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“Tell Me You Don’t Have Any Friends Without Saying”: Woman Shares Her Honest Take On B-Day Parties
Interview With Expert
Who says the Internet can’t agree on anything? In this case, people banded together against one woman on X (Twitter) who expressed an unpopular opinion about birthdays. The user MicheBag22 posted that she does not want any invitations to birthday parties where she has to pay for the food herself.
Although the opinion in the comments was pretty unanimous, she did raise an interesting question: What is the etiquette for birthday dinners? Some people expressed how it’s nice to treat the birthday person. It’s their birthday, after all. Others chose to drag the OP and did so mercilessly. Check out people’s takes below, and let us know your opinion on this issue.
Because this turned out to be such a hot topic on the Internet, Bored Panda sought the expertise of an etiquette expert. Suzy Lins is a certified etiquette trainer who helps people gain confidence in business and social situations. We asked her about birthday dinner etiquette and who should pay the bill. Read her insights below!
More info: The Manners Maven | Instagram
RELATED:
If you choose to celebrate your birthday with your friends and family, often the best option is to have a dinner
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
One woman stirred up a discussion about whether the guests should pay or if the birthday person should treat everyone
Image credits: michebag22
Image credits: michebag22
Image credits: michebag22
Etiquette expert weighs in: the birthday person should pay, but there are some exceptions
This particular thread on “X” riled up quite a few social media users. Although most of them ridiculed the author for her argument that parents pay for the birthday kid, hence the birthday person should cover the bill as well, some people defended the OP.
Given that there’s so much contention around the topic, we decided to ask an etiquette expert what the right way to handle the bill at a birthday dinner is. Certified etiquette trainer Suzy Lins, aka The Manner’s Maven, says there is a general rule. “Etiquette calls for the person doing the inviting to pay for the meal.”
However, there are some exceptions, as always. “Keep in mind, this can vary depending on the formality of the event,” Lins notes. “If the birthday person is throwing a party to celebrate their birthday, they would be expected to pay for the meal.”
The situation changes when there’s no official party with invitations and such. “If it’s a group of friends getting together to celebrate the birthday person, typically each person would pay for themself and then chip in for the birthday person’s meal,” the etiquette expert explains.
Image credits: Jay Wennington (not the actual photo)
The birthday person should communicate things like this to their guests and friends beforehand
It can be difficult to know whether you should pay at a friend’s birthday dinner. Some people might think it’s common sense and not tell you, while others always include this information in their invitations.
“It’s a good idea to be clear on who is paying before the actual birthday meal,” The Manners Maven says. “The person throwing themselves a birthday party could say something like: ‘I’d love to have you at my birthday dinner, my treat!'”
“If it’s a group of friends getting together to celebrate a birthday, it should be made clear to everyone that they will be paying for their own meal and will be splitting the cost of the birthday person’s meal.”
“If this is not in their budget, then they can bow out at that time rather than being surprised when the bill comes. Make sure to let the server know in advance how you plan to split the bill. Either way, clear communication in advance will help avoid any awkward moments,” the expert trainer adds.
Unluckily for the OP, hardly any netizens agreed with this her hot take
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JayWantsACat 1 year ago
If your main defense of this is that "parents of the birthday kid paid for parties when you were a kid" but you're now an adult, well...
Owiella Freddie 1 year ago
Add to that main defense this question, "How much did your mommy spend on that birthday present you are bringing?"
Load More Replies...
ColorEd 1 year ago
I guess this is a cultural thing. Where I'm from (Eastern Europe), it is customary for the person celebrating their birthday to pay/provid for meals/drinks of everyone they invited, definitely not the other way around and most definitely not everyone paying for themselves.
Marcos Valencia 1 year ago
Indeed, this must be a cultural issue. I'm a Spaniard, and it's assumed that I will pay if I gather people because it's my birthday and I want to celebrate it. Or maybe some people decide to celebrate my birthday (like a surprise party)... in such case, I wouldn't pay.
Load More Replies...
Rayl 1 year ago
In Europe the host is expected to pay the bill for a birthday dinner, and guests are expected to bring gifts.
StumblingThroughLife 1 year ago
Not in the UK. We pay for our own & share the cost of the Birthday peeps' food.
Load More Replies...
pep Ito 1 year ago
In Spain, the one who invites to his birthday party pays the full bill. This is the norm. I understand that the USA is a different culture.
Marcos Valencia 1 year ago
But, also, in Spain is not common to gather 10-12 friends at a restaurant and pay the bill for everybody because it's your birthday. I only saw this with relatives in Spain, unless you celebrate at home. The bill can become quite high.
Load More Replies... Mimi M 1 year ago
This is a communication thing. If you are making a party at a restaurant and inviting people, you invite them making it clear that you are throwing the party and paying. If you are a group of friends getting together to celebrate a friend's birthday, the friends communicate together, (tell the b'day person, or discuss with them), choose a place and all meet as a group.
JayWantsACat 1 year ago
This is a good distinction as I think there's confusion as to what is actually happening. If you're just getting together to informally celebrate a person's birthday, then everyone pays for themselves as well as the birthday person. If the birthday person (or a proxy) is putting on an event for the birthday then obviously the host pays. "Hey, we're meeting up for dinner for Mim's birthday" is very different from "hey, we're throwing a dinner party for Mimi." When my friends take me out for a birthday dinner, they pay. When my friend' g/f threw a party with dinner at a venue, she paid.
Load More Replies... Flora Porter 1 year ago
Depends. In the UK, the usual etiquette is if you give an invitation and you decide time, place and the kind of food, you're paying. If you're expecting everyone to pay for themselves, it would be a joint decision - you can't assume. If it's your birthday, everyone else may offer to pay for you, but that's their choice.
Anyone-for-tea? 1 year ago
Well you and I must be in very different circles then Flora, as it’s not the “usual” at all! I once picked up the tab for everyone’s drinks on my birthday, it was about £70 (it was a while ago!) but not their food, or if I have put a party on in a bar, for a big birthday I’ve put some money behind the bar and paid for nibbles, but when we had a sit down meal, my friends offered to pay for me. In my experience, my friends have never paid for any part of the bill like I did.
Load More Replies...
Raphapablap 1 year ago (edited)
A lot more emphasis seems to be on "who invites who" nowadays. I'm with the guy whose opinion is that as an adult you should expect to pay for things. If someone invites me out, I don't expect them to pay for me, that seems really childish. I'm European but when I've been to a birthday meal, contrary to what my fellow Europeans have said below, sometimes the friends pay and sometimes the birthday celebrant pays, i guess it depends on your social group etiquette.
Ge Po 1 year ago
It's also a matter of who invites who and what information they give you beforehand. Anyway, a meal at a restaurant to celebrate a birthday should be about spending time with that person, showing appreciation for the friendship/relationship. Not clean their pockets out. Yes, if I have the money I will treat them well, but I would very quickly stop inviting people who only come to my birthday for free food and drinks.
KatSaidWhat 1 year ago
If you're inviting me for dinner at yours, I don't expect to contribute bar a bottle of [x]. If you're saying let's go to [x] restaurant for a birthday, I am expecting to pay. Welcome to adulting.
Libstak 1 year ago
Parents cater and pay for kids because a) kids don't have their own money b) kids meals are set menu and/or much cheaper to pay for c) it's parents paying...not the birthday kid d) in everyone's minds feeding kids is the cultural expected norm, in fact, in my cultural norm, kids eat first and adults constantly check they have plenty to eat. When they're done, they play or pile in front of the TV and the adults relax and eat with one eye and ear primed for any kid issues of course.
JayWantsACat 1 year ago
If your main defense of this is that "parents of the birthday kid paid for parties when you were a kid" but you're now an adult, well...
Owiella Freddie 1 year ago
Add to that main defense this question, "How much did your mommy spend on that birthday present you are bringing?"
Load More Replies... ColorEd 1 year ago
I guess this is a cultural thing. Where I'm from (Eastern Europe), it is customary for the person celebrating their birthday to pay/provid for meals/drinks of everyone they invited, definitely not the other way around and most definitely not everyone paying for themselves.
Marcos Valencia 1 year ago
Indeed, this must be a cultural issue. I'm a Spaniard, and it's assumed that I will pay if I gather people because it's my birthday and I want to celebrate it. Or maybe some people decide to celebrate my birthday (like a surprise party)... in such case, I wouldn't pay.
Load More Replies... Rayl 1 year ago
In Europe the host is expected to pay the bill for a birthday dinner, and guests are expected to bring gifts.
StumblingThroughLife 1 year ago
Not in the UK. We pay for our own & share the cost of the Birthday peeps' food.
Load More Replies... pep Ito 1 year ago
In Spain, the one who invites to his birthday party pays the full bill. This is the norm. I understand that the USA is a different culture.
Marcos Valencia 1 year ago
But, also, in Spain is not common to gather 10-12 friends at a restaurant and pay the bill for everybody because it's your birthday. I only saw this with relatives in Spain, unless you celebrate at home. The bill can become quite high.
Load More Replies... Mimi M 1 year ago
This is a communication thing. If you are making a party at a restaurant and inviting people, you invite them making it clear that you are throwing the party and paying. If you are a group of friends getting together to celebrate a friend's birthday, the friends communicate together, (tell the b'day person, or discuss with them), choose a place and all meet as a group.
JayWantsACat 1 year ago
This is a good distinction as I think there's confusion as to what is actually happening. If you're just getting together to informally celebrate a person's birthday, then everyone pays for themselves as well as the birthday person. If the birthday person (or a proxy) is putting on an event for the birthday then obviously the host pays. "Hey, we're meeting up for dinner for Mim's birthday" is very different from "hey, we're throwing a dinner party for Mimi." When my friends take me out for a birthday dinner, they pay. When my friend' g/f threw a party with dinner at a venue, she paid.
Load More Replies... Flora Porter 1 year ago
Depends. In the UK, the usual etiquette is if you give an invitation and you decide time, place and the kind of food, you're paying. If you're expecting everyone to pay for themselves, it would be a joint decision - you can't assume. If it's your birthday, everyone else may offer to pay for you, but that's their choice.
Anyone-for-tea? 1 year ago
Well you and I must be in very different circles then Flora, as it’s not the “usual” at all! I once picked up the tab for everyone’s drinks on my birthday, it was about £70 (it was a while ago!) but not their food, or if I have put a party on in a bar, for a big birthday I’ve put some money behind the bar and paid for nibbles, but when we had a sit down meal, my friends offered to pay for me. In my experience, my friends have never paid for any part of the bill like I did.
Load More Replies... Raphapablap 1 year ago (edited)
A lot more emphasis seems to be on "who invites who" nowadays. I'm with the guy whose opinion is that as an adult you should expect to pay for things. If someone invites me out, I don't expect them to pay for me, that seems really childish. I'm European but when I've been to a birthday meal, contrary to what my fellow Europeans have said below, sometimes the friends pay and sometimes the birthday celebrant pays, i guess it depends on your social group etiquette.
Ge Po 1 year ago
It's also a matter of who invites who and what information they give you beforehand. Anyway, a meal at a restaurant to celebrate a birthday should be about spending time with that person, showing appreciation for the friendship/relationship. Not clean their pockets out. Yes, if I have the money I will treat them well, but I would very quickly stop inviting people who only come to my birthday for free food and drinks.
KatSaidWhat 1 year ago
If you're inviting me for dinner at yours, I don't expect to contribute bar a bottle of [x]. If you're saying let's go to [x] restaurant for a birthday, I am expecting to pay. Welcome to adulting.
Libstak 1 year ago
Parents cater and pay for kids because a) kids don't have their own money b) kids meals are set menu and/or much cheaper to pay for c) it's parents paying...not the birthday kid d) in everyone's minds feeding kids is the cultural expected norm, in fact, in my cultural norm, kids eat first and adults constantly check they have plenty to eat. When they're done, they play or pile in front of the TV and the adults relax and eat with one eye and ear primed for any kid issues of course.
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