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“And Why Should I Care?”: Husband Leaves Wife And Son, Says He Has To Put Himself First
It can feel heartbreaking to realize that you are no longer enough for your spouse. While some couples can and do embrace open relationships, they are not for everyone. Nobody should feel like they’re forced into them.
One redditor recently turned to the r/AITAH online community for advice due to a very sensitive situation developing at home. He shared how his wife asked for an open marriage, so he decided to prioritize his own mental well-being instead of her and their child. Read on for the full story, as well as the reactions it got from the internet. Bored Panda has reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article once we hear back from him.
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Working through relationship issues takes a lot of time, effort, and energy
Image credits: Kampus Production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
One man turned to the internet for advice after sharing how he reacted when his wife asked him for an open marriage
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrew Neel / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Decent-Special-1562
Image credits: Alex Green / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Nobody should feel like they’re being forced into an open relationship against their will
There are two main issues at play here. The first is that the OP’s wife asked for an open marriage. The request led to him wanting a divorce. The second issue is that the author of the post stated that he would want unequal custody of their kid. He said that he could be a weekend dad while his wife “could have the child 5 days a week.”
Many readers thought that the author was perfectly within his rights to draw some healthy boundaries and say ‘no’ to the request for an open marriage. However, some redditors had issues with how quick he was to prioritize himself instead of his wife and child.
Others were concerned about the future welfare of the kid and argued that equal custody would be the best way forward. These redditors thought that all parents should prioritize their children, no matter what else is going on in their personal lives.
According to licensed mental health counselor Wale Okerayi, an open relationship is when “both parties of a relationship agree to have separate romantic relationships outside of their primary one.”
The key point here is that both people have to agree to this. Both partners need to be comfortable with the idea of an open relationship. If one of them is not, then it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. It might be time to move on if you and your partner have different priorities.
Image credits: Sofia Alejandra / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Open relationships should not be used as a crutch to fix things between the couple
‘Brides’ notes that your partner should explain to you exactly why they want to be in an open relationship. They should be open about what their physical and emotional needs are and how they are (not) being met.
Polyamory expert Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., warns that it’s very important to be honest with each other. If one partner is pressured into following the other’s whims, it can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment down the line.
“When one person has agreed to consensual non-monogamy under duress—either they have been bullied or badgered until they give in, or they feel like they can’t say ‘no’ but really do not want to be in an open relationship—the challenges become far more intense than they would be if everyone involved was truly consenting,” she warns.
Sheff adds that open relationships should not be used as a crutch for failing partnerships. They are not guaranteed to fix the problems that the couple currently faces in the relationship.
While open relationships can provide a sense of novelty and fantasy fulfillment, they can also breed tension, jealousy, and emotional pain.
Some readers were on the author’s side and offered some well-meaning advice
Many internet users called out the man for how poorly he handled the entire situation
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What do you think ?
BoredPangolin 1 year ago
It's the "you can have the kid 5 days a week" that made me cringe. Looks like what he saw is a nice way to get out of child care. At no point he mentions it's going to be hard to NOT see his boy 5 days a week. Great Dad. :(
Sonia Bailey 1 year ago
Yep and that he referred to his son as 'the child'. That poor kid. Both parents absolutely suck. Her for wanting to cheat and him for being a narcissist.
Load More Replies...
Charles McChristy 1 year ago
You decided to have a kid. The kid didn't ask to be born. I feel for the kid, he has two SHI**Y parents.
Huntress of Artemis 1 year ago
ESH.I am fine with OP leaving his wife.But you need to file for 50/50 custody.He should not dump the child on the wife for the majority of time.
arthbach 1 year ago
'I'll take him at weekends' sounds so much like, "I want to be the fun parent. I don't want to bother with the daily grind, getting ready for school, the child is in bed at a reasonable time. No, I want to be fun."
Load More Replies...
Curbz81 1 year ago
I am all for "put your own oxygen mask on first" but you don't stop there, you put it on your kid next to save them. I agree with the comment that the "me first" mentality probably spans into the bedroom and other things. He sounds like a fairweather father and husband. God riddance.
Jinx (she/her) 1 year ago
"its always me first, even above my own kid," gee, I wonder why your wife isn't satisfied in bed, willing to bet she's unsatisfied in every part of this marriage. what a selfish A! honestly, you shouldn't have any custody, can't be selfish with a small child and no wife/mommy to watch it for you. plus, you shouldn't teach your son it's all about him and no one else matters. f**k off, divorce is what she deserves, in a good way.
Jon Steensen 1 year ago (edited)
I am my priority.... well, yeah... that can sometimes be the aproach you need to take, once you have neglegted you own needs for an extended period, and is worn down to the point where you simply cannot go anymore. But focussing too much on that aspect, while completely neglecting everony else in the process and effectively throwing them under the buss for your gain is not a good strategy to go by in life, and not something that you should teach your children. ... and simply leaving whenever "something disturbes your piece" will just make you spineless. Life hurts from time to time, and you just have to accept this fact and stay and endure the pain if you ever want to learn anything and grow as a human being. You sound like an egoistic brat, who just give up at the first sign of trouble/conflict and don't care about what happens to the people around you, instead of trying to figure out what goes on and exploring your options by having a healthy conversation with your wife. Grow up, you have a child!
arthbach 1 year ago
When two adults disagree over the fundamentals, it's either time to work together to solve the problem, or to split. When there's a child involved, you can not simply put your needs before anyone else. You must engage in the juggling game of trying to find the best solution for parent and child. If you don't, they you really are the AH.
Carney 1 year ago
Leaving your wife because she wants to have a relationship outside the marriage is acceptable. That you are so willing to hurt your child...not acceptable. The proposed 20/80 sharing of the child is selfishness in action. I can see it now, your wife becomes the rule maker and disciplinarian and you become "fun part-time dad." Frankly, both of you, your wife and you are trash people who have a lot of maturing to do. Start by considering putting your kid first.
BoredPangolin 1 year ago
It's the "you can have the kid 5 days a week" that made me cringe. Looks like what he saw is a nice way to get out of child care. At no point he mentions it's going to be hard to NOT see his boy 5 days a week. Great Dad. :(
Sonia Bailey 1 year ago
Yep and that he referred to his son as 'the child'. That poor kid. Both parents absolutely suck. Her for wanting to cheat and him for being a narcissist.
Load More Replies... Charles McChristy 1 year ago
You decided to have a kid. The kid didn't ask to be born. I feel for the kid, he has two SHI**Y parents.
Huntress of Artemis 1 year ago
ESH.I am fine with OP leaving his wife.But you need to file for 50/50 custody.He should not dump the child on the wife for the majority of time.
arthbach 1 year ago
'I'll take him at weekends' sounds so much like, "I want to be the fun parent. I don't want to bother with the daily grind, getting ready for school, the child is in bed at a reasonable time. No, I want to be fun."
Load More Replies... Curbz81 1 year ago
I am all for "put your own oxygen mask on first" but you don't stop there, you put it on your kid next to save them. I agree with the comment that the "me first" mentality probably spans into the bedroom and other things. He sounds like a fairweather father and husband. God riddance.
Jinx (she/her) 1 year ago
"its always me first, even above my own kid," gee, I wonder why your wife isn't satisfied in bed, willing to bet she's unsatisfied in every part of this marriage. what a selfish A! honestly, you shouldn't have any custody, can't be selfish with a small child and no wife/mommy to watch it for you. plus, you shouldn't teach your son it's all about him and no one else matters. f**k off, divorce is what she deserves, in a good way.
Jon Steensen 1 year ago (edited)
I am my priority.... well, yeah... that can sometimes be the aproach you need to take, once you have neglegted you own needs for an extended period, and is worn down to the point where you simply cannot go anymore. But focussing too much on that aspect, while completely neglecting everony else in the process and effectively throwing them under the buss for your gain is not a good strategy to go by in life, and not something that you should teach your children. ... and simply leaving whenever "something disturbes your piece" will just make you spineless. Life hurts from time to time, and you just have to accept this fact and stay and endure the pain if you ever want to learn anything and grow as a human being. You sound like an egoistic brat, who just give up at the first sign of trouble/conflict and don't care about what happens to the people around you, instead of trying to figure out what goes on and exploring your options by having a healthy conversation with your wife. Grow up, you have a child!
arthbach 1 year ago
When two adults disagree over the fundamentals, it's either time to work together to solve the problem, or to split. When there's a child involved, you can not simply put your needs before anyone else. You must engage in the juggling game of trying to find the best solution for parent and child. If you don't, they you really are the AH.
Carney 1 year ago
Leaving your wife because she wants to have a relationship outside the marriage is acceptable. That you are so willing to hurt your child...not acceptable. The proposed 20/80 sharing of the child is selfishness in action. I can see it now, your wife becomes the rule maker and disciplinarian and you become "fun part-time dad." Frankly, both of you, your wife and you are trash people who have a lot of maturing to do. Start by considering putting your kid first.
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