit the dress code just fine, as long as the fabric was something more upscale. Getting on her for it being revealing rather than it being just way, way too casual gets into body-policing territory when it doesn't seem like that was the main issue.
Load More Replies... One day years from now at her wedding let's hope her cousin shows up dressed inappropriately and then maybe then she'll understand the error in her decision here.
I don't think dad would have thought any differently if she'd decided to wear sweats and slippers. It's about dressing appropriately for the event.
It's her choice as to what she wants to wear, however inappropriate. But it's also the dad's choice not to drive her. So I'm on the dad's side of this.
Semi formal does not mean you have to wear a dress these days but it does still mean you have to dress up. No leggings and not a lot of skin.
I was going to say that she is 19 so he should have her make her own choices, but really? Going to wear leggings to a semi-formal wedding? Think he did her a favor by saving her from embarrassment. It is just not that hard to dress up for one day. People do notice that you didn't put forth effort on the behalf of someone else. It is just incredibly rude.
Eh. I think the mom was right. She didn't make derogatory statements about the choice of dress itself ("she was hitting the club" attire), just pointed out that the dress code said it was semi-formal and that outfit wasn't appropriate for that venue. It was a diplomatic way to handle it that wasn't shaming her outfit choice in general, but in that specific situation. The dad wasn't wrong, per se, but he could have handled it better, and the daughter should have known in the first place, so neither of them handled it well.
OP was correct that he shouldn't drive his daughter to the wedding dressed like that, but I don't think that makes this so clear that he's NTA. His daughter thought he was a jerk and his wife thought he was overbearing. Listen to them, because they are the ones who live with him. It sounds to me, reading between the lines, that the wife spoke more clearly, used gentler language, and offered something constructive, while still agreeing the teen couldn't wear that outfit. That's what makes her NTA. If the dad was an overbearing jerk about it, he was TA even though he was right.
There wasn't a blouse, jacket or sweater she could have thrown on to make it look less night clubish. Maybe if she shoveled her floor into the washing machine every once in a while she'd have something to wear. You did nothing wrong by drawing the line and letting her know that she was dressed inappropriately.
Ehhhhh....the girl is 19. She's responsible for her own choices. If she didn't live with you and showed up in that outfit, what would you do then? I think the mom started out right, offering to help her find something better suited for the occasion. Telling the daughter the outfit isn't appropriate, here's why, and then let the consequences fall. She'll probably feel uncomfortable at the wedding. If anyone says anything to the parents, say "she's 19, I don't control her clothing choices."
The only situation where OP would be the AH in my opinion is if they weren't going to a formal event. If it was something like going shopping, yes OP would be the AH (at least from my view). If I wasnt told the daughters age, I would think she was a 12/13 year old, but nope, She's 19
NTA. Everything else aside, the premise “if people care more about her dress than the bride, that’s their problem” is incorrect. Because the person these people will complain to is exactly the bride or the groom, who are already nervous about whether everything will go to plan, trying to remember the schedule and not to forget rings/vows/how to walk, and the last thing they need to deal with is people tattling to them about someone’s clothing. So just for their sake, if you have troubles sticking to the dress code, stay home.
This has all the hallmarks of an ongoing battle of wills between the two. I imagine this is only one battle, and it was put in a pretty frame by the dad. I imagine they were both being butts.
Sounds like her intention was to upstage the bride and draw attention to herself perhaps.
I like the wife's attempt to be the good & reasonable one, in a eat your cake & have it approach. She shares his view but wants to be Good Cop, ruining his 'line in the sand' approach by making the girl think 'mom will talk dad into it'. So girl angry at both, but probably especially mom for speaking with a forked tongue.
Usually I respond to these NTA, but, seriously, this time YTA. Your daughter is 19, you have no right to police what she wears, take your high and mighty "i'll tell a woman what to wear" attitude and shove it. You going to tell her to choose pads over tampons next? That she needs to become thinner, vegan, a ballerina? If she chose to dress like an idiot, she would have been turned away from the wedding, then she would have just looked like an immature child, but your actions have trumped your daughter's immaturity, you were the absolute child here. My grandfather did this to me when I was 16, I wore a dress down to my ankles that had my shoulders bare ONLY. He refused to leave the house with me, to this day that still cuts me. You damaged her self confidence and made it clear a man should make a womans decisions for her. Get over yourself and grow up. Your wife is also a wimp in not standing up to you. I'd have slapped you the moment I heard you speak to our daughter like that.
You kinda undermined your argument by showing yourself as a hateful violent person. No wonder no one likes you.
Load More Replies... This whole story is stupid Dress code is semi formal Not slutty formal Can’t we be family and act normal!
Dad was within his rights, but it's kind of a shame he stuck to his guns. Weddings are incredibly boring, and he deprived everyone of a good conversation starter. I mean, you're stuck at a table with some relatives you haven't seen in years and some people from the groom's side, and you don't dare mention politics or religion, so what is there to talk about except the girl in the inappropriate outfit?
Good thing slapping is illegal in many countries. And a 19 year old is an adult and even in countries like the US, that still have backwards child protective laws - no parents gets to slap their adult daughter.
Load More Replies... She could take an Uber if she didn't want to change her clothes. The invitation was semi-formal, (not suit and tie--she could have found something more appropriate. Only a D**k would show up dressed "however you want."
Load More Replies... Seriously, you must not understand what semi-formal means. It's disrespectful to the bride and everyone else who gave a crap and wore something decent.
Load More Replies... Sorry mate but you're the only one. Weddings are for the most part formal events and if you're unwilling to follow the dress code don't show up.
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