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“Please Ask First”: Woman Sets Boundaries With Ex-SIL Who Drops Off Her Adult Son And Bills MIL For Trips
Being around family can be both a blessing and a challenge. They’re the ones who have your back, help you out, and sometimes even go out of their way for you. But occasionally, they cross lines, test your patience, or even try to take advantage of you.
Case in point: a woman shared how her ex-sister-in-law repeatedly showed up at her house without consulting her. Her mother-in-law lived with them, and the ex-SIL would arrive with her 23-year-old son, expecting the author to host them and sometimes even expecting her mother-in-law to pay for vacations. Past efforts to stay polite only seemed to encourage more uninvited visits and assumptions. After years of letting things slide, the woman decided enough was enough. Keep reading to see how the woman finally confronted her ex-SIL.
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Couples often face challenges when family members create messes that can complicate their lives
Image credits: A. C. (not the actual photo)
A woman shared how her ex–sister-in-law would show up unannounced, expect them to host, and pressure her mother-in-law to cover vacation costs
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle (not the actual photo)
Image source: Comprehensive-Gur443
She also detailed the roles her husband and mother-in-law played in the situation
Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle (not the actual photo)
We often go out of our way for family. Whether it’s helping a brother move to a new house, babysitting a niece or nephew at the last minute, or running errands for a parent, family members usually step up when someone needs help. It feels good to be needed, and there’s a sense of satisfaction knowing you’ve made a difference. But giving too much without thought can also become exhausting. While family support is wonderful, it’s easy to slip into patterns where your generosity is expected rather than appreciated. Over time, constantly saying “yes” without limits can affect your energy, focus, and peace of mind. That is why it’s important to have boundaries, as they help ensure that family support doesn’t come at the cost of your well-being.
Setting boundaries may feel harsh or even uncomfortable at first, especially when it comes to family. But remember: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about protecting yourself. Clear limits help relationships thrive. They create a framework where giving and receiving support feels fair, healthy, and respectful.
Catherine A. Sanderson, a psychology professor at Amherst College, explained in a piece for The New York Times that setting limits is a way of taking care of yourself while maintaining healthy relationships. She says, “When we set limits or boundaries for ourselves, we are drawing a line between our needs and those of other people—and this helps us maintain healthy relationships.” Essentially, boundaries are a tool for self-respect. They help you communicate what works for you and what doesn’t. By doing so, you make space for relationships that feel good rather than draining.
When we don’t set boundaries, we risk letting small frustrations pile up until we “explode” emotionally. According to Dr. Sanderson, ignoring your needs in relationships leads to built-up tension, resentment, and stress. Often, others aren’t capable of giving us exactly what we want or may not even realize when they’re crossing a line. That’s where boundaries become critical. They allow us to maintain relationships without feeling depleted. Instead of shutting people out or suppressing your feelings, boundaries give you a clear framework for healthy interaction. They help you protect your energy while still staying connected.
Protecting your own emotions is important to preserve your well-being and prevent burnout
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Time is one of your most valuable resources, and boundaries around it are essential. Professionally, this might mean creating a clear work-life balance: separating work hours from personal time to avoid burnout. In family life, it’s about making sure your schedule isn’t hijacked without warning. Yes, helping out in emergencies is fine, but it shouldn’t become a pattern where you’re expected to cancel your plans or drop everything. Time boundaries are about respect: respecting your own schedule and teaching others to do the same. By being clear about when you’re available and when you’re not, you reduce stress and maintain control over your own life.
Boundaries aren’t just about time—they’re about possessions too. It’s fine to lend things occasionally, but family and friends need to respect your rules. Your things shouldn’t be borrowed endlessly, returned damaged, or assumed to be free. Money is another area that requires clear boundaries. Lending or covering expenses is okay when it’s agreed upon, but it shouldn’t become an expectation or habit. Material boundaries show respect for personal property and financial responsibility. They prevent conflict and help everyone understand what’s acceptable.
In any relationship (family, friends, or romantic), respecting individuality is key. Having clear guidelines about what’s okay and what isn’t can prevent common relationship pitfalls like codependency, constant misunderstandings, and emotional burnout. For instance, if a friend or family member knows that you can’t drop everything for them on short notice, they’re less likely to take advantage of your time or energy. These guidelines help keep trust intact because everyone understands each other’s limits, maintains clarity about expectations, and promotes mutual respect.
Finally, emotional boundaries are essential too. Don’t let people exploit your feelings or guilt you into doing things you’re uncomfortable with. Your emotions are yours to protect. Emotional boundaries mean recognizing when someone is overstepping and responding in a way that preserves your well-being. Saying “no” doesn’t make you unkind; it makes you self-aware. Emotional boundaries help you stay connected without feeling drained, ensuring that your relationships remain healthy, balanced, and supportive.
In this situation, it really seemed like the ex-sister-in-law was crossing the line. She kept showing up at the author’s home unannounced, expecting to be hosted, and even brought her 23-year-old son along without checking if it was okay. On top of that, she appeared to be taking advantage of her mother-in-law financially, assuming she would cover vacation costs. It’s easy to see why the author felt frustrated and disrespected—after all, it’s her home, and she manages the household.
We’d love to hear from you: when family members overstep like this, how do you handle it? Do you think the author was right to set boundaries, or could she have handled it differently? Share your thoughts and experiences—we’re curious how you would deal with a situation like this!
Many pointed out that her ex–sister-in-law seemed to be taking advantage of her mother-in-law financially, and advised the woman to set clear boundaries
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Kate Johnson 58 minutes ago
Sounds like that problem sorted itself out. I'd even reinforce it for her by saying, "You know Betty, you're right, I don't like you. You're invasive and entitled and rude. So if that means you won't come to visit anymore, then YAY!"
Binky Melnik 9 hours ago
I also had no spine, and let people walk all over me; even if they asked me intrusive questions and wanted to do intrusive things like walk into my place “to see it” when I’m not ready for guests, I’d answer the questions and let ‘em barge right in. Living in a building full of gruff old black men who saw this happen repeatedly, they began to pull me aside and ask why they’d witnessed what they’d witnessed. My answer was “They asked me a question,” or “They wanted to see the place.” They were always aghast at my allowing myself to be walked on, but that was how I was raised, to relent to authority, and everyone behaves with authority. I got a whole lotta earfuls about how I was required to do NONE OF IT, and it’s been sinking in. At least half the time, I’m able to say “That’s none of your business,” and “You have no right to come in here,” so I totally feel what OP’s going through, and I really hope she can manage to build a spine, too, before this harridan bankrupts her and MiL.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 hours ago
Super weird that OP "manages the household" despite there being 3 adults. No wonder MIL doesn't choose to come out of her room much. Just because part of your chores split is paying bills doesn't mean you are the only one that gets to decide visitors. The issue isn't with the SIl, it's with the MIL, who has guests without discussing with other housemates.
Kate Johnson 58 minutes ago
Sounds like that problem sorted itself out. I'd even reinforce it for her by saying, "You know Betty, you're right, I don't like you. You're invasive and entitled and rude. So if that means you won't come to visit anymore, then YAY!"
Binky Melnik 9 hours ago
I also had no spine, and let people walk all over me; even if they asked me intrusive questions and wanted to do intrusive things like walk into my place “to see it” when I’m not ready for guests, I’d answer the questions and let ‘em barge right in. Living in a building full of gruff old black men who saw this happen repeatedly, they began to pull me aside and ask why they’d witnessed what they’d witnessed. My answer was “They asked me a question,” or “They wanted to see the place.” They were always aghast at my allowing myself to be walked on, but that was how I was raised, to relent to authority, and everyone behaves with authority. I got a whole lotta earfuls about how I was required to do NONE OF IT, and it’s been sinking in. At least half the time, I’m able to say “That’s none of your business,” and “You have no right to come in here,” so I totally feel what OP’s going through, and I really hope she can manage to build a spine, too, before this harridan bankrupts her and MiL.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 hours ago
Super weird that OP "manages the household" despite there being 3 adults. No wonder MIL doesn't choose to come out of her room much. Just because part of your chores split is paying bills doesn't mean you are the only one that gets to decide visitors. The issue isn't with the SIl, it's with the MIL, who has guests without discussing with other housemates.
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