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“So I try to laugh about it, cover it all up with lies. I try to laugh about it, hiding the tears in my eyes. Cause boys don’t cry, boys don’t cry.” This classic song by ‘The Cure’ portrays an attitude that is increasingly being recognized as causing great harm to boys as they grow up, pressuring them into feeling guilty or ‘weak’ for expressing their emotions in a natural and healthy way.
This Facebook post by Lyra Balearica shows that it isn’t just men that sustain this damaging cycle, it is far ingrained into the western culture and many women are just as responsible. Lyra shared a story about a woman who chose to berate a boy for nervous tears before getting blood drawn by telling him to ‘man up.’ “I’m a phlebotomist, almost all I do all day is draw blood,” she told Bored Panda. “I don’t know if the woman was his mother, aunt, sister, etc for sure as I don’t like to assume stuff like that without knowing for sure. But during the blood draw the kid did a really good job of holding it together. I hope my words helped him. He seemed to light up a bit after but was still visibly nervous even after it was all done.”
Because attitudes do not change overnight, it is only by having this conversation that we can begin the process of ‘normalizing’ the freedom for boys to express themselves as they wish. Various types of research have shown the damage that emotional suppression can have in later life, so learning how to respond to and regulate emotions accordingly is a vital thing for children to learn. Lyra thinks toxic masculinity has a lot to answer for. “I definitely see feminism as a force that wants to allow men to be who they are and to form emotional bonds without stigmas,” she told us. “And yes, I think this has really negative consequences for all genders. It’s absolutely important to understand that boys and men are victims of sexual assault. And it’s crucial to understand that most perpetrators of assault, including abusers of men, are men themselves. It all leads to a pretty bad place.”
Scroll down below to see the post for yourself, and let us know what you think in the comments. (Cover image: iStock / fatihhoca)
RELATED:
Lyra Balearica recently witnessed a gender stereotype of “boys don’t cry” still being used today and decided to speak up
Image credits: Lyra Balearica
People had lots to add:
What do you think? Let us know in the comments below
What do you think ?
Flisey 7 years ago
There is only two things you shouldn't cry over, a sore tummy or a headache. Crying makes those two things more painful. For everything else, if feel you need to cry then cry. I am always reminding my son of this.
Caroline Murphy 7 years ago
Hannah.. Maybe your brother gets it worse than the rest of you? The last time me and my dad had colds at the same time, he was the one upbeat and doing the chores, while I was in bed moaning the whole day. And I'm a woman
Load More Replies...
Daria B 7 years ago
I would like to praise this person, Lyra Balearica, for how she handled the situation. Seriously, people should "man up" and let the world make real progress, not stagnating into what was proven to be harmful for everyone in the community. Best wishes for that kid, and for his parents to realise what they are doing.
Juana 7 years ago
Emotions shouldn't be suppressed in children or adults. But we all do need to learn to control our own emotions. For example angry outbursts and temper tantrums are not OK. It's OK to feel anger if something is unfair but not to lash out at others because of it. It's OK to be scared of a needle and cry a little but not OK to scream and cry and make a scene (I'm not saying that's what the boy in the story did). This is what should be taught to children. Praise them when they express their emotions in the right way and correct them only when it goes overboard and hurts others.
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
I think we should be careful to not confuse emotions and feelings : fear and anger are emotions; happiness, love, sadness or grief are feelings. One could say that the ones that come and go quickly, sometimes so quickly that we can't control them, are emotions, whilst the ones that grow slowly and steadily are feelings.
Load More Replies...
Helen Frances 7 years ago
Crying is cathartic, it gives your emotions a good scrub out, makes you stronger. This applies to men just as much as to women. Listening to a sad song can start you off if you need a way in. I cry often, at a sad story on the news, at a sad song or passage in a book. Give it a try, you won't be sorry.
Aahzmandus Pervect 7 years ago
Women and femmes? What's the difference? I don't want to look for it, can somebody explain it for everyone?
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
Thanks for asking : as a french talking person, it confuses me too.
Load More Replies...
Aaron Kara 7 years ago
It's horrible that this happens but we are seeing more awareness and change in public opinion about the severity of problems faced by men. I'm hoping that this improved awareness may alleviate the social and culture pressure from men to adhere to standards of masculinity. I can be emotional and I definitely feel uncomfortable expressing emotion that can be conveyed as weakness, especially in front of my partner, as I feel it might colour her view of my strength and make me less desirable, which is ridiculous but true. So anger becomes an emotional crutch for men who don't want to seem vulnerable. It's a crying shame (excuse the pun) but I believe change is happening, which is a testament to people driving that change through the will to support the vulnerable and oppressed in our society.
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
I don't know where the idea of "crying=weakness" is coming from. If I see a man cry, I don't think AT ALL that he's weak. I think that he's strong enough to show his vulnerability, to lay down his armour, because he knows that he can pick it up later. It's like laying down a heavy burden, just the time to take a break, then picking it up again and carry on. It's OK to take a break. It doesn't mean you're weak if you need a break now and then, is it ?
Load More Replies...
ukoms 7 years ago
It's healthy to show emotions. But do you ever wonder why do people tell boys not to cry or show emotions? Here is the reason. Whether you are progender or not, fact is a fact - over millenia mankind was divided into gender roles. Men who are for species less valuable (this is true - women are more valuable for species because they give birth) where assigned roles that were more risky. This comes also because of gender dimorphism - men are physically bigger than women. Men hunt and fought with other men over resources and women, but they also need to keep some kind of status quo - nobody really wants to die. But if chance appears - they would take it. Why fight with strong opponent if you can take a weak one instead? What chance? Sign of weakness, like... crying. Boys were told not to cry, because this would probably make them a target of attack. In some way, this was trying to protect them (and their group). Is this still valid today? You tell me - what people say about crying men...?
Whatevers not taken 7 years ago
I'm sorry girls are more valuable because of birth. You still need a guy to get pregnant. Sure its harder on the woman doesn't make you more valuable. You argument is invalid. Didn't even need to read the rest.
Load More Replies...
Beatrice Multhaupt 7 years ago
It's probably worse than you think. I'm female, born into a German family, where the explicitly stated rule was, ''Show no emotions. Ever. Don't cry. Ever. Express no gratitude (makes you look weak). If you have to go to a funeral..''..o.k., do I really have to complete this sentence? I'm 64 now and still working on myself but believe me, I didn't grow up with only violent men. It's unisex. I sympathize with the guys struggling to express their feelings but wonder how many other cultures there are that forbid some form of self expression, like North American culture implicitly preventing most women from expressing intelligence.
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
Wow ! I'm just like you, female german, but born in '76, and I experienced nothing like this regarding emotions or feelings ! In my family, however, we had an unspoken rule about questions : don't ask anything if you can find out by yourself, or you'll be made fun of : "Stupid question, stupid answer" Result ? I don't ask questions. I look, I listen, I think, I wonder, and people think I don't care... -__-
Load More Replies... Flisey 7 years ago
There is only two things you shouldn't cry over, a sore tummy or a headache. Crying makes those two things more painful. For everything else, if feel you need to cry then cry. I am always reminding my son of this.
Caroline Murphy 7 years ago
Hannah.. Maybe your brother gets it worse than the rest of you? The last time me and my dad had colds at the same time, he was the one upbeat and doing the chores, while I was in bed moaning the whole day. And I'm a woman
Load More Replies... Daria B 7 years ago
I would like to praise this person, Lyra Balearica, for how she handled the situation. Seriously, people should "man up" and let the world make real progress, not stagnating into what was proven to be harmful for everyone in the community. Best wishes for that kid, and for his parents to realise what they are doing.
Juana 7 years ago
Emotions shouldn't be suppressed in children or adults. But we all do need to learn to control our own emotions. For example angry outbursts and temper tantrums are not OK. It's OK to feel anger if something is unfair but not to lash out at others because of it. It's OK to be scared of a needle and cry a little but not OK to scream and cry and make a scene (I'm not saying that's what the boy in the story did). This is what should be taught to children. Praise them when they express their emotions in the right way and correct them only when it goes overboard and hurts others.
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
I think we should be careful to not confuse emotions and feelings : fear and anger are emotions; happiness, love, sadness or grief are feelings. One could say that the ones that come and go quickly, sometimes so quickly that we can't control them, are emotions, whilst the ones that grow slowly and steadily are feelings.
Load More Replies... Helen Frances 7 years ago
Crying is cathartic, it gives your emotions a good scrub out, makes you stronger. This applies to men just as much as to women. Listening to a sad song can start you off if you need a way in. I cry often, at a sad story on the news, at a sad song or passage in a book. Give it a try, you won't be sorry.
Aahzmandus Pervect 7 years ago
Women and femmes? What's the difference? I don't want to look for it, can somebody explain it for everyone?
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
Thanks for asking : as a french talking person, it confuses me too.
Load More Replies... Aaron Kara 7 years ago
It's horrible that this happens but we are seeing more awareness and change in public opinion about the severity of problems faced by men. I'm hoping that this improved awareness may alleviate the social and culture pressure from men to adhere to standards of masculinity. I can be emotional and I definitely feel uncomfortable expressing emotion that can be conveyed as weakness, especially in front of my partner, as I feel it might colour her view of my strength and make me less desirable, which is ridiculous but true. So anger becomes an emotional crutch for men who don't want to seem vulnerable. It's a crying shame (excuse the pun) but I believe change is happening, which is a testament to people driving that change through the will to support the vulnerable and oppressed in our society.
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
I don't know where the idea of "crying=weakness" is coming from. If I see a man cry, I don't think AT ALL that he's weak. I think that he's strong enough to show his vulnerability, to lay down his armour, because he knows that he can pick it up later. It's like laying down a heavy burden, just the time to take a break, then picking it up again and carry on. It's OK to take a break. It doesn't mean you're weak if you need a break now and then, is it ?
Load More Replies... ukoms 7 years ago
It's healthy to show emotions. But do you ever wonder why do people tell boys not to cry or show emotions? Here is the reason. Whether you are progender or not, fact is a fact - over millenia mankind was divided into gender roles. Men who are for species less valuable (this is true - women are more valuable for species because they give birth) where assigned roles that were more risky. This comes also because of gender dimorphism - men are physically bigger than women. Men hunt and fought with other men over resources and women, but they also need to keep some kind of status quo - nobody really wants to die. But if chance appears - they would take it. Why fight with strong opponent if you can take a weak one instead? What chance? Sign of weakness, like... crying. Boys were told not to cry, because this would probably make them a target of attack. In some way, this was trying to protect them (and their group). Is this still valid today? You tell me - what people say about crying men...?
Whatevers not taken 7 years ago
I'm sorry girls are more valuable because of birth. You still need a guy to get pregnant. Sure its harder on the woman doesn't make you more valuable. You argument is invalid. Didn't even need to read the rest.
Load More Replies... Beatrice Multhaupt 7 years ago
It's probably worse than you think. I'm female, born into a German family, where the explicitly stated rule was, ''Show no emotions. Ever. Don't cry. Ever. Express no gratitude (makes you look weak). If you have to go to a funeral..''..o.k., do I really have to complete this sentence? I'm 64 now and still working on myself but believe me, I didn't grow up with only violent men. It's unisex. I sympathize with the guys struggling to express their feelings but wonder how many other cultures there are that forbid some form of self expression, like North American culture implicitly preventing most women from expressing intelligence.
Caroline Espenschied 7 years ago
Wow ! I'm just like you, female german, but born in '76, and I experienced nothing like this regarding emotions or feelings ! In my family, however, we had an unspoken rule about questions : don't ask anything if you can find out by yourself, or you'll be made fun of : "Stupid question, stupid answer" Result ? I don't ask questions. I look, I listen, I think, I wonder, and people think I don't care... -__-
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