Best Man Breaks Down After He Can’t Attend His BFF’s Wedding Due To GF’s Ultimatum
Interview With Author
Being a good friend means being there for them, no matter what. It means showing up, not just when things get tough, but also to celebrate their biggest wins in life! However, you won’t really know what their actual priorities are until the friendship gets put to the test.
Redditor u/Disastrous-Day-3751 recently turned to the AITA online community for advice after dealing with a very delicate situation regarding her upcoming wedding. She shared how the best man broke down because his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: he had to choose between going to the OP’s wedding or hypothetically getting a dog. You’ll find the full story below.
We reached out to the author of the viral post, u/Disastrous-Day-3751, and she was happy to answer our questions. Read on for Bored Panda’s interview with her!
Being asked to be the best man or maid of honor at your best friend’s wedding is a huge deal. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out
Image credits: Batuhan Kocabaş / pexels (not the actual photo)
A bride-to-be shared how the best man broke down after getting an ultimatum from his girlfriend
Image credits: Alexy Almond / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ivan Babydov / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Disastrous-Day-3751
The author of the viral story shared some additional context in the comments
The entire drama made the couple happy that they’re having a smaller and more carefree wedding
According to the author of the post, at the end of the day, it was “relatively easy” to organize the wedding.
“It’s just 6 people now, and we don’t want anything extraordinary,” u/Disastrous-Day-3751 told Bored Panda. “It’s more like a little vacation, and that’s great for us because the drama between us and Mike/Courtney has been enough.”
The fact that the story went so viral on the internet came as a bit of a shock. “I did not expect the story to be this interesting to Reddit. I was just so shocked and hurt that I had to share it and hoped I could get an outside perspective,” she said.
“I‘m grateful for the reactions as it gave us a lot of insight about toxic relationships. A lot of people talked about how manipulative Courtney is, and that’s true, but we hadn’t seen that before.”
The OP also had some practical advice for anyone feeling overwhelmed and stressed out from organizing their own wedding.
“The smaller, the better!” she said.
“Some family members were very disappointed, but we said: ‘It’s our day, and it has to be perfect for us.’ Some family members were a bit grumpy after that, but after some weeks, it was okay.”
Image credits: Katerina Holmes / pexels (not the actual photo)
The entire situation raised a lot of questions about the dynamic between the best man and his girlfriend
We love our pets. They’re with us through thick and thin! But you may want to gently reconsider your priorities if your friends feel like you’re always putting your pets’ needs above theirs.
When you choose your dog over your pals’ wedding, well, that’s bound to lead to a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. Things can get even more intense if you’re talking about a hypothetical pet that you’ll only get in the future.
It makes little sense to prioritize the welfare of an animal that isn’t a part of your family yet at the cost of your beloved friends, who are already a major part of your life.
Now, don’t get us wrong: it’s vital that you plan and prepare to welcome a dog into your life. The more you sort out all the details, the easier the homecoming entire process will be.
However, if you’re constantly changing your dogsitting plans and forcing the marrying couple to adjust their wedding time and time again, something’s definitely off.
In our experience, ultimatums rarely—if ever work—in relationships. Nobody should feel like they’re pressured into doing anything they don’t want to do. However, that’s easier said than done. When you’re on the receiving end of an ultimatum, it’s hard to know what to do because it’s a high-stress situation.
Happy and healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual trust, respect, and communication. In this particular case, it is extremely unfair of ‘Courtney’ to demand that ‘Mike’ skip his BFF’s wedding because she wants both of them to dogsit their future pet in half a year’s time.
Image credits: Liza Summer / pexels (not the actual photo)
If your partner relies on ultimatums to control you, then something is fundamentally amiss in your relationship
Ultimatums are very different from boundaries. The former are all about force, warnings, and demands. The latter are about setting expectations and guidelines for (in)appropriate behavior.
Ultimatums are particularly harmful in relationships because they undermine the sense of security and respect. It can also lead to resentment, as well as insecurity.
According to relationship therapist Darcy Sterling, LCSW, “Setting an ultimatum is the relationship equivalent of nuclear warfare,” she points out.
Meanwhile, marriage and family therapist Andrea Dindinger, LMFT, has a similar view. “People make ultimatums when they feel powerless to change the other person.” In the meantime, overusing ultimatums can be likened to emotional abuse.
Boundaries are a far better alternative to ultimatums because they are firm but flexible. That’s the perspective of licensed counselor Elizabeth Fedrick.
She told Business Insider that most people don’t respond well to ultimatums. “Whereas healthy boundaries are about keeping yourself safe by staying in control of yourself, an ultimatum is about trying to keep yourself safe by staying in control of someone else. Because ultimatums are by nature demanding, they can backfire and create more harm than good in a relationship.”
Therapist Daryl Appleton notes, however, that ultimatums do have a time and a place. They can be useful in situations where someone’s behavior is harmful to them or the relationship itself. It’s when ultimatums are used for control—instead of clarity—that they can have a negative effect.
The vast majority of readers stood in solidarity with the bride-to-be
The author later gave an all-important update to the story
Image credits: Alena Darmel / pexels (not the actual photo)
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Committing to a hypothetical puppy to prove that he's devoted and father material? What other tests will he have to pass?? The house they built together isn't worth the emotional abuse (trying to control him and then lying about it, trying to isolate him from other people, over-reacting and then blaming him for it). I hope he cuts his losses and leaves.
I really doubt that's the reason, it sounds like something she made up to pull on his heart strings. Not only that but she had the cajones to ask the bride to move her wedding for a dog that doesn't exist?! Delusional. This lady has some major problems and is completely manipulative to her poor bf, I really hope he doesn't have kids with her because he'll regret it.
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Separating people from their friends and family, and this controlling behavior is abuse- Mike is the victim of abuse!
Yep, that's exactly where my mind went. Controlling and isolating. Either she gains controls over his friends group (by getting the wedding moved) or he's isolated from them (not able to go to the wedding). It sucks because she's currently winning.
Load More Replies... The commenter who said Courtney was trying to "trap" him with the puppy rings true. My dad had a psycho girlfriend who tried to do the same thing. Made him drive from Orange County, California to a breeder in Utah to pick it up. Then she broke his wrist a few weeks later and long story short I got my dad back. Poor Sasha (dog), and f**k you, Axel.
OP said that this girl constantly talks about having kids in one of the comment replies. Hell, I hope that best man realizes what's going on and opts out of this before he gets baby trapped too.
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If you reversed the genders here, everyone would be increadibly worried about the victim of such a controlling partner, not calling them spineless and a wet towel. Men do not get nearly the same amount of help when they're being abused - especially when the abuse is emotional/mental manipulation.
I'm sorry but lost it at Courtney "allowed" him to go? If this had been reversed everybody would say Courtney was being abused and manipulated and tell her to get out. Also I can see a Future bridezilla in Courtney. Mike needs to get out now this shouldn't even be an option to stay with such a manipulative controlling person. It will not get better if she's playing head games now.
My favorite part of Courtney's bs is the part where she claims you have to pick up your puppy the exact day it is weaned or it just automatically goes to someone else. Either she's lying or that "breeder" is doing a mini-mill. Either way its gross.
Yeah, any breeder worth their salt would be matching the puppy with an appropriate family based on temperament and personality etc.
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Weddings and funerals really bring out the crazy in people because they upset established patterns and hierarchies. Courtney was fine as long as she was the main character - her move, her house, her dog etc all as the centre. But your wedding with you as the centre sent her into a spiralling panic and she had to wrest back control and the spotlight so everything will go back to being about her. This is her real self and Mike should run.
The best man needs to tell his psychotic-sounding gf to "GFY" and dump her. I'd generally, almost always, choose a dog oh fry most people, especially a puppy who can't be left alone very long. As long as they have a suitable babysitter for the puppy, either both should go to wedding trip that the couple generously offered to pay their way. Other option, and I think thy best one...leave gf at home. He should re-think getting dog with her, imo. He should dump her. She seems petty and selfish. I hope he dumps her! She sounds just unbelievably awful
Yeah, I think she is jealous of OP because OP is getting married and she isn't. This is her way of ruining the wedding. Manipulation didn't work, not really, and when Mike's family found out and reacted to what she had done, she lied.
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That woman has some untreated issues. The way he caves in also show he's not well either. That's gonna end awfully and hopefully before they have children
Time to ditch that b***h before it's too late (And I don't mean the puppy). If she acts that way and threaten to end the relationship over a dog they don't even have yet she will do that for every minor thing if she doesn't get what she wants. The longer Mike waits the harder it will get for him (imagine them having a child). I'd stay in contact with him though, but I would make clear that his GF is an unwanted topic
Mike handed over his balls to Courtney and he has lost any autonomy over his own life. This is an abusive relationship with red flags all over the place.
If anyone here feels emotionally abused and manipulated, here's a book that helped me: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, Donna. How to leave a situation? Sometimes one has to act *in spite* of one's feelings. Mike can feel obligated all he wants, but those feelings should not veto his escape. (Please note: "just leave" may not be so simple if dealing with physical abuse)
I'm sorry that your husband will be losing his best friend to someone who will emotionally manipulate him forever.
Poor Mike, if he marries Courtney he will have a ring on his finger & a ring through his nose. Friendships are sometimes lost by a jealous SO. Please move forward without them & the stress of wondering if they'll change their minds again. Most importantly have a wonderful wedding & future together. As for Mike, wake-up & smell the coffee before it's to late.
Sounds to me like Courtney has begun the process of separating Mike from his friends and family...by inventing drama with no foundation in reality. He should run. Now.
Mike has been done for; he's house-trapped, will be dog-trapped and, no doubt, will be baby-trapped in due course. All of them things that an average person will not easily give up if their relationship turns sour. I don't like to say this, but I think the newly-weds should consider this chapter of their lives closed, because the possibilities for drama are endless if they keep in some form of contact and who wants that, when they start out on a new life? In the end, Mike is responsible for his own life.
While Mike is responsible for his life, I do hope people keep in touch with him. The OP and fiance plan to stay in touch with him, but avoid Courtney. They hope he realizes how awful his life will be with her. It already is - he's been crying from the stress.
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When I read that they were buying from a puppy mill instead of adopting one of the MANY loving and available dogs from their local animal shelter (likely its seems the GF's decision) I learned all I need to know about her.
Did any of the Reddit comments suggest to OP and her fiancé that they try to help an obvious victim get out of an abusive relationship? I get that they wanna show Mike what he's missing but... he needs help. His oldest friend backing away is the last thing he needs.
If she were pregnant and due to have a baby by then, or had a baby already, that would be one thing. But a dog that doesn't even exist yet? Yeesh. This was definitely a power move, I hope he breaks up with her.
Courtney just doesn't want to remain friends with OP and fiancé. This is maybe her first "legitimate" reason to separate them from you without her looking bad. She's probably been looking for some reason to do this for some time. Hypothetical dog just was a handy reason.
I don't accept ultimatums. If someone tries to control/ manipulate me using an ultimatum, rather than talk to me about how they are truly feeling, I'm done with that person. Period. It doesn't matter how much I love and respected them, because they have just shown me how much less they love and respect me.
The dog isn't even conceived yet ffs! What a b!tch (pun intended)! IF the dog is on the scene by the time of the wedding, someone looks after it for a couple of days. Simple. Having said all that, I think there are way deeper issues here.
Did anyone catch that Mike said "Courtney would LET him attend..."?? A grown man being "let" to do anything is such a major red flag. My first husband (I was young and stupid) used to tell me things like that, especially during a fight. "What are you mad about? I LET you do XYZ..." She is an absolute AH!
Let me preface this by saying I love dogs including the 2 I have right now. Ffs it's just a dog, they're not difficult to take care of for just a weekend and being a weekend away is not going to do anything to the animal. Find a family/friend who knows how to take care of a puppy or a local dog hotel and go to the wedding. If Courtney can't understand that then she is going to be much worse with children.
A 4 hour drive is not even that long a trip for the dog to come with, although potentially leaving a new puppy in a hotel room might be another story. But I bring all 3 of my dogs to my mom's house 6 hours away every 2-3 months and they all do just fine.
I hope they don't get the dog, or any dog, because it will end up traumatized by her issues.
The poll is stupid. It totally depends on the commitment. If it was something like this, I'd drop them like a hot potato. If it was something important, like their birthday being on that day, especially when it's a full birthday and the party is already planned, or if they'd have surgery on that day. You bet I wouldn't attend a wedding on that day. Occasions have a ranking that depends on whose occasion it is and what it is. The partner comes first if the occasion is equal or the partner's is of higher importance. But otherwise it depends what it is.
Mike and Courtney will be a source of drama for years to come. Keep your distance and grab the popcorn.
It's pretty obvious that Courtney just doesn't want Mike to go to the wedding for some reason, even though she was also invited. She doesn't want someone to dog sit but also doesn't want to watch the dog alone, both of which are very reasonable options. Literally meaning there's no other option than for Mike to not go. And the fact that she called the bride "insensitive, offensive" and a "bride-zilla" means there's something more going on since they were essentially friends before all this. I wonder if Courtney is pregnant and us acting this way out of stress of telling Mike or them being parents or whatever. Otherwise this is just straight up emotional abuse.
Committing to a hypothetical puppy to prove that he's devoted and father material? What other tests will he have to pass?? The house they built together isn't worth the emotional abuse (trying to control him and then lying about it, trying to isolate him from other people, over-reacting and then blaming him for it). I hope he cuts his losses and leaves.
I really doubt that's the reason, it sounds like something she made up to pull on his heart strings. Not only that but she had the cajones to ask the bride to move her wedding for a dog that doesn't exist?! Delusional. This lady has some major problems and is completely manipulative to her poor bf, I really hope he doesn't have kids with her because he'll regret it.
Load More Replies... Separating people from their friends and family, and this controlling behavior is abuse- Mike is the victim of abuse!
Yep, that's exactly where my mind went. Controlling and isolating. Either she gains controls over his friends group (by getting the wedding moved) or he's isolated from them (not able to go to the wedding). It sucks because she's currently winning.
Load More Replies... The commenter who said Courtney was trying to "trap" him with the puppy rings true. My dad had a psycho girlfriend who tried to do the same thing. Made him drive from Orange County, California to a breeder in Utah to pick it up. Then she broke his wrist a few weeks later and long story short I got my dad back. Poor Sasha (dog), and f**k you, Axel.
OP said that this girl constantly talks about having kids in one of the comment replies. Hell, I hope that best man realizes what's going on and opts out of this before he gets baby trapped too.
Load More Replies... If you reversed the genders here, everyone would be increadibly worried about the victim of such a controlling partner, not calling them spineless and a wet towel. Men do not get nearly the same amount of help when they're being abused - especially when the abuse is emotional/mental manipulation.
I'm sorry but lost it at Courtney "allowed" him to go? If this had been reversed everybody would say Courtney was being abused and manipulated and tell her to get out. Also I can see a Future bridezilla in Courtney. Mike needs to get out now this shouldn't even be an option to stay with such a manipulative controlling person. It will not get better if she's playing head games now.
My favorite part of Courtney's bs is the part where she claims you have to pick up your puppy the exact day it is weaned or it just automatically goes to someone else. Either she's lying or that "breeder" is doing a mini-mill. Either way its gross.
Yeah, any breeder worth their salt would be matching the puppy with an appropriate family based on temperament and personality etc.
Load More Replies... Weddings and funerals really bring out the crazy in people because they upset established patterns and hierarchies. Courtney was fine as long as she was the main character - her move, her house, her dog etc all as the centre. But your wedding with you as the centre sent her into a spiralling panic and she had to wrest back control and the spotlight so everything will go back to being about her. This is her real self and Mike should run.
The best man needs to tell his psychotic-sounding gf to "GFY" and dump her. I'd generally, almost always, choose a dog oh fry most people, especially a puppy who can't be left alone very long. As long as they have a suitable babysitter for the puppy, either both should go to wedding trip that the couple generously offered to pay their way. Other option, and I think thy best one...leave gf at home. He should re-think getting dog with her, imo. He should dump her. She seems petty and selfish. I hope he dumps her! She sounds just unbelievably awful
Yeah, I think she is jealous of OP because OP is getting married and she isn't. This is her way of ruining the wedding. Manipulation didn't work, not really, and when Mike's family found out and reacted to what she had done, she lied.
Load More Replies... That woman has some untreated issues. The way he caves in also show he's not well either. That's gonna end awfully and hopefully before they have children
Time to ditch that b***h before it's too late (And I don't mean the puppy). If she acts that way and threaten to end the relationship over a dog they don't even have yet she will do that for every minor thing if she doesn't get what she wants. The longer Mike waits the harder it will get for him (imagine them having a child). I'd stay in contact with him though, but I would make clear that his GF is an unwanted topic
Mike handed over his balls to Courtney and he has lost any autonomy over his own life. This is an abusive relationship with red flags all over the place.
If anyone here feels emotionally abused and manipulated, here's a book that helped me: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, Donna. How to leave a situation? Sometimes one has to act *in spite* of one's feelings. Mike can feel obligated all he wants, but those feelings should not veto his escape. (Please note: "just leave" may not be so simple if dealing with physical abuse)
I'm sorry that your husband will be losing his best friend to someone who will emotionally manipulate him forever.
Poor Mike, if he marries Courtney he will have a ring on his finger & a ring through his nose. Friendships are sometimes lost by a jealous SO. Please move forward without them & the stress of wondering if they'll change their minds again. Most importantly have a wonderful wedding & future together. As for Mike, wake-up & smell the coffee before it's to late.
Sounds to me like Courtney has begun the process of separating Mike from his friends and family...by inventing drama with no foundation in reality. He should run. Now.
Mike has been done for; he's house-trapped, will be dog-trapped and, no doubt, will be baby-trapped in due course. All of them things that an average person will not easily give up if their relationship turns sour. I don't like to say this, but I think the newly-weds should consider this chapter of their lives closed, because the possibilities for drama are endless if they keep in some form of contact and who wants that, when they start out on a new life? In the end, Mike is responsible for his own life.
While Mike is responsible for his life, I do hope people keep in touch with him. The OP and fiance plan to stay in touch with him, but avoid Courtney. They hope he realizes how awful his life will be with her. It already is - he's been crying from the stress.
Load More Replies... When I read that they were buying from a puppy mill instead of adopting one of the MANY loving and available dogs from their local animal shelter (likely its seems the GF's decision) I learned all I need to know about her.
Did any of the Reddit comments suggest to OP and her fiancé that they try to help an obvious victim get out of an abusive relationship? I get that they wanna show Mike what he's missing but... he needs help. His oldest friend backing away is the last thing he needs.
If she were pregnant and due to have a baby by then, or had a baby already, that would be one thing. But a dog that doesn't even exist yet? Yeesh. This was definitely a power move, I hope he breaks up with her.
Courtney just doesn't want to remain friends with OP and fiancé. This is maybe her first "legitimate" reason to separate them from you without her looking bad. She's probably been looking for some reason to do this for some time. Hypothetical dog just was a handy reason.
I don't accept ultimatums. If someone tries to control/ manipulate me using an ultimatum, rather than talk to me about how they are truly feeling, I'm done with that person. Period. It doesn't matter how much I love and respected them, because they have just shown me how much less they love and respect me.
The dog isn't even conceived yet ffs! What a b!tch (pun intended)! IF the dog is on the scene by the time of the wedding, someone looks after it for a couple of days. Simple. Having said all that, I think there are way deeper issues here.
Did anyone catch that Mike said "Courtney would LET him attend..."?? A grown man being "let" to do anything is such a major red flag. My first husband (I was young and stupid) used to tell me things like that, especially during a fight. "What are you mad about? I LET you do XYZ..." She is an absolute AH!
Let me preface this by saying I love dogs including the 2 I have right now. Ffs it's just a dog, they're not difficult to take care of for just a weekend and being a weekend away is not going to do anything to the animal. Find a family/friend who knows how to take care of a puppy or a local dog hotel and go to the wedding. If Courtney can't understand that then she is going to be much worse with children.
A 4 hour drive is not even that long a trip for the dog to come with, although potentially leaving a new puppy in a hotel room might be another story. But I bring all 3 of my dogs to my mom's house 6 hours away every 2-3 months and they all do just fine.
I hope they don't get the dog, or any dog, because it will end up traumatized by her issues.
The poll is stupid. It totally depends on the commitment. If it was something like this, I'd drop them like a hot potato. If it was something important, like their birthday being on that day, especially when it's a full birthday and the party is already planned, or if they'd have surgery on that day. You bet I wouldn't attend a wedding on that day. Occasions have a ranking that depends on whose occasion it is and what it is. The partner comes first if the occasion is equal or the partner's is of higher importance. But otherwise it depends what it is.
Mike and Courtney will be a source of drama for years to come. Keep your distance and grab the popcorn.
It's pretty obvious that Courtney just doesn't want Mike to go to the wedding for some reason, even though she was also invited. She doesn't want someone to dog sit but also doesn't want to watch the dog alone, both of which are very reasonable options. Literally meaning there's no other option than for Mike to not go. And the fact that she called the bride "insensitive, offensive" and a "bride-zilla" means there's something more going on since they were essentially friends before all this. I wonder if Courtney is pregnant and us acting this way out of stress of telling Mike or them being parents or whatever. Otherwise this is just straight up emotional abuse.
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