Confession Of A Teenager

Hey. I m going through a really critical phase of my life. Since 20 uears of age i used to be a very dedicated and hard working person. But then i don't know how, my emotions woke up. Perhaps because of less attention from my family. As we have a larger family with 8 siblings living together. I started looking for attention and i couldn't resist getting it by unfair means. It was my first year at university and there were a lot of competent students who further started getting on my nerves.i started underestimating myself and craved for attention even more. I lost interest in studies and thought if i became good looking I'll beat them. But i failed badly. I got a boy and made him to worship me and started manipulative behavior to get his attention and deal with my insecurities. Fortunately he believed me and became just like i wanted him to be. Whenever i did something wrong he ws the one i could rely on. I didn't love him but he started loving me. Eventually i got bored of him. And i started looking for someone else. I thought of having some more attention and i ditched him. No one noticed me and i also tried to escape to be noticed. He was asking for marriage and i denied by telling that my parents aren't convinced. I failed my exams as well. My mother tried to talk to me but i always ended up misbehaving. She was disappointed. I myself didn't know that i was wrong. My friends parents werr so good with them and deep inside i started to think that i don't have good parents and couldn't understand them.my parents wanted me to marry a good guy, but i was too proud and refused to marry with that guy bcz i thought i would find a better person than him. Then i started to talk with another person who started to notice that there is something wrong. He told me to understand myself but i started to confuse him. He left me as i was using him badly. When he left me i couldn't tolerate and i tried very hard to get him back without telling him. To calm my ego, i played emotions with 2 another friends who were sincere with mr but i knew that we could never be serious. But every time i talked to them i wasn't satisfied and eventually i came out of that situation. I thought that i was in love with that boy but actually i wasn't. It was just an egoistic response. Since i was wasting time and rejecting proposals, ultimately they people started rejecting me. I was bewildered how could someone reject me. Then i started analyzing my personality and i relized that there were many holes and shades in my personality and i wasn't able to convince people for being a good partner. Moreover, because of too much emotional dependency i wasn't able to perform academically, and i had wasted a lot of time. By the time i realized that people started to notice my age and my career. Only they noticed was that i m an unsuccessful person and that i don't deserve them. I felt pitiful. Now i had only my mom to support me. I felt sorry but i had no way to make up for my mistakes. I m still looking for something that could make my mom feel better ngood. I hurt her a lot. And she is so worried about me. Whoever comes refuses to marry me even though i m good person at heart and attractive and good looking but i don't know why people don't like me now. Even i don't like myself now. I cry and pray that may God forgive me. But still i m very disturbed.