“A Dog Is Not The Same As A Husband”: Woman Loses Patience With Her Sister For Nonstop Comparisons Of Their Losses
Grief can be an overwhelming emotion, and in times of grief, we look to our friends or loved ones for support. One woman, however, complained to the AITA subreddit that when she and her sister grieved for two very different losses together, she felt that her grief had been undermined. Her sister had lost her dog, while the author of the post had lost her husband and the father of her children.
Her post sparked a surprisingly open, honest, deep and mature conversation on the nature of grief and when, if ever, we can compare our grieving processes. Follow this emotional journey below, because whether or not you’ve ever lost someone (or something) close to you, this post has something meaningful for everyone.
It’s natural for people to reach out for support when grieving and healing. However, we may not always get the support we were expecting
Image credits: Tiago Bandeira (not the actual photo)
Two sisters were experiencing the loss of loved ones at the same time, but one got tired of comparing their grief
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Image credits: mybsker
The loss of a spouse when you’ve already started a family together can be an earth-shattering loss. As the author of the post, u/smybsker, writes, “It’s hard, I’m still grieving and I miss him everyday. I have to take medication for depression and anxiety to help me get through the day.”
Only a few weeks later, her sister had to put her dog down due to health issues. “She was very upset, which is understandable,” wrote u/smybsker. Interestingly, this part of the story already highlighted a key difference in how our society approaches human and animal mortality. The euthanization of companion animals is widely seen as an acceptable practice to ease our beloved pets’ suffering at the end of their lives or when facing insurmountable health issues.The issue of human euthanasia is far more controversial.
Image credits: Julia Taubitz (not the actual photo)
The grief of losing a pet can be difficult to understand for those of us without pets, but it can be a very real presence for those who have them According to The Clinician’s Guide To Treating Companion Animal Issues, “Pets have become important family members; many live inside the home and provide important daily support and unconditional love throughout each day. When a special companion animal dies, some people suffer prolonged grieving that is magnified by being disenfranchised, not acknowledged and recognized.”
The author of our story empathized with her sister’s grief for her pet, but took issue when her sister’s grief began to encroach on hers and when she began to compare their grief and suffering. “Now, she’s comparing our losses. Telling me she knows exactly what I’m going through. That she can relate to the pain of losing someone so close to you. She calls me asking if we should visit graves together. It was fine the first time but it’s constant.”
Image credits: Rae Angela (not the actual photo)
Grief can cause extraordinary anxiety and stress, and the author acknowledges this in her story. Cruse, a bereavement support organization, writes that the anxiety caused by grief can, among many other things, make us feel irritable and put us on edge. While the author concedes that she may have made a mistake in her response to her sister, we must also remember the extraordinary grief she was (and, in all likelihood, probably still is) processing.
This angered the author’s sister, which is understandable, and which is probably the reason why she posted on the AITA subreddit in the first place. The subreddit is, after all, a useful sounding board for getting a broader array of opinions and insights on your own actions.
As readers pointed out aspects of the woman’s relationship with her sister, she opened up more about her feelings
Most commenters supported the woman’s plight, recognizing the differences between her situation and her sister’s
While commenters’ opinions differed on many aspects of this situation, the conversation tended to be quite mature and understanding. For all the nastiness that can fly back and forth online, it was refreshing to see such an emotionally sensitive debate unfold. Some people agreed that it was totally unfair to compare the loss of a dog with the loss of a husband. Others saw no issue with this, instead emphasizing that the problem was a question of respecting one another’s grieving processes and boundaries.
What most people seemed to agree upon was that the author’s sister shouldn’t have imposed her grieving rituals and processes on her. The sister shouldn’t have imposed, while the author should’ve set clearer boundaries for how they each expected to grieve their losses.
Naturally, however, we’re interested in hearing what our readers think about this discussion of grief. Was the author wrong to push back against her sister the way that she did, or did she do the right thing by reminding her sister that not all tragedies were created equal?
Other commenters, however, were more critical of the woman’s inclination to compare her grief to her sister’s
Eventually, the woman returned to provide us all with news about how she and her sister had learned and grown from the discussion
I lost my mum, my dad, my older brother, and my dog within a decade. I am still grieving all four, they were all important in my life in their own ways. My dog kept me grounded to the world more than the others. Their deaths don’t have a set hierarchy to me. Grieving is not competition, nor should compared to one another because it’s personal.
This all would have been a non-issue if dog sister didn't insist on comparing her grief with husband sister.
I agree, but I can see where it came from (grief and a need to be understood)
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A child cannot make you soup or read, but the loss of a child is enormous. All grief is unique, and all grief is the same.
Perhaps part of the pain of the loss was losing support and assistance with helping with parenting and household tasks. Whilst the grieving elements may be similar, the fact they mentioned that sounds like they are not keen to have to take responsibility for all of the required tasks and would like support.
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No one can tell how much love someone feels for a being, whether it's a person or a pet. Love can't be measured, the value of a being in our lives can't be measured, and the grief of loss shoudn't be compared. Just because she loved her husband more than anything, doesn't mean the sister didn't love the dog more than anything. "Yeah but a human is not equal to pet". I know, but would any of you here care if I died? No, but those of you who have pets and love them would care a lot if they died. Why? Because they are important to you, maybe in a way other people would never understand. So it's not about which loss hurts the most, it's about how much love you feel for that being. And if you can't love a pet as much as you can love a person, well, speak for yourself, because I can. But that's just my opinion. Bring the dislikes now...
What I think is horrible behavior that the sister with the dead dog expects (at least I interpret it that way) emotional support from the sister with the dead husband. To me it's a case of telling someone with breast cancer that you know how they feel because you broke your leg. When a spouse dies, it is not only grief and sadness like for a pet. It also means a whole whole lot of overwhelming work that you are really in no emotional condition to do and often also don't feel sure what you are actually required to do - hospital bills, taxes, legal stuff, funeral, grave site, inheritance plus she has to look after two devastated children, reorganize child care, etc. Death of a human is damn complicated in legal terms at least here in Switzerland. Of a pet, not at all.
I grieve. I mourn. I miss. Does it matter whom, or does it matter that someone holds me while I cry? Correct answer: Someone holds me while I cry.
Grief is grief. Perhaps sister wasn’t the wisest about it and thought she could express empathy and connect. However, loss of a partner can be different to loss of a pet. For logistics if nothing else. Dog sister should also take care not to alienate her husband. In general, humans outlive pets and that should be understood at first point of ownership. That said, losing my cat was, in some ways harder than losing my marriage, harder than losing my mum. She was my first pet as an adult and we grew up together. I spent more time with her than anyone, she saw me through the loss of both. I was surprised how much it hit me.
I've lost my mom and I've lost pets. To say that a pet is just as important as a human who has been part of your life for probably much longer than any animals lifespan, is cold and heartless. I like animals but they are just that animals and basically almost every species besides the odd turtle and such you will outlive. The Bond you have with another person you love and an animal are very different as well. Little sister needs to go get some serious help if she thinks that her dog was an important as her disceased brother inlaw.
I lost pets and my mom too and I definitly take the loss of my pet equally hard or even harder since I don't bond well to humans. It is seriously ridicilous to try to police what other people feel. So maybe TO YOU it's harder to lose a human , that doesn't make it a law.
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I lost my sister. My parents. All my aunts and uncles. Except for my sister, all this century. My dog is not a pet, she is a service dog. I depend on her to function. She is 13 years old and I dread the day she dies. I grieved deeply for the loss of my family. I grieved the loss of my previous service dog. We all grieve in our own way, and the being we grieve for is different for each. One can not judge one person's grief with another's but there should be no comparing. Sympathize, yes. Eympethize, yes. Compare, no.
NAH, All grief is unique, we all grieve differently. It is wrong to try and compare the pain of losing anyone, including pets, to someone elses loss. What we need instead is empathy, to realise that, as I said, grief is not to be compared like a competition, and instead, that we should respect it and how it effects different people, no matter who we have lost.
My vet once said after we lost our old dog (and my husband didn’t understand how he could logically be feeling such a depth of of grief) “love is love, it doesn’t matter where it lands”. Grief, to the extent that it is measurable at all, is measured not by what is being grieved, but by the depth of grief being felt. While it is not thoughtful or tactful to compare any one loss to any other loss and while logically a spouse should “weigh” more than a pet, nevertheless it is perfectly possible that, in each case for the person feeling it, the grief felt for the dog is as deep, real and devastating as the grief felt for the husband.
ESH. It's already pretty embarrassing how human decide that humans are superior to everything else. If that doesn't convince, just exchange "humans" for something like "redheads" or "germans" or any other arbitrarily selected group that, on its own behalf, decides to deserve being seen as superior. Ok, now that this is out of the way, the emotional impact and the change to livelihood are the key parts. Can't compare. But, degrading the grief over a beloved animal that just happens not to be human disqualifies from anything and everything. The emotional impact may very well exceed that a dead human causes, or the other way round, and nobody can really control that.
It's not about superiority it's about equivalence. A human is not equal to a dog. When you enter into a relationship with another human you reasonably expect them to be around for most of your life. When you get a dog you know they are going to be gone within 15 years unless you're extremely lucky. It's still horrible when your dog dies, but it was always expected. Even in human loss we shouldn't compare loss since not all loss is equal. Losing a grandparent is terrible but also an experience most of us will have given the laws of nature. Losing a child is inconceivably awful as it's something most of us will never experience if we're fortunate. You can't equate losing a dog to losing a husband, just like you can't equate losing a grandparent to losing a child.
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NTA. She has been completely inconsiderate of your feelings and needs, which means she probably doesn't even think you are going through the same thing, she clearly believes her problem is much more important.
I hate to see it that way but yes it be like that. I've lost pets who I loved so damned much that family didn't know how to tell me they had died, they were scared I'd seriously lose my marbles. I've also lost a brother and father, it is a different loss and love. I don't have a big brother to tell me it will all be OK no matter what or a father to help me figure out my home maintenance, do I need a plumber or a specialist in hot water systems when mine breaks down, all that dad how do I do this one is gone. All his life advice, relationship advice, cracking the jokes he knows will pull me out of depressive states at that perfect moment, commiserating, debating politics, religion, sports everything gone. My pets were there for me and I for them but face it, they were pets, I did most of the work kids they gave me purrs, face licks and laughs but they never knew whether I was heading up the right path with friends, colleagues and boyfriends, just not the same loss.
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The only death I can imagine being "worse" than other types is losing a child, and that's mostly because it violates the natural order. I've not experienced it, but my niece was killed in a car accident about 5 years ago. My sister-in-law nearly lost her sanity over it. That's not a joke or an exaggeration. It affected her so badly, she started hallucinating and had to be hospitalized.
No body has the right to compare the pain of bereavement, for many a dog is not just a 'pet' they are part of their lives as loved and cared for as any person would be. A dog you have bonded well with will read your mood and give comfort when need many support dogs will save their humans lives on a weekly basis, I will grieve my dog when he goes every bit as much as I would grieve my parents if not more. no one has the right to judge that
I have lost 2 children and a partner and pets. The experience of each loss was different. What was the same in all is the loss of what is no longer there. And what you lose with each is different. With pets is the unconditionally happy snuggler and greeter (and to be a little light hearted - the loss of your mouse killer in a century old house). With a child it’s the loss of what you will never get to do with them… never getting to watch them grow up or experience what you had hoped for them or they hoped for themselves. With a partner, loss of what was supposed to be your lifelong companion… the person you get into a rhythm with… what you can do that they can’t and vise versa… being able to serve and be served in ways that you know make them smile… I’d still say and human lost is not compatible to a pet but some of the feelings of what is not there anymore that was there before is the same.
No one can say which will hurt more. I lost my fiancé, the person I had been with for years at that time, and with whom I thought I'd spend my life with. I also lost my cat a few years later. This may not go over well here, but the loss of my cat hit so much harder. I can't fully explain why, as even I'm not sure why the pain was/is at the levels they were/are. My point is this... losing someone you care about sucks...be it a person or a pet. No one can judge you for how you feel in those moments because they are, obviously, not you and they are, obviously, not going through the same thing you are. Let people feel the pain they feel.
A dog is not *just* a pet. I'll let Robert Dessaix explain far more eloquently than I could: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/may/28/what-is-a-dog-then-on-the-unbearable-death-of-my-dog-polly
That is a beautifully written post about what that person's dog meant to them. It really is. Losing a dog, or a beloved pet of any kind, really is a harrowing and terrible experience. However, it's not the same as losing your partner. It just isn't. And the OP didn't say anything about the dog being "just a pet". She just pointed out that there was a difference between her sister losing her dog and her (OP) losing her husband. A difference that her sister was not considering.
Load More Replies... I first thought that clearly the dog was the only love her sister had in her life, and while completely understanding the OP, I felt very sorry for her sister as well, having lost the only thing she has in her life. Then OP said “at least she still has her husband”, and I thought “WTF?” I still feel bad for her sister, but there is a severe disconnect there. Does she equate losing her dog to losing her own husband? Then again, there could be fertility issues and she saw her dog like a child.
Loved that sis wanted to relate and all, but bffr. She should’ve given older sis some space to cope with the loss of HER HUSBAND before saying “oh I lost my dog, they’re basically the same thing🤪”. Ma’am, if your dog is equivalent to a husband, then you have some serious issues.
The loss and grief is individual to everyone. Animals can mean the world just like a family member to a lot of people. I HATE people who play down loss of animals Cause it's 'just a pet' it's disgusting. How would you feel if you're in agony grieving your husband and someone says oh you're only young it's just a husband you can get another!!!
A dog is not on the same level as a husband, sorry to break it to you. You can love and grieve your pets as much as you want. And nobody is playing the death of animals down, their just pointing out that a human loved one, like a husband, is closer to some than a pet.
Load More Replies... I lost my mum, my dad, my older brother, and my dog within a decade. I am still grieving all four, they were all important in my life in their own ways. My dog kept me grounded to the world more than the others. Their deaths don’t have a set hierarchy to me. Grieving is not competition, nor should compared to one another because it’s personal.
This all would have been a non-issue if dog sister didn't insist on comparing her grief with husband sister.
I agree, but I can see where it came from (grief and a need to be understood)
Load More Replies... A child cannot make you soup or read, but the loss of a child is enormous. All grief is unique, and all grief is the same.
Perhaps part of the pain of the loss was losing support and assistance with helping with parenting and household tasks. Whilst the grieving elements may be similar, the fact they mentioned that sounds like they are not keen to have to take responsibility for all of the required tasks and would like support.
Load More Replies... No one can tell how much love someone feels for a being, whether it's a person or a pet. Love can't be measured, the value of a being in our lives can't be measured, and the grief of loss shoudn't be compared. Just because she loved her husband more than anything, doesn't mean the sister didn't love the dog more than anything. "Yeah but a human is not equal to pet". I know, but would any of you here care if I died? No, but those of you who have pets and love them would care a lot if they died. Why? Because they are important to you, maybe in a way other people would never understand. So it's not about which loss hurts the most, it's about how much love you feel for that being. And if you can't love a pet as much as you can love a person, well, speak for yourself, because I can. But that's just my opinion. Bring the dislikes now...
What I think is horrible behavior that the sister with the dead dog expects (at least I interpret it that way) emotional support from the sister with the dead husband. To me it's a case of telling someone with breast cancer that you know how they feel because you broke your leg. When a spouse dies, it is not only grief and sadness like for a pet. It also means a whole whole lot of overwhelming work that you are really in no emotional condition to do and often also don't feel sure what you are actually required to do - hospital bills, taxes, legal stuff, funeral, grave site, inheritance plus she has to look after two devastated children, reorganize child care, etc. Death of a human is damn complicated in legal terms at least here in Switzerland. Of a pet, not at all.
I grieve. I mourn. I miss. Does it matter whom, or does it matter that someone holds me while I cry? Correct answer: Someone holds me while I cry.
Grief is grief. Perhaps sister wasn’t the wisest about it and thought she could express empathy and connect. However, loss of a partner can be different to loss of a pet. For logistics if nothing else. Dog sister should also take care not to alienate her husband. In general, humans outlive pets and that should be understood at first point of ownership. That said, losing my cat was, in some ways harder than losing my marriage, harder than losing my mum. She was my first pet as an adult and we grew up together. I spent more time with her than anyone, she saw me through the loss of both. I was surprised how much it hit me.
I've lost my mom and I've lost pets. To say that a pet is just as important as a human who has been part of your life for probably much longer than any animals lifespan, is cold and heartless. I like animals but they are just that animals and basically almost every species besides the odd turtle and such you will outlive. The Bond you have with another person you love and an animal are very different as well. Little sister needs to go get some serious help if she thinks that her dog was an important as her disceased brother inlaw.
I lost pets and my mom too and I definitly take the loss of my pet equally hard or even harder since I don't bond well to humans. It is seriously ridicilous to try to police what other people feel. So maybe TO YOU it's harder to lose a human , that doesn't make it a law.
Load More Replies... I lost my sister. My parents. All my aunts and uncles. Except for my sister, all this century. My dog is not a pet, she is a service dog. I depend on her to function. She is 13 years old and I dread the day she dies. I grieved deeply for the loss of my family. I grieved the loss of my previous service dog. We all grieve in our own way, and the being we grieve for is different for each. One can not judge one person's grief with another's but there should be no comparing. Sympathize, yes. Eympethize, yes. Compare, no.
NAH, All grief is unique, we all grieve differently. It is wrong to try and compare the pain of losing anyone, including pets, to someone elses loss. What we need instead is empathy, to realise that, as I said, grief is not to be compared like a competition, and instead, that we should respect it and how it effects different people, no matter who we have lost.
My vet once said after we lost our old dog (and my husband didn’t understand how he could logically be feeling such a depth of of grief) “love is love, it doesn’t matter where it lands”. Grief, to the extent that it is measurable at all, is measured not by what is being grieved, but by the depth of grief being felt. While it is not thoughtful or tactful to compare any one loss to any other loss and while logically a spouse should “weigh” more than a pet, nevertheless it is perfectly possible that, in each case for the person feeling it, the grief felt for the dog is as deep, real and devastating as the grief felt for the husband.
ESH. It's already pretty embarrassing how human decide that humans are superior to everything else. If that doesn't convince, just exchange "humans" for something like "redheads" or "germans" or any other arbitrarily selected group that, on its own behalf, decides to deserve being seen as superior. Ok, now that this is out of the way, the emotional impact and the change to livelihood are the key parts. Can't compare. But, degrading the grief over a beloved animal that just happens not to be human disqualifies from anything and everything. The emotional impact may very well exceed that a dead human causes, or the other way round, and nobody can really control that.
It's not about superiority it's about equivalence. A human is not equal to a dog. When you enter into a relationship with another human you reasonably expect them to be around for most of your life. When you get a dog you know they are going to be gone within 15 years unless you're extremely lucky. It's still horrible when your dog dies, but it was always expected. Even in human loss we shouldn't compare loss since not all loss is equal. Losing a grandparent is terrible but also an experience most of us will have given the laws of nature. Losing a child is inconceivably awful as it's something most of us will never experience if we're fortunate. You can't equate losing a dog to losing a husband, just like you can't equate losing a grandparent to losing a child.
Load More Replies... NTA. She has been completely inconsiderate of your feelings and needs, which means she probably doesn't even think you are going through the same thing, she clearly believes her problem is much more important.
I hate to see it that way but yes it be like that. I've lost pets who I loved so damned much that family didn't know how to tell me they had died, they were scared I'd seriously lose my marbles. I've also lost a brother and father, it is a different loss and love. I don't have a big brother to tell me it will all be OK no matter what or a father to help me figure out my home maintenance, do I need a plumber or a specialist in hot water systems when mine breaks down, all that dad how do I do this one is gone. All his life advice, relationship advice, cracking the jokes he knows will pull me out of depressive states at that perfect moment, commiserating, debating politics, religion, sports everything gone. My pets were there for me and I for them but face it, they were pets, I did most of the work kids they gave me purrs, face licks and laughs but they never knew whether I was heading up the right path with friends, colleagues and boyfriends, just not the same loss.
Load More Replies... The only death I can imagine being "worse" than other types is losing a child, and that's mostly because it violates the natural order. I've not experienced it, but my niece was killed in a car accident about 5 years ago. My sister-in-law nearly lost her sanity over it. That's not a joke or an exaggeration. It affected her so badly, she started hallucinating and had to be hospitalized.
No body has the right to compare the pain of bereavement, for many a dog is not just a 'pet' they are part of their lives as loved and cared for as any person would be. A dog you have bonded well with will read your mood and give comfort when need many support dogs will save their humans lives on a weekly basis, I will grieve my dog when he goes every bit as much as I would grieve my parents if not more. no one has the right to judge that
I have lost 2 children and a partner and pets. The experience of each loss was different. What was the same in all is the loss of what is no longer there. And what you lose with each is different. With pets is the unconditionally happy snuggler and greeter (and to be a little light hearted - the loss of your mouse killer in a century old house). With a child it’s the loss of what you will never get to do with them… never getting to watch them grow up or experience what you had hoped for them or they hoped for themselves. With a partner, loss of what was supposed to be your lifelong companion… the person you get into a rhythm with… what you can do that they can’t and vise versa… being able to serve and be served in ways that you know make them smile… I’d still say and human lost is not compatible to a pet but some of the feelings of what is not there anymore that was there before is the same.
No one can say which will hurt more. I lost my fiancé, the person I had been with for years at that time, and with whom I thought I'd spend my life with. I also lost my cat a few years later. This may not go over well here, but the loss of my cat hit so much harder. I can't fully explain why, as even I'm not sure why the pain was/is at the levels they were/are. My point is this... losing someone you care about sucks...be it a person or a pet. No one can judge you for how you feel in those moments because they are, obviously, not you and they are, obviously, not going through the same thing you are. Let people feel the pain they feel.
A dog is not *just* a pet. I'll let Robert Dessaix explain far more eloquently than I could: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/may/28/what-is-a-dog-then-on-the-unbearable-death-of-my-dog-polly
That is a beautifully written post about what that person's dog meant to them. It really is. Losing a dog, or a beloved pet of any kind, really is a harrowing and terrible experience. However, it's not the same as losing your partner. It just isn't. And the OP didn't say anything about the dog being "just a pet". She just pointed out that there was a difference between her sister losing her dog and her (OP) losing her husband. A difference that her sister was not considering.
Load More Replies... I first thought that clearly the dog was the only love her sister had in her life, and while completely understanding the OP, I felt very sorry for her sister as well, having lost the only thing she has in her life. Then OP said “at least she still has her husband”, and I thought “WTF?” I still feel bad for her sister, but there is a severe disconnect there. Does she equate losing her dog to losing her own husband? Then again, there could be fertility issues and she saw her dog like a child.
Loved that sis wanted to relate and all, but bffr. She should’ve given older sis some space to cope with the loss of HER HUSBAND before saying “oh I lost my dog, they’re basically the same thing🤪”. Ma’am, if your dog is equivalent to a husband, then you have some serious issues.
The loss and grief is individual to everyone. Animals can mean the world just like a family member to a lot of people. I HATE people who play down loss of animals Cause it's 'just a pet' it's disgusting. How would you feel if you're in agony grieving your husband and someone says oh you're only young it's just a husband you can get another!!!
A dog is not on the same level as a husband, sorry to break it to you. You can love and grieve your pets as much as you want. And nobody is playing the death of animals down, their just pointing out that a human loved one, like a husband, is closer to some than a pet.
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