Woman Helps Her Infertile Friend With The Next IVF Cycle, Then Finds Out She Mocked Her Behind Her Back, Cancels The Check
Friendship is one of the greatest achievements that humanity has learned over the millennia of its evolution. And indeed, this is a completely unique skill – to help another person who is not related to you by ties of kinship, completely disinterestedly, and moreover, to rejoice for them, for helping them. It’s one of those amazing feelings that makes us human.
However, as strong as this feeling can be, it can also be fragile. Confucius once said that “It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them”, and where distrust begins, a true friendship could actually end. Sometimes just a few words are enough to completely destroy what has been built for years and even whole decades.
Something similar happened to the heroine of this story, told by user u/South_Marine3167 on the AITA Reddit community. The post proved to be very popular, garnering nearly 27.3K upvotes and over 2.8K comments in just a few days. And here, apparently, ended the story of her friendship, which had lasted a decade and a half. So, let’s talk about everything in order.
More info: Reddit
The author of the post divorced with her husband several years ago as he wanted to have children and she turned out to be infertile
Image credits: Anna Marija Liljestrand (not the actual image)
The author of the original post says that she is 35 years old and, alas, infertile. With her ex-husband, the woman tried everything to have kids, but all their efforts were just in vain. It all ended very sadly – as a result, the husband divorced the OP, went to another, younger woman, now they already have one child and she is pregnant for the second time.
Image credits: u/Sounth_Marine3167
Accordingly, as the OP herself tells, for her, the topic of infertility and adultery has become extremely painful. The woman did not receive support from relatives, who, on the contrary, blamed her for the collapse of her family, so her friends became her main support in this difficult situation. For example, “Alessia”, with whom the OP, moreover, ended up in the same “infertility boat”.
Image credits: u/Sounth_Marine3167
The woman’s friend who is also infertile once asked her to help financially with their next IVF cycle so the author handed her a $12K check
However, Alessia and her husband have not given up on trying to have children, and resorted to IVF. One fine day, she asked the OP to help them pay for a new cycle, and the woman agreed to write a check for $12,000. As the OP herself admits, she sincerely wanted to help her friend, and did not put any conditions on the return of this money. She just wrote a check and handed it to Alessia, for which she thanked her from the bottom of her heart.
Image credits: Denise P.S. (not the actual image)
How disappointed the OP was when the next day, their mutual friend, “Carol”, sent her a screenshot of her conversation with Alessia, where, during the IVF discussion, she, in particular, wrote that “she didn’t wanna end up divorced, and having her husband go marry someone younger and have a baby with them and another one on the way! While she’s alone and without a family at 35!”
Image credits: u/Sounth_Marine3167
When the woman found out that her friend mocked her infertility and divorce in private texts the same day, she just cancelled that check
Given that Alessia is now 32 years old, the OP quite logically assumed that it was just about her. The woman was so indignant that she simply called the bank and canceled her check. After some time, Alessia called her and asked what happened. The OP could not stand it and told off her friend, being totally outraged by her behavior. Alessia did not deny it, but stated that it was just an “inside joke” between “desperate infertile women”.
Image credits: u/Sounth_Marine3167
However, this did not make it any easier for our heroine. She flatly refused to renew the payment – even when Alessia and her husband came over to her, begging her not to cancel the check. Alessia’s husband called the OP’s behavior dishonorable – after all, she refused to support his wife, while she actively supported her during the divorce process and after it. As for Carol, the indignant man simply called her a “toxic snake.”
Image credits: u/Sounth_Marine3167
The woman thinks that this case puts an end to their fifteen-year history of friendship
Still, the OP didn’t change her mind, and she and Alessia haven’t spoken to since. The woman discussed the incident with Carol more than once and came to the disappointing conclusion that this seemed to put an end to her and Alessia’s fifteen-year history of friendship.
Image credits: u/Sounth_Marine3167
However, people in the comments almost unanimously supported the OP in this situation. In their opinion, it was a cruel thing to do of Alessia, especially after the OP was so gracious towards her and her spouse. In addition, as commenters note, the worth of any person is not connected to their ability to bear children.
Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual image)
People in the comments side with the author of the post, admiring her generosity as well
Moreover, commenters have admired the OP’s generosity as well. As some of them honestly admit, for twelve thousand dollars with no strings attached, they would be ready to literally carry her in their arms, ask her to become a godparent of their future kid, and generally wake up grateful for her existence every given day. Which, in fact, once again underlines the ingratitude that the OP was repaid by her now-ex-friend.
Image credits: u/Sounth_Marine3167
We believe that by this point you have already accurately formed your own opinion about the heroes of this tale, so we’re looking forward to your comments. After all, in the end, every story needs a public opinion, so please feel free to leave your comments below.
NTA. Frankly, it's weird that she asked you to pay for her IVF. How does this couple expect to afford a child if they can't manage to pay for their own IVF? Weren't they saving up for the treatments? It seems you were being treated like a bank, not a friend.
Well raising a kid is less of a lump sum than IVF so I can kind of understand that, but it is weird to ask your friends to help you pay.
Load More Replies...Nta-she talked behind your back and said it was an "inside joke" she talked about your infertility problems,when she is too,it's not funny when you're talking about someone behind their back. She didn't deserve the money
Mean people need to be more careful what they write down. I also have family like this.
Load More Replies...If that was a spare 12,000 dollars I think it should be set aside for any of the Ops future attempts to start her own family. I don't understand where the entitlement to this kind of money comes from tbh unless the OP is seriously well off or the same has been extended to her by this friend in the past.
You would think that receiving $12K from a friend with no strings attached would buy a little loyalty. Entitlement knows no bounds!
It's not even 'flaws', it's an illness and a very serious one... How this can be an inside joke among friends? This is mind-blowing to me
Load More Replies...I'd your so called friend had not talked about you behind your back, this issue would not have happened. The true colors came out. You don't owe her a thing . Did she give you financial support while you were trying to get pregnant? If not, don't worry about it . You don't have to deal with her disrespectful attitude . And they both need to finance to process themselves. My friend D worked 3 jobs to finance the ivf for his wife. Nat
She's not your friend. NTA. Good for Carol! Carol is your friend!
Having gone through infertility myself, luckily not having to go through IVF, I can 100% agree NTA. What a terrible "friend"!! That money would be better spent ANYWHERE else for OP. I just can't imagine making fun of someone else's misfortune. Especially about something that could just as easily happen to me. The OP's husband left her because she couldn't get/stay pregnant. I'm OP never thought that would happen to her either. The "friend" can just as easily end up the same way.
Does anyone else remember the Whiners on SNL? The couple went to a fertility doctor and he suggested adoption. The couple replied "but weeee want our owwwwn bayyybyyyy". There are so many kids in the system today who would LOVE to have caring parents. SMH.
NTA. If she's that desperate for a child she can adopt one of the many, MANY children that are desperate for a home.
NTA at all. Her "friend" should know how deeply, DEEPLY hurtful saying something like that would be. And that's BEFORE taking the MASSIVE CHEQUE into consideration. One thing that I don't fully understand is leaving someone because they can't have kids. My wife and I have been doing IVF for years, and not once has divorce EVER entered my mind. My wife is my family, with or without children, and life without her would be...less.
You weren't being oversensitive sweetie...saying something like that is NOT something to make a joke about and especially knowing just how much pain it caused. You had every right to do what you did and I completely agree with and support you in your decision. A friend that would say that is not a friend. She was just using you. Carroll is the REAL friend for telling you and staying by your side through all of the drama they have been causing you. Never second guess what you did. Much love and hugs sweetie. And don't forget, even if you can't have a child... there's still plenty of children that are waiting to be adopted by somebody who will love them and I have the feeling you would.
First off, if Alessia didn't have the money, she shouldn't do IVF. Simple as that. Secondly, the cheque was a GIFT from the OP, who treated Alessia as a friend. Clearly the feeling is not mutual. Why should the OP be forced to give a gift (an a very expensive one at that) to somebody who's not even her friend?
We mock for others pain until someone comes and mocks our pain, Alessia learnt the hard way.
Why throw so much money at someone who is a b***h? And on a side-note: For those of you who are childless (not child-free) and have the time: get a puppy. They do need a TON of time, in the first year, and pets can be eexpesnive, but the love of my pup and the joy of raising here, really put my raging hormones at peace. Now, I am 50 and am so relieved that I don't have children (especially after the Corona lockdowns)
Maybe TA…I don’t think she was making fun of you. I think she feels sad for you and hopes the IVF works for her. It’s a very hard subject for you to talk or think about. Don’t lose a good friend over this.
I can't understand divorcing over no children. You marry a person, not the reproductive system. It only shows how awful and unloyal crappy person you are. OP is not that old, she could very well marry again and even have baby success with someone else. That wasn't a joke and the woman wasn't her friend.
It baffles me that a couple could be SO biological egocentric as to end a relationship, to end a marriage, because they can't have children of their own... ADOPT for f*ck sakes!!! Why, OH WHY it HAS to be a child of your own? What your genes have SO special that you CAN'T have it any other way? Do they need those genes to extract a magic sword from a stone? Do your genes contain the cure for cancer? Cheesus f*ck!!! Get over yourselves, people!!! There's too many people in the world already!!!
I'd use this money to start an adoption process. Some unfortunate kid out there deserves this woman's love and care.She is obviously giving and compassionate
Can we talk about the stress "Alessia" is in? She's literally doing everything it takes to be a "baby machine" so her hubby won't leave her? I don't think she's in a good relationship, so maybe it's actually a blessing in disguise.
The good news is that you found out before she cashed the check, then you'd be out a friend and 12,000. Hey you know what, if you really want a child, you can use that check to start the adoption process...or use it to travel...or finally do something for you!
I read one of those "dear abby" columns about a woman who heard her friend talking about her when she wasn't supposed to. The adviser of the column told her while it was painful we're "fortunate" not to hear what our friends say about us jn the privacy of our own homes because according to her "everybody does it." Umm, no ma'am we do not. Maybe "I can't believe she wore those uncomfortable shoes all day" or "she gained a lot of weight since I last saw her, I'm shocked" but not "god I'm glad I'm not her!" Or any nonsense like that. The advice column went on to say that yes it was hurtful but you knew you were intruding (by accident) on a private conversion and basically she was saying don't throw away thr friendship this is what all friendships are like. Now the bad-mouthing was something very serious like this, like "if I was her husband I'd leave her too", it wasn't a small comment like I hate your new curtains or anything like that.
It was a statement of fact about the hurt you went through and a great possibility for her. Your feelings are yours but I don’t think she was mocking you, just scared for the both of you.
I can’t imagine any scenario in which I was ask a friend for that much money, let alone IVF. Maybe I could see the friend loaning-not giving-money for a medical emergency or coming up short rent/bills after an emergency.
Am I the only one that see both friends as unworthy of friendship? Sure, the IVF lady talked about her behind her back. Not nice, but the woman in the middle, at least from this report, doesn't sound like had any intention to put her in her place. Instead she informed the OP. Who needs friends like that? Also, $12K? Wow.
IDK. I think that canceling the check without having a frank discussion with Alyssa was kind of an AH move. Obviously, this fertility thing is super important to her, and what she said could have been interpreted in a number of ways. OP decided to take it as mocking, but it may have been just Alyssa saying she was afraid that her circumstances would end up the same way. As an aside, who are these husbands that just drop their wives for fertility issues? JFK, adopt!
My first thought was that Alessia may have been an AH in the moment, but this isn't their first round of IVF (per OP), and she clearly seems to be fearful of another unsuccessful attempt playing out with her in OP's position. It wasn't a sensitive way to voice it, but I could forgive a friend of 15 years for it. I fully support cutting toxic people out of one's life, but if this was the only incident? My friends are gracious enough to know when I'm having a moment, and I try to show them that same grace. I don't see any AHs here. Only scared people who need to have a conversation.
Load More Replies...I used to love coming on to BP and seeing all the positive uplifting posts :) the people who made these posts put more work into it than buzzfeed writers do. but now this website is shifting to constant AITA posts and stealing more and more from buzzfeed. I visit both sites all the time, and i will see one thing on buzzfeed then see it on BP in a few days
Be very cautious about Carol. She seems like the kind of person who enjoys throwing a bomb into other peoples friendships. The husband is right that she is a toxic snake. Also, you say “the money came with no strings attached” but that was a lie, wasn’t it? If there were truly no strings attached, you wouldn’t have cancelled the check when Alessia offended you.
That was classic overacting. She wasn't mocking you, she was pitying you and didn't want to go there too. YTA
Why is Carol the AH? She's the one that let OP know her so-called friend was talking s**t about her life. I'd want my friends to do that if I found myself in a similar situation.
Load More Replies...NTA. Frankly, it's weird that she asked you to pay for her IVF. How does this couple expect to afford a child if they can't manage to pay for their own IVF? Weren't they saving up for the treatments? It seems you were being treated like a bank, not a friend.
Well raising a kid is less of a lump sum than IVF so I can kind of understand that, but it is weird to ask your friends to help you pay.
Load More Replies...Nta-she talked behind your back and said it was an "inside joke" she talked about your infertility problems,when she is too,it's not funny when you're talking about someone behind their back. She didn't deserve the money
Mean people need to be more careful what they write down. I also have family like this.
Load More Replies...If that was a spare 12,000 dollars I think it should be set aside for any of the Ops future attempts to start her own family. I don't understand where the entitlement to this kind of money comes from tbh unless the OP is seriously well off or the same has been extended to her by this friend in the past.
You would think that receiving $12K from a friend with no strings attached would buy a little loyalty. Entitlement knows no bounds!
It's not even 'flaws', it's an illness and a very serious one... How this can be an inside joke among friends? This is mind-blowing to me
Load More Replies...I'd your so called friend had not talked about you behind your back, this issue would not have happened. The true colors came out. You don't owe her a thing . Did she give you financial support while you were trying to get pregnant? If not, don't worry about it . You don't have to deal with her disrespectful attitude . And they both need to finance to process themselves. My friend D worked 3 jobs to finance the ivf for his wife. Nat
She's not your friend. NTA. Good for Carol! Carol is your friend!
Having gone through infertility myself, luckily not having to go through IVF, I can 100% agree NTA. What a terrible "friend"!! That money would be better spent ANYWHERE else for OP. I just can't imagine making fun of someone else's misfortune. Especially about something that could just as easily happen to me. The OP's husband left her because she couldn't get/stay pregnant. I'm OP never thought that would happen to her either. The "friend" can just as easily end up the same way.
Does anyone else remember the Whiners on SNL? The couple went to a fertility doctor and he suggested adoption. The couple replied "but weeee want our owwwwn bayyybyyyy". There are so many kids in the system today who would LOVE to have caring parents. SMH.
NTA. If she's that desperate for a child she can adopt one of the many, MANY children that are desperate for a home.
NTA at all. Her "friend" should know how deeply, DEEPLY hurtful saying something like that would be. And that's BEFORE taking the MASSIVE CHEQUE into consideration. One thing that I don't fully understand is leaving someone because they can't have kids. My wife and I have been doing IVF for years, and not once has divorce EVER entered my mind. My wife is my family, with or without children, and life without her would be...less.
You weren't being oversensitive sweetie...saying something like that is NOT something to make a joke about and especially knowing just how much pain it caused. You had every right to do what you did and I completely agree with and support you in your decision. A friend that would say that is not a friend. She was just using you. Carroll is the REAL friend for telling you and staying by your side through all of the drama they have been causing you. Never second guess what you did. Much love and hugs sweetie. And don't forget, even if you can't have a child... there's still plenty of children that are waiting to be adopted by somebody who will love them and I have the feeling you would.
First off, if Alessia didn't have the money, she shouldn't do IVF. Simple as that. Secondly, the cheque was a GIFT from the OP, who treated Alessia as a friend. Clearly the feeling is not mutual. Why should the OP be forced to give a gift (an a very expensive one at that) to somebody who's not even her friend?
We mock for others pain until someone comes and mocks our pain, Alessia learnt the hard way.
Why throw so much money at someone who is a b***h? And on a side-note: For those of you who are childless (not child-free) and have the time: get a puppy. They do need a TON of time, in the first year, and pets can be eexpesnive, but the love of my pup and the joy of raising here, really put my raging hormones at peace. Now, I am 50 and am so relieved that I don't have children (especially after the Corona lockdowns)
Maybe TA…I don’t think she was making fun of you. I think she feels sad for you and hopes the IVF works for her. It’s a very hard subject for you to talk or think about. Don’t lose a good friend over this.
I can't understand divorcing over no children. You marry a person, not the reproductive system. It only shows how awful and unloyal crappy person you are. OP is not that old, she could very well marry again and even have baby success with someone else. That wasn't a joke and the woman wasn't her friend.
It baffles me that a couple could be SO biological egocentric as to end a relationship, to end a marriage, because they can't have children of their own... ADOPT for f*ck sakes!!! Why, OH WHY it HAS to be a child of your own? What your genes have SO special that you CAN'T have it any other way? Do they need those genes to extract a magic sword from a stone? Do your genes contain the cure for cancer? Cheesus f*ck!!! Get over yourselves, people!!! There's too many people in the world already!!!
I'd use this money to start an adoption process. Some unfortunate kid out there deserves this woman's love and care.She is obviously giving and compassionate
Can we talk about the stress "Alessia" is in? She's literally doing everything it takes to be a "baby machine" so her hubby won't leave her? I don't think she's in a good relationship, so maybe it's actually a blessing in disguise.
The good news is that you found out before she cashed the check, then you'd be out a friend and 12,000. Hey you know what, if you really want a child, you can use that check to start the adoption process...or use it to travel...or finally do something for you!
I read one of those "dear abby" columns about a woman who heard her friend talking about her when she wasn't supposed to. The adviser of the column told her while it was painful we're "fortunate" not to hear what our friends say about us jn the privacy of our own homes because according to her "everybody does it." Umm, no ma'am we do not. Maybe "I can't believe she wore those uncomfortable shoes all day" or "she gained a lot of weight since I last saw her, I'm shocked" but not "god I'm glad I'm not her!" Or any nonsense like that. The advice column went on to say that yes it was hurtful but you knew you were intruding (by accident) on a private conversion and basically she was saying don't throw away thr friendship this is what all friendships are like. Now the bad-mouthing was something very serious like this, like "if I was her husband I'd leave her too", it wasn't a small comment like I hate your new curtains or anything like that.
It was a statement of fact about the hurt you went through and a great possibility for her. Your feelings are yours but I don’t think she was mocking you, just scared for the both of you.
I can’t imagine any scenario in which I was ask a friend for that much money, let alone IVF. Maybe I could see the friend loaning-not giving-money for a medical emergency or coming up short rent/bills after an emergency.
Am I the only one that see both friends as unworthy of friendship? Sure, the IVF lady talked about her behind her back. Not nice, but the woman in the middle, at least from this report, doesn't sound like had any intention to put her in her place. Instead she informed the OP. Who needs friends like that? Also, $12K? Wow.
IDK. I think that canceling the check without having a frank discussion with Alyssa was kind of an AH move. Obviously, this fertility thing is super important to her, and what she said could have been interpreted in a number of ways. OP decided to take it as mocking, but it may have been just Alyssa saying she was afraid that her circumstances would end up the same way. As an aside, who are these husbands that just drop their wives for fertility issues? JFK, adopt!
My first thought was that Alessia may have been an AH in the moment, but this isn't their first round of IVF (per OP), and she clearly seems to be fearful of another unsuccessful attempt playing out with her in OP's position. It wasn't a sensitive way to voice it, but I could forgive a friend of 15 years for it. I fully support cutting toxic people out of one's life, but if this was the only incident? My friends are gracious enough to know when I'm having a moment, and I try to show them that same grace. I don't see any AHs here. Only scared people who need to have a conversation.
Load More Replies...I used to love coming on to BP and seeing all the positive uplifting posts :) the people who made these posts put more work into it than buzzfeed writers do. but now this website is shifting to constant AITA posts and stealing more and more from buzzfeed. I visit both sites all the time, and i will see one thing on buzzfeed then see it on BP in a few days
Be very cautious about Carol. She seems like the kind of person who enjoys throwing a bomb into other peoples friendships. The husband is right that she is a toxic snake. Also, you say “the money came with no strings attached” but that was a lie, wasn’t it? If there were truly no strings attached, you wouldn’t have cancelled the check when Alessia offended you.
That was classic overacting. She wasn't mocking you, she was pitying you and didn't want to go there too. YTA
Why is Carol the AH? She's the one that let OP know her so-called friend was talking s**t about her life. I'd want my friends to do that if I found myself in a similar situation.
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