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If He Wanted To, He Would: 29 Women Share Valuable Lessons They’ve Learnt
It's rare, but sometimes strangers on the internet can dole out some true wisdom. In this case, we present you tidbits of knowledge from the sisterhood of women. Cue the viral TikTok soundbite from the "Anne with an E" series: "How I love being a woman!"
These tips from ladies come from the Ask Women subreddit. They all had some really interesting and wholesome insights to the question "What’s the most valuable lesson you’ve learned as a woman that you wish you knew when you were younger?" Ladies shared all sorts of advice that they gathered throughout their years on this earth, and you can read the most impactful entries below.
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#2
If a partner is insulting you and it's "just a joke", it's not just a joke. He's testing your boundaries to see how much degradation and embarrassment you'll endure.
#3
Placing boundaries down feels like an attack to the people who didn't care about them in the first place.
This wholesome thread of women sharing wisdom is evidence that we need strong female relationships. In some cases, female friendships can even help women survive longer. Studies have shown that psychological support increases the survival rate of breast cancer patients.
That's exceedingly true for those women who get their diagnosis early. A 2011 study in the Journal of Clinical Oncology found that women were 4 times more likely to die if they didn't have many friends.
#6
Not all women who call themselves your mentors are your allies. Some of them are insecure and are unwilling to let other women around them succeed.
Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Christina Watlington lists some benefits of sisterhood. First, it can have a calming effect. Reaching out to girlfriends when we're feeling stressed can help us unwind.
"In doing so, our brains actually release a feel-good chemical, oxytocin. This chemical instantly reduces anxiety, improves focus and concentration and encourages us to bond," Dr. Watlington writes.
#8
Your self worth is not defined by a man wanting to sleep with you; learn to love/put yourself first.
Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D., has found that women respond differently to stress than men. When stress gets a hold of men, it triggers a fight-or-flight response. Based on recent studies, researchers now believe that women have a wider variety of responses. Klein says that in women, oxytocin buffers the fight-or-flight response. They then start taking care of children and gather with other women instead.
#10
Wear the [darn] bikini or bathing suit. Everyone is so obsessed and worried about their own body & trying to hide their insecurities that I promise … they’re not at all concerned about your stretch marks, body hair or rolls. We all have them. You’ll instantly be more attractive from the sheer confidence about not having a care in the world.
#11
He doesn't like you because you're "mature" (see: traumatised) for your age. He likes you because you're young.
#12
If people treat you badly or make you feel bad, they're not your friends. Don't put up with other people's bad behavior just because you want to have friends.
"When [a woman] actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect," Klein claims.
Why doesn't this happen to men? The doctor believes testosterone reduces the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen, in turn, enhances them. Female friendships therefore act as a chemical antidote to stress.
#13
You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings. You don't owe him anything just because he likes you.
#14
It’s okay to say no and be firm. Not everyone means well Don’t settle, what another won’t do, somebody will. Trust your gut. You don’t have to conform to societies standards of a woman. You don’t have to shave. You don’t have to dress feminine. You don’t have to cater to men. Once an abuser, always an abuser, red flags are there for a reason and should not be used as a “well maybe that was just how they are” argument. If you see it, it’s not going to change. It’s not nagging if you have to repeat yourself because they won’t fix it the first time. You don’t have to rush to have kids. That is not your only purpose. You are not on a timeline that needs to be pushed. Being a woman doesn’t mean you owe people a conversation just because they are interested in you. And IF YOUR A YOUNG FEMALE, even underage, THE OLDER MEN DONT LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOUR MORE MATURE THEY ARE PREDATORS. Don’t trust men/boys with [undressed] photos.
#15
Being kind and generous is important, but treat it like an oxygen bad on an airplane. Give it to yourself first, and then if you can give it to others. I ran myself dry always giving and then starting to resent not receiving. One day a light bulb went off that resentment is about me - not everyone else. Annnd I started giving back to myself and DANG was it a game changer!
Dr. Watlington lists another benefit of female friendships – its power to stave off loneliness. "When we feel connected to other people, we are buffering ourselves against the detrimental effects of loneliness," the clinical psychologist writes.
#17
**Love isn't hard and doesn't hurt.** If you're with someone that seriously hurts you, either intentionally or through carelessness, that's not love. Being in love with the right person is the easiest thing in the world. If you've got to fight to make it work, it fundamentally isn't working. Yes, there can be struggles that are hard, as life is hard. Supporting each other through life's hurdles is easy as f, caring about how the other person feels is easy as f. If you think the person you love hurts you, (regardless of their intention) and you tell them it hurts you, they won't do it again if they really love you.
This is especially important for older women. Marriage and family therapist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D, writes about this for Psychology Today. According to her, female friendships are often the key to happiness for older women. The downside is that we often refuse to see it as important.
#19
Periods painful enough that you have to cancel plans and/or stay home from work ARE NOT NORMAL!
"Human beings need relationships to survive," she writes. "Infants can die if they go too long without being held, and the elderly experience an increased risk of mortality without social interactions. Isolation and loneliness are major factors in depression and negatively affect mental, physical, and cognitive health."
#22
I am 30F, my whole life my father made me feel insignificant. I wish I would’ve known my value and worth sooner, I wish I would’ve known I didn’t need to waste time trying to convince other people I was worth it, especially when I didn’t believe it myself. I wish I would’ve told my dad to f*** off sooner. My life has been so much better since then. Dont chase relationships with people who don’t see the value of having a relationship with you and privilege it is to be involved in your life- no matter who it is.
#23
Guessing this is going to be wildly unpopular, but here's mine from 20+ years of working in corporate jobs: The business world is still very much set up to reward youth and beauty when it comes to women. When I was young I thought all my promotions and pay increases were solely the result of my talent and hard work. Now that I'm older I realize that the road gets harder and steeper once men stop seeing you as a fun, non-threatening sidekick and start seeing you as one of their peers. I say this fully realizing being a young woman in business comes with its own set of problems, but my advice is to leverage this as much as you can while you can (without being gross or compromising your principles, obviously) because it gets harder as you get older.
#24
Decide what YOU really want now and for your future. Doesnt have to be detailed. Just a general idea of what you are and are not willing to have in your future. Then make the big decisions accordingly.
Whether we're young or old, knowing that we're part of one big sisterhood can help our mental health a great deal. Female friendships are on a whole other level and that's backed up by science.
It's like Beyonce said: "I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman that understands you. I grow so much from those conversations."
#25
Wear whatever the f*** you want. Men are going to treat you s****y no matter what you wear. Decent people don’t give a s**t about clothes, and they wont care if you dress like a weirdo or a bimbo or a f*****g astronaut.
#26
To love myself first and foremost. I feel like it is a common thing for a woman to learn to put others’ needs before one’s, and I wish I knew earlier that it doesn’t work that way.
#27
Words are cheap, actions are expensive. You can say anything you want but to actually DO the thing takes actual effort and, for important things, sacrifice. Don't accept the words. Only accept the actions.
#28
Ask yourself regularly, is this something I really want to do or am I only doing it because I feel I have to/other people expect me to. Ask yourself questions about why you feel how you do about things, and where those thoughts come from. Knowing yourself is the most amazing thing. Even when the questions and answers are scary, don’t run away from them. If you truly want to be happy you’ll have to put in the emotional work at some point and it’s much easier to do it young. Workout not to be skinny but to be strong. The best time to get strong is now, because it gets harder quickly in the future. 5 minutes is a million times better than zero.
#29
Relax. Things will happen at their own pace. Don’t stress yourself out thinking you have to have everything early on. It will come.
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