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![“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Babysit My Grandchildren And Potentially Costing DIL A Job?”](https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/babysit-grandchildren-dil-job-cover_675.jpg)
“[Am I The Jerk] For Refusing To Babysit My Grandchildren And Potentially Costing DIL A Job?”
Interview With ExpertMost people love being grandparents because they no longer have to enforce any strict parenting rules and can instead focus on spoiling their grandkids. Things can become difficult, though, if they are babysitting and the parents only want them to do things their way.
This is what a woman faced when her daughter-in-law got a new job and needed her kids looked after for a week. The poster didn’t want to help out because she was wary of the rules she’d be forced to follow, and also the lack of freedom during babysitting hours.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Grandparents and parents need to work together and respect each other’s boundaries while creating a safe and loving environment for the children
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The poster shared that her daughter-in-law was going to start a new job and needed someone to look after her kids for a week until she could get them into daycare
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The grandma didn’t want to volunteer to babysit because her daughter-in-law had strict rules about their meals, watching television, and daily schedules
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The poster also didn’t want to take on the 9-hour daily childcare for a week, as she wouldn’t be allowed to invite any of her friends over during that time, or go out
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The grandmom told her son that he should hire a professional babysitter, but her daughter-in-law was hurt by her decision, as it would impact her new job
The poster shared that her son had two children and that his wife remained a stay-at-home mom in order to look after them. Eventually, when she got a new job, she asked her mother-in-law to babysit the little ones for a week so that she could get them into daycare. The OP wasn’t too happy about the request and found it a bit burdensome.
To understand more about the grandparents’ perspective in this situation, Bored Panda reached out to DeeDee Moore, who is a helpful resource for new grandparents and parents. She is the founder of More Than Grand, which provides honest advice and ideas for strengthening bonds with one’s grandkids and their parents.
She explained that “expectations about babysitting should always be a starting point for a discussion, not an assumption on either the parent’s or grandparent’s part. Many grandparents are happy to provide childcare, but others have completely legitimate reasons to decline.”
“Parents have to realize that if grandparents are willing to be their go-to babysitter, they are doing them a big favor,” she added. It seems like the daughter-in-law didn’t understand that, and expected her husband’s mom to follow all of her rules and also be okay giving up 9 hours of her time daily for an entire week.
DeeDee also weighed in, saying, “I do think the grandmother had reason to say no. The number of rules and conditions made her uncomfortable, and she probably recognized that if she strayed from them, the parents would be upset with her. The parents seemed to have forgotten that when you need something from somebody, making it difficult doesn’t help you get what you want.”
We also reached out to grandparents Karen and Kadon, who shared that they “don’t think it’s right to have an expectation that your parents will care for their grandchildren for free, on a regular basis. For us, we have lives too! We are willing to provide support with our grandchildren when we can and on our terms.”
They also said: “we don’t think the grandparent was wrong at all. She has a right to not watch her grandchild. It’s not a rule that we must watch our grandchildren no matter what. Honestly, we feel like if you have such strict rules about your children, then you should be prepared to keep them yourself, respectfully.”
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The grandmom certainly didn’t feel comfortable looking after her grandkids for a week because she knew that during that time, she wouldn’t be able to meet her friends. She also mentioned that her daughter-in-law didn’t like her friend group and thought that they were bad influences. That’s why the OP said no to providing free childcare.
According to experts, grandparents should be open with their adult children about their feelings and not be afraid to turn down some of their requests. Parents also need to understand that grandparents aren’t obligated to provide babysitting services.
DeeDee Moore also added that “parents and grandparents need to have respectful, honest conversations about boundaries. Talking early and often about expectations will solve most problems before they start, and set the groundwork for working together if problems do come up. In the end, both parents and grandparents want what’s best for the children.”
Karen and Kadon also shared that they “both believe that communication is key to any relationship. Voicing concerns, setting boundaries, and opening the lines of communication have been key in our relationship with our daughter. Interests should be voiced, respected (even if we don’t agree), and adhered to if your grandchildren are in your care (except for matters of safety).”
Hopefully, in this situation, the mom and grandmom can work together to find some middle ground so that neither of them is dissatisfied. The OP can then step in and help her daughter-in-law with the childcare so that she can focus on her new job, while the other woman can be a bit more lenient about her rules. This kind of collaboration will ultimately benefit the children.
Do you think the OP was right to turn down the babysitting request? Let us know your thoughts.
Folks were divided on the issue, with some understanding the poster’s perspective and others feeling that she was being too selfish
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What do you think ?
Tabitha 10 months ago
Once again, the YTAs all sound like the flying monkeys of the unreasonable person. Mam has way too many rigid and unbending rules and Grandma isn’t going to provide free childcare if she has to be a “boot camp instructor”. They’re kids, ffs. Let them have a nice week with Grandma indulging them, ffs, considering there are zero indulgences given back at the barracks—-I mean, back at home.
JayWantsACat 10 months ago
Nah, they don't this time. Grandma is well within her rights to refuse to watch them but it's 9 hours for 5 day, one time. She wasn't asked to keep them overnight for a week. She wasn't asked to really do anything but sacrifice a bit of time. Yes the mother is overbearing bblahblahblah. And I'm very firmly on the anti-"but they're family" train. But this feels like sucking it up for 5 days for a very reasonable reason. If the rules are too much, then just decline. Or set her own rules. But I don't think the YTA are "flying monkeys" in this instance. Like, people need to stop defaulting to that without actual reading and taking things into context.
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Tyke 10 months ago (edited)
The Mother is going to be shocked to sh!t when the kids start daycare, and then school. She has little to no control over what they pick up from each other there, and no daycare will bend over backwards for her ridiculous rules.
Papa 10 months ago
I hadn't thought about that, but you make a good point. Good luck finding a daycare that will follow all those rules.
Load More Replies... greenideas 10 months ago
"Enrichment worksheets" at 4 years old? That has to be some form of abuse...
Michael Largey 10 months ago
Being four years old is a time of wonder, but there's nothing about it that can be enriched by a worksheet.
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Janelle Collard 10 months ago
Sounds like DIL wants an expensive nanny without having to pay for one. And 9 hours - ALONE - with 2 little kids? Yeah - no.
FreeTheUnicorn 10 months ago (edited)
What does DIL think daycare is going to be like ? She can't really think they will adhere to her schedule and rules. I think she is just creating a situation where no one can do it to her satisfaction and she has to return to SAHM instead of working, but she can still say, oh it's not my first choice.
Royal Stray 10 months ago
Hopefully she'll calm down a bit after going back to work when she doesn't have all day or all her energy to focus on having her kids follow ridiculous rules and schedules
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Earonn - 10 months ago
Grandma doesn't have to do it, sure, but first I want to know WHY DIL thinks that the friends are terrible.
Michael Largey 10 months ago
I don't know why either, but I have a funny feeling that I'd like grandma's friends.
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Kim Kermes 10 months ago
I'm afraid I can't meet your standards for that length of time. But, if you provide their meals, give the worksheets a break, and give me some flexibility with the schedule, I'll take a break with visitors. Frankly, too strict a schedule, as opposed to a reasonable one, wil make it very hard for the kids to adjust to changes.
LilliVB 10 months ago
It seems to me that the DIL is a little bit of a control freak. Given that the MIL didn't withhold any important information, like for example her friends are sexual predators or d**g addicts, if the DIL really needs so much the help she can bend at least some rules. The MIL can cook whatever she wants except fish and meat for example, the kids can watch cartoons or a kid movie a pair of times and even if she doesn't like MIL's friends, if they are not criminal, a week where the kids see them once o twice is not that big of deal. All this post seems so weird to me...
BoredPangolin 10 months ago
Beggars aren't choosers. Here we don't even have grandparents to do any free babysitting. How dare you requesting free nannying with so many rules?! The only rules I'd say should be a followed are diet and naps. Anything else, you're being a princess. It's a freaking week of daycare for free, you don't need grandma to become a Montessori teacher. Cartoons are okay. Friends are okay (they'll probably entertain the kids). Anything safe is okay because you're being given a service AND grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins are exactly for that: different experience.
Gwyn 10 months ago
I think Grandma could help out for one week if they provide food but my main question is does the mom think the daycare is going to follow all her rules and do worksheets with the kids? No. The kids will be following the daycares routine for the most part. Both sides need to compromise.
Squirrelly Panda 10 months ago
Eating vegetarian for a week as the kids are normally vegetarian is fine, if mom is OK with a lot of carbs and veggie junk food like pizza. For the rest, mom needs to accept that the rules are different at grandma's house and as long as the kids are safe, they'll be fine with a week goofing off before going back to a more regimented life. Grandma's house is usually where the rules are relaxed.
Laura A Ivett 10 months ago
As usual, all of the YTAs are just ignorant, and doormats themselves.
Scott Rackley 10 months ago
Just keep the kids and ignore the rules. She'll either bring them back or won't.
Natalie Zayas Bazan 6 months ago
We all forget grandma is probably a boomer and and son is probably gen x/millenial. We raised ourselves so our generation is a lot more hands on with our kids. If our parents weren’t hands on with us, why would they want to be hands on with grandkids?
Katie Manning 6 months ago
The YTAs are completely insane and everyone screaming "it's just one week!!1!" are completely missing the point. Sure, it's just one week - with a laundry list of overbearing, ridiculous rules. That pushes it a wee bit past being "just one week." Like OP said, she would have happily done this for her other son whose children don't come with a 50-page instruction manual. My POV is, if the SIL really cared THAT much about this job, she'd be doing literally anything she had to do to get it... including pre-packing all the kids meals and throwing her book of rules out the window. It's "just one week," right? Surely she can let her rules go for "just one week" for the sake of getting this job?
Royal Stray 10 months ago (edited)
Anyone who has their growing children on a vegan diet or a strict vegetarian one (unless the children have some kind of health problems) are the AH in my mind. I understand older teens or adults choosing a vegan or vegetarian diet, but it's just not healthy for young growing children. The amount of food you have to consume to get the same value of things like iron or protein is ridiculously high, or you'll have to go on supplements. I 100% understand if you as an adult want to make a choice for your body and mind, but don't force that onto anyone else (unless it's allergies) not your friends, or your children. Sure one day a week, or doing it on your wedding or whatever is fine. But this is a bit too far. Also a whole week? In that case OP has to relent on the rules a bit. Either grandma and her friends are awful people and a bad influence or OP can get some help
Peeka_Mimi 10 months ago
My oldest is like this with my granddaughter. My other daughter trusts me to care for them with no stupid rules. In fact they're a little easier, I went to make my granddaughter a homemade waffle and she just wanted sliced mango. If I make chickie nuggies, no problem. I even walked her to the park during lockdown. No problems. So definitely NTA.
Sara Shamsabadi 10 months ago
don't these people come home after work?! she HAS to see her 'terrible' friends while she's watching the kids?! this sounds very bizarre lol
ADDchallengedINFP-T 10 months ago
Vegetarian at that age? No more comments, stopped right there.
JayWantsACat 10 months ago
Feels very much like an ESH situation to me, a very anti-"you have to do it because they're family" guy.
Emilu 10 months ago
Going against the grain... maybe? If DIL wants all this extra stuff, pay someone to do it. Sure, it's just a week -- which isn't huge -- but she's already proven herself to not supply special food (yeah, you can easily cook veggie food yourself but again, Grandma's doing DIL a favour; she shouldn't have to also cook the kids' food), tell her who she can and can't have over when the kids are there; give them 'enrichment sheets' to do (pfft), etc. If the DIL has that many issues with Granny's lifestyle FIND SOMEONE ELSE.
kayteeisdabomb 10 months ago
So i read extra content and discovered the grandmas friends talk loudly about inappropriate stuff around the grand kids. Makes sense now why she doesn't want your friends around her kids if they won't keep things clean verbally. Feeding kids vegetarian food isnt difficult for 5 days. But the mom needs to be flexible with tv time etc. Grandparents are older, have a harder time getting around/have pain. You two need to sit down and make compromises. its only 5 days.
Tabitha 10 months ago
Once again, the YTAs all sound like the flying monkeys of the unreasonable person. Mam has way too many rigid and unbending rules and Grandma isn’t going to provide free childcare if she has to be a “boot camp instructor”. They’re kids, ffs. Let them have a nice week with Grandma indulging them, ffs, considering there are zero indulgences given back at the barracks—-I mean, back at home.
JayWantsACat 10 months ago
Nah, they don't this time. Grandma is well within her rights to refuse to watch them but it's 9 hours for 5 day, one time. She wasn't asked to keep them overnight for a week. She wasn't asked to really do anything but sacrifice a bit of time. Yes the mother is overbearing bblahblahblah. And I'm very firmly on the anti-"but they're family" train. But this feels like sucking it up for 5 days for a very reasonable reason. If the rules are too much, then just decline. Or set her own rules. But I don't think the YTA are "flying monkeys" in this instance. Like, people need to stop defaulting to that without actual reading and taking things into context.
Load More Replies... Tyke 10 months ago (edited)
The Mother is going to be shocked to sh!t when the kids start daycare, and then school. She has little to no control over what they pick up from each other there, and no daycare will bend over backwards for her ridiculous rules.
Papa 10 months ago
I hadn't thought about that, but you make a good point. Good luck finding a daycare that will follow all those rules.
Load More Replies... greenideas 10 months ago
"Enrichment worksheets" at 4 years old? That has to be some form of abuse...
Michael Largey 10 months ago
Being four years old is a time of wonder, but there's nothing about it that can be enriched by a worksheet.
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 10 months ago
Sounds like DIL wants an expensive nanny without having to pay for one. And 9 hours - ALONE - with 2 little kids? Yeah - no.
FreeTheUnicorn 10 months ago (edited)
What does DIL think daycare is going to be like ? She can't really think they will adhere to her schedule and rules. I think she is just creating a situation where no one can do it to her satisfaction and she has to return to SAHM instead of working, but she can still say, oh it's not my first choice.
Royal Stray 10 months ago
Hopefully she'll calm down a bit after going back to work when she doesn't have all day or all her energy to focus on having her kids follow ridiculous rules and schedules
Load More Replies... Earonn - 10 months ago
Grandma doesn't have to do it, sure, but first I want to know WHY DIL thinks that the friends are terrible.
Michael Largey 10 months ago
I don't know why either, but I have a funny feeling that I'd like grandma's friends.
Load More Replies... Kim Kermes 10 months ago
I'm afraid I can't meet your standards for that length of time. But, if you provide their meals, give the worksheets a break, and give me some flexibility with the schedule, I'll take a break with visitors. Frankly, too strict a schedule, as opposed to a reasonable one, wil make it very hard for the kids to adjust to changes.
LilliVB 10 months ago
It seems to me that the DIL is a little bit of a control freak. Given that the MIL didn't withhold any important information, like for example her friends are sexual predators or d**g addicts, if the DIL really needs so much the help she can bend at least some rules. The MIL can cook whatever she wants except fish and meat for example, the kids can watch cartoons or a kid movie a pair of times and even if she doesn't like MIL's friends, if they are not criminal, a week where the kids see them once o twice is not that big of deal. All this post seems so weird to me...
BoredPangolin 10 months ago
Beggars aren't choosers. Here we don't even have grandparents to do any free babysitting. How dare you requesting free nannying with so many rules?! The only rules I'd say should be a followed are diet and naps. Anything else, you're being a princess. It's a freaking week of daycare for free, you don't need grandma to become a Montessori teacher. Cartoons are okay. Friends are okay (they'll probably entertain the kids). Anything safe is okay because you're being given a service AND grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins are exactly for that: different experience.
Gwyn 10 months ago
I think Grandma could help out for one week if they provide food but my main question is does the mom think the daycare is going to follow all her rules and do worksheets with the kids? No. The kids will be following the daycares routine for the most part. Both sides need to compromise.
Squirrelly Panda 10 months ago
Eating vegetarian for a week as the kids are normally vegetarian is fine, if mom is OK with a lot of carbs and veggie junk food like pizza. For the rest, mom needs to accept that the rules are different at grandma's house and as long as the kids are safe, they'll be fine with a week goofing off before going back to a more regimented life. Grandma's house is usually where the rules are relaxed.
Laura A Ivett 10 months ago
As usual, all of the YTAs are just ignorant, and doormats themselves.
Scott Rackley 10 months ago
Just keep the kids and ignore the rules. She'll either bring them back or won't.
Natalie Zayas Bazan 6 months ago
We all forget grandma is probably a boomer and and son is probably gen x/millenial. We raised ourselves so our generation is a lot more hands on with our kids. If our parents weren’t hands on with us, why would they want to be hands on with grandkids?
Katie Manning 6 months ago
The YTAs are completely insane and everyone screaming "it's just one week!!1!" are completely missing the point. Sure, it's just one week - with a laundry list of overbearing, ridiculous rules. That pushes it a wee bit past being "just one week." Like OP said, she would have happily done this for her other son whose children don't come with a 50-page instruction manual. My POV is, if the SIL really cared THAT much about this job, she'd be doing literally anything she had to do to get it... including pre-packing all the kids meals and throwing her book of rules out the window. It's "just one week," right? Surely she can let her rules go for "just one week" for the sake of getting this job?
Royal Stray 10 months ago (edited)
Anyone who has their growing children on a vegan diet or a strict vegetarian one (unless the children have some kind of health problems) are the AH in my mind. I understand older teens or adults choosing a vegan or vegetarian diet, but it's just not healthy for young growing children. The amount of food you have to consume to get the same value of things like iron or protein is ridiculously high, or you'll have to go on supplements. I 100% understand if you as an adult want to make a choice for your body and mind, but don't force that onto anyone else (unless it's allergies) not your friends, or your children. Sure one day a week, or doing it on your wedding or whatever is fine. But this is a bit too far. Also a whole week? In that case OP has to relent on the rules a bit. Either grandma and her friends are awful people and a bad influence or OP can get some help
Peeka_Mimi 10 months ago
My oldest is like this with my granddaughter. My other daughter trusts me to care for them with no stupid rules. In fact they're a little easier, I went to make my granddaughter a homemade waffle and she just wanted sliced mango. If I make chickie nuggies, no problem. I even walked her to the park during lockdown. No problems. So definitely NTA.
Sara Shamsabadi 10 months ago
don't these people come home after work?! she HAS to see her 'terrible' friends while she's watching the kids?! this sounds very bizarre lol
ADDchallengedINFP-T 10 months ago
Vegetarian at that age? No more comments, stopped right there.
JayWantsACat 10 months ago
Feels very much like an ESH situation to me, a very anti-"you have to do it because they're family" guy.
Emilu 10 months ago
Going against the grain... maybe? If DIL wants all this extra stuff, pay someone to do it. Sure, it's just a week -- which isn't huge -- but she's already proven herself to not supply special food (yeah, you can easily cook veggie food yourself but again, Grandma's doing DIL a favour; she shouldn't have to also cook the kids' food), tell her who she can and can't have over when the kids are there; give them 'enrichment sheets' to do (pfft), etc. If the DIL has that many issues with Granny's lifestyle FIND SOMEONE ELSE.
kayteeisdabomb 10 months ago
So i read extra content and discovered the grandmas friends talk loudly about inappropriate stuff around the grand kids. Makes sense now why she doesn't want your friends around her kids if they won't keep things clean verbally. Feeding kids vegetarian food isnt difficult for 5 days. But the mom needs to be flexible with tv time etc. Grandparents are older, have a harder time getting around/have pain. You two need to sit down and make compromises. its only 5 days.
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