Some choose to remain child-free, and some decide to become parents. While Reddit user Opaquesilence and his wife agreed they wished to belong to the latter category, they couldn’t settle on a number that would satisfy them both—he wanted to stop having children after their second was born, and she asked for more. So, when his partner got pregnant again, the man started wondering if she could’ve baby-trapped him. To get an impartial opinion, he told their story online and invited people to share their thoughts.

This dad wanted no more kids, but his wife insisted

Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)

Now they have four and are barely making ends meet

Image credits: Andrej Lišakov (not the actual photo)

Image source: opaquesilence

Figuring out how many children you and your partner want is an issue that needs to be discussed as early as possible

Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)

According to licensed marriage and family therapist Wendy Hill, ideally, couples should discuss how many kids they want before they get married.

“Finding the right person is not just about being in love and having a great partnership. It’s working toward the same life goals,” she said. When those life goals don’t include the same number of kids, conflicts like the one we just read about become pretty much inevitable.

Raising kids can, indeed, be very costly. According to data provided by the Brookings Institution, an economic think tank, the average middle-income family with two children will spend $310,605 to raise a child born in 2015 (latest information) up to age 17 in 2032.

This number represents a significant jump from the figure presented by the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), which estimated the overall cost to be $233,610 in 2015.

It’s good that the man is thinking about the future, but the couple need to find a scenario they both are happy with.

“The most productive conversation you can have about that is to talk to each other about your hopes and fears,” Hill said. Partners who don’t want to have any more kids will often point to issues like feeling too old to start over with a newborn, or, as it was in this case, worries over the added financial expense of expanding the family. While Hill says those can be completely valid concerns, something else is often in play. “There’s usually a fear underneath that, and it’s worth exploring what that fear is.” Even a little probing can reveal different reasons, such as feeling like an inadequate parent to the children they already have.

On the flip side, the partner pushing for more children should also examine their motives. “If I want more kids,” Hill said, “What is that I’m missing out on? What is it that I may need that I’m not getting fulfilled right now?” The therapist said that if she’s seen any pattern emerge in her years of practice, it’s a feeling of being unloved. Partners who are dealing with their kids growing up and heading off to school may suddenly find themselves feeling lonely, and like no one needs them — but another baby won’t solve that particular problem. “You should never use a kid to meet your own needs,” Hill explained. “It’s worth exploring if there are other ways of getting the need met.”

Your partner’s views on the topic can certainly evolve over time, but Hill believes it’s not something either of you should bank on. So, it’s better to answer all of the questions sooner rather than later.

Opinion of Psychologist Daniel Hoadley

Sounds a lot like Empty Nest Syndrome. This is when parents feel lonely or lost as their kids gain independence. While the urge to have another baby is understandable, it doesn’t address the real emotional adjustment needed. – Daniel Hoadley

Many of those who read his story said the man was in the wrong

Some believe both parents have been irresponsible and are equally to blame

And a few feel like it’s the woman who’s at fault here

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