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“No Problems Since”: These 52 People Earned Mad Respect For The Sick Burns They Delivered
They say, “Silence is the best response to a fool.” In a nutshell, it reminds us that staying quiet is a much wiser and perhaps more effective way to deal with a dumb, ignorant comment.
But there are times when clapping back is not only necessary, but also satisfying. And if you must respond, do so in a way that would leave the insulter tongue-tied for a good few moments.
Here are examples of comebacks from some of the most quick-witted people on the internet. They have shared their wisdom in a recent Reddit thread for everyone to take note of.
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#1
In middle school my daughter, a serious athlete, was getting hassled by some little punk for having big shoulders. She told him “maybe someday you’ll hit puberty and get some muscles too.”.
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#2
Right-wing journalist Brian Glenn asked Zelensky: “Why don’t you wear a suit? You’re at the highest level in this country’s office, and you refuse to wear a suit. Do you own a suit? A lot of Americans have problems with you not respecting the dignity of this office.”
Zelensky: “I will wear costume after this war will finish. Maybe something like yours, yes. Maybe something better.".
Beak Hookage 7 hours ago
That guy is such a bada$$. I know it's hardly unusual but the way Trump treated him was f*****g shameful.
#3
My Best Comeback Ever: Back in the day I was in Quality Control (USAF). QC were the bad guys who were always checking up on how equipment and aircraft were being repaired and maintained. We were the guys who wanted to see the technical data out, open and being followed. We wore black baseball caps with white "QC" letters on them. One evening I wandered into the Avionics building around the midnight shift change time. There I was spotted by a Technical Sergeant who did not like me much. He was surrounded by three young female troops and apparently couldn't resist showing off for them and messing with me. He said loudly "Look out... Here comes QC - the Queer Chaser." I quickly replied "That's right, Sergeant Boyle... I'll give you five minutes head start." The girls all burst out laughing and the sergeant turned red... and never bothered me again.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 7 hours ago
QC is such an underrated job. Where I work, even our QC team isn't allowed to sign off on their own work..
#4
I had a customer when I had a used car sales business who asked about the history of the car, I told her it was a company car. " Oh well I'm not buying it then. My son had a company car and I saw how he treated it," I said " Well madam, that really tells me more about your family than it does company cars,".
#5
One of my friends kids was being bullied and they approached him in a school hallway and called him gay as an insult. He replied "I'm straighter then the pole your mum dances on". No problems since.
#6
Old friend of mine also was my manager, got an argument with an engineer off-site. It got heated and the engineer asked my boss if he would like to step outside.
Boss - Do you think the fresh air is gonna give you an edge?
#7
Honestly, the best I ever saw didn't say a word. Just glanced over her shoulder, looked him up and down, and smirked in a way that conveyed he had just said something utterly ridiculous and transparent, like a toddler with chocolate on his face saying he didn't know what happened to the candy and blaming it on the dog. Then with the slightest of eye rolls, she just casually turned her head and went back to her conversation.
#8
In the days before call display, my friend got a call from some pervert breathing heavy and saying “Guess what I’m holding in my hand?”. She responded, “If you can hold it with one hand, I’m not interested.”.
#9
Many stories about the rivalry between authors Norman Mailer and Gore Vidal. In the heat of one particular verbal ding dong, Mailer threw a punch which connected. Upon recovering his composure, Vidal quipped "as usual, words failed him.".
Beak Hookage 7 hours ago
I love it when authors get into catfights like this. They have all the best comebacks.
#10
A friend of mine was walking past a group of boys sitting outside a gaming shop who were painting miniatures. They all made a point of cat-calling her and making nasty comments about her weight. She just shot back, “charisma was your dump stat, wasn’t it?“ and walked on, leaving them speechless.
Never cat-call a gamer girl. It will not end well for you.
#11
My friend on a dating site.
Her: Have you seen me compared to you, why are you even trying?
Him: Because I felt charitable today towards you.
There was a good angry wall of text rant after that which isn't Reddit friendly.
#12
Guy 1: what's it like to be more brawn than brains?
Guy 2: I don't know. What's it like to be neither?
#13
My daughter in an argument with her frenemy. For context, both are children of divorce, my daughter has me (stepfather) and still sees her dad as often as she likes. "Thats not your real Dad!" "I have TWO, you don't have any!!"
#14
Couple of my own; of course no other witnesses present to appreciate them...
1. when I was in high school; there was a guy who was ordinarily ok but was really smug when he got higher marks on a test. He was gloating that he did 2% better than me on a test once, and I ran out of patience. I asked how long he studied for that test, he answered something like several hours over a few days. Then I said that I hadn't studied at all, which I hadn't, so at his best he was only 2% higher than I was at my worst. (he and I had 98% and 96% respectively)
2. once had a coworker shout "Stop talking to me like I'm a moron!" I replied, "Stop talking to me like you're a moron!" (I'm in the trades, so HR didn't get involved, lol. Also this wasn't the only time we'd argued, nor did I always walk away the victor).
#15
I was leaning over someone's desk, signing something, and some other lawyer comes up behind me and says "there's a tempting target" (implying that he would beat me).
I turned and said "Gee, Mike, I didn't know you swung that way!"
That was the end of that.
#16
Some famous old school actress, I can't recall the name. She and another gal approaching a door. Actress steps back and snarks, "Age before beauty." Gal walks through saying, "Pearls before swine.".
Beak Hookage 7 hours ago
Claire Booth Luce and Dorothy Parker, if I'm not mistaken. They weren't fond of each other to say the least.
#18
Don’t think this was an insult but still find it hilarious: that one scene a guy tells a cop, “Do you know who my father is?” And the cop says, “Did your mother not tell you?.” Lol.
#19
From Aliens:
Private Hudson: “Hey Vasquez, you ever been mistaken for a man?”
Private Vasquez: “Nope. Have you?”.
#20
Not a clever comeback but it worked: When I was in 7th grade at a new school, a kid and I weren’t getting along. He called me four eyes and because this was such an outdated insult for people who wear glasses and I had absolutely no insecurities about wearing them, I was confused and just said “I don’t have four eyes?”
He was surprised his insult didn’t work and didn’t bother me again.
I realized when I got home that he was making fun of me and *then* got upset.
#21
I once had a boss offer to “step outside”.
I said, “Okay, but I’ll be coming back in alone”.
#22
Chuckle and say "I'm going to let you have that because it's probably the highlight of your pitiful life" and walk away.
#23
You're about as sharp as mashed potatoes.
#25
My sister once mocked me because of my mustache. I told her she should give me tips since hers growing better than mine.
My mam told her she just have to accept that comeback and wouldnt give a chance to reply.
#26
I was at a ASU vs USC football game years ago where a USC fan kept calling ASU the "Scum Devils" (they're normally the Sun Devils). An ASU fan turned around and said "you can't spell scum without U S C." Took the guy a minute to get it but then he stopped. .
Luke || Kira (he/she) 59 minutes ago
You can't spell "advertisements" without semㅤㅤen between tiㅤts
#27
A middle age bloke picking on a young girl, couldn't have been any more than 20, making unnecessary comments about her appearance in a derogatory way . At one point he asks her why she looked the way she did (there was nothing the matter with her face, he was probably negging her) and she said i was born this way, whats your excuse.
#28
Someone told my coworker Nobody likes you. He just said, You say that like Im trying.
#29
A pause and then “did you mean to say that out loud?” Actually felt sorry for the mean girl (woman), she went red.
#30
Some d-bag at work was making fun of a guy who was shorter than him. D-bag said he was half his size, but the guy responded by saying he is twice the man you'll ever be.
#32
Couple arguing walking downtown and guy yells "Go to hell!" Girl shoots back with "I'm already there!!!" Even he laughed.
#33
I don’t know if this is real, but my sister told me a story about her friend Debbie. They were all at a high school dance and I guess this nerdy guy came up to the group and asked Debbie if she wanted to dance.
Debbie responded “You want me to dance with you? Eww.” My sister said the kid got mad and said. “I didn’t ask if you wanted to dance, I said you look fat in those pants.” My sister said Debbie lost it, then spent the rest of the night complaining about him and worrying if she was fat. She wasn't even wearing pants. She was wearing a dress.
#34
I was fighting with my girlfriend's brother once when he said
"The best you could pull was my sister."
My girlfriend then replied
"Best you could pull was your own hand."
Probably not super good but it gets my point cause her brother got so mad and red he went to his room his door slammed so hard that the neighbors came to see if everything was alright.
#35
A kid my kids went to elementary school with was being bullied. Nothing super major, stuff like I'm faster than you and your not good at sports. At least from what I was told. This kid was also his neighbor, and they used to play together all the time
One day he had had enough. So when the bully started up he yelled "at least my parents aren't divorced!"
When his mom told me this I couldn't stop laughing. The bully apparently was not ready for that and was crippled. Crying and yelling.
Still my favorite f you to a bully.
#36
My favorite was a conversation between my two daughters. The older daughter was probably 10 at the time and the youngest was probably 5 or 6. The 10 y.o. kept bothering the younger one for awhile, just kept making jokes about every thing she said and trying to get under her skin. Not in a mean way, just in a "siblings razzing each other" kinda way. This went on for a little while, with the 6 year old barely acknowledging it, when suddenly she lets out a sad sigh, looks at her older sister very seriously and says, "I'm sorry sis. One day you'll be cool and have friends, and then you won't act this way anymore.", then she went back to coloring her picture. My older daughter sat there for a moment and then just got up and walked out of the room, and the younger immediately started giggling. A minute later I went and found her in her room and I had to laugh at the look on her face. She looked genuinely flustered and told me, "she really got me. I couldn't say anything so I had to leave the room. I wanted to laugh and to cry at the same time. I'm so proud of my sister".
#38
An Inmate was being unnecessarily mean to a corrections officer that was trying to help the inmates with something. The officer said he was going to go look up his emergency contact and become his kids' stepdad.
#40
I knew she lifted it from Winston Churchill.
My gran and her friends gathered every Wednesday afternoon for "tea and bridge", which involved whisky and poker. One day, as I was topping gran's "tea" off, her friend Frieda says to gran "Alice, you're drunk".
My gran turned to Frieda and replied, "I may be drunk, but you're ugly. Tomorrow, I'll be quite sober, but your face will remain the same".
#41
At a party a guy was trying to impress / lure away my girlfriend by showing how smart he was. He wasn't succeeding very well and turned to me and said "You're an intellectual snob." I thought about it and replied "You know, I think you're right." My girlfriend (now wife of 40 years) broke out laughing. He turned beet red and slinked away.
#42
I heard this one on a classic episode of Married with Children. When Al is at the shoe store serving a customer:
“Well, I’ve just about had enough of you!”
“You wouldn’t say that if I came with fries and a medium drink.”
😂😂😂😂.
#43
German composer Max Reger, responding to a bad review: "I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment, it will be behind me.".
#45
In a boardroom meeting after a round about argument with a supplier said.
“Listen, I could agree with you - but then we’d both be wrong, and what would that accomplish?”.
Multa Nocte (she/her 8647) 6 hours ago
“I'm sorry, if you were right, I would agree with you.” Robin Williams' line in "Awakenings."
#46
Ex wife was in line for something, ahole guy behind her called her stupid. She said "I can get an education, but you'll always be short."
Mic drop.
#48
One of the cooks at my job said I sounded like his dad and I said "That's interesting because I woke up next to your mom this morning.".
#49
Friend of mine a long time ago. We were on the ferry back from a football game and we were talking about some highlights... Enter large karen, "How about that hit your quarterback took when he got sacked...?" Without missing a beat my buddy replied, "Yeah it was a big hit, but nothing hits harder than type 2 diabetes." i almost had my first spit take ever after that.
#50
Heard a dude get called ugly and he just said well your mom does not think so and walked off.
#52
Leaving a Saints game there were buccaneers fans doing a mock “who dat” chant because they won. Saints fans yelled at them “go back to Tampa” and they responded “we will!”.
What do you think ?
Elladine DesIsles 7 hours ago
Some of these are genuinely witty, but others are far from it. A child mocking another child's family situation (divorce, absent parent), over which they have no control? Or a (supposedly) grown adult leaning into someone's homophobia or misogyny to insult them, and thereby reinforcing or validating their bigotry? Those comebacks aren't clever, they're just lazy and cruel.
EggSauceTed 1 hour ago
Still my favorite...Julia Stiles, Save The Last Dance, 2001.. "You sure talk a lot of s**t for someone who doesn't say anything."
LadySilk 2 hours ago
My personal favourite is when my brother and I (red hair, pale skin, green/blue eyes) tried telling our youngest brother (dark brown hair and eyes, easily tanned) he was adopted. He immediately shot back with ‘Well if that’s true that means they CHOSE me, whereas they just kind of *gestures vaguely* ended up with you!’ Will never be mad about that one, it was too good.
Elladine DesIsles 7 hours ago
Some of these are genuinely witty, but others are far from it. A child mocking another child's family situation (divorce, absent parent), over which they have no control? Or a (supposedly) grown adult leaning into someone's homophobia or misogyny to insult them, and thereby reinforcing or validating their bigotry? Those comebacks aren't clever, they're just lazy and cruel.
EggSauceTed 1 hour ago
Still my favorite...Julia Stiles, Save The Last Dance, 2001.. "You sure talk a lot of s**t for someone who doesn't say anything."
LadySilk 2 hours ago
My personal favourite is when my brother and I (red hair, pale skin, green/blue eyes) tried telling our youngest brother (dark brown hair and eyes, easily tanned) he was adopted. He immediately shot back with ‘Well if that’s true that means they CHOSE me, whereas they just kind of *gestures vaguely* ended up with you!’ Will never be mad about that one, it was too good.
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