I love painting and drawing animals but wanted to make them more interesting. I like the idea that there is something of the animal in all of us and that we aren’t very far removed from other mammals. Are these characters man or animal? Giving them each a funny backstory and interlinking these backstories creates an alternative world which I enjoy and I hope provides entertainment to others. I post these on Instagram and Facebook every Monday and my website has the full back story next to each manimal.
More info: stuartdenham.com
Nigel Buchheim – Manimal Butcher
Nigel Buchheim, MBE – Manimal Butcher
A third-generation butcher, Mr Buchheim has been artfully hacking up animal corpses since he was but a lad. Born the runt of the drift, little was expected of young Nigel, but when his older brothers succumbed to the lure of gang life in the mean streets of 1970’s Mickleham, it was he who rose to his father’s side to take over the family trade.
The infamous thug life of the Mole Valley would eventually claim the lives of both brothers, a tragedy that stays with Mr Buchheim to this day and continues to fuel his passion for dismembering and mincing. Mr Buchheim, still bearing the scars of a brutal gangland wedgie, became a key campaigner against the Mickleham gangs which eventually resulted in the Surrey Catapult Amnesty of 1991, for which he was later awarded an MBE.
Mr Buchheim is married to Sophie and they are blessed with as fine a sounder of swine as ever snuffled a truffle.
In his spare time, Mr Buchheim enjoys wallowing and scrabble.
WPC Sue Hampson – Manimal Policewoman
Following her barnstorming silver medal in the 20km race walk at the London 2012 Olympics, Mrs Hampson seemingly had the world at her calloused feet. Feted by sponsors and fans alike, Mrs Hampson was poised to cash in while sitting atop (but one) the dizzying heights of race walking. Race walkers, dubbed the ‘rock stars of the track’ by long term BBC athletics commentator Brendan Cramp, were hot stuff, riding the crest of an Olympic wave. But Mrs Hampson had already turned her sights to the next challenge – making the country safe.
As Mrs Hampson explained in the harrowing 2013 documentary series ‘Ross Kemp in Surrey’: “Many people only see the glamour of race walking, they don’t see the gruelling hours of bum wiggle practise and really tough strolling we have to endure. Sure, the rewards are incredible, but it’s a brutal sport. I needed a change and I wanted to make a difference and give something back. Being a copper was the obvious choice”. But not just any copper; WPC Hampson chose to copper on the front line in the ravaged investment banker ghettos of Surrey.
So (nearly) Olympic Champion Mrs Hampson became WPC Hampson, part of that thin blue line that keeps the rest of us from anarchy, putting herself in harm’s way in the daily war waged in the fringes of society.
WPC Hampson, we salute you.
Mrs Michelle DeWitt – Manimal Surgeon
Pioneering surgeon Mrs DeWitt is blazing a trail across medical skies with her ground-breaking body graft surgery. From grafting new honkers onto young starlets or functioning pegs onto old politicians, Mrs DeWitt is transforming the way we view what is possible in body improvement.
One of her early surgeries was carried out on idiot reality TV presenter and comedy President, Donald Trump. Having been born with no hands, The Donald as a young man was struggling to grab the pussycats he loved so much. Hearing news of the incredible work Mrs DeWitt had done on grafting a concrete plinth to the chin of cheesy gameshow host Bruce Forsyth, The Donald was soon in touch and a scant three weeks later found himself with new hands – a world first. Of course, the child-sized hands didn’t grow with The Donald into adulthood and now seem too small, a wrinkle since ironed out by Mrs DeWitt in later hand graft surgeries.
Mrs DeWitt also gained some fame in the gutter press when refusing to appear on the much talked about but seldom watched daytime TV dross, Loose Women, dismissing the show as ‘god-awful, brain-atrophying tripe’. The ensuing twitter row with Loose Women host Noreen Crumpdimple carried on for months before Mrs DeWitt forsook social media for good.
Mrs DeWitt continues to push the boundaries of what is possible with body grafting and is rumoured to be working on something big for a famous actor with something small.
Mrs DeWitt is married to the rap artist Eezy Jeezy Weezy and they have three children.
In her spare time, Mrs DeWitt is a keen golfer and enjoys fishing for ants with twigs.
Carlos Marazin Smith, QC – Manimal Barrister
As one of the preeminent legal minds of his generation, Mr Marazin Smith first came to prominence during the Mickleham gang wars that scarred the Surrey banker estates during the 70’s and 80’s. A tireless campaigner against wedgies and nipple twists, Mr Marazin Smith was instrumental in successfully defending the Cobham Four and in doing so, exposing the rampant corruption of the Mole Valley Police Force.
Mr Marazin Smith went on to a number of high profile celebrity defences, perhaps most famously representing the rapper and fashion designer Eezy Jeezy Weezy in his battle with novelty act Vanilla Ice. Both claimed to have authored the ground-breaking lyric ‘ice, ice, baby’ which Mr Ice used to memorable effect in his 1990 hit of the same name. Mr Mazarin Smith’s stunning use of the Dumple Defence resulted in financial ruin for Mr Ice, who was ruled to have stolen the lyric from Mr Jeezy Weezy’s 1985 experimental album ‘My Drink is Missing Something’.
Mr Marazin Smith is married to the cake decorator Janice Ho Hum and they have eight children and a gerbil.
In his spare time, Mr Marazin Smith is a keen gardener and an authority on mealworm breeding.
Alan Hastings – Manimal Sommelier
As one of only four manimals in the world to hold both the title of Master Sommelier and the Master of Wine qualification, Alan Hastings and his palate are much sought after. Able to differentiate a Gewurtztraminer from a Riesling at ten paces, this world-renowned oenophile has utilised his nose and flubbery, wubbery lips at some of the finest restaurants in the world, curating wine lists and consulting on all manner of really boring wine lore.
As well as being a keen wine historian, Mr Hastings oenology infamously led him into discovering that the highest wine consuming country in the world is the Vatican City. Mr Hastings publicly announced that residents of the Holy See knock back 74 litres per person per year, a staggering 50% more than the French. So appalled was The Pope at the broadcasting of this dirty secret that His Holiness is rumoured to have ordered a ‘hit’ on Mr Hastings to silence him.
But Alan won’t be silenced.
Mr Hastings is single and in his spare time he enjoys licking his balls and playing the harmonica.
Ernst Drabik – Manimal Chef
Foul mouthed culinary magician and microwave haute cuisine pioneer Ernst Drabik first came to public notice in the early 1990’s documentary, Boiling Over. The fly on the wall show followed Mr Drabik as he went in search of his first Michelin star, capturing his intense, explosive personality as he sought edible perfection. A slew of Michelin stars and TV shows have since followed as Mr Drabik has built a dining and hotel empire across the world.
Perhaps his finest TV moment is the global hit, The Effin C Word, where Mr Drabik swears at and berates amateur chefs in their attempts to cook decent food. Famously short tempered, Mr Drabik offers little in the way of encouragement and has set many records for the number and variety of swear words he can fit into a short format show. Normally the contestants cower in the face of his overbearing personality but the highlight for many viewers was in the celebrity Christmas edition where rapper, fashion designer and film producer Eezy Jeezy Weezy stood up to Mr Drabik and told him to “**** a ****** sideways over ******** you little ****”. Ratings went crazy.
Mr Drabik has long been a culinary pioneer, credited with being the first three star chef to incorporate pot noodles into his menu and, more recently, becoming an advocate of the microwave for fine dining. Bookings for his new Manhattan eatery The Septum need to be made one year in advance as the moneyed class has gone crazy for Mr Drabik’s signature dish, Le Noodle Pot de Wavemicro.
Mr Drabik is twice divorced and has six children. In his spare time he enjoys the pop music of Tears for Fears and playing the blues harp.
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