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User submission
Hey Pandas, AITA For Going to Court Because My Brother Didn’t Inform Me About Mom?
User SubmissionModerator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I recently lost my mother to cancer, but I wasn’t even told she was sick. Apparently, that was her wish, because she didn’t want me to “nurse her.” I’m a nurse, but I’m also her daughter. When she first started complaining about medical issues (before anyone knew it was cancer), I tried to advocate for her. But whenever she rejected a medical suggestion, I backed off because I didn’t want to push her.
I also told her that she could always call me, but sometimes I might not be able to respond immediately – and this ended up being important.
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One day, I didn’t get back to her quickly enough, and she took that as a sign that I didn’t want to talk to her
Image credits: Gilles Lambert (not the actual photo)
After that, she stopped contacting me completely. By then, she already knew she had cancer. When I called, my brother would say she wasn’t home, or she just wouldn’t answer because she was sick.
Eventually, my mother told my brother not to tell me she was ill or that she had died.
I only found out she passed away two months later because I invited my uncle (her brother) to dinner
Image credits: Charissa Limuel (not the actual photo)
He felt so guilty that he came over beforehand and told me the truth. I completely broke down.
I immediately went to my brother’s house and demanded to know what was going on. His explanation was that he was following her wishes. My mother had a bit of a narcissistic streak – she would say things like “don’t tell your brother” or “don’t tell your sister” just to get attention.
She had told me not to tell my brother things before, and I would ignore it, because soon enough she’d be at his house acting like everything was normal. But this time, she took it to an extreme.
Now I’m devastated. If my uncle hadn’t told me, my brother would’ve let me find out from the estate lawyer. I can’t eat, I can’t function, and I’m disgusted with my brother. He’s acting like he’s in charge of everything – the estate, the house – and won’t even let me have the few sentimental items I want. I have my own home and things; I’m not after money.
So I’ve decided to contest the estate to force the sale of the house, which he thinks he’s going to live in
Image credits: Brianna Lengacher (not the actual photo)
He doesn’t work, even though he’s in a union – he just turns down jobs and stays on unemployment. At this point, it’s not about the belongings. It’s about principle, and honestly, I want him to feel some of the pain he caused me. Selling the house would leave him homeless.
Maybe that makes me a jerk. But he took away my chance to make things right with my mother, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that.
Moderator’s note
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If you’ve experienced something similar or have a story you’d like to share, we welcome submissions from our community, including anonymous ones. You can send your story directly to community@boredpanda.com to be shared anonymously, or upload it through our Bored Panda submission form by clicking here. We review community stories regularly, and some may be featured in upcoming posts.
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What do you think ?
Mel in Georgia 2 weeks ago
This is just one side of the story and the whole family sounds dysfunctional. Wish I could side with the OP, but there's just not enough information about the people involved or the situation.
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
For context my brother has said and done some things that she has responded in the same way mostly he's his father's son or you're just like your dad to which I have told her that is hurtful as we all hated him (long story) and she never truly meant to hurt him just was her way of saying that she didn't like him mostly because he is very concrete you say or tell him something and it's gold you can't change your mind he won't hear it. I myself no matter what has happened between them would never ever think of not telling him I would however wait a bit and if there was no possiblity of recovery would ask her if she would want to say goodbye to him but most definitely would tell him she has hours left come see her or if not possible I would definitely inform him she has passed as soon as I could as for her not wanting me to know it was only about her cancer just before she was diagnosed she had complaints of pain in her side and stated that the Dr had dismissed the complaint I told her to
Load More Replies...
JB 2 weeks ago (edited)
What do you mean “contest the estate”? Given there’s an estate lawyer involved who hasn’t yet contacted you, doesn’t that mean the estate is in probate? Until probate is completed, you have no legal right to help yourself to sentimental items, regardless of value. If the house has been left to both of you but there’s a clause giving your brother lifetime right of tenancy, you’re SOL in attempting to force a sale. I strongly suggest you read and understand the will before going for a knee jerk reaction. I’m deeply sympathetic to your pain, if my sibling didn’t tell me that dad had cancer, then died, because he told her not to, d**n straight I’d be hysterical with rage. But, as a nurse, you know your mom had the legal right to give instructions that her medical condition not be communicated to you. Obviously, there’s no legal obligation on your brother, yet you must understand that familial relationship, no matter how close, doesn’t entitle you to medical information. By your own words, “… this time she took it to an extreme.” She took away your chance to make things right. But you can’t take out your pain on her for her decision so you’re displacing it as anger onto your brother for respecting her wishes. I’m really sorry for your loss.
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
From what I can gather the lawyer hasn't filed her estate yet apparently the lawyer is waiting for a certain amount of time so debt collectors can't put a claim on her estate. As for respecting her wishes I love to say this was true he's never done anything she's told him to do or followed any of her advice until that one instance so no it wasn't he was doing it because she asked he did it just to be a jerk at anytime after she passed he could have told me he chose not to he seemed more irritated that I found out before he was able to steal everything she had before I found out. And to be honest I wouldn't have cared if he took everything if he would have just told me. How awful is he well our sister still doesn't have a head stone (10 yrs! Since she passed) cause he con'd my mother into paying his bills and buying him a car till he got back to work which he never did.
Load More Replies...
Lily Anne 2 weeks ago
It’s all her mother- even from the grave she’s making the lives of her children miserable. Don’t tell your brother, don’t tell your sister- that’s literally turning one sibling against the other. How can you rest in peace when you haven’t made peace with your children, and even more- when you know your children will fight bitterly after your death.
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
Honestly there wouldn't have been any fight if I was just informed of her passing in time to go to the funeral I had no desire to take anything from him but the fact that he wouldn't even let me say goodbye and get any kind of closure is what makes me furious with him. He stole my mother and now I'm left to suffer with grief and regret for the rest of my life it's not the only reason why he's done a lot of hurtful things to my mom and I have talked to her about them and she has disowned him multiple times but I stood up for him and my mom would eventually forgive him he didn't do the same for me.
Load More Replies...
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
To go to a different Dr and push for more testing as having that pain with no body position relieving it meant something was wrong she also had other concerns and again suggested she go to a different Dr this in her mind was me smothering her and she didn't want me to advocate her health for her. As for not telling me about her passing my uncle asked her if she cared if I knew about her passing my mom told him she was okay with that my uncle did want to tell me but between my brother and my aunt (uncle and moms sister) he was basically told they would not let me near the funeral and my uncle doesn't want trouble at Mom's funeral so he opted to not tell me at that time (I completely understand) unfortunately with my schedule and my uncle's schedule we we're not in contact till that day. No matter how much I do or don't like my brother to not tell him mom passed away is reprehensible.
Nicky 1 week ago
I´ve been there and know so many other people who took grief out on siblings following the death of a parent. I stopped talking to my sister for 20 years. Please don´t go down this emotional black hole. For your sake, it is a terrible path that will drain you and bankrupt you emotionally, spending your time and energy in despair and wrecking your relationship with your sibling. I understand your intense anger but devoting your time and energy to challenging the estate is such a waste of your time and emotional well-being. Instead, walk away and spend the same amount of time volunteering with kids or walking shelter dogs or doing something that brings you joy instead of despair. It´s not worth it. There is no way of winning, even if your challenge to the estate is successful. For your sake, please don´t make the same mistake I did. I wish I could have the time I wasted grieving my father by displacing my intense anger and rage over his death onto my sister. It was such a waste
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
I wish I could say that I would miss him but he is a horrible person he can never be wrong and if he is and proven wrong he just doubles down. My mother has told me no way in hell would she live with him ever and he has stated he would leave mom homeless before letting her move in with him. I would have told him even if she said no, youngest and has been supported by my mother for most of his life my sister doesn't have a head stone yet after 10 yrs cause my brother "borrowed" the money my mom had to get a car had my mom pay for insurance, and all his bills till he went back to work guess what? He never went back to work. He is mooching off his ex friends ex-wife and her husband by living with them and not paying for anything. He even at one point was trying to get my mom to open a restaurant that he would own and she'd have to do all the work cooking and actually running it while he just collected the money made! There's more horrible things but I really don't have the space or time
Load More Replies... Nicky 1 week ago
I´m so sorry you are dealing with this. After my parents died, I joined a grief support group and heard so many stories about siblings in grief taking it out on one another. Profesionals who were in mourning were slugging it out in court with their siblings over who got the beater car that the deceased parent owned, not because either one needed a car, but because they were experiencing grief and were taking it out on one another. I stopped talking to my sister after our parents died and I would highly suggest you stop your current course of action and walk away instead of spending your emotional energy on this black hole. I wasted so many years battling my sister over what to do with our parents´ house instead of moving on with my life in a positive way. If you don´t need your mother´s house, please walk away for your sake. Spend your energy in pursuits that nourish your spirit and uplift you instead of spiraling into hate and despair, ruining your relationship with your brother
Mel in Georgia 2 weeks ago
This is just one side of the story and the whole family sounds dysfunctional. Wish I could side with the OP, but there's just not enough information about the people involved or the situation.
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
For context my brother has said and done some things that she has responded in the same way mostly he's his father's son or you're just like your dad to which I have told her that is hurtful as we all hated him (long story) and she never truly meant to hurt him just was her way of saying that she didn't like him mostly because he is very concrete you say or tell him something and it's gold you can't change your mind he won't hear it. I myself no matter what has happened between them would never ever think of not telling him I would however wait a bit and if there was no possiblity of recovery would ask her if she would want to say goodbye to him but most definitely would tell him she has hours left come see her or if not possible I would definitely inform him she has passed as soon as I could as for her not wanting me to know it was only about her cancer just before she was diagnosed she had complaints of pain in her side and stated that the Dr had dismissed the complaint I told her to
Load More Replies... JB 2 weeks ago (edited)
What do you mean “contest the estate”? Given there’s an estate lawyer involved who hasn’t yet contacted you, doesn’t that mean the estate is in probate? Until probate is completed, you have no legal right to help yourself to sentimental items, regardless of value. If the house has been left to both of you but there’s a clause giving your brother lifetime right of tenancy, you’re SOL in attempting to force a sale. I strongly suggest you read and understand the will before going for a knee jerk reaction. I’m deeply sympathetic to your pain, if my sibling didn’t tell me that dad had cancer, then died, because he told her not to, d**n straight I’d be hysterical with rage. But, as a nurse, you know your mom had the legal right to give instructions that her medical condition not be communicated to you. Obviously, there’s no legal obligation on your brother, yet you must understand that familial relationship, no matter how close, doesn’t entitle you to medical information. By your own words, “… this time she took it to an extreme.” She took away your chance to make things right. But you can’t take out your pain on her for her decision so you’re displacing it as anger onto your brother for respecting her wishes. I’m really sorry for your loss.
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
From what I can gather the lawyer hasn't filed her estate yet apparently the lawyer is waiting for a certain amount of time so debt collectors can't put a claim on her estate. As for respecting her wishes I love to say this was true he's never done anything she's told him to do or followed any of her advice until that one instance so no it wasn't he was doing it because she asked he did it just to be a jerk at anytime after she passed he could have told me he chose not to he seemed more irritated that I found out before he was able to steal everything she had before I found out. And to be honest I wouldn't have cared if he took everything if he would have just told me. How awful is he well our sister still doesn't have a head stone (10 yrs! Since she passed) cause he con'd my mother into paying his bills and buying him a car till he got back to work which he never did.
Load More Replies... Lily Anne 2 weeks ago
It’s all her mother- even from the grave she’s making the lives of her children miserable. Don’t tell your brother, don’t tell your sister- that’s literally turning one sibling against the other. How can you rest in peace when you haven’t made peace with your children, and even more- when you know your children will fight bitterly after your death.
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
Honestly there wouldn't have been any fight if I was just informed of her passing in time to go to the funeral I had no desire to take anything from him but the fact that he wouldn't even let me say goodbye and get any kind of closure is what makes me furious with him. He stole my mother and now I'm left to suffer with grief and regret for the rest of my life it's not the only reason why he's done a lot of hurtful things to my mom and I have talked to her about them and she has disowned him multiple times but I stood up for him and my mom would eventually forgive him he didn't do the same for me.
Load More Replies... Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
To go to a different Dr and push for more testing as having that pain with no body position relieving it meant something was wrong she also had other concerns and again suggested she go to a different Dr this in her mind was me smothering her and she didn't want me to advocate her health for her. As for not telling me about her passing my uncle asked her if she cared if I knew about her passing my mom told him she was okay with that my uncle did want to tell me but between my brother and my aunt (uncle and moms sister) he was basically told they would not let me near the funeral and my uncle doesn't want trouble at Mom's funeral so he opted to not tell me at that time (I completely understand) unfortunately with my schedule and my uncle's schedule we we're not in contact till that day. No matter how much I do or don't like my brother to not tell him mom passed away is reprehensible.
Nicky 1 week ago
I´ve been there and know so many other people who took grief out on siblings following the death of a parent. I stopped talking to my sister for 20 years. Please don´t go down this emotional black hole. For your sake, it is a terrible path that will drain you and bankrupt you emotionally, spending your time and energy in despair and wrecking your relationship with your sibling. I understand your intense anger but devoting your time and energy to challenging the estate is such a waste of your time and emotional well-being. Instead, walk away and spend the same amount of time volunteering with kids or walking shelter dogs or doing something that brings you joy instead of despair. It´s not worth it. There is no way of winning, even if your challenge to the estate is successful. For your sake, please don´t make the same mistake I did. I wish I could have the time I wasted grieving my father by displacing my intense anger and rage over his death onto my sister. It was such a waste
Jane Doe (Post author) 1 week ago
I wish I could say that I would miss him but he is a horrible person he can never be wrong and if he is and proven wrong he just doubles down. My mother has told me no way in hell would she live with him ever and he has stated he would leave mom homeless before letting her move in with him. I would have told him even if she said no, youngest and has been supported by my mother for most of his life my sister doesn't have a head stone yet after 10 yrs cause my brother "borrowed" the money my mom had to get a car had my mom pay for insurance, and all his bills till he went back to work guess what? He never went back to work. He is mooching off his ex friends ex-wife and her husband by living with them and not paying for anything. He even at one point was trying to get my mom to open a restaurant that he would own and she'd have to do all the work cooking and actually running it while he just collected the money made! There's more horrible things but I really don't have the space or time
Load More Replies... Nicky 1 week ago
I´m so sorry you are dealing with this. After my parents died, I joined a grief support group and heard so many stories about siblings in grief taking it out on one another. Profesionals who were in mourning were slugging it out in court with their siblings over who got the beater car that the deceased parent owned, not because either one needed a car, but because they were experiencing grief and were taking it out on one another. I stopped talking to my sister after our parents died and I would highly suggest you stop your current course of action and walk away instead of spending your emotional energy on this black hole. I wasted so many years battling my sister over what to do with our parents´ house instead of moving on with my life in a positive way. If you don´t need your mother´s house, please walk away for your sake. Spend your energy in pursuits that nourish your spirit and uplift you instead of spiraling into hate and despair, ruining your relationship with your brother
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