Hey Pandas, AITA For Setting Boundaries With A Family Who Never Matches My Effort?

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I (32F) moved away from my birth country in 2012 to live in England. At the time, people said I would never make it and didn’t know how hard it would be, etc. Four years passed, and everyone was really proud and jealous that I had made it.

Fast forward to this year. I am with a wonderful man, but we don’t have lots of money so we usually have to choose between going back to see my family and having a holiday.

Without going into too much detail, we have a lot going on that is making life hard and time together is very precious.

This year we saw my family, and after things were said, we will be going abroad, just the two of us, next year

Image credits: Markus Winkler (not the actual photo)

So, we went to my family’s home in September. I had contacted everyone weeks in advance to tell them when we would be there and tried to work the days around so that I could still see everyone. 

We also had planned 3 days out of the 7 we were there for ourselves to take a mini cruise, as this would also be the only holiday we would have this year

Image credits: Estée Janssens (not the actual photo)

Before we even take off, my sister messages me and tells me I don’t try hard enough to see her or our mum, and that I only care about seeing my dad when I come over. Which is not true—my mum doesn’t work, and my sister has shown no interest in seeing me when I have told her the dates I am over, so I planned to see my dad over the weekend and my mum on the two half days (8 hours) I would have free after landing and before leaving again.

On the first day we were there, my mum told me that she gets upset that I don’t spend more time with her when I am there and that she feels left out.

I snapped and said that everyone knows that I am the one that takes time off work and spends well over £1,000 to make the trip happen

Image credits: Toa Heftiba (not the actual photo)

I also mentioned that, in case her and my sister haven’t noticed, flights go the other way as well (neither of them have come to see me for at least 5-6 years), so how dare she say that I do not make the effort.

So there is all of that, which now means I do not want to spend the money to go over as it is expensive, and if I am just going to be told that what I am doing isn’t enough, then what is the point? AITA?

To add to this, my Grandad is currently in hospital.He is okay, luckily, but being 83 years old, he now needs a bit more help in his 3-story house (Basement, Ground, First). 

I spoke to him today and he said that he can leave the hospital any time he wants, but he didn’t want to be a burden and change mum’s plans to get him on Wednesday. He will stay for 2 extra days.

I message my mum and ask if she has any plans tomorrow, and maybe she can pick grandad up a day earlier so that he doesn’t have to be in a hospital and can get home to his comfort

Image credits: fitra zulfy (not the actual photo)

She proceeds to tell me that I don’t know what grandad wants or what is best for him and that I am the one who left them and should leave them to it.

I’d like my grandad to have a couple of cameras in his house so we can check on him, especially near the stairs, and make sure he’s okay and up each day.

He fell in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back for hours, which is why he got to the hospital

Image credits: David Sinclair (not the actual photo)

If not, we know to call him and if there is still no answer, we know we can call help. We would also have one at the bottom of the stairs just in case he falls down, as he lives on his own and does not want to leave the house.

This would require wifi setup, a key box (in case paramedics need to get in if something happens), and the cameras, which would be about £150 plus £4 / month for the wifi.

Mum flips about this as she says: do I think she is made of money, and who is going to fit it all? So, I said that either her brother or my dad could fit it, and my partner has offered to pay for it, so I never asked her for the money. But again, that was not good enough either.

Now I do not know what to do. Am I pushing too hard? Caring too much? Am I not doing enough? Should I back off?

Image credits: Marlos Pomin (not the actual photo)

Please, Panda’s, help a devastated woman who feels helpless.

Moderator’s note

Please be aware that the images used in this article are illustrative only and do not depict the actual people or events described.

If you’ve experienced something similar or have a story you’d like to share, we welcome submissions from our community, including anonymous ones. You can send your story directly to community@boredpanda.com to be shared anonymously, or upload it through our Bored Panda submission form by clicking here. We review community stories regularly, and some may be featured in upcoming posts.

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