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Man Feels Like A “Cash Cow And A Servant” For His Wife Until She Leaves Him, Then Changes Her Mind
Being married is not easy. It can be even harder if one spouse or both are struggling with their mental health. In fact, a 2018 Finnish study found that mental health problems at least double the risk of divorce. For men with poor mental health, the likelihood of divorce was more than double. For women, it nearly doubled.
This guy had to endure years of his wife’s depression until she finally decided the two needed to separate for a while. The plot twist was that during their break, he started to feel happy again. So, when she came back begging for him to take her back, he faced a dilemma: was he to be happier with her or without her?
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A wife left her husband of 7 years to see if she would be better off fighting depression without him
Image credits: Aaron Thomas (not the actual photo)
Yet, after some time, she came back to him with an interesting request
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Roberta Sant’Anna (not the actual photo)
Image source: ThrowRAHelpmi
A partner’s depression can take a toll on a spouse
It’s hard to be happy with your marriage when your spouse has depression. Research shows that spousal depression can increase marital distress. According to a 2007 study, couples might experience emotional withdrawal, decreased intimacy, and increased resentment.
In many cases, depression can destroy a relationship. As Samuel L. Pauker, M.D. and Miriam Arond write for Psychology Today, the depressed partner may have good and bad days. On the good days, the person may seem agreeable, but on the bad days, they can be straight-up unbearable.
“It’s easy to see how quickly a couple can get into a vicious cycle of anger, blame, hurt, and hopelessness,” they write. “By not recognizing that depression is a key component in the ruination of their relationship, too many couples consult with a divorce lawyer when they really need to first meet with a mental health professional.”
Some studies suggest that the other partner may even develop depression. That’s why some experts suggest that in treating one partner’s depression, it’s also important to pay attention “to the distress and burden experienced by spouses.”
Other experts are more optimistic. Jacques Barber, PhD, the dean of the Gordon F. Derner School of Psychology at Adelphi University in Garden City, NY, says that most couples can survive one partner’s depression.
“There’s no quick fix,” he admits. “Some people may go on one medication for depression, and it doesn’t work, or they go to therapy and it doesn’t work for them. You have to be persistent,” he asserts. Medication is often more effective together with therapy; you have to talk your way out of the condition.
Ninety-percent of patients with depression do experience improvement with treatment, he says. What the spouse needs to remember is that the tiresome behavior is all part of the condition. “Be encouraging. Invite them to do more activities together that are fun,” he suggests. “Depression often causes lethargy. Invite your spouse to go for a walk or to the beach if you have one nearby.”
Caregivers might not notice they’re experiencing burnout
It’s no surprise that after many years of taking care of his wife, the husband is experiencing caretaker fatigue. As he describes, he not only has to take care of the household, but also keep an eye on his wife as well. That can take a toll on a person.
Research shows that caregivers experience negative outcomes to their mental health and vitality. Loneliness is a particularly strong element, as social relationships can improve a caregiver’s mental health significantly.
When his wife left, the husband finally felt that he could put himself first. He went out with friends, could finally relax at home, and finally started to enjoy life again. Caring for someone with depression can be all-consuming, so, spending some time apart can help re-discover the joy one felt prior to the spouse’s depression.
When one partner in the relationship is ill, the other becomes the least important person in the relationship, says Linda Keilman, a gerontological nurse. She urges all caregivers to take care of themselves. “Self-care is the easiest thing we can do for ourselves, but we don’t think about it that way, and we don’t think about it as taking care of the self,” she explains.
“We think about it as being selfish or self-centered. If people just ate enough fruit and vegetables and healthy meals, drank enough water, got some physical activity, slept well and had some fun doing something they enjoy on a regular basis—even if it’s just reading a book—everyone would be able to manage stress much easier.”
“When she was gone, for a while, I actually felt happy,” the husband admitted guiltily
Commenters urged the man not to give in to outside pressure: “It isn’t your job to heal her”
Later, the husband came back with an update that many didn’t expect
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: ThrowRAHelpmi
Commenters warned the guy that this will not end well, but he was prepared to take the risk
Some pointed out that this was not a healthy way to deal with: “Doesn’t sound like a loving relationship to me”
Other reactions were kinder, wishing the couple strength and luck
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LakotaWolf (she/her) 13 hours ago
Poor OP. He's a gullible, naive, hopeful fool. His wife will realize how much work it is to actually have a productive, semi-normal life and relationship and will "slip into depression" again. She has to WANT to get better, and I'm not sure she actually does want to. It's very easy to apologize for your past and agree to do xyz things "in the future", but those things (and making amends) are usually a lot of work and a lot of extremely painful self-reflection. OP's wife will have to stare all her unpleasant parts in the face and work on them; she can't ignore them or sweep them under the rug. There's a chance she genuinely wants to change and truly is depressed, but as someone who has been chronically depressed since age 13 and suícidal fairly often, I know that it's a lot of hard work to work on yourself, and sometimes it feels overwhelming and you stop doing it after a few weeks or months. I'm not blaming his wife; it's a really difficult thing to do.
Robin Roper 12 hours ago
"Well you know wife, I realized I was depressed. I was no longer participating in activities that were enjoyable to me, including s*x. I was exhausted. I was no longer connected to my friends. I got to thinking and realized none of this was the case before we got married, so I took a break from the marriage and miracle of miracles I'm better. It turns out our marriage was the cause of our problems. So, I'm going to extend the break and take it to the next level, divorce."
Binky Melnik 6 hours ago (edited)
Poor man is *still* hopeful that the woman he knew before they married, the one who did fun things with him all the time and boned him, is still in there somewhere and that she’ll come out again. I think it’s a long shot. Not that the wonderful girl is still in there, but that even if she is, she may not come out for long. I speak from experience; on balance, I’ve spent waaay more of my life in the throes of massive depression, even going so far as to have a month’s worth of ECT treatments, than I have *not* being depressed. I worry that he thinks depression is like most other illnesses, that she’ll recover and return to Bubbly Girl again forever. He didn’t mention that he understands that for nearly every sufferer, it’s a relapsing/remitting disorder, so he won’t have seen the end of it when she manages to beat it … this time. Odds are EXTREMELY high that it’ll be back again at some point, and that she’s spend her life worrying about the next bout. 😞 Poor man.
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Snow_White 1 hour ago
Not enough info regarding wife. Something is off here. Why was she depressed???
LakotaWolf (she/her) 13 hours ago
Poor OP. He's a gullible, naive, hopeful fool. His wife will realize how much work it is to actually have a productive, semi-normal life and relationship and will "slip into depression" again. She has to WANT to get better, and I'm not sure she actually does want to. It's very easy to apologize for your past and agree to do xyz things "in the future", but those things (and making amends) are usually a lot of work and a lot of extremely painful self-reflection. OP's wife will have to stare all her unpleasant parts in the face and work on them; she can't ignore them or sweep them under the rug. There's a chance she genuinely wants to change and truly is depressed, but as someone who has been chronically depressed since age 13 and suícidal fairly often, I know that it's a lot of hard work to work on yourself, and sometimes it feels overwhelming and you stop doing it after a few weeks or months. I'm not blaming his wife; it's a really difficult thing to do.
Robin Roper 12 hours ago
"Well you know wife, I realized I was depressed. I was no longer participating in activities that were enjoyable to me, including s*x. I was exhausted. I was no longer connected to my friends. I got to thinking and realized none of this was the case before we got married, so I took a break from the marriage and miracle of miracles I'm better. It turns out our marriage was the cause of our problems. So, I'm going to extend the break and take it to the next level, divorce."
Binky Melnik 6 hours ago (edited)
Poor man is *still* hopeful that the woman he knew before they married, the one who did fun things with him all the time and boned him, is still in there somewhere and that she’ll come out again. I think it’s a long shot. Not that the wonderful girl is still in there, but that even if she is, she may not come out for long. I speak from experience; on balance, I’ve spent waaay more of my life in the throes of massive depression, even going so far as to have a month’s worth of ECT treatments, than I have *not* being depressed. I worry that he thinks depression is like most other illnesses, that she’ll recover and return to Bubbly Girl again forever. He didn’t mention that he understands that for nearly every sufferer, it’s a relapsing/remitting disorder, so he won’t have seen the end of it when she manages to beat it … this time. Odds are EXTREMELY high that it’ll be back again at some point, and that she’s spend her life worrying about the next bout. 😞 Poor man.
Load More Replies... Snow_White 1 hour ago
Not enough info regarding wife. Something is off here. Why was she depressed???
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