“[Am I The Jerk] For Ignoring What My Fiancée’s Parents Wanted And Wore My Wedding Dress To Her Funeral?”

Grief is a terrible thing to deal with. It comes in many different forms and may take a drastically different amount of time to heal for people.

Navigating the last requests of people that have passed away also may be difficult, but it is a beautiful tribute to a loved one.

A Redditor wanted the internet’s opinion on whether she was a jerk for wanting to grant a request just like this, honoring her fiancée, against her parents’ wishes.

More info: Reddit

Fulfilling the last wishes of your loved ones may be a beautiful and respectful gesture

Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual image)

A woman’s fiancée wanted them both to wear wedding dresses during her funeral, after a tragic accident cut short their future plans of getting married

Image credits: u/Fun_Towel_2726

Wanting to grant this wish, she wore her dress against the fiancée’s parents’ request, catching their ire and even getting bigoted remarks

The poster, a 24 y.o. woman, had recently lost her 27 y.o. fiancée due to a tragic car accident. Before her passing, she let her know that her last request was for them both to wear their wedding dresses during the funeral, as they wouldn’t be able to get married.

The parents would have been okay with a traditional wedding dress, but not with the one that OP had picked out.

We dusted off the old Google-fu and even looked in the Wayback Machine, but even digital time travel didn’t reveal what the dress was, as the link was broken by then.

You may think the dress was provocative or flashy, but from the old comments, it seems that it was reserved, elegant, and beautiful – seemingly tasteful enough for the ceremony.

She talked to her deceased fiancée’s brothers and sisters who said they’d support her wearing the dress, but the parents did not relent and cussed her out for arriving to the ceremony in the dress.

What’s even worse, they let it slip that they never approved of their daughter being LGBT or of her fiancée, calling her a selfish butthole on top of all that.

This left the poster majorly conflicted and hurt, unsure if she did the right thing.

Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual image)

To get a more experienced perspective, Bored Panda reached out to Shannan Guillory, a licensed funeral director who strives to educate people about death on her I Do Death website. She’s got a great blog on her website, where she talks about various sensitive topics where you are likely to find a lot of affirmation for your feelings – I know I did.

Asked about executing last requests and how they should be communicated with the family, Shannan said that open and honest communication is key, a dramatic last request shouldn’t be sprung on them.

“This woman probably saw this as a meaningful tribute, but her parents probably viewed this as [the fiancée] making [this] memory about her.”

According to Shannan, everyone grieves differently, and in her opinion both parties have valid reasons to be upset. This conversation should have happened long before someone passed away. 

Requests that fall outside of societal norms are perfectly normal, as long as they are legal, but if their wishes contradict the legal next-of-kin’s choices, the waters may get muddled.

Therefore, telling someone what you want to be done after your passing isn’t enough, you should make it legal. An Advance Health Care Directive is a good way to start, according to Shannan, choosing a person you can trust… 

“You can choose who gets to be in charge of your health care AND funeral arrangements if something happens to you. That person can be whoever you want!”

Another more expensive route is to preplan your own funeral in advance. Most funeral homes offer the option to plan your own funeral, freeing your family of the financial obligation and protecting your own wishes.

Image credits: Victoria Priessnitz (not the actual image)

Shannan doesn’t believe that any requests are unusual, she rather encourages families to think outside the box.

Some unique requests that she’s seen over the years include everyone attending choosing a song that made them think of the person that passed and using that as a playlist for the memorial service, the family bringing a person’s dog to the service to allow them to say goodbye, and the family serving an entire buffet of different birthday cakes because the person who had passed adored cake.

Shannan finishes the interview with a thoughtful statement: There are so many ways to make your memory last, but what really matters is the conversations you have while you’re still here.”

Things you want done after your passing may go beyond your physical possessions and thus are outside of your last will and testament. Therefore, you may want to let your loved ones know what you’d like to happen after your passing.

It may be convenient to talk about these things with them beforehand so they have no questions when the time comes. You could possibly create a document with all of your requests too, so nothing is forgotten or misinterpreted.

The Balance suggests several things that should be in such a document. These may include: whether you want a funeral or memorial service, where the service should be held, who should be notified of your passing, whether you want to be cremated or buried, money that you have put away for your final expenses and where it is, etc.

Diaspora Insurance says that last wishes should be fulfilled if possible, as it is important to respect them and preserve their dignity.

The post collected more than 9k upvotes over the course of two years. With almost 700 comments, the community judged OP not to be a jerkhole, saying that perhaps the parents could have been right, but seeing as the dress was reasonable and especially when the bigotry came out, they lost all support from the internet.

The commenters supported the poster and judged her not to be a jerk

Image credits: Sofia Hernandez (not the actual image)

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