Psychotherapist Explains Why We Should Let Our Grieving Friends Be In Pain Instead Of Trying To Cheer Them Up
You won’t heal somebody’s pain by trying to take it away from them. Megan Devine, a psychotherapist and writer of Refuge in Grief has created an insightful animation that talks about the alternative. Even though it may sound counter-intuitive, Devine argues that acknowledging your friend’s pain will help them much more than telling them to cheer up or look on the bright side.
More info: refugeingrief.com
“I started my professional career as a psychotherapist in 2001,” Devine wrote on her website. “In those first years, I worked with people wrestling with substance addiction and patterns of homelessness. In subsequent years, I worked with private practice clients facing decades-old abuse, trauma, and grief. Way back before I became a therapist, I worked in sexual violence education and advocacy. Through it all, I studied the cutting edge of emotional literacy and resilience (and being the social anthropologist I am, I also studied comparative religion, mythology, women’s history, and the use of art for social change).”
The psychotherapist had helped people explore their inner worlds, hear their own hearts, find truth and meaning in their lives. And then, on a perfectly ordinary summer day in 2009, she watched my partner drown. “Matt was strong, fit, and healthy – just three months from his fortieth birthday. It was random, unexpected, and it tore my world apart.”
“When sudden death erupted into my life, all my professional experience felt meaningless. None of what I knew applied to loss of that magnitude. None of what I’d learned mattered. I quit my practice the day Matt died. I never saw my clients again.”
“In those early days of my own grief, real talk – real help – was extremely hard to find. Back then, there were very few people talking about grief as anything other than pathology, or some unfortunate thing you just had to shake off and get back to your normal, happy life.”
That endless search for real support and understanding, “with all its dead ends and wrong turns and disappointments” is why Devine does the work she does now.
Watch the entire video below
Here’s what said about it
That last comment is very disrespectful. People who say 'cheer up' are not always 'not a safe person' or 'don't want to know/don't care'. They are often people who don't know how to help someone, who genuinely care, but never learned how to deal with other people's pain. They themselves were always comforted by others saying 'cheer up' and even though it might not have helped them, they know no other way to react. They're still good people.
Saying that someone is 'not a safe person' to share grief, sadness or depression with is not the same as saying that someone is a bad person, just that they do not possess the skills for handling the situation. In the same way my butcher is not a safe person to approach for open heart surgery. My four year old niece is not a safe person to ask to chauffeur for me. Good people, but not safe in certain situations.
No, ‘not a safe person’ means they can’t be trusted. That they are dangerous to your (mental) health, or might ridicule you or do something to break your trust. Like a bully is not a safe person to talk to about your insecurities.
When you're no longer in pain, though, you could try talking to them about it. If they are willing to learn, then they might yet be a safe person to share grief with. Granted it's completely valid for you to not be in a position to teach them. Not everyone has the mental energy to do that sort of thing, and that's okay. But I just think it's important not to automatically label someone as not-safe when they just don't know better yet. Keep them at arm's length but don't throw them away, you know? :)
I agree. Telling someone to cheer up sounds like telling them you're uncomfortable near them and that they have to fix it asap by cheering up. In other words, it sounds very selfish.
Yes, exactly. They don't realize it or mean it that way but they have no idea what it's like. You never do until it happens to you.
I don't think it is telling them about being uncomfortable around them. I think it is more like you want them to feel better, forget the pain even it is only for a while because you love them and it is natural you don't want people around you to be hurt. Maybe it is not always the best way how people are trying to help but at least you know they care and you are loved.
They gave my kids to my ex. 3 month old baby. Marriage ruined. He was my best friend. Lost everything. Did a suicide attempt. I didnt say cheer up though, but I let Louis de Funes cheer me up. For months all day long that super dumb movie w that diamond that got stuck in a car. I lived together w a guy who was depressed. It drove him nuts. In the morning TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT He mentioned it at counselling later. He used drugs to numb the pain. I used Louis.
who couldn't be cheer up by him? :-) Capture-5d...e4388d.jpg
"YOU" cannot do anything for MY broken heart.. It is mine, anything you say, really isn't going to make me feel any different, or better.. I am grieving, and when it is time for my heart to heal, it will do so in its own manor. The best thing YOU CAN DO, is to: LISTEN to me when I am finally talking, LISTEN to me when I am crying, LISTEN to me when I am ranting.. LISTENING is not giving advice, NOT TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO. We all grieve in different ways... grief is the price of love. grief-5df8...77a524.jpg
Grief IS the price of love- and of being alive.
Yes! And let me talk about him! Don't expect me to erase 40 years of my life, all the experiences that made me the person I am today.
That last comment is very disrespectful. People who say 'cheer up' are not always 'not a safe person' or 'don't want to know/don't care'. They are often people who don't know how to help someone, who genuinely care, but never learned how to deal with other people's pain. They themselves were always comforted by others saying 'cheer up' and even though it might not have helped them, they know no other way to react. They're still good people.
Saying that someone is 'not a safe person' to share grief, sadness or depression with is not the same as saying that someone is a bad person, just that they do not possess the skills for handling the situation. In the same way my butcher is not a safe person to approach for open heart surgery. My four year old niece is not a safe person to ask to chauffeur for me. Good people, but not safe in certain situations.
No, ‘not a safe person’ means they can’t be trusted. That they are dangerous to your (mental) health, or might ridicule you or do something to break your trust. Like a bully is not a safe person to talk to about your insecurities.
When you're no longer in pain, though, you could try talking to them about it. If they are willing to learn, then they might yet be a safe person to share grief with. Granted it's completely valid for you to not be in a position to teach them. Not everyone has the mental energy to do that sort of thing, and that's okay. But I just think it's important not to automatically label someone as not-safe when they just don't know better yet. Keep them at arm's length but don't throw them away, you know? :)
I agree. Telling someone to cheer up sounds like telling them you're uncomfortable near them and that they have to fix it asap by cheering up. In other words, it sounds very selfish.
Yes, exactly. They don't realize it or mean it that way but they have no idea what it's like. You never do until it happens to you.
I don't think it is telling them about being uncomfortable around them. I think it is more like you want them to feel better, forget the pain even it is only for a while because you love them and it is natural you don't want people around you to be hurt. Maybe it is not always the best way how people are trying to help but at least you know they care and you are loved.
They gave my kids to my ex. 3 month old baby. Marriage ruined. He was my best friend. Lost everything. Did a suicide attempt. I didnt say cheer up though, but I let Louis de Funes cheer me up. For months all day long that super dumb movie w that diamond that got stuck in a car. I lived together w a guy who was depressed. It drove him nuts. In the morning TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT He mentioned it at counselling later. He used drugs to numb the pain. I used Louis.
who couldn't be cheer up by him? :-) Capture-5d...e4388d.jpg
"YOU" cannot do anything for MY broken heart.. It is mine, anything you say, really isn't going to make me feel any different, or better.. I am grieving, and when it is time for my heart to heal, it will do so in its own manor. The best thing YOU CAN DO, is to: LISTEN to me when I am finally talking, LISTEN to me when I am crying, LISTEN to me when I am ranting.. LISTENING is not giving advice, NOT TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO. We all grieve in different ways... grief is the price of love. grief-5df8...77a524.jpg
Grief IS the price of love- and of being alive.
Yes! And let me talk about him! Don't expect me to erase 40 years of my life, all the experiences that made me the person I am today.