20 Polite But Still Savage Ways To Tell Off Your Coworkers Or Boss Without Getting Fired
Interview With Author
Like slang, corporate jargon is driven by trends and evolves over time. For example, "bleeding edge" has basically replaced "cutting edge" to signify the latest innovation. So if someone wants to master it, they need to stay updated.
Content creator Professor Corporate is here to help. He regularly translates English phrases for setting boundaries, telling off annoying bosses, and other useful situations into this intricate language, arming everyone with the essential linguistic tools for surviving in the office.
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This is how you say I f*****g quit because you're a sh**ty manager, but in corporate.
-Fortunately, I've decided to pursue a new opportunity. While I've enjoyed most of my time here, I simply don't feel I've had adequate enough support from either yourself or other members of leadership. I wish we could have found a way to make this work, but I simply don't feel like there's been enough time and commitment put into my own growth and development.
-While I've decided to take on a new opportunity. I do want to give you feedback that your management style is one of the driving forces in my departure. So I highly encourage you to take that into account for the next person
"Help me understand"
If somebody doesn’t know what the f**k they’re doing, are intentionally ignoring your instructions, you can say something like, ‘help me understand where the disconnect is’.
Or if you’re somebody that’s struggling to get a raise or promotion, you could say your manager ‘help me understand what exactly it’ll take me to get to the next level.’
Or if you know somebody is full of s**t, and you just don’t agree with them. You can say something like, 'help me understand your thought process here because now they actually have to explain their rationale. If there was any. You know, because good employees give people the benefit of the doubt.'
"My proficiency in corporate talk comes from experience," the content creator told Bored Panda. "I've been in the corporate world, including retail and tech industries, for about 11 years."
"Like many others, when I first started working, I was usually the one that was bullied, the one that wasn't treated with respect, the one that was being underpaid, and the one that was simply being exploited, no matter how hard I worked," he revealed.
But there's only so much one can take. "I quickly got tired of being passed up for promotions and raises that I knew I deserved and was determined to find a new path. This is when I started studying higher-ups and executives at these companies to understand what they were doing differently."
This was when Professor Corporate began to think that a substantial portion of them weren't in their positions because of their skills or experience. "Frankly many of them were not that great at all. But what they were good at was optics. They knew how to look and talk the part. This realization is what made me focus on improving how I communicated because it is all a part of the game that is Corporate America."
Here is how to say “I don’t get paid to do your f*cking job” at work in corporate.
-Love to continue helping but my bandwidth no longer permits it.
-I wish I could help, but I'm currently occupied with other obligations that I'm directly responsible for.
-Love to help but given this falls outside of my scope of responsibilities, I'd love to make sure that we follow this with a more formal conversation about how my role may evolve. This way we can make sure that I'm being fairly compensated for tasks like this moving forward.
Here is how to say “keep my name out your f*****g mouth” at work in corporate.
-Hey, thanks for catching up. It's been brought to my attention that there's been a few side conversation where my name has been brought up, but I haven't been looped in. So I thought we'd have a conversation directly.
-Help me understand your point of view because the only way we're going to come to a resolution is if you speak with me directly.
-Moving forward, if you have any feedback about myself or the team, I would expect that you share it in the appropriate channels.
Last year, the e-learning platform Preply polled over 1,000 working Americans about their feelings on corporate jargon, and the results clearly showed that they would prefer less of it, especially in job postings.
Respondents to the survey found "like a family" to be the most annoying phrase — with 38% of votes — followed closely by "fast-paced environment" — 37%.
Just over a quarter of respondents reported that they encounter corporate jargon multiple times a day through various means of communication, mostly in emails, then in-person meetings, and instant messaging, but significantly less on phone or video calls, the survey indicated.
This is how you say I don't know who the f**k you think you're talking to, but you better stop talking to me like I'm stupid. But in corporate.
-I'm not totally clear on why you're sharing information that I'm already well aware of. So can you please elaborate?
-I appreciate the reminder. But have I given you any reason to suspect that I don't have a handle on things as I want to make sure there's no miscommunication?
-If you have any feedback for me, it's in both of our best interest for you to share it directly as I could help resolve any misunderstandings that you may have.
Nah,I'd definitely go with the "Who the fűck do you think you're talking to?"
This is how you say please stop micromanaging me, or else, but in corporate.
-If there's anything that's given you any indication that I need any additional supervision, please let me know so I can put your mind at ease.
-I appreciate your support, but I want to make sure that your time is better utilised. So feel free to roll off of this one.
- Huh, I guess I'm just a bit confused. I trust that when you hired me you understood that I was fully capable of handling this on my own. Unless of course you're questioning your own judgement.
Professor Corporate believes that being well-versed in corporate talk gives an employee an advantage over those who are not. "If hard work was all it took to be successful in corporate, we would have vastly different c-suites and board rooms," he said. "Working hard is the myth middle management will preach to you to keep you running on their hamster wheel."
"Is it an important factor? Absolutely. But there is a lot more to it. Whether we like it or not, speaking a certain way commands a level of respect that will impact how people interact with you, what opportunities are presented to you and even how much money you will end up making."
According to the content creator, "we all wish we could work in environments where we can be extremely blunt and direct, but I think we all have stories of where this has backfired quickly. Those environments are just too rare to expect to be the norm."
"Corporate talk enables you to convey your points in a way that is more socially acceptable without repercussion (or at least less likely). You can either complain about it and get nowhere or play the game better than the ones using it you take advantage of you. I choose the latter," he explained.
This is how you say respectfully, go f**k yourself, but in corporate.
-I'm sorry, it seems like we're getting off track and I want to make sure that we're making the most efficient use of everyone's time. So can you trim out the extra details and focus only on the primary points?
-Your opinion isn't one that's actively being sought after at this point in time, but we'll be sure to follow up should anything change.
-This requires a level of expertise that you're not adequately equipped with. So while I appreciate your desire to be involved, your systems won't be required at this time.
This is not to say with all I do around here, you would think you'd f****g appreciate me a little more, but in corporate.
-Yeah, of course I'd be happy to help. But before we do that, let's make sure that we prioritise a conversation around how this aligns with my career growth.
-Could you help me understand whether the projects I'm currently working on are impactful? I only ask because I haven't felt like there's been much recognition and I want to make sure I understand where that's coming from.
-Please don't mistake my willingness to take on more as a reflection of my own wants as if there isn't proper acknowledgement moving forward, I will have to adjust accordingly.
The US Foreign Service Institute (FSI) divides languages into 4 groups of difficulty for speakers.
FSI research indicates that, on average, it takes an English speaker 24 to 30 weeks (600-750 class hours) to achieve proficiency in Category I languages (those that are similar to English, for example, Danish, Swedish, and Romanian) and 88 weeks (or 2200 class hours) in Category 4 (Arabic, Japanese, Korean).
Professor Corporate said learning corporate speak can feel daunting but it's easier than most realize. "Confidence comes from exposure, experience, and repetition."
"I was in the fortunate position to be surrounded by people who spoke like this and observing how and why they used certain words was something I used to mirror."
This is how you say respectfully shut the f**k up. But in corporate.
-You seem to have quite a strong point of view for someone missing the necessary context.
-Your point of view is valued but now's not the time or place.
-If you're going to speak over me, please ensure that there's substance that you plan to offer as to not derail the conversation.
Well definitely softer, all those still sound to me like things only a boss could get away with saying. Is it just me?
This is how you say when the f**k are you giving me a raise, but in corporate.
-Hey, thanks for catching up. I wanted to have a conversation to discuss my performance. As you know, career growth is something that's extremely important to me and I wanted to discuss a potential timeline and make sure that we were on the same page.
-While I appreciate the added responsibilities, I'd love to understand the bigger picture of how and when this will translate into a more formal opportunity either via a raise or a promotion.
-Hey, so it's been a while since we had our initial conversation around performance and since then, I've either met or surpassed all expectations, and I'd love to better understand how this will impact my compensation moving forward, if I'm gonna stay committed.
That second one is too open-ended. Don't think for a minute that they won't consider the "or" in that phrase to mean give you a promotion and no increase in compensation.
It's important to set yourself up for success. "The main way to learn is to start slowly. You don't need to completely change your vocabulary overnight," Professor Corporate highlighted. "Start by implementing a few new words or phrases in your day-to-day work day and it will become natural over time."
"Another tip is to start with written communication. Practice in your emails (and even text messages if you want to annoy people). But otherwise, there aren't many resources I've found to be too helpful personally, which was a driving force of why I created my account and why I created the community we've built called the Corporate Clapback Academy."
For everyone interested, Professor Corporate will be soon offering more formal training, including eBooks and personalized consultations. Anyone interested can sign up for updates here.
This is how you say you better stop trying to throw me under the bus because you might get run over first, but in corporate.
-Before we jump into feedback, why don't we recap everyone's roles and responsibilities. This way we can accurately allocate said feedback.
-Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to work with you moving forward, but I'd be happy to reconsider as soon as you acknowledge and take ownership of your shortcomings.
-No, it's totally understandable that you're afraid of taking accountability as a typically requires a level of maturity only obtained at more senior levels. And if it wasn't already as obvious to the team, I might be a bit more concerned, but at this stage, I'm more concerned about your reputation.
This is how you say if you don't f****g know how to be a good manager, just say that, but in corporate.
-I'd be happy to jump on this. But since there hasn't been any formal training on this, do you mind walking me through it the first time, you know, this way I can model it after someone who knows what they're doing.
-I appreciate that you want to help but I don't actually need assistance on the task itself. But where I would need your support is to help unblock challenges that are outside of my control.
-It's important for me to understand that my manager is invested in my career growth and thus far I haven't felt adequate support on that front as we haven't had any career conversations. So moving forward, I'd like to ensure that this is something that we can prioritise.
This is how you say you better watch your f*****g tone when you talk to me, but in corporate.
-Help me understand what you wish to accomplish by raising your voice.
-I understand that you believe you're correct but simply asserting so doesn't make it so.
-If you want to be taken seriously please check your emotions at the door and then we can resume.
We can achieve much more by not raising our voices or letting emotions get in the way of a productive discussion .
This is how you say sorry, I can't come to the phone right now or answer any of your messages because I'm on vacation, but in corporate.
-Hey, just as a reminder, I'm heading out on PTO next week. So if there's anything you need, please let me know now as I'll be fully off the grid.
-Hey, yeah, actually, I'm not going to be able to help with that. And I was just calling to say that I would greatly appreciate if you gave me the space to fully disconnect as intended. Otherwise, I just won't be able to operate at my best capacity upon my return. I appreciate your understanding in advance.
What's wrong with just saying that you're going on holiday and won't be available?
This is how to say I don't know who the f**k you think you're talking to, but you're going to stop talking down to me, but in corporate.
-Sure, I'd be happy to take a look, but I'm not gonna be able to drop what I'm doing currently. So why don't you go ahead and find some time on my calendar.
-I appreciate your point of view. But your experience doesn't quite translate to what we're working on.
-I respect that you've been here for a while. But the whole reason we're in this predicament in the first place is because we haven't had space for new ideas. So please allow others to speak as you've had ample opportunity.
It is hard to see how these responses relate to "talking down" to a colleague. "Talking down" IMO refers to being condescending, treating the other as deficient in knowledge or skills or character.
This is how you say sorry, but I'm not your f****g friend, but in corporate.
-So I'm not quite sure where the disconnect is, but our relationship outside of these walls is non existent.
-Yeah, it's just that in order for me to be most effective here, it's important that we keep our relationship professional at all times, though we can revisit at some point in the future.
-I appreciate you sharing, I really do, but these are conversations that you should only feel comfortable sharing with friends or family, neither of which colleagues such as myself, fall under.
Thanks for your trust in me. I'd like us to focus on our work together here. I hope that you will have a friend to discuss these personal concerns with.
This is how you say Stop f**king with me because I promise you're gonna regret it, in corporate.
-I couldn't help but notice that you've been distributing work that you're responsible for. And while I'd love to help, we're going to have to realign.
-You seem to be under the impression that because I'm new, I want to voice my opinion and I'd be more than happy to correct that misconception.
-Sharing your feedback publicly before coming to me directly shows an inability on your end to handle conflict, which is a common problem for more junior employees and I'd be more than happy to work with you on this area of development.
# 3 = breeding anger and resentment on the part of the listener. "I need you to stop sharing feedback publicly before coming directly to me. I will be happy to help you work on this". No need to disparage the person or the cohort of junior employees .
This is how you say Stop f*****g gossiping about me, but in corporate.
-I'm a bit confused why I'm a topic of conversation for you ,but if there's anything you'd like to learn more about my calendar is open.
-It doesn't bother me. But I do want to make sure that you understand that spreading narratives that are verifiably untrue is only going to reflect poorly on you.
-It's come to my attention that you're the source of feedback that's been circulating around me so I decided to book us a one on one so that we could address it directly in case you were too intimidated.
"It doesn't bother me, but ..." is corporate for: "I'm crying in my car before I'm off the parking lot." I am not sure if that would be what you want to convey.
This is how you say I can see right through you and you better stop being two faced, but in corporate.
-You seem to have multiple narratives depending on who you're speaking with, so help me understand the disconnect.
-In order to maintain credibility with me, you're going to need to ensure that your point of view isn't as fragile as it currently stands.
-You seem to have the habit of sharing information we've discussed in confidence with others, which is typically a sign of someone that is intellectually intimidated and I apologise for that. It won't happen again.
#3 is a verbal hand grenade. It would be more effective to say that the person has shared confidential information inappropriately and that they will no longer be given confidential information.
This is how you say you better f****g stop trying to make me look bad before we have a problem, but in corporate.
-There's been multiple occasions now where you've decided to speak out of turn and I'd appreciate if you gave me the respect and space to speak uninterrupted.
-If your plan is to continue to interject and make sure that your point of view isn't just based on your feelings and is backed by facts.
-I hate to be the one to inform you but your attempts to publicly criticise me won't overcompensate for your lack of abilities.
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It's English, Jim,but not as we know it.
These are all really freakin' brutal. I think there are less abrasive ways to get your message across. Because the "without getting fired" part of the article's headline is kind of laughable -- I feel like a lot of these would create a very confrontational work environment which may very well lead to them canning you eventually. If things are that bad that you have to resort to these sorts of comments, you should probably be looking for another gig.
No. You have to be brutal because they are all a bunch of a******s and they will screw you over any chance they get. There is no loyalty. You are nothing but an expense on a ledger. They care nothing about you. Always have your CV upto date and always have somewhere to go. Corporate America is run by and for a******s. It's called Human Resources because they will strip mine you like coal.
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It's English, Jim,but not as we know it.
These are all really freakin' brutal. I think there are less abrasive ways to get your message across. Because the "without getting fired" part of the article's headline is kind of laughable -- I feel like a lot of these would create a very confrontational work environment which may very well lead to them canning you eventually. If things are that bad that you have to resort to these sorts of comments, you should probably be looking for another gig.
No. You have to be brutal because they are all a bunch of a******s and they will screw you over any chance they get. There is no loyalty. You are nothing but an expense on a ledger. They care nothing about you. Always have your CV upto date and always have somewhere to go. Corporate America is run by and for a******s. It's called Human Resources because they will strip mine you like coal.
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