Woman Questions Her Sanity After Military Boyfriend Marries Someone Else And Calls It “Normal”

When we really love someone, it can feel like there’s almost nothing we wouldn’t do for them. We might even go to the ends of the earth just to make them happy. But that doesn’t always mean we should.

One woman found herself facing that question when her boyfriend came to her with an unusual proposal. Because of military rules, he was not allowed to live off base unless he was married. Desperate to get out, he decided the solution was to marry someone else—not her—simply for convenience. The idea left her blindsided and heartbroken, but convinced he was the one, she chose to stay.

So she turned to Reddit and asked: would she be an idiot for standing by him through it all? Read the full story below.

The woman’s boyfriend was tired of living on base, but military rules meant he couldn’t move out unless he got married

Image credits: waterbear171 (not the actual photo)

So he came to her with a shocking proposal: he would get married, just not to her

Image credits: waterbear171 (not the actual photo)

Image credits: waterbear171

Love can make us more willing to put someone else’s needs before our own

One of the wonderful things about love is that it can make us better people. Once we’re in a relationship, someone else’s happiness suddenly starts to matter deeply to us, sometimes just as much as our own, and sometimes even more. 

We want life to feel better not only for ourselves, but for them too, so doing kind things for the person we love often comes naturally.

That can show up in small, everyday ways. Maybe it means doing the dishes because you know they hate it, or getting into something like video gaming simply because they enjoy it and you love seeing how excited they get. 

In other cases, it asks much more of us, like agreeing to move across the country so they can chase their dream job. In a healthy relationship, that effort goes both ways, and you’d hope they would do the same for you.

Research actually supports this. A study from the University of Arizona found that people who made small daily sacrifices for their partners tended to feel more committed to the relationship overall. A separate study linked the willingness to sacrifice—when it came from a genuine place—to better personal well-being and relationship quality.

But there’s a catch. Both studies make it clear that sacrifice isn’t inherently good or noble. What matters enormously is why you’re doing it and how you feel about it. 

In the first study, the positive effect of sacrifice disappeared entirely on days when the person was already under significant stress. In the second, sacrifices made out of a desire to avoid guilt or conflict, rather than out of genuine care, were actually associated with worse outcomes for both the person and the relationship.

That’s exactly what was happening with the woman in this story. She was so in love with her boyfriend and saw him as her soulmate that she felt agreeing to his arrangement was the only way to keep him. Nothing about that feels positive or freely chosen.

Image credits: ostap_davydiak (not the actual photo)

But there comes a point when we have to ask if we’re giving up too much

Licensed clinical social worker Robert Taibbi explains that when we sacrifice out of fear—fear of upsetting our partner or fear of conflict—it tends to breed resentment and imbalance over time. Being a martyr won’t make you happy in a relationship, no matter how much you love someone.

So before making any serious sacrifice, it’s worth slowing down and being genuinely honest with yourself about what is really happening. Psychologist Amie M. Gordon suggests asking a few important questions before agreeing to something big.

How committed are you to this relationship, really? Do you want to spend forever with this person, or do you have some doubts? A big sacrifice is much easier to make when you’re genuinely confident about your future together.

Along the same lines, think about whether your partner would do the same for you. Not as a scorekeeping exercise, but to understand whether you’re on the same page and whether there’s genuine mutual respect between you.

Consider too whether your partner even understands what you’re giving up. If they don’t, they can’t fully appreciate it. And before accepting the situation as it is, ask yourself whether there’s a better solution you haven’t fully explored together. Sometimes what looks like an all-or-nothing choice has more room in it than it first appears.

But most importantly—what is actually driving you to do this? Sacrificing out of love and sacrificing out of anxiety are two very different things, and only one of them will actually serve you and the relationship in the long run.

Clearly, the sacrifice asked of the woman in this story was far from equal, and an audacious thing to ask of her in the first place. So ultimately, it didn’t work out, and perhaps that’s for the better. Hopefully she finds someone who actually loves her the way she deserves, and never forgets that she’s allowed to expect that.

Image credits: The Yuri Arcurs Collection (not the actual photo)

Readers had plenty of questions for the author, and she answered them in the comments

Many urged her to leave the relationship, saying her boyfriend’s behavior was awful

Later, the woman returned with an update revealing what happened next

Image credits: pvproductions (not the actual photo)

Image credits: h-studio (not the actual photo)

Image credits: waterbear171

Readers shared words of support and were relieved that she was able to get out

Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda!