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“You’re Not Entitled To Anything From Us”: Woman Stands Firm Against Brother’s New Partner
If you have kids, having other family members with kids can often be helpful when you need babysitting. After all, parents tend to know best how to actually look after children. But it’s pretty easy to start crossing lines and making demands that go beyond normal family obligations.
A woman asked the internet if she was wrong to turn down her brother’s girlfriend’s request to have their kids interact more when she felt it wasn’t a good idea. Later, she shared an update. We reached out to the woman who made the post via private message and will update the article when she gets back to us.
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Some folks think that their relatives and even in-laws should be required to help them with kids
Image credits: Wesley Tingey / unsplash (not the actual photo)
So one woman had to turn down her brother’s GF who kept trying to get her to look after her kids
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Wesley Tingey / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Barnabas Davoti / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: OkJeweler4132
“Instant families” come with all sorts of pitfalls
Image credits: Brooke Cagle / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The idea of an “instant family” doesn’t always culminate with immediate acceptance and perhaps, free babysitting. Sometimes it happens by stealth through dating, when someone new begins dating a member of your family and suddenly finds themselves wrapped up in a whole web of assumptions and obligations. It’s easy for the newcomer to be more sensitive, as in this story, where Natalie insists her kids aren’t treated as well. This is, in a sense, true, although she should probably understand why.
As this story demonstrates, this dynamic becomes especially complicated when children are introduced. It’s good for kids to socialize, have friends and for the parents to potentially have someone nearby they can trust. But at the same time, as this woman suggests, the demands become unreasonable. Not all kids get along, as many parents learn when they try to force friendships. They’re not being snooty or standoffish, they’re just trying to set healthy boundaries in a scenario that’s moving faster than they’re prepared for.
New partners might be quick to try and capitalize on this, as many of the comments suggest. One reason this story was a bit divisive (you can find a variety of opinions in the comments below) was that Natalie isn’t wrong that it’s good for kids to hang out. Similarly, children are very, very sensitive to injustice, at least as far as they perceive it. They might have asked their mom why these new adults didn’t treat them the same as the “other kids”.
Natalie can explain the differences, but it’s not entirely fair to assume a child will be able to understand exactly why this is happening. Familial relationships are complicated. Natalie has been dating the woman’s brother for a year, maybe not a long time as far as families go, but a very, very long time for a child. Many of the readers seem to have overlooked this, something all too common in these sorts of stories. Naturally, we tend to side with the person telling the story, as we see their perspective. This doesn’t mean that the woman who made the post is wrong, but it’s simply something to keep in mind.
Familial obligations are a complicated topic
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
For parents, getting the balance right between inviting in and drowning can be tricky. There is a real desire to make new people belong to the group, especially when children or an extended family are involved. But inclusion doesn’t have to mean expectation. Healthier practices recognize that relationships are built over time, and not everyone who comes into the family unit is ready, or obligated, to get actively involved overnight. Remember, this is a best-case scenario, some folks have families that are deeply entitled and even toxic.
This is a two-way road. There is a lot of speculation about Natalie’s motivations here, that she just wants free babysitting, but this isn’t immediately clear. Certainly, she doesn’t seem to take being told “no” very well, although she also doesn’t seem to see the author’s point of view either. It seems like a case where some honest and frank communication is needed to sort out these clearly misaligned beliefs.
Ultimately, the worst of the “instant family” mentality is that it skips over the most important step: consent. Adult relationships, whether between step-children and step-parents, in-laws and new partners, or extended relatives and significant others, grow healthiest when people are afforded the autonomy to move at their own speed. When all parties’ roles and boundaries are respected, the resulting family may not be instant, but it’s a hell of a lot better chance it’ll be real, solid, and founded on actual connection. And if you want to know what happens next, she later shared an update that can be found below.
Many thought she was not being unreasonable
A few thought she could have treated her better
Later, she shared an update
Image credits: Bethany Beck / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Toa Heftiba / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freestocks / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ahmed / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: OkJeweler4132
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What do you think ?
Trillian 6 months ago (edited)
A "playdate without her present" at this age and with this age gap is not a playdate but babysitting. She is looking for a free sitter.
Tyke 6 months ago
Looking after 4 kids of that age range is asking a LOT of one person. Totally agree, she wants a sitter.
Load More Replies... The Big Bad 6 months ago
So she wants to bond. That's nice. She should understand that she can only offer her time and energy to her new inlaws. She cannot demand time and energy from them. That's just not how bonding works. You can only put in the time and hope for something to grow. You cannot control how other people are or what they do.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago (edited)
I do wonder what Natalie's family is like, my partner's family is the instant family type. New partners, one with kids, get in there. No hesitation, no interim period, you just get folded in. They are a drop everything for family family. Close friends are the same. They really mea it when they say like family. My own family is not like that. Thankfully they really do love my partner, but becoming part of the family is a long process, it can take years and honestly might not happen. My partner is often confused by the dynamic and though really adept socially, doesn't get a lot of the boundary stuff, doesn't understand when people (mostly my SIL) overstep and doesn't expect us to get upset because his family doesn't have any of those lines. He always checks with me, and listens. But my brother either doesn't help his wife navigate things at all or more likely she does't take advice.
K 6 months ago (edited)
Dude I think OP is the best & I am right there with her on this - with the exception I love kids - BUT that doesn't mean I want every kid in my house or up my butt. To be honest, most other parents do not raise their kids with manners or respect or any kind of common sense of dont do those kind of things rules.. where I can't tolerate other kids for too long anymore - even tho I do love kids. NTA IN ANYWAY. Take Care OP. Enjoy your kids and your life.. you have no obligations to anyone.
Paul C 6 months ago
I like the OP. She seems such a well rounded, honest, decent person who is just doing the right thing and the best she can for her family (not the same two things). She doesn't really care if someone doesn't like her for doing that. And has nice clear boundaries that are fair and just. Only issue I have is you can't call someone your "life partner" after dating a year. Natalie's baggage may still end things in that relationship with her brother, as she clearly has some emotional issues to deal with.
Annik Perrot 6 months ago
I used to love having one more kid with us, be it for the day or for à vacation. It changed the dynamics and kept them entertained. But those were kids I and they had known from birth, cousins or friends' kids, and their ages were compatible. I would never have *made*them be friends with anyone. I also *am* à kid person, but I can well understand some people are not, and that's something that, like friendship, can't be forced.
Sarah 6 months ago
So rude (NOT)! I don’t have kids ( by choice) but do my share of babysitting niece and nephew. By9.30 am I’ve run out of ideas to entertain them and I’m still in pyjamas. 40 mins went by trying to get then to agree for food for breakfast. And now look after more kids with whom you don’t know their habits etc. big difference minding ur own family… but not external
geraldrboyle@aol.com 5 months ago
Dear OP after reading your beautifully reasoned responses, I am convinced your IQ is off the top end of the scale. I am equally convinced that the YTA's IQs are off the bottom end of the scale. You are 100% right.
Boo 6 months ago
Me too. Would be interesting to see what he had to say about all of this.
Load More Replies...
Marnie 6 months ago
You don't bring the kids into the new family until you are at least engaged. I'm saying this as someone who was a single (no Dad in sight) mother. I would never have considered trying to make my children become part of a family they were not a part of AT ALL. One good reason for that is, if it doesn't work out, your kids have lost an entire family.
Trillian 6 months ago (edited)
A "playdate without her present" at this age and with this age gap is not a playdate but babysitting. She is looking for a free sitter.
Tyke 6 months ago
Looking after 4 kids of that age range is asking a LOT of one person. Totally agree, she wants a sitter.
Load More Replies... The Big Bad 6 months ago
So she wants to bond. That's nice. She should understand that she can only offer her time and energy to her new inlaws. She cannot demand time and energy from them. That's just not how bonding works. You can only put in the time and hope for something to grow. You cannot control how other people are or what they do.
FreeTheUnicorn 6 months ago (edited)
I do wonder what Natalie's family is like, my partner's family is the instant family type. New partners, one with kids, get in there. No hesitation, no interim period, you just get folded in. They are a drop everything for family family. Close friends are the same. They really mea it when they say like family. My own family is not like that. Thankfully they really do love my partner, but becoming part of the family is a long process, it can take years and honestly might not happen. My partner is often confused by the dynamic and though really adept socially, doesn't get a lot of the boundary stuff, doesn't understand when people (mostly my SIL) overstep and doesn't expect us to get upset because his family doesn't have any of those lines. He always checks with me, and listens. But my brother either doesn't help his wife navigate things at all or more likely she does't take advice.
K 6 months ago (edited)
Dude I think OP is the best & I am right there with her on this - with the exception I love kids - BUT that doesn't mean I want every kid in my house or up my butt. To be honest, most other parents do not raise their kids with manners or respect or any kind of common sense of dont do those kind of things rules.. where I can't tolerate other kids for too long anymore - even tho I do love kids. NTA IN ANYWAY. Take Care OP. Enjoy your kids and your life.. you have no obligations to anyone.
Paul C 6 months ago
I like the OP. She seems such a well rounded, honest, decent person who is just doing the right thing and the best she can for her family (not the same two things). She doesn't really care if someone doesn't like her for doing that. And has nice clear boundaries that are fair and just. Only issue I have is you can't call someone your "life partner" after dating a year. Natalie's baggage may still end things in that relationship with her brother, as she clearly has some emotional issues to deal with.
Annik Perrot 6 months ago
I used to love having one more kid with us, be it for the day or for à vacation. It changed the dynamics and kept them entertained. But those were kids I and they had known from birth, cousins or friends' kids, and their ages were compatible. I would never have *made*them be friends with anyone. I also *am* à kid person, but I can well understand some people are not, and that's something that, like friendship, can't be forced.
Sarah 6 months ago
So rude (NOT)! I don’t have kids ( by choice) but do my share of babysitting niece and nephew. By9.30 am I’ve run out of ideas to entertain them and I’m still in pyjamas. 40 mins went by trying to get then to agree for food for breakfast. And now look after more kids with whom you don’t know their habits etc. big difference minding ur own family… but not external
geraldrboyle@aol.com 5 months ago
Dear OP after reading your beautifully reasoned responses, I am convinced your IQ is off the top end of the scale. I am equally convinced that the YTA's IQs are off the bottom end of the scale. You are 100% right.
Boo 6 months ago
Me too. Would be interesting to see what he had to say about all of this.
Load More Replies... Marnie 6 months ago
You don't bring the kids into the new family until you are at least engaged. I'm saying this as someone who was a single (no Dad in sight) mother. I would never have considered trying to make my children become part of a family they were not a part of AT ALL. One good reason for that is, if it doesn't work out, your kids have lost an entire family.
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