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Estranged Woman Finally Sees The Truth And Wants Dad Back In Her Life, He Doesn’t Want To Reconnect
When telling many stories, from sad to tragicomic, about divorces and affairs, we usually unwittingly put ourselves in the place of one of the adult participants in the events. We actually go through these tough situations with them. At the same time nearly forgetting that it’s often not adults who suffer the most.
Yes, if ex-spouses have children, and the divorce itself is very painful, then it is the kids who usually take the heaviest blow. This is what happened, for example, with the daughter of the user u/Expert_Permission_37, whose story we’re about to tell you today.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
The author of the post caught his wife having an affair 9 years ago, and she took her own life during the divorce
Image credits: SAULO LEITE (not the actual photo)
The woman’s parents meanwhile poisoned his teen daughter against him, badmouthing the dad heavily
Image credits: u/Expert_Permission_37
Image credits: Monstera Production (not the actual photo)
So, after a year of struggling with this, the guy let the daughter live with her grandparents and moved to Canada
Image credits: u/Expert_Permission_37
Image credits: George Chambers (not the actual photo)
However, 8 years later, it turned out that the daughter realized her grandparents had lied about the dad, and cut all ties with them
Image credits: u/Expert_Permission_37
Now, the 22-year-old woman is going to attend the author’s dad’s funeral and the man himself is in two minds about mending things with her
So, meet the Original Poster (OP), a 49-year-old man who 9 years ago caught his wife cheating, and in the process of divorcing, the woman also took her own life. She left behind a 13-year-old daughter – and everything that happened around her parents greatly influenced the girl’s psyche.
According to the author himself, the parents of his ex-wife regularly turned the girl against her father, with disdaining outright lies. The result was that the daughter literally hated the dad, gave him constant tantrums, escaped from home more than once… After a year of such a life, the author gave up and let the girl live with her grandparents.
So it turned out that a year after the death of her mom, the girl cut all ties with the dad, and he, being in a terrible mental state, left for Canada. As the author himself says, “To rebuild his life.” However, over the eight years that have passed since then, apparently, the OP has not been very successful in this, because, as he himself admits, “he’s still in the bad place.”
And so, recently the OP’s brother got in touch with him, telling him the sad news about the passing of their father. Moreover, it turned out that the author’s daughter, who is now 22 years old, eventually realized that her grandparents were lying to her when they badmouthed her dad.
Now she has already cut contact with them and tried to mend things with her uncle and another grandpa. True, they did not give her father’s contact information, fearing for his mental state (and, according to the original poster, their fears were not in vain). And now she will definitely attend the OP’s father’s funeral.
But the original poster is not sure if, after all these years, he is ready to establish a relationship with his now adult daughter. He has too many painful memories associated with all this. So the author decided to ask people online for their opinions on what would be best for him to do here?
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
“Of course, this man can be understood – his world actually collapsed overnight, and he experienced a lot of pain also because his daughter wanted nothing to do with him,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. “At the same time, he should not forget that his daughter suffered much more stress at this time.”
“Thirteen years is a rather difficult age in any family, but here this girl was also affected by the loss of her mother, and her grandparents, who in every possible way turned her against her dad. And then he left, unwittingly confirming all the negative words that were said about him. This, it seems to me, was also a big mistake of this man.”
“However, now the circumstances have changed – and it would still be worth trying to mend things with the daughter. After all, now she is already an adult, and not that confused, devastated teenager who avoided communication with her dad. In the end, if the daughter had made the right conclusions for herself, then she definitely deserves to have at least one parent in her life,” Irina summarizes.
As for the people in the comments to the original post, not one of them advised the author to continue self-isolating from his daughter. Moreover, the opinions of responders were divided from criticism of the father for being faint-hearted eight years ago and not continuing to fight for his child, to encouraging advice to reconcile with her.
“Your daughter is not the one at fault. She was a child. Her grandparents were at fault. She figured that out. She cut contact with them. She’s making amends,” one of the commenters expresses the general opinion of the people there. “Consider that before writing her off for things that had to do with her being used by her grandparents.”
“You were also accountable to be her parent during this time and you gave up – maybe for valid reasons of grief and hurt. But again, none of that was your child’s fault. Therapy is an option if you aren’t already,” the same person concludes wisely. And what would you, our dear readers, recommend to the original poster?
People in the comments mainly urged the man to reconcile with his daughter, claiming that she wasn’t guilty of her grandparents’ words
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
If OP is not in a place to handle it, don't. Go do the work and get to a place where you can meet her. Send an explanation now, but if the meeting coupled with your father's death is going to ruin you, that won't help the relationship. Find a good therapist or some sort. Doesn't have to be traditional therapy, but get something that works for you.
Zoe Vokes 1 year ago
“Grow up,” “get over it,” and “don’t be so sensitive,” are always great advice to somebody with mental health problems. If you have any trauma in life then simply “get over it” and everything will be fine. No need for therapy.
Load More Replies...
dremetrius 1 year ago
I would haunt the s**t out of my partner if their reaction to discovering our child was being manipulated and abused by my own family was to walk away from the 13yo kid and never look back. And okay, fine, needs time to process, etc. But he's had NINE YEARS to deal with this s**t while being in a position of knowing the truth. Meanwhile his daughter lost her mama as a toddler, her dad at 13ish, then had to do all her growing up herself, in addition to finding out that the people she thought loved her lied. Does he not want her back in his life because he's hurt, or because he found an excuse to quit parenting once his wife was gone?
Susie Elle 1 year ago
I came here to say this. That poor kid. Everyone's making it about themselves while the real victim here is the child that was abandoned and manipulated. Why would you not want to reconnect with your daughter, even if she did cut contact with you and you KNOW she was manipulated?
Load More Replies...
HTakeover 1 year ago (edited)
Ignoring all other people issues, do you want to go? If so, have the brother talk with & front-load the daughter that you're not ready to converse or interact with her yet as ripping that wound open on top of this one will be too much to handle and would cause irreparable harm. But if she wants to leave contact info, possibly a brief letter or something, with the brother for you to read later down the line when you're in a better place and with no guarantees that will ever happen, that would be fine. But not to expect anything at all. And if she attempts to break those boundaries, it's over; there's no going back after that. And I'm sure brother knows & won't, but emphasize not to give that contact info out.
Margaret Shannon 1 year ago
I was in a similar position with my father, albeit less toxic. My father never reproached me nor held a grudge. He just gave me unconditional love and understanding. That is what healed our relationship.
Doodles1983 1 year ago
My partner may face this one day. His ex alienated his 2 daughters with (since proven legally) lies. They were 12 and 9. They're now 15 and 12. He tried courts, mediation. He is standing by court order. She isn't. I suggested he return to court as she is in violation. But the damage. And the level of continued rejection he feels. Yes they're kids. Yes their mother manipulated them. But he had a choice to make. Keep fighting and disintegrating his own mental health. Or, let it lie until (he hopes) they get in touch. He chose his mental health. He says the door is open. When they're ready or want to get his perspectives. I'm terrified of the ticking time bomb. To those saying OP is the adult here. Yes. He is. But it doesn't magic away everything that came with their disengaging with us. She is an evil woman. She also isolated him from friends, his side of the family. Even their life together. He worked 70 hours a week to pay for horses and private school. If he was close enough to get home she said no because it disturbed their routine. I hope I never see her again. And if I see them. They will get everything factual. We have everything saved as proof in date order. I would like them to know. To realise and understand what their mother did to them. But my partner takes priority. Whatever he chooses (has now said he may not want to reconnect as, the longer it goes, the older they get and the more rejected he feels). Adulthood doesn't negate the mental and emotional damage that happens.
Alex Mosby 1 year ago
Nope. He literally could have stopped contact with the grandparents at the first sign. Why would he let them keep telling her lies year after year. He had a decade to course correct and chose to let them have custody. Then he had almost another decade to get his c**p together. This guy was full of it from day one.
Nikki Angulo 1 year ago
None of the above. He needs to be in therapy, probably both without and with the daughter. They could help start to repair this broken relationship. Honestly, the daughter should have been put in therapy when these issues began!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
If OP is not in a place to handle it, don't. Go do the work and get to a place where you can meet her. Send an explanation now, but if the meeting coupled with your father's death is going to ruin you, that won't help the relationship. Find a good therapist or some sort. Doesn't have to be traditional therapy, but get something that works for you.
Zoe Vokes 1 year ago
“Grow up,” “get over it,” and “don’t be so sensitive,” are always great advice to somebody with mental health problems. If you have any trauma in life then simply “get over it” and everything will be fine. No need for therapy.
Load More Replies... dremetrius 1 year ago
I would haunt the s**t out of my partner if their reaction to discovering our child was being manipulated and abused by my own family was to walk away from the 13yo kid and never look back. And okay, fine, needs time to process, etc. But he's had NINE YEARS to deal with this s**t while being in a position of knowing the truth. Meanwhile his daughter lost her mama as a toddler, her dad at 13ish, then had to do all her growing up herself, in addition to finding out that the people she thought loved her lied. Does he not want her back in his life because he's hurt, or because he found an excuse to quit parenting once his wife was gone?
Susie Elle 1 year ago
I came here to say this. That poor kid. Everyone's making it about themselves while the real victim here is the child that was abandoned and manipulated. Why would you not want to reconnect with your daughter, even if she did cut contact with you and you KNOW she was manipulated?
Load More Replies... HTakeover 1 year ago (edited)
Ignoring all other people issues, do you want to go? If so, have the brother talk with & front-load the daughter that you're not ready to converse or interact with her yet as ripping that wound open on top of this one will be too much to handle and would cause irreparable harm. But if she wants to leave contact info, possibly a brief letter or something, with the brother for you to read later down the line when you're in a better place and with no guarantees that will ever happen, that would be fine. But not to expect anything at all. And if she attempts to break those boundaries, it's over; there's no going back after that. And I'm sure brother knows & won't, but emphasize not to give that contact info out.
Margaret Shannon 1 year ago
I was in a similar position with my father, albeit less toxic. My father never reproached me nor held a grudge. He just gave me unconditional love and understanding. That is what healed our relationship.
Doodles1983 1 year ago
My partner may face this one day. His ex alienated his 2 daughters with (since proven legally) lies. They were 12 and 9. They're now 15 and 12. He tried courts, mediation. He is standing by court order. She isn't. I suggested he return to court as she is in violation. But the damage. And the level of continued rejection he feels. Yes they're kids. Yes their mother manipulated them. But he had a choice to make. Keep fighting and disintegrating his own mental health. Or, let it lie until (he hopes) they get in touch. He chose his mental health. He says the door is open. When they're ready or want to get his perspectives. I'm terrified of the ticking time bomb. To those saying OP is the adult here. Yes. He is. But it doesn't magic away everything that came with their disengaging with us. She is an evil woman. She also isolated him from friends, his side of the family. Even their life together. He worked 70 hours a week to pay for horses and private school. If he was close enough to get home she said no because it disturbed their routine. I hope I never see her again. And if I see them. They will get everything factual. We have everything saved as proof in date order. I would like them to know. To realise and understand what their mother did to them. But my partner takes priority. Whatever he chooses (has now said he may not want to reconnect as, the longer it goes, the older they get and the more rejected he feels). Adulthood doesn't negate the mental and emotional damage that happens.
Alex Mosby 1 year ago
Nope. He literally could have stopped contact with the grandparents at the first sign. Why would he let them keep telling her lies year after year. He had a decade to course correct and chose to let them have custody. Then he had almost another decade to get his c**p together. This guy was full of it from day one.
Nikki Angulo 1 year ago
None of the above. He needs to be in therapy, probably both without and with the daughter. They could help start to repair this broken relationship. Honestly, the daughter should have been put in therapy when these issues began!
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