“Am I The Jerk For Expecting My Daughter To Stick To Our Chores-For-Rent Deal?”
It’s not easy to make it in this economy as a young adult. Especially on your own.
Soaring rent prices, student loan debt, the increasing cost of living, and other challenges demand strategic planning and, in many cases, help from others.
However, father and Reddit user NoDivide4576 thinks instilling resilience in his daughter is more important than accommodating her now that she is of age.
The man took to the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘ to explain his stance, but, to his surprise, many disagreed, sparking a heated debate on parenting, responsibilities, and support.
A father insists on his daughter taking care of his home in exchange for rent-free living
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
But many people believe that he’s being too strict
Image credits: Unseen Studio / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freestocks / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: NoDivide4576
Bored Panda’s parenting expert, as well as award-winning TV broadcaster and author Vicki Broadbent, believes the man behind the Reddit post could take a step back.
Image credits: Joseph Sinclair
“I think the dad in question should compromise and not expect daily childcare i.e. cooking and cleaning of him and his younger children,” Vicki Broadbent, who runs the acclaimed family lifestyle blog Honest Mum told Bored Panda.
The author of Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (US and Canada) said “While teaching his daughter an important money lesson, he chose to support her through college, and as parents we make sacrifices and support our children where possible.”
But “College is stressful and a part-time job might not take as much time as what is requested of her from her father. Perhaps cooking and cleaning collaboratively would seem more fair. If I were her, I would prefer a part-time job in this scenario.”
“I think it’s wonderful to live with relatives but you all require boundaries to succeed, compromises must be made and regular communication is key so problems can be aired and ideally solved so relationships stay healthy and strong,” Broadbent, who is a mother of three herself, added.
While the practice is widespread, living with your parents is still frowned upon
Image credits: Joshua Rawson-Harris / unsplash (not the actual photo)
In many places, multigenerational living has been on the rise in recent decades.
For example, as Americans cope with rising student debt and housing costs, a quarter of U.S. adults ages 25 to 34 resided in a multigenerational family household in 2021, up from 9% in 1971.
The growth has been especially pronounced among those without a college degree. Multigenerational living has tripled among this group, compared with doubling among young adults with at least a bachelor’s degree.
(In 1971, the prevalence of multigenerational living among young adults was similar regardless of educational attainment, but by 2021, 31% of young adults who had not finished college were in a multigenerational arrangement – almost double the share of their peers who had completed at least a bachelor’s degree [16%].)
As was the case with this Reddit story, financial issues are a major reason why adults live in multigenerational households — young adults who have not completed at least a bachelor’s degree tend to earn substantially less than those who have, if they even get the opportunity to work.
And while over a third of Americans (36%) say that more young adults living with their parents is bad for society (only 16% claim it’s good), young adults in much of Europe are even more likely than their U.S. counterparts to live in their parents’ home.
In 24 European countries studied, more than one in three adults ages 18 to 34 were staying at their folks’. That includes more than seven in ten in Croatia (77%), Greece (73%), Portugal (72%), Serbia (71%), and Italy (71%).
Moving out and living on your own is often seen as a marker of adulthood, but what to do when you’ve been dealt a bad hand, with pandemic lockdowns, inflation, soaring student debt levels, and a shaky job market?
Temporary “staying behind” — living with your parents and saving up — is what many young adults need to get ahead.
As his post went viral, the father clarified a few things
Still, he was condemned by virtually everyone who read his story
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8 and 10 is old enough to make themselves cereal or toast for breakfast. They may need a bit of help occasionally but you are absolutely disadvantaging those boys from learning life skills.
I guarantee that if the younger siblings were girls, they'd be making their own breakfasts.
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I don't care my daughter burns out and does less in college because other people have it worse. Somebody give this dude a father of the year award
"A lot of people would rather be in this position"... Ha, the good old argument that some people are having it worse, so you should be happy with bad. NOPE
She doesn't have to pay anything for her studies. As far as I know many, many, many people would love to be in her place. You can clean the house on the weekend easily, and don't even have to cook every day only half the week.
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He told on himself when he said that she went "behind his back" to talk to her aunt. She's 20, she can talk to whoever she wants without having to ask him. He knows he's TA, he just doesn't like his family to call out his b******t. Studying IS work. Why can't the 10 year old help? Because he's a boy?
Cook and clean. Not a few meals a week but a whole household and cooking. Yes, he is the A Hole. Give her some slack ffs. He doesn't want to pay for a housekeeper and a babysitter as well. I bet he's at work when the young boys come home from school so she has to babysit as well. A Hole is too nice but other words I want to use will get me banned. grrrrrrrrrr
I feel it's very telling that he is single. He basically made his daughter take over his late wife's household duties. He just doesn't want to take care of his other kids by himself. His reasoning is bull. I was in the worse situation and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Just because I suffered through having to put myself through college with no help (spent 4 years in the military to pay for it), work a part time job and volunteer at an animal shelter (needed since I was pre-vet) doesn't mean I think others should have to suffer the same way.
Load More Replies... Father doesn't love his daughter. He doesn't care if she gets an education or how she will live in the future. Perhaps he is subconsciously taking revenge on her for her mother. The girl needs to find other housing; she is not welcome in this house. It will only get worse.
Well, one can imagine why the mother don't want to be in the picture anymore.
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This is a repost of a post from a few years ago that blew up. The daughter moved out and in with her aunt. It's an almost word by word repost, down to the edits and comments. The father was stubborn till the end and even complained that she moved out and to her aunt where she only had to help out and not be a live in maid and nanny
So YTA. The daughter has a full time job, it’s going to school, not being the family servant. OP is one of those parents who chucks the kid out at 18 and begrudges every dime spent on them. Newsflash: decent parents let their kids live at home while they are doing their undergrad without paying rent unless they are financially desperate.Yes, daughter should help with the chores like everyone in the house (kids 8 and 10 can certainly help too, even with simple cooking. They can do dishes and clean too) but she isn’t the maid and shame on op for treating her like one.
I love your "no true Scotsman" statement. It is entirely possible to be a decent, even a great parent without paying for their support until at least age 22 (assuming a 4 year undergrad degree). And does your statement apply to graduate, Master's, doctorate, and post- doctorate as well? Adulthood in our culture for a neural typical person starts at the age of 18, so at what point is it appropriate as a "decent parent" to stop financially supporting you children and support them in all the ways you support a responsible adult? Or do you think we should raise the age of majority in our country to 26 so our young adults can get an even easier start? By the way, it's possible to financially support your children throughout their higher education and be a really crummy parent.
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I don't know about anyone else but if my son needed to come home, I would not be making demands of him beyond keeping the place tidy etc. I would not be charging rent or be expecting him to cook, clean etc. Sorry but I cannot get this mindset that this dad has towards his daughter.
Parents, you have a responsibility. Not just until they become 18, but for life. You agreed to this by having a kid. Sure, making them do some chores is good, as it teaches responsibility, but the parents need to do the majority of them.
I had it hard growing up so I’m going to make sure my daughter has it just as hard.
Or maybe "I learned a lot about getting through hard times and budgeting my resources by doing this and I believe it to be a valid and valuable experience. I'm here in case it falls apart so it's an experience that doesn't have to be painful"
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i hAd tO do ThAt wHeN i WAs yOunG sounds awful. Supporting yourself 30 years ago is NOT what it is today. I had: a job making ~$9/hour, full time. That is about $18,000/year, before taxes. After taxes it was about $16k. That's about $1300/month. And my rent, plus utilities, was almost half that, but i made do. Try living on one's own now, with barely-above minimum wages.
He's clueless! He says "at her age I was going to school full time and was paying full rent without help from my family". Does this guy not understand the difference in the economy in his day and now? Perhaps he needs to take a good hard look, a VERY HARD LOOK, at the situation! I'm sick to death of reading comments from people my age, a little younger and older who are clueless about the costs of housing and how little people are paid today in relation to how they were paid back then. He needs a wake up call on that alone. His daughter is not only a maid for her father, but her two brothers. She's also a cook. Now he's threatening her with a part time status as maid and having a part time job or getting a full time job with her studies. Why is he deliberately setting her up to fail? Why does he have so little respect for her? What an AH!
My 9 and 11 year old boys make their own dinner when I'm not feeling up to it. This dad is ridiculous.
They also have a daily list of chores they keep up with daily, play sports, and still have plenty of time for video games and other things they enjoy. I don't care if dad is her father, I agree with the Cinderella and evil step mother comment lol
Load More Replies... Our man here really is oblivious to how much time cooking and cleaning takes up. I'm a guy who lives alone, and at takes a considerable amount of time just to do theaw thibgs for myself, but whenever I visit my girlfriend or she comes over, chores from cleaning, washing laundry, cooking, just increases immediately. And that's two adults, not two adults and two children. Op's TA.
All the responses were like "YTA" and he still didn't want to change the situation. What a crappy dad. She should go live with her aunt.
It seems like she did and got mad that she had the gall to do it.
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I was wavering for most of it. But man does this guy really not get it, especially that last line. When he was able to afford to work and rent on his own at her age, the price of literally everything was no where near as unlivable as it is now. I don't mind the deal he had in theory. It's reasonable to do. But his boys are easily capable of feeding themselves and need to start helping around the house. Even without your daughter around, they need to do that. And any chore deal needs to flexible. Cooking shouldn't even be on the list as it has expectations she be home at a specific day/time. Some nights she may have classes or need to study. These chores need to be doable when she has time to do them.
YTA after reading the extra information. She should have zero responsibility cleaning up after her brothers. She should not have to cook breakfast at all and stop enabling those boys to be incompetent at cooking. My son is 11, he has been able to cook dippy eggs and toast, KD, Mr noodles, and a few other things solo for a few years now let alone grab a muffin or cereal. I think cooking dinner x4/week is fine. I'd like to see the house cleaning expectations you've set out too, regardless those boys should be able to tidy up themselves at 8 and 10. You are coming off as sexist and you're making your boys helpless.
“When I was her age … “ Yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds like the old “I had to walk 5 miles to school in the snow in my bare feet” routine. Just because the dad had it hard doesn’t give him a license to make it hard for his daughter. And the two boys are old enough to start learning the basics of cooking — that’s the age girls start. This guy sounds like a real mysoginist.
I was working full time swing shifts, college full time and National Guard duties. That was a huge load for me and didn't leave much time for my studies. My grades suffered for it. I didn't have time for friends either. I could make macaroni and cheese at age 10. It would be different if she wasn't going to school, but the 8 and 10 your old is your responsibility to feed. Some chores are fine, but her cooking that many times a week is excessive.
He should not be at all surprised when she decides to move out and go NC with him.
Why do so many families make everything a fight? I have three kids. Two are adults that live at home. They do not pay rent because this is their home. I'm not going to charge them to live in their own home. They have jobs, and they cover their own bills. When my daughter was between jobs, we let her pause her bills. It is more important that the kids are able to save money than us forcing some life "lesson" on them by insisting they pay rent and struggle. They know what they need to do but things can get hard, and I'm not going to make it harder on them. They're responsible people. They also do things around the house when they see they need done. No one has to ask. They also cook meals when they have an idea of something they want to make. One of my sons loves making homemade pizza and does it about twice a month. They make meals and keep the house clean because they live here too. It's their home. They don't do it out of obligation or because it is demanded of them.
So it's ok for Dad to work and come home and spend it free time how he likes but his daughter isn't allowed to cook 1 or 2 days less and has to clean on top of that to improve grades for schooling HES paying for?? I don't think the the A in YTA is strong enough for this one.
He is absolutely a c**p parent and a lazy one. What does he do after getting off work but sit around in a clean house with a “home cooked” meal he didn’t make? likely he didn’t cook breakfast and dinner daily for his sons before daughter moved back. He’s taking advantage. No doubt in my mind when his sons reach college age they won’t be required to cook dinner every night and do all the housework either because they’re boys. Easy to spend SOMEONE ELSE’S time because it’s not yours. She should be 100 percent focused on school and he should be supporting her doing the best for her future not the bare minimum. He may be paying for college for her but he’s wasting that money if she doesn’t do well. They should share the household responsibilities, and get those boys involved. F*** I had a neighbourhood lawn cutting service by age 8 and cleaned whole house with siblings and made simple meals by age 10. He’s coddling his sons and burning out his daughter. Trash dad.
I ended up quitting a similar situation. Turns out when someone else is doing the cleaning, somme people stop picking up after themselves *at all*, and way up their standards. Suddenly you are constantly cleaning, cooking, ironing. I quit, got a different job that was way less work and defined off hours, and they hired a cleaning service twice a month for way more money and the house is usually a mess. Some family take advantage and think it's fair.
I'm in college right now and last semester failed two classes cause of all the work. I could never image doing my 500 word weekly essays, 3+ projects and, 4 quizzes again all weekly while fixing breakfast and dinner and cleaning the whole house every day. This semester is not as heavy but I could have failed for missing one day for an emergency surgery. I'd hate to be so bombarded with work that I get 3 hours to study. This guy is more then an a hole he's a dead beat in my opinion. A cr@p parent. Also at age 6 I was cooking for myself and a 4 year old. so a 10 year old can make a bowl of cereal and a PBJ for him and his brother for crying out loud.
Who would be doing the cooking and cleaning if the daughter wasn't there? Do he and the kids contribute to the housekeeping, or just the house messing? If this is how he treated his wife, no wonder she left.
I know I have seen some 10 year-olds cooking on master Chef Junior and those type of shows, and they cook far better than me.
You have a leverage and decide to turn the crank. Not nice. A daughter is not an employee or a tenant.
"at her age I was going to school and paid rent by myself with no help from parents" Yea because the cost of living was much lower then! Don't be a dunce and realise you are setting your daughter up for failure here! You are the parent, you are SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN, ALL OF THEM!!!! Listen to her
She's 20 yrs old by the time I was 20 I had 3 kids done classes and kept the house clean and kids fed and part time job what your asking of ur daughter is completely reasonable and do-able ..but just to ensure she has time for studies pop tarts or cereal for breakfast sandwiches or hotdogs for lunch the other kids can pitch in and clean up after themselves mine did by the time they were able to walk we had clean up games. If u don't teach them to clean up now they're going to be entitled slobs as adult
I was on the fence until his last line about how "back in his day, bootstraps!" Nope. Hard hard nope. YTA for not even listening to his daughter. School now and school then are VERY different. Not to mention the economic situation.
To the father of the daughter who requires her to work in the home in order to live there and go to college - definitely NTA! Ever heard of room & board? I guess NO ONE who reads this column has. After all, it IS the "entitled" generation plus. Pay for My college, My rent, My food and this after 18 years of paying for everything as a good parent should. But actually the better question is why is she not working and paying for her own college? Many, many kids have done and do all the time. All the people saying otherwise are part of this nation's very severe problem with today's young people.
The 8 & 10 year old should be able to make their own basic breakfasts (& yes, even know how the stove works to make basic things like eggs & hot cereal), tidying up after themselves & the good of the house & doing their own laundry. I knew how to do all that by both their ages & even wanted to mow the lawn but needed help w/ the pull start (which I would very rarely get help w/, ugh. So I kept trying until I could do it myself). And... I was thrilled to feed our farm animals on my own & even did it for fun.
10 and 8 are old enough to do dishes at least n make cereal for breakfast. Im in college (grad school) and some days YES the work gets to be very demanding. Ex. One class wanted you to check in for online discussions 2 days a week (one to post another to reply) and thats IF your class post timely for you to reply (many times they didn't until last day) so thatd be checking in 7 days to make sure you can do it. Its stressful af. So yea cut her slack. Hell even my 9-5 job tespects my workload enough to let me have 2-3 days off a week to do schoolwork
She is an adult and op is paying all the bills, including her college! The deal is fair. If she doesnt like it, she is free to move out, pay her own rent, food, utilities and college. It is not a sin to make your adult children be responsible! YNTAH! In very big letters!!
If she fails her classes because of the workload that "daddy dearest" has placed on her as a "deal" for staying at home while going to college full time that he's paying for, who's losing tons of money? Tell me you're clueless without telling me you're clueless.
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I'm a full time college student and my studying and schooling takes sometimes 11 hours a day. Exactly where does that leave time for a job? I clean some but I couldn't imagine a father willingly doing that to his daughter.
I worked full time and went to school full time (paid my own way), and paid my parents a token rent. I resented it then, but appreciate what they did for me now. I'd have killed for the easy deal she has.
Honestly I think a lot of you haven't asked enough questions and are fast to vilify this father. For one thing, how many credits is she taking? 3? 16? That will make a huge difference. Also, if she wasn't living with her father (who I also gather is paying for her tuition) where would she be and at what stress level in relation to school/life? Do I think she should earn her way instead of having it handed to her? I don't know, but I'd be willing to bet she'd make more of her opportunities if they weren't just offered up. Finally, she's 20, not a child, at 18 (17 with a little paperwork) we put guns into hands and ask kids to fight wars so maybe this isn't as big a deal as folks are making it. People parent in their style and what works in one home isn't right for every home.
So, here's my deal. 8 and 10 is old enough to manage an easy breakfast and some chores. However school can be tough. Yet... F**k I'll cook rent free it's hell out here. For me ESH. If taking daughter in to help her save and get through college was the expectation, then maybe reducing the chores or taking out cooking breakfast for two capable kids is fair. If this was an expectation of equal exchange. The amount of chores that would have equaled rent needs to be fulfilled. I think father and daughter need a sit down and talk about things. A lot of people always aim for the "entitlement" excuse/blame. When it could be something more. Maybe the daughter is going through finals and is particularly stressed. Or the kids bother her study time. An open and honest (no talking to other people behind the others back) discussion needs to happen.
ABSOLUTELY NTA that's a sweet deal and realistically, needs to manage her time better. It's called a croc pot, use one. Everyone saying he's taking advantage of her and to listen to her??!!!... ummmm no. She's under his roof and still being supported by her dad, and needs to step up, if she's too tired to clean, then enlist her siblings to help. Failing that, get a job and pay rent, and at th same time, putting mre strain and pressure on her dad, all while slaving away at a job for a possible pittance and hvng to part wth that pay - so really, working n gtng nt as much as a result of it. Kids these days need to get a wake up call
Tell her that holding down a job for rent would take up even more time. Hinthint
NTA but you do need to make a concession. If your boys are 8 and 10 they certainly can get breakfast themselves, they should also be making their own lunches - that stops complaints about food. They can do dishes, take it in turns and they should be tidying their own rooms. No reason why they can't take it in turns to help prepare tea. My granddaughter was learning to cook at about 8yrs and doing her own laundry at 10. My son and daughter both used to cook. Son is a chef now and furthermore he NEVER STARVED while flatting . You're doing your boys a disservice if you don't insist they help their sister. They could have 2 nights a week where they cook tea. Even if it's homemade pizza and Mac n cheese.
Stick to your guns Dad. Your daughter has to learn sometime about responsibility. Most o the cleaning can be done on weekends and cooking doesn't take that much time.
YET HERE IN REALITY...the Dad is NTA. He's right. If his daughter (Hypothetically speaking) were Not living with Dad & 2 younger brothers meaning "out on her own" in her own place, she would have to have a Job (avg wage $14 - $20 hrly × 40 hrs wkly) in order to pay for: $1400 - $1700 Rent (avg for 1bdrm apartment) $200 - $350 Utilities $70 - $150 Phone/Internet $???? Transportation to & from work $???? Food ...Every Month! Even if she had a roommate to split that with, I highly doubt that she would be able to continue her studies with all of the aforementioned. To those who feel that Dad is the AH & being totally unfair to his daughter with a deal of 2-3 hours per day of cooking and cleaning is MORE THAN FAIR in exchange for rent! Think about it ppl! SHE AGREED TO THE DEAL! If she were out on her own, do you really think that her landlord would say, "Oh, you had to work less because of your studies so you can't pay the rent that you agreed to"? Please...🤨🤔🙄
I was expected to leave home once I finished college. I have lived on my own until my later 40s when I got married. I earned less as a college grad living on his own than I did when I was living at home in high school. This was the 70s when women started competing against men in the job market. These same women still expected men to be the provider if they want marriage and a family. We now approaching 2030 when half of the women will remain childless and single.
NTA if she had a job she would have even less time for her college work and studying. I went to school, had a job, and cooked and cleaned house at the age of 14. It didn't hurt me at all, it did make me appreciate what I had, taught me work ethics, time management and that I could provide for myself.
Uhhh, no. NTA. You are correct in stating that if you weren't helping her she would be working f/t, going to school, finding time to study, and doing all the cooking and cleaning in her own place. She agreed. And while it isn't unreasonable for one adult to approach another adult to request a discussion on modifying the terms of the original agreement,you are completely within your rights to decline her offer. Sorry people. This is adulthood. It does not matter if the OP was a natural parent or a step-parent. This is life. I also agree with Carol. The younger children aren't so young they can't pitch in. Otherwise, you’ll be having this same covo again in 10 yrs.
If he paid her rent to live by herself, wouldn’t she still have to cook and clean? I’d need more details on how long she’s expected to spend cleaning, etc, before forming a view.
But ahe is cleaning everyones messes and cooking for them too.
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When did a parent teaching their child self-reliance become a bad thing? And why should she live for free who lives for free anymore. She lives in the house with the family she should be contributing to that family. And to expect otherwise is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure that if she has an important exam the next day that she might be excused from cooking but if not so what. Not sure why people think their children should have a free ride but that's not teaching them a thing. And for her to complain about having a free ride at home like free room and board is very ungrateful. She could always move out if she doesn't want to do the things that contribute to the family. She has the right to move anytime she wants.
8 and 10 is old enough to make themselves cereal or toast for breakfast. They may need a bit of help occasionally but you are absolutely disadvantaging those boys from learning life skills.
I guarantee that if the younger siblings were girls, they'd be making their own breakfasts.
Load More Replies... I don't care my daughter burns out and does less in college because other people have it worse. Somebody give this dude a father of the year award
"A lot of people would rather be in this position"... Ha, the good old argument that some people are having it worse, so you should be happy with bad. NOPE
She doesn't have to pay anything for her studies. As far as I know many, many, many people would love to be in her place. You can clean the house on the weekend easily, and don't even have to cook every day only half the week.
Load More Replies... He told on himself when he said that she went "behind his back" to talk to her aunt. She's 20, she can talk to whoever she wants without having to ask him. He knows he's TA, he just doesn't like his family to call out his b******t. Studying IS work. Why can't the 10 year old help? Because he's a boy?
Cook and clean. Not a few meals a week but a whole household and cooking. Yes, he is the A Hole. Give her some slack ffs. He doesn't want to pay for a housekeeper and a babysitter as well. I bet he's at work when the young boys come home from school so she has to babysit as well. A Hole is too nice but other words I want to use will get me banned. grrrrrrrrrr
I feel it's very telling that he is single. He basically made his daughter take over his late wife's household duties. He just doesn't want to take care of his other kids by himself. His reasoning is bull. I was in the worse situation and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Just because I suffered through having to put myself through college with no help (spent 4 years in the military to pay for it), work a part time job and volunteer at an animal shelter (needed since I was pre-vet) doesn't mean I think others should have to suffer the same way.
Load More Replies... Father doesn't love his daughter. He doesn't care if she gets an education or how she will live in the future. Perhaps he is subconsciously taking revenge on her for her mother. The girl needs to find other housing; she is not welcome in this house. It will only get worse.
Well, one can imagine why the mother don't want to be in the picture anymore.
Load More Replies... This is a repost of a post from a few years ago that blew up. The daughter moved out and in with her aunt. It's an almost word by word repost, down to the edits and comments. The father was stubborn till the end and even complained that she moved out and to her aunt where she only had to help out and not be a live in maid and nanny
So YTA. The daughter has a full time job, it’s going to school, not being the family servant. OP is one of those parents who chucks the kid out at 18 and begrudges every dime spent on them. Newsflash: decent parents let their kids live at home while they are doing their undergrad without paying rent unless they are financially desperate.Yes, daughter should help with the chores like everyone in the house (kids 8 and 10 can certainly help too, even with simple cooking. They can do dishes and clean too) but she isn’t the maid and shame on op for treating her like one.
I love your "no true Scotsman" statement. It is entirely possible to be a decent, even a great parent without paying for their support until at least age 22 (assuming a 4 year undergrad degree). And does your statement apply to graduate, Master's, doctorate, and post- doctorate as well? Adulthood in our culture for a neural typical person starts at the age of 18, so at what point is it appropriate as a "decent parent" to stop financially supporting you children and support them in all the ways you support a responsible adult? Or do you think we should raise the age of majority in our country to 26 so our young adults can get an even easier start? By the way, it's possible to financially support your children throughout their higher education and be a really crummy parent.
Load More Replies... I don't know about anyone else but if my son needed to come home, I would not be making demands of him beyond keeping the place tidy etc. I would not be charging rent or be expecting him to cook, clean etc. Sorry but I cannot get this mindset that this dad has towards his daughter.
Parents, you have a responsibility. Not just until they become 18, but for life. You agreed to this by having a kid. Sure, making them do some chores is good, as it teaches responsibility, but the parents need to do the majority of them.
I had it hard growing up so I’m going to make sure my daughter has it just as hard.
Or maybe "I learned a lot about getting through hard times and budgeting my resources by doing this and I believe it to be a valid and valuable experience. I'm here in case it falls apart so it's an experience that doesn't have to be painful"
Load More Replies... i hAd tO do ThAt wHeN i WAs yOunG sounds awful. Supporting yourself 30 years ago is NOT what it is today. I had: a job making ~$9/hour, full time. That is about $18,000/year, before taxes. After taxes it was about $16k. That's about $1300/month. And my rent, plus utilities, was almost half that, but i made do. Try living on one's own now, with barely-above minimum wages.
He's clueless! He says "at her age I was going to school full time and was paying full rent without help from my family". Does this guy not understand the difference in the economy in his day and now? Perhaps he needs to take a good hard look, a VERY HARD LOOK, at the situation! I'm sick to death of reading comments from people my age, a little younger and older who are clueless about the costs of housing and how little people are paid today in relation to how they were paid back then. He needs a wake up call on that alone. His daughter is not only a maid for her father, but her two brothers. She's also a cook. Now he's threatening her with a part time status as maid and having a part time job or getting a full time job with her studies. Why is he deliberately setting her up to fail? Why does he have so little respect for her? What an AH!
My 9 and 11 year old boys make their own dinner when I'm not feeling up to it. This dad is ridiculous.
They also have a daily list of chores they keep up with daily, play sports, and still have plenty of time for video games and other things they enjoy. I don't care if dad is her father, I agree with the Cinderella and evil step mother comment lol
Load More Replies... Our man here really is oblivious to how much time cooking and cleaning takes up. I'm a guy who lives alone, and at takes a considerable amount of time just to do theaw thibgs for myself, but whenever I visit my girlfriend or she comes over, chores from cleaning, washing laundry, cooking, just increases immediately. And that's two adults, not two adults and two children. Op's TA.
All the responses were like "YTA" and he still didn't want to change the situation. What a crappy dad. She should go live with her aunt.
It seems like she did and got mad that she had the gall to do it.
Load More Replies... I was wavering for most of it. But man does this guy really not get it, especially that last line. When he was able to afford to work and rent on his own at her age, the price of literally everything was no where near as unlivable as it is now. I don't mind the deal he had in theory. It's reasonable to do. But his boys are easily capable of feeding themselves and need to start helping around the house. Even without your daughter around, they need to do that. And any chore deal needs to flexible. Cooking shouldn't even be on the list as it has expectations she be home at a specific day/time. Some nights she may have classes or need to study. These chores need to be doable when she has time to do them.
YTA after reading the extra information. She should have zero responsibility cleaning up after her brothers. She should not have to cook breakfast at all and stop enabling those boys to be incompetent at cooking. My son is 11, he has been able to cook dippy eggs and toast, KD, Mr noodles, and a few other things solo for a few years now let alone grab a muffin or cereal. I think cooking dinner x4/week is fine. I'd like to see the house cleaning expectations you've set out too, regardless those boys should be able to tidy up themselves at 8 and 10. You are coming off as sexist and you're making your boys helpless.
“When I was her age … “ Yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds like the old “I had to walk 5 miles to school in the snow in my bare feet” routine. Just because the dad had it hard doesn’t give him a license to make it hard for his daughter. And the two boys are old enough to start learning the basics of cooking — that’s the age girls start. This guy sounds like a real mysoginist.
I was working full time swing shifts, college full time and National Guard duties. That was a huge load for me and didn't leave much time for my studies. My grades suffered for it. I didn't have time for friends either. I could make macaroni and cheese at age 10. It would be different if she wasn't going to school, but the 8 and 10 your old is your responsibility to feed. Some chores are fine, but her cooking that many times a week is excessive.
He should not be at all surprised when she decides to move out and go NC with him.
Why do so many families make everything a fight? I have three kids. Two are adults that live at home. They do not pay rent because this is their home. I'm not going to charge them to live in their own home. They have jobs, and they cover their own bills. When my daughter was between jobs, we let her pause her bills. It is more important that the kids are able to save money than us forcing some life "lesson" on them by insisting they pay rent and struggle. They know what they need to do but things can get hard, and I'm not going to make it harder on them. They're responsible people. They also do things around the house when they see they need done. No one has to ask. They also cook meals when they have an idea of something they want to make. One of my sons loves making homemade pizza and does it about twice a month. They make meals and keep the house clean because they live here too. It's their home. They don't do it out of obligation or because it is demanded of them.
So it's ok for Dad to work and come home and spend it free time how he likes but his daughter isn't allowed to cook 1 or 2 days less and has to clean on top of that to improve grades for schooling HES paying for?? I don't think the the A in YTA is strong enough for this one.
He is absolutely a c**p parent and a lazy one. What does he do after getting off work but sit around in a clean house with a “home cooked” meal he didn’t make? likely he didn’t cook breakfast and dinner daily for his sons before daughter moved back. He’s taking advantage. No doubt in my mind when his sons reach college age they won’t be required to cook dinner every night and do all the housework either because they’re boys. Easy to spend SOMEONE ELSE’S time because it’s not yours. She should be 100 percent focused on school and he should be supporting her doing the best for her future not the bare minimum. He may be paying for college for her but he’s wasting that money if she doesn’t do well. They should share the household responsibilities, and get those boys involved. F*** I had a neighbourhood lawn cutting service by age 8 and cleaned whole house with siblings and made simple meals by age 10. He’s coddling his sons and burning out his daughter. Trash dad.
I ended up quitting a similar situation. Turns out when someone else is doing the cleaning, somme people stop picking up after themselves *at all*, and way up their standards. Suddenly you are constantly cleaning, cooking, ironing. I quit, got a different job that was way less work and defined off hours, and they hired a cleaning service twice a month for way more money and the house is usually a mess. Some family take advantage and think it's fair.
I'm in college right now and last semester failed two classes cause of all the work. I could never image doing my 500 word weekly essays, 3+ projects and, 4 quizzes again all weekly while fixing breakfast and dinner and cleaning the whole house every day. This semester is not as heavy but I could have failed for missing one day for an emergency surgery. I'd hate to be so bombarded with work that I get 3 hours to study. This guy is more then an a hole he's a dead beat in my opinion. A cr@p parent. Also at age 6 I was cooking for myself and a 4 year old. so a 10 year old can make a bowl of cereal and a PBJ for him and his brother for crying out loud.
Who would be doing the cooking and cleaning if the daughter wasn't there? Do he and the kids contribute to the housekeeping, or just the house messing? If this is how he treated his wife, no wonder she left.
I know I have seen some 10 year-olds cooking on master Chef Junior and those type of shows, and they cook far better than me.
You have a leverage and decide to turn the crank. Not nice. A daughter is not an employee or a tenant.
"at her age I was going to school and paid rent by myself with no help from parents" Yea because the cost of living was much lower then! Don't be a dunce and realise you are setting your daughter up for failure here! You are the parent, you are SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN, ALL OF THEM!!!! Listen to her
She's 20 yrs old by the time I was 20 I had 3 kids done classes and kept the house clean and kids fed and part time job what your asking of ur daughter is completely reasonable and do-able ..but just to ensure she has time for studies pop tarts or cereal for breakfast sandwiches or hotdogs for lunch the other kids can pitch in and clean up after themselves mine did by the time they were able to walk we had clean up games. If u don't teach them to clean up now they're going to be entitled slobs as adult
I was on the fence until his last line about how "back in his day, bootstraps!" Nope. Hard hard nope. YTA for not even listening to his daughter. School now and school then are VERY different. Not to mention the economic situation.
To the father of the daughter who requires her to work in the home in order to live there and go to college - definitely NTA! Ever heard of room & board? I guess NO ONE who reads this column has. After all, it IS the "entitled" generation plus. Pay for My college, My rent, My food and this after 18 years of paying for everything as a good parent should. But actually the better question is why is she not working and paying for her own college? Many, many kids have done and do all the time. All the people saying otherwise are part of this nation's very severe problem with today's young people.
The 8 & 10 year old should be able to make their own basic breakfasts (& yes, even know how the stove works to make basic things like eggs & hot cereal), tidying up after themselves & the good of the house & doing their own laundry. I knew how to do all that by both their ages & even wanted to mow the lawn but needed help w/ the pull start (which I would very rarely get help w/, ugh. So I kept trying until I could do it myself). And... I was thrilled to feed our farm animals on my own & even did it for fun.
10 and 8 are old enough to do dishes at least n make cereal for breakfast. Im in college (grad school) and some days YES the work gets to be very demanding. Ex. One class wanted you to check in for online discussions 2 days a week (one to post another to reply) and thats IF your class post timely for you to reply (many times they didn't until last day) so thatd be checking in 7 days to make sure you can do it. Its stressful af. So yea cut her slack. Hell even my 9-5 job tespects my workload enough to let me have 2-3 days off a week to do schoolwork
She is an adult and op is paying all the bills, including her college! The deal is fair. If she doesnt like it, she is free to move out, pay her own rent, food, utilities and college. It is not a sin to make your adult children be responsible! YNTAH! In very big letters!!
If she fails her classes because of the workload that "daddy dearest" has placed on her as a "deal" for staying at home while going to college full time that he's paying for, who's losing tons of money? Tell me you're clueless without telling me you're clueless.
Load More Replies... I'm a full time college student and my studying and schooling takes sometimes 11 hours a day. Exactly where does that leave time for a job? I clean some but I couldn't imagine a father willingly doing that to his daughter.
I worked full time and went to school full time (paid my own way), and paid my parents a token rent. I resented it then, but appreciate what they did for me now. I'd have killed for the easy deal she has.
Honestly I think a lot of you haven't asked enough questions and are fast to vilify this father. For one thing, how many credits is she taking? 3? 16? That will make a huge difference. Also, if she wasn't living with her father (who I also gather is paying for her tuition) where would she be and at what stress level in relation to school/life? Do I think she should earn her way instead of having it handed to her? I don't know, but I'd be willing to bet she'd make more of her opportunities if they weren't just offered up. Finally, she's 20, not a child, at 18 (17 with a little paperwork) we put guns into hands and ask kids to fight wars so maybe this isn't as big a deal as folks are making it. People parent in their style and what works in one home isn't right for every home.
So, here's my deal. 8 and 10 is old enough to manage an easy breakfast and some chores. However school can be tough. Yet... F**k I'll cook rent free it's hell out here. For me ESH. If taking daughter in to help her save and get through college was the expectation, then maybe reducing the chores or taking out cooking breakfast for two capable kids is fair. If this was an expectation of equal exchange. The amount of chores that would have equaled rent needs to be fulfilled. I think father and daughter need a sit down and talk about things. A lot of people always aim for the "entitlement" excuse/blame. When it could be something more. Maybe the daughter is going through finals and is particularly stressed. Or the kids bother her study time. An open and honest (no talking to other people behind the others back) discussion needs to happen.
ABSOLUTELY NTA that's a sweet deal and realistically, needs to manage her time better. It's called a croc pot, use one. Everyone saying he's taking advantage of her and to listen to her??!!!... ummmm no. She's under his roof and still being supported by her dad, and needs to step up, if she's too tired to clean, then enlist her siblings to help. Failing that, get a job and pay rent, and at th same time, putting mre strain and pressure on her dad, all while slaving away at a job for a possible pittance and hvng to part wth that pay - so really, working n gtng nt as much as a result of it. Kids these days need to get a wake up call
Tell her that holding down a job for rent would take up even more time. Hinthint
NTA but you do need to make a concession. If your boys are 8 and 10 they certainly can get breakfast themselves, they should also be making their own lunches - that stops complaints about food. They can do dishes, take it in turns and they should be tidying their own rooms. No reason why they can't take it in turns to help prepare tea. My granddaughter was learning to cook at about 8yrs and doing her own laundry at 10. My son and daughter both used to cook. Son is a chef now and furthermore he NEVER STARVED while flatting . You're doing your boys a disservice if you don't insist they help their sister. They could have 2 nights a week where they cook tea. Even if it's homemade pizza and Mac n cheese.
Stick to your guns Dad. Your daughter has to learn sometime about responsibility. Most o the cleaning can be done on weekends and cooking doesn't take that much time.
YET HERE IN REALITY...the Dad is NTA. He's right. If his daughter (Hypothetically speaking) were Not living with Dad & 2 younger brothers meaning "out on her own" in her own place, she would have to have a Job (avg wage $14 - $20 hrly × 40 hrs wkly) in order to pay for: $1400 - $1700 Rent (avg for 1bdrm apartment) $200 - $350 Utilities $70 - $150 Phone/Internet $???? Transportation to & from work $???? Food ...Every Month! Even if she had a roommate to split that with, I highly doubt that she would be able to continue her studies with all of the aforementioned. To those who feel that Dad is the AH & being totally unfair to his daughter with a deal of 2-3 hours per day of cooking and cleaning is MORE THAN FAIR in exchange for rent! Think about it ppl! SHE AGREED TO THE DEAL! If she were out on her own, do you really think that her landlord would say, "Oh, you had to work less because of your studies so you can't pay the rent that you agreed to"? Please...🤨🤔🙄
I was expected to leave home once I finished college. I have lived on my own until my later 40s when I got married. I earned less as a college grad living on his own than I did when I was living at home in high school. This was the 70s when women started competing against men in the job market. These same women still expected men to be the provider if they want marriage and a family. We now approaching 2030 when half of the women will remain childless and single.
NTA if she had a job she would have even less time for her college work and studying. I went to school, had a job, and cooked and cleaned house at the age of 14. It didn't hurt me at all, it did make me appreciate what I had, taught me work ethics, time management and that I could provide for myself.
Uhhh, no. NTA. You are correct in stating that if you weren't helping her she would be working f/t, going to school, finding time to study, and doing all the cooking and cleaning in her own place. She agreed. And while it isn't unreasonable for one adult to approach another adult to request a discussion on modifying the terms of the original agreement,you are completely within your rights to decline her offer. Sorry people. This is adulthood. It does not matter if the OP was a natural parent or a step-parent. This is life. I also agree with Carol. The younger children aren't so young they can't pitch in. Otherwise, you’ll be having this same covo again in 10 yrs.
If he paid her rent to live by herself, wouldn’t she still have to cook and clean? I’d need more details on how long she’s expected to spend cleaning, etc, before forming a view.
But ahe is cleaning everyones messes and cooking for them too.
Load More Replies... When did a parent teaching their child self-reliance become a bad thing? And why should she live for free who lives for free anymore. She lives in the house with the family she should be contributing to that family. And to expect otherwise is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure that if she has an important exam the next day that she might be excused from cooking but if not so what. Not sure why people think their children should have a free ride but that's not teaching them a thing. And for her to complain about having a free ride at home like free room and board is very ungrateful. She could always move out if she doesn't want to do the things that contribute to the family. She has the right to move anytime she wants.
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