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“That Level Of Hate Was Shocking”: 80 First Date Red Flags That Made Women Know There Would Never Be A Second
“Better late than never” is great advice when it comes to relationships. The sooner you spot the red flags, the sooner you can walk away. Luckily or unluckily, for some people, this realization came on the very first date.
So when an online thread asked them to share their experiences, the replies flooded in fast.
They were about men who proposed before the check even came. Men who mansplained a woman’s own job back to her. And men who crossed straight into stalker territory.
This list has all of that and more. Maybe these warning signs will help you spot the dealbreakers on your next outing before things go too far.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My blind date turned out to be a surprise double date… with his parents. Just as awkward as you’d imagine it to be.
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#2
Told me I was pretty cute, “but there’s a big difference between cute and beautiful,” and proceeded to explain it to me.
#3
I invited him over to my apartment and he brought all of his belongings. Like pots and pans and everything. I had to have my landlord make him leave, lmao.
The way people find love has completely transformed over the last century. In the 1800s, dating was known as courtship and took place at home under the watchful eyes of family chaperones. As cities grew and people entered the workforce, meeting partners shifted to public places like restaurants, dance halls, and theaters.
The earliest recorded use of “date” in the romantic sense appeared in 1896. Humorist and newspaper columnist George Ade used the word to describe a young man complaining that another suitor had filled all the “dates” in a woman’s date book.
#4
Accused me of going out with him because I saw the movie ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and thought he was rich because he is Asian. I’m a white woman, yes. Have I seen that movie? No. Did I watch it after and become even more confused? Yes.
#5
He told me about everytime he went to jail and of course none of it was his fault.
Today, online dating sites are a dime a dozen. But digital matchmaking actually started long before the internet. In 1965, Harvard students used punch cards and a giant mainframe computer to pair thousands of students through paper surveys.
By the mid-1990s, the internet launched desktop dating sites like Match.com, allowing people to search through detailed profiles from home.
The biggest revolution came with smartphones in the 2010s, when location-based swipe apps like Tinder were introduced.
#7
He disparaged women in his own racial group. I asked why he would say such things, he said he wanted to impress me by putting other women down to make me feel “special” and “chosen” by him. That was a signal to me that he probably hates his mom. Immediately no.
#8
On the first date he told me I would make a great wife and his mother would love me, then told me he understood why some men harm their wives because the wives drive their husbands crazy. I decided to leave and he tried to hide as followed me through the mall (connected to the restaurant) as I was walking to the parking lot. I went into Macy’s to hide and he finally left me alone after saying I should be his and his alone. Way too many red flags, and all this happened on a first date.
#9
Propose to me; while sobbing that his mom, who [has] cancer, would love me and I should grant her [last] wish and give her grandbabies.
Lukas (alt) 17 minutes ago (edited)
What OP actually typed, and BP dumbed down: "Propose to me; while sobbing that his mom, who was dying of cancer, would love me and I should grant her dying wish and give her grandbabies." Death exists, it's beyond stupid that we can't say "dying" without using methods to get around the censor.
According to data from eharmony, around 80 million people in the US use dating apps or websites — which is about 30% of the adult population.
In a survey by Pew Research Center, 44% of people said meeting a long-term partner is a major reason they have used these sites or apps, and 40% say the same for dating casually.
“One idea that has been really strong in the past — certainly in Hollywood movies — is that love is something you can bump into, unexpectedly, during a random encounter,” says sociologist Dr Marie Bergström.
Another idea, she says, is that “love is blind, that a princess can fall in love with a peasant and love can cross social boundaries. But that is seriously challenged when you’re online dating, because it’s so obvious to everyone that you have search criteria. You’re not bumping into love — you’re searching for it.”
#10
We went to see a movie. During the trailers, I leaned over to tell him I'd recently read the book one of the movies was based on. He responded, "Why would you read when you can spend time with me instead?"
There had been many red flags up to that point, but that was the one that made my decision for me.
#11
Pointed to a dent in his car and told me it’s from punching the car after his ex pissed him off. Like it was perfectly normal and justified. Couldn’t end the date fast enough.
#12
Went for coffee and as I was reaching out to pay for his drink he said my clothes were too baggy for him to be able to tell yet if I was worth buying a coffee for. I asked the barista to take his drink off my bill.
Because dating these days relies so heavily on algorithms and search criteria rather than mutual friends or chance encounters, we often meet up with strangers.
You can filter for age, location, and interests on a screen, but you can’t swipe past someone’s actual behavior in real life.
That means the first date itself has become the ultimate testing ground. It’s the very first moment you get to see how a person acts, how they treat others, and whether those hidden red flags start popping up.
#13
He asked me if I’d be willing to lose weight… for him. Lol
Another guy tried arguing with me about something I wrote my thesis on. He was incredibly wrong to the point where I just started laughing.
#14
He was telling a story about his “roommate” and accidentally called her his wife twice. Didn’t even realize it and kept telling the story. I finally stopped him and asked if was married. “Yes, but she’s just my roommate.”
#15
Talking to a guy for ages. It's midnight and he says he just has to see me right now. I met him down the road and he picked me up in his car. I thought we were just going to talk but instead his car has no door handle and he just takes off into nowhere. He then stops about an hour away on a remote country road and starts yelling at me that he knows it's me that is putting messages about him on tv and the radio. Also something about me controlling all the drones following him. I convinced him I needed to [relieve myself] and ran off into the bushes. I waited a few hours then used my mobile to call police and had to give GPS locations as the road I was on didn't exist on Google maps.
A recent YouGov survey asked over 2,000 Americans about 30 different first-date behaviors. Being rude to waitstaff was found to be the ultimate dealbreaker.
About 88% of people said treating service staff poorly is completely unacceptable. No other bad habit in the study turned people off as instantly as this one.
Arriving late without notice was a dealbreaker for 84% of people, while nearly half (49%) cringed at talks about exes. Politics was another touchy subject, with 41% calling it off-limits for a first meeting.
#16
Was so happy to tell me about himself and how good looking he was, and how lucky I was... it was so bad.
#17
Got weirdly aggressive when we played pool and I did better than him. Then proceeded to order multiple jumbo size alcoholic drinks for me because it was a "better deal" despite me saying I didn't want to drink much.
Afterward he got mad when I said I didn't want to go out again and accused me of being shallow and not wanting to date someone shorter than me. I was like, if that was a problem I wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place. You were just a jerk the whole time.
#18
Explained to me how he could fix the education system because teachers didn't know what they were doing (I'm a teacher, and he had never worked in education) and spent a long time explaining to me how the fact that men were more intelligent than women was just part of evolution.
Experts emphasize that minor behaviors on a first date — how someone treats waiting staff, talks about an ex, or handles a small delay — are often indicators of a person’s character. Early dates can offer a peek into a person’s empathy and emotional maturity before romantic feelings cloud your judgment.
Subtle red flags like boundary-pushing, casual disrespect, or self-centered conversation might also scale up as a relationship grows.
“It is tempting to want to give people a second chance, even if you had a really bad first date. You may hate being alone and feel desperate for a steady partner. You may have received a lot of dating advice that suggests you are still single because your standards are too high. However, the opposite can also be true. You may need to raise your standards,” says Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., a Gestalt therapy trainer.
“A bad first date rarely leads to a good long-term mate,” she adds.
#20
Vaped in a movie theater. Full on cloud of grape vapor while the people behind us are just trying to watch a movie.
Studies show that dark and dangerous traits can appear desirable upon first impression. And that is one of many reasons to get to know a potential partner better before getting too involved.
Because, at the end of the day, your time and peace of mind are too valuable to waste on someone who shows you who they are right off the bat.
Think back to your own worst dating moments — how many times did a tiny gut feeling on night one turn into a massive headache later on?
#22
He made a racist remark about there being many of a certain ethnic group around as I was sitting down, I don’t know if [I] even touched the seat before I stood up and said that this isn’t going to work. Hard pass on that.
#23
Showed up with a face tattoo that was not in any of his photos. Then said he didn’t ever read.
#25
Told me that my daughter shouldn’t go to the school I worked at bc she shouldn’t go to school with so many black people.
#26
Lied on his dating profile about his political leanings because he wasn’t getting dates…
I literally dropped the money for my drink on the table and walked off before the waiter could take our order.
Because nothing says winner like someone who literally starts a date off lying.
#27
He snapped his fingers at our waiter and complained that the ice in his water wasn't 'cold enough'. I literally faked an emergency text from my roommate 20 minutes later just to escape. If you treat service workers like trash, we're done.
#28
A guy, a grown adult man in his 40’s, asked me out for dinner. Wanted to go to Olive Garden. His mom had given him a coupon.
We did not discuss who was paying, and I’m not a weirdo who expects the man to pay. FYI.
This man proceeds to steer: “you’re not very hungry, right? The appetizers are big. We could just share an appetizer. How about the calamari? We don’t need drinks, right?”
He was there intending to only spend the $20 coupon or gift card or whatever it was, and not have to pay actual money. But he wasn’t going to say it, he was just going to hint around about it.
So the calamari comes out, and it isn’t very good because hello, it’s Olive Garden. It came pre-made out of a freezer bag or something. Dude proceeds to flag down the waitress to make a scene about how it wasn’t very good. He was trying to make the poor Olive Garden waitress cry over his free $20 coupon appetizer. Was he hoping for comped drinks too? Don’t know, didn’t ask.
And then as I was beating a hasty retreat to my car, he tried to kiss me.
#29
Said white men were oppressed and then kicked me in the shin, when I said that I disagree. Goodbye sir hope to never see you again!
#31
Spent a good amount of time explaining and advising me on the niche industry I’ve worked in for 25 years. Every piece of wisdom was outdated and useless. He had briefly worked in the same industry 20 years prior in an entry level role, whereas I’m the operations manager for a large nationwide company.
#32
One time I was asked on a date but before I could go on said date the guy had a list of demands for the date. My hair was pink, I have facial piercings, and I dress very noticeably goth... we had even met at a gothic industrial night at a local night club. So the list: dye my hair a natural color, remove all piercings, and dress more "normal". This all needed to be done in order for him to be seen in public with me. My immediate reaction as a lonely young girl was to give into the demands, cause in my mind he must have been right. And I painted this image in my head that if we worked out we would at the very least both dress up and go dancing together at the local goth club. But then it hit me just how stupid that was. So I very aggressively told him no and asked why bother asking girls out that he meets there if he wants a chick that wouldn't even show up there. I blocked him. Realizing there wouldn't even be a first date.
#33
For "dinner" he drove us to his mom's house, opened the fridge and said "anything you can use in there to make us something to eat?"
I called a cab and left.
#34
He told me that “anorexic girls are hot” even when he knew I previously had anorexia.
Then proceeded to tell me I’d look better if I lost weight. At the time I was still pretty skinny.
Luckily I had recovered enough so that his comments didn’t send me into a spiral, but still. That was some messed up stuff.
Kate Johnson 1 hour ago
I would have said, "You know what I think is hot? A man with more than two brain cells, and that wouldn't be you, would it?"
#35
I am bisexual, and he tried to convince me to split the cost of [an exotic dancer] with him. We were just at a casual coffee date.
#36
He said he "doesn't have a thing for feet" and then said if he did, he wouldn't have stayed on the date with me (while gesturing with his head and eyes towards my feet). Apparently my feet are not cute haha.
#37
Messaged other girls on Tinder while I drove him home (we had also met on Tinder), then was confused why I didn’t want to come inside. I get we’re not exclusive but at least wait until you’re out of the car to message other girls.
#39
Driving together on the way to the (first) date- he mentioned he had just paid off some debt. I was like oh that’s awesome I bet it feels great! Then he says he paid so much he couldn’t afford dinner. Ok! I offered to pay to celebrate. He ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, and added extra’s. Talked at me the whole time, I didn’t speak at all. I gave up and paid, let him drop me off at home. Years later he messaged me an apology.
#40
He made a fat phobic joke about some random stranger nearby. I can’t stand people who feel the need to pick apart anyone around them - what do you gain from having such a mean heart?
#42
When asked what he did for work he responded ‘I am in the business of helping other people make money. ‘.
Amway.
#43
He desperately tried to win his ex-girlfriend back at the bar we were at. She was the bartender. He picked the venue. I spent the night awkwardly sipping my drink watching my date make a fool of himself.
#44
He went on an unprompted rant about how much he hated gay people and they were wastes of people. I had on my profile that I was a shadowcaster in our local Rocky Horror Picture Show group and had a couple pictures of me with cast-mates that were clearly of the rainbow variety. Honestly, most of my friends back then were gay. I ended the date early and blocked him. This was back around 2014 in a pretty friendly city, so that level of hate was shocking to young me.
#46
Less than an hour into our date he asked me what kind of birth control I was on because the last girl he dated refused to take birth control, got pregnant, and then decided to have an abortion—and he didn’t want to happen again.
#48
Invited him for dinner - one I cooked myself - he ate it appreciatively and then leaned back and put his feet on the table, one crossed over the other.
Picture dining room table, china hutch, and upholstered chairs - not in the kitchen, not on a formica table - and I was fairly dressed up for the occasion. Shudder. This was in the 70s.
He was beyond uncouth. He had no couth at all. (Yes, was educated but lived with his three teenage sons so maybe they had all gone feral?).
#49
He was late.
He didn't apologize.
He talked all about himself... And his problems with his ex.
He was a cop and felt the need to broadcast it like he deserved extra... But he definitely had a Napoleon complex.
Scary knowing he's in uniform.
#50
He was impatient to leave for the next bar, the date was going well and there was no rush....but he suddenly yelled out for the check, paid immediately, and then grabbed my FULL cocktail and chugged it and said "ok let's go"
This literally happened 3 days ago, online dating again is a trip.
EDIT: this was his regular bar, we walked in and every member of staff greeted him by name. Also, when we left to go to this other bar, he instead tried to insist that we just go back to his place. As the night went on it became clear he was just anxious to get to the [intimate] part and be done with all the pesky getting to know each other stuff.
#51
My mom went on a date with some guy that mainly consisted of him making her watch as he tried and failed to solve a Rubik’s cube. He finally rage-quit and drove her home. Along the way, he cut another guy off in traffic while laughing like The Joker.
#52
Tried to kiss me when I had already said “no”.
No is an answer.
#53
Told me he is living with his ex, is supporting his ex, sleeps in the same bed as his ex and wouldn't shut up about his ex.
Kabuki Kitsune 55 minutes ago
This one is kinda sad. It's a form of manipulative a***e on her part, by stringing him along, to maintain control of him.
#54
Told me there was another girl he was talking to that he liked more than me. Then told me he couldn’t pay for the meal.
#56
He got angry enough to yell at me, in front of my parents, because I had the gall to expect him to take me out without having my nails done.
We were going out fishing?
#57
We were sitting at the bar and his roommate was sitting next to him. I found out near the end of the date.
#58
Told me he really hated cats, after asking me if I had any pets and listening to me talk about my cat.
Another: told me I was completely wrong about an ending choice in a game. Which I wasn’t, I’d played the game many times and had just gotten this ending. But he never got this ending, so it couldn’t possibly be a thing, and proceeded to tell me how wrong I was.
Edit: it was Mass Effect 3, with enough Galaxy Ready points Shepard lives at the end (or the implication is Shep lives). He claimed this was impossible, there’s no way, and I was mistaken.
Kabuki Kitsune 47 minutes ago
He wasn't wrong about the game. When it was first released, there wasn't an ending where Shepard lived. There was an implication he MIGHT, but nothing that expressly said Shepard did live. That was changed when Bioware released the Extended Cut update that added more to the epilogue, making it clear that Shepard could survive if certain conditions were met. In conclusion? OP and the date... played two versions of the same game. OP played the version with the Extended Cut, Date played the original.
#59
He told me that when we got married, I’d have to convert to his religion. I was not even halfway through my latte. I had to explain to him that I do not think that any gods exist, let alone his specific variety of god. He seemed genuinely confused.
#60
We went on a hike (my idea) and he asked to bring his dogs. I love dogs. He let those dogs jump on every person we passed and kept saying, ‘they’re friendly!’ One person responded, ‘not everyone likes dogs jumping on them!’ And he laughed. Many people were clearly uncomfortable. He was like 39. Inconsiderate. Rude. Can’t read the room. You not gonna embarrass me with your behavior. Bye.
#61
Asked me for specific details about how my mom [passed away] and if it was genetic. Essentially sizing up if my genetics were good enough to have kids with.
#64
When I was in university, a guy asked me out on a date to prove to me that San Diego has better Mexican food than Los Angeles. He never took me anywhere to eat that day and instead just drove over to his apartment (I did not go in). Before we went there, he was telling me he gets violent when he drinks and also did a brake check when I told him I had a fear of driving to scare me. I blocked him after the date.
#66
He asked about my hobbies and I said I liked to read. He said “ooo I heard about those spicy books you women love to read.” Didn’t even bother asking what I like to read or what I was currently reading which was a thriller novel, instead just assumed something.
#67
A guy told me he has anger issues so bad he would black out, sometimes for days. I never went on a 2nd date because, you know, I don’t want to end up in a ditch somewhere.
#68
He tried to change my drink order with the waitress, because he thought I should have something more ladylike.
I didn’t make it all the way through the first date, let alone a second.
#69
He spent the entire time we were at the restaurant talking about how much he liked owls, how he lays on his bed every night and listens to videos of them with the lights off, and did you know, they don't really hoot? They mostly screech!
Then he demonstrated.
#70
We both had Disneyland annual passes so decided to first date there. Even if things didn't click, we could still have a fun time and it was a safe public place in case things went south.
Well he proceeded to talk my ear off about wrestling the *entire* time. He hardly asked anything about me, just talked to me about wrestling and how his ex used to go watch his wrestling matches and he wanted that in a partner.
When we were on Pirates of the Caribbean, instead of shutting it and enjoying the ride, he kept talking about wrestling!
He was a nice enough guy but our interests did not align and I felt 0 desire to make another attempt at anything.
#71
He said he was glad I wasn’t some Jew from J-Date.
I’m Jewish.
I told him so, cue shocked face, then I went to pay for my own drink and left.
#72
He kept touching things in the art museum. Until I told him off. Then he just kept touching all the signs that said "do not touch" and giggling. We were both in our 20s...
#73
Dude told me because I enjoyed cartoons I was childish and needed to grow up. Had my own place, my own car, paid my own bills, had a whole degree….and he kept trying to invite himself into my place when he dropped me off. He got blocked immediately after the door closed.
#74
He said my dog looked like a mop.. and wouldn't stop making fun of her, because he doesn't like smaller dogs.
#75
When he picked me up he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the passenger seat. I immediately thought how sweet that was. He didn’t give them to me right away but I thought he might be saving them until later in the date. We start driving and he asks if I mind if he stops off to say hello to sick classmate before we get something to eat. I agree, so we pull up to an apartment complex, he grabs the flowers, and proceeds to jump out of the car while telling me to sit tight and that he won’t be long. 20 minutes later he returns and tells me SHE loved the flowers. We then proceeded to a restaurant where all he did was talk about himself for the rest of the date. When he dropped me off at home he leaned over for a kiss and asked when we would meet again. I didn’t kiss him and told him I didn’t think it was a match.
#76
We didn’t even make it to the first date. We were going to go to a carnival at the beach and the day of, he texted asking if I wanted to get Chinese food and “Netflix and chill” instead. I cancelled and never talked to him again.
#77
Sat on the same side of the booth as me, kept touching my leg and talking really close to my face. NOPE.
#78
My friend's date pulled out his phone mid-conversation to show her his stock portfolio. She said she's never paid a check so fast in her life.
#79
Pressured me to do shots (I declined, while he still did them), talked about how he drove from 30+ minutes away for the date, then disclosed he has 2 prior DUIs. I noped out real quick.
#80
Said he was taking me to a nice restaurant. We arrive and get seated and then the owners come meet us.... the owners were his parents. Yes, he introduced me to his parents on a first date.
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