“I Am Begging Parents To Stop”: Therapist Lists The Absolute Worst Behaviors That Cause Trauma
Interview
Most parents try to do their best when raising children, but certain behaviors—often likely stemming from the way they were raised themselves—can have a serious negative effect on their little ones, even if that was never the intention.
Canada-based trauma therapist Morgan Pommells recently addressed moms and dads out there, asking them to put an end to some of the behaviors they tend to engage in in front of their children. Describing some rather toxic behavior, a series of Pommells’s posts went viral and seemingly touched quite a few people who could relate, as netizens opened up about experiencing it firsthand.
Bored Panda got in touch with Morgan Pommells, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions and delve deeper into how such behavior can affect a child. You will find her thoughts in the text below.
Parents’ behavior tends to have a strong and long-lasting effect on the well-being of their child
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
Trauma therapist Morgan Pommells addressed parents, asking them to stop certain behaviors
Image credits: morganpommells
Image credits: morganpommells
Image credits: morganpommells
Image credits: morganpommells
Image credits: morganpommells
Image credits: morganpommells
Image credits: morganpommells
It’s important not to overlook the toxic behaviors
Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)
“These detrimental behaviors are far more common than we often acknowledge, largely due to outdated parenting approaches that emphasize control and discipline over emotional nurturing and understanding,” Morgan Pommells, MSW, told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
“This trend, a legacy of past generations, favored emotional suppression and ‘tough love,’ unwittingly continuing cycles of emotional immaturity and disconnection. Against this backdrop, it’s essential for survivors of emotionally immature parents to realize the legitimacy of their harm, regardless of its subtlety.”
Pommells continued to explain that these ‘micro-experiences,’ frequently overlooked, can profoundly impact a child’s self-esteem and their overall emotional health. “By calling attention to these specific behaviors, we’re not only highlighting the more blatant forms of abuse but also shedding light on the more insidious, often unnoticed actions that inflict lasting emotional scars.”
The expert suggested that the effort of shedding light on such behaviors is vital, not just for validating survivors who might internalize blame due to the less overt nature of their trauma, but also for alerting parents to the seemingly minor yet potentially harmful behaviors they might unknowingly exhibit.
Coming from a parent, such behavior can significantly affect the child’s self-esteem and nervous system
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Statistics reveal a bitter truth that many people consider their family dysfunctional for one reason or another (according to Forbes, as much as 70%-80% of them do). Toxic parenting and the behaviors mentioned in Pommells’s posts, which often result in quite detrimental outcomes, are likely to be among such reasons.
“These behaviors profoundly affect a child’s developing self-esteem and nervous system. Behaviors like yelling, criticizing, and shaming can trap a child in a perpetual state of traumatic stress. This results in anxiety, persistent rumination, deeply ingrained feelings of inadequacy, and a pervasive sense of never being ‘good enough’,” Pommells pointed out.
“Recognizing and addressing these behaviors is not just about preventing immediate distress; it’s about safeguarding the child’s long-term emotional and psychological well-being.”
Instead of exhibiting toxic behavior, parents should focus on emotional regulation and relationship repair
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
When discussing the behaviors parents should be engaging in when creating a relationship with their children, Morgan Pommells emphasized that there are two fundamental principles for this: emotional regulation and relationship repair.
“For the former, mastering your emotional responses—ensuring you’re not taking your frustration or negative moods out on your child—is essential. This mindfulness prevents inadvertent and disproportionate harm,” she explained.
“For the latter, it’s equally important to embrace relationship repair. Inevitably, parents will cause hurt. The more important factor is your commitment to acknowledging, apologizing, and mending the damage. This process teaches children about accountability, resilience, and it allows them to not internalize everything their parents did to them as their fault.”
Quite a few netizens have seemingly experienced such behavior firsthand
People opened up about their experiences
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Ah, an exact description of my parents. And people still call me a 'red flag' when I say I dont contact them.
Many of those pièces of advice also apply between adults. Putting guilt on someone or telling them to "relax" when you behave like sh*t is a douche move adults can do too.
One good way to stop the cycle is to decide not to have children. I know I’m going to get grief for saying it, but with the number of people deciding not to have kids these days, I do wonder if some of these cycles of violence and cruel behavior might stop, or at least decrease. I guess we’ll be seeing the results in about twenty years or so.
Yes! I mean WTF? Best site ever till that and the "gifts to buy" started up!
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Mine never said thank you. Just a simple thank you would have been so nice. I say it to my grown kids now and not "thank you but" or "thank you and". Just a "thank you for"!
“Thank you”, “I love you”, and “Good job” are three of the most important things you can say to someone else, especially if they’re a child or someone you love.
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My mother did so much of that behavior. She felt very entitled to kick me awake or just turn on the light and start yelling while I was sleeping. I went and stayed at her place to help her with something and she pulled that sh*t on me and I lost my mind. I'm in my 50's and won't stand for that bs anymore. She's been very careful not to wake me when I'm staying with her since. It's bad enough she's still in my childhood home, the place I fled when I was 17. I'm always on edge until I can get the hell out of there.
Also we need to normalize not having children if you will perpetuate the cycle. Even if someone wants kids, if they have done the work to get over their trauma, put a pin in that. This should be standard advice from friends and family just like any other where it's applicable. If anyone shows the above tendencies in friendships or at work, they will be even more so at home.
This is actually a primary reason I chose to not have kids. I don't trust myself to not do to my child what was done to me in the heat of the moment, and I'd rather prevent than try to cure.
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Had a parental figure tell me for the umpteenth time that "No boy would want to date me if.." I think it had to do wit how much make up I had on (to cover my acne) and one time, I got tired of it and said "Well, I'm not dating YOU." That shut him up for a bit.
There are no perfect parents out here. I willing to bet some or maybe every parent has done at least one thing on this list. The key is to recognize this behavior and correct it or learn from it
I have the utmost respect for the people in those comments that recognized those actions in themselves as parents. Not only did they recognize it but the admitted it 'outloud' and are (or will ) change their behavior. That is seriously all that one can ask of a parent that screwed up. My mother refuses to acknowledge her behavior, past and present, so no contact. Unfortunately, I didn't have another parent in the home to keep her from behaving in the manner she did towards me.
Well, dang... my parents did absolutely every single one of these things except the "clean up so the men can watch the game", because they weren't into sports.. it was just 'clean up because you're supposed to. Your brother has more important things to do "
1. Telling your child to stand up for themself, but never against you. 2. Forbidding your child from showing any negative emotions (anger, frustration, irritability) in front of you, even when that child has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and is on meds. 3. Having your older child be a main caregiver for the younger children. 4. Forcing your teenage daughter to wear revealing clothing to show off her figure because it was always the figure you wanted as a teen. 5. Punishing your child for being drowsy all the time and nodding off during the day, even though you know that's a side effect of their antidepressant. 6. Punishing your child for something you THINK they did wrong, even when they didn't AND punishing them twice when they try to explain they didn't do it... so then they grow up just letting people blame them for things they didn't do.
The only thing my parents did was the "life isn't fair thing" but they have been really good thank god. I hope to be better for my little guy.
The "life isn't fair" bs always makes me mad. No, life isn't fair, but your family should be, so that they can be your safe place. (This also goes for crappy husbands/wives who think they're clever when they come up with this one)
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I hate how some of these describe my parents. I hate having to be a therapist for my mom when she acts up so things don't get worse, and if I try doing that with my dad he just gets even madder
As a parent that is guilty of some of this, how should a parent apologize to an adult child for past mistakes without the child taking that as a sign that they didn't turn out "well"? I can see so many things I did wrong, even though I love her more than life, but she has seemed to feel that it means she's a disappointment to me., and that couldn't be further from the truth.
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I know I have made many mistakes as a parent, and there are plenty more that don't even know of, but at least I haven't done any of the stuff on that list.
From a daughter whose mother made a lot of mistakes (some of them on the list above): that she made them is not the reason I went NC and don't miss her at all. It's because she never acknowledged the pain they caused, never admitted any wrongdoing, let alone apologised. Had she said "I'm sorry you had to go through that, I was in a bad spot myself, I should have helped you but I didn't, I'm sorry about that" - it would have been okay. Don't want to speak for everyone, but in general don't worry so much about the mistakes you make, worry about how you act afterwards.
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These were 85% my mom and the remaining 15% my dad. My biggest challenge as a mother myself, is to not enable my kids and figure out ways to discipline them where I don't feel like I've destroyed their hearts or made them feel like they are a burden because I cannot imagine making my children feel the way my mother made me feel. I was just a child. We were just babies and it's insane to think someone could do those things to such innocence and still live with themselves.
If you experienced these as a child, there's a chance that you are copying them in your own relationships, with partner as well as your children. Re-read the list, and ask yourself honestly, how many of these things do you do too? If you are reproducing these behaviours in your own relationships, get therapy, individual therapy and possibly couples or family therapy. Break the cycle.
Who else suddenly stopped in that list and thought "Wait, (parent) actually did that!" And maybe you even thought it was wrong, but this time it's an outside expert confirming it (because you wonder all the time if your parent was bad or if you are an egoistic narcissist who feels hurt from their totally normal behaviour).
Mfw my parents did all of these things lmao. No wonder I'm such a human disaster.
A lot of these issues I dealt with in the foster homes. The social workers conveniently turned a blind eye and acted as if they were ashamed to be seen in public with us kids. Almost all of these traits can be found in foster care. Little wonder that a lot of foster kids deal with depression, anxiety, etc.
I had a friend in high school who had a 2 year old niece. She used to wake her niece up by shaking and yelling at her. I often wonder if the kid turned out to be a serial killer...
If so, it's not a big leap to guess who would be her first victim.
Load More Replies...
We have a system with waking up. The first time hugs and cuddles, "it's time to wake up sweetie". The second time patting "come on honey, I already told you it's time to get up". The third time a pound on the door and a little more sternly "time to get up". 4th Tim's gets sprayed with the spray bottle. Call me mean but if I tried to wake you up nicely two times, and you don't get up then no more being nice. I wait 5-10 minutes in between stages to give them a chance to actually get up.
"Yelling at your kids as soon as you get home." THIS. I still have anxiety whenever my father contacts me because I grew up with this. Which is also why we have essentially gone very low contact. My very first/oldest memory when I had to have been 3 or 4 was when my mom told me my dad was coming back from his tour (he was in the Navy) and I started crying and asking why it couldn't just be me and her. I don't remember what caused me to think that other than the general s**t I was put through my whole life. But it being my very first memory is f*****g sad as hell. Please don't make my experience your kids' experience.
Oh my gosh, that's so sad! Exact opposite experience here, when my dad would come home from sea duty, mom wouldn't tell us, it was always a surprise, and he usually had something special for us ( not much, we were poor) candy bars, pens, one time he threw a handful of pennies for me and my brother to get. And we'd hang on him like little monkeys til he finally had to sit down. It was so happy, and that makes my heart hurt to hear that you had the complete opposite experience. I hope things turned out ok for you, and that you have your own family to love now.
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🎶 happy childhood, loving parents, this is sad, why are yall joking about this, are y’all ok 🎶
Holy s**t this was like reading a bullet point of my childhood. No wonder i can only express my emotions when i'm blackout drunk.
My mom only did one of those, and that was to compare my actions to my father. But it made me realize how stupid and pointless that particular action was, because she knew I didn't particularly like him. I wasn't traumatized by it. At the same time I see other parents play that game with intent to insult the child, so I can see how it can.
I feel pretty good to say I've only done one of these things in the last few years (since I started working on myself). It was part 3#2, I did a lousy job protecting them from verbal abuse from their mother. Occasionally I managed to get it right, sometimes too late. Really difficult situations to deal with at times.
Before 4 years ago, I probably did a few of these things. My particular style of s****y parenting was the neglectful type, which didn't really make it to this list.
Load More Replies... I think it's important to recognize that parents who do all of the above aren't some kind of super parents, they are simply doing what they're supposed to do as parents and what their children have a right to expect. I think it's also important to understand that there is a huge taboo amongst many parents in asking for and accepting help with the worry being that they'll be labelled as bad parents - something that isn't necessarily untrue. Many of the parents that read the points and accept they need to change will need help doing something and some will be ashamed to ask while others will find there's none available or it's too expensive.
So maybe this is my paranoia speaking but sometimes I really get loud at my kids and scream, "mommy needs some time alone, get out the room". Scarring?
I suppose it depends on the child. Some children are more fragile than others, thats for sure. If I were the child I would be scarred for sure because I would have ended up blaming myself and thinking the only reason someone would react that way is if I were a terrible son. My sister, on the other hand, is tough as nails. She wouldn't even flinch. I think the real question is this: are you, as a parent, willing to take the chance? Because they might be fine! But... they might end up like me.
Load More Replies...
Pretty much all those things. They're signs of toxic narcissism, thanks for bringing those to people's attention. I am so fortunate - never once saw my parents fighting, they always treated each other with respect.
Ah, an exact description of my parents. And people still call me a 'red flag' when I say I dont contact them.
Many of those pièces of advice also apply between adults. Putting guilt on someone or telling them to "relax" when you behave like sh*t is a douche move adults can do too.
One good way to stop the cycle is to decide not to have children. I know I’m going to get grief for saying it, but with the number of people deciding not to have kids these days, I do wonder if some of these cycles of violence and cruel behavior might stop, or at least decrease. I guess we’ll be seeing the results in about twenty years or so.
Yes! I mean WTF? Best site ever till that and the "gifts to buy" started up!
Load More Replies... Mine never said thank you. Just a simple thank you would have been so nice. I say it to my grown kids now and not "thank you but" or "thank you and". Just a "thank you for"!
“Thank you”, “I love you”, and “Good job” are three of the most important things you can say to someone else, especially if they’re a child or someone you love.
Load More Replies... My mother did so much of that behavior. She felt very entitled to kick me awake or just turn on the light and start yelling while I was sleeping. I went and stayed at her place to help her with something and she pulled that sh*t on me and I lost my mind. I'm in my 50's and won't stand for that bs anymore. She's been very careful not to wake me when I'm staying with her since. It's bad enough she's still in my childhood home, the place I fled when I was 17. I'm always on edge until I can get the hell out of there.
Also we need to normalize not having children if you will perpetuate the cycle. Even if someone wants kids, if they have done the work to get over their trauma, put a pin in that. This should be standard advice from friends and family just like any other where it's applicable. If anyone shows the above tendencies in friendships or at work, they will be even more so at home.
This is actually a primary reason I chose to not have kids. I don't trust myself to not do to my child what was done to me in the heat of the moment, and I'd rather prevent than try to cure.
Load More Replies... Had a parental figure tell me for the umpteenth time that "No boy would want to date me if.." I think it had to do wit how much make up I had on (to cover my acne) and one time, I got tired of it and said "Well, I'm not dating YOU." That shut him up for a bit.
There are no perfect parents out here. I willing to bet some or maybe every parent has done at least one thing on this list. The key is to recognize this behavior and correct it or learn from it
I have the utmost respect for the people in those comments that recognized those actions in themselves as parents. Not only did they recognize it but the admitted it 'outloud' and are (or will ) change their behavior. That is seriously all that one can ask of a parent that screwed up. My mother refuses to acknowledge her behavior, past and present, so no contact. Unfortunately, I didn't have another parent in the home to keep her from behaving in the manner she did towards me.
Well, dang... my parents did absolutely every single one of these things except the "clean up so the men can watch the game", because they weren't into sports.. it was just 'clean up because you're supposed to. Your brother has more important things to do "
1. Telling your child to stand up for themself, but never against you. 2. Forbidding your child from showing any negative emotions (anger, frustration, irritability) in front of you, even when that child has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and is on meds. 3. Having your older child be a main caregiver for the younger children. 4. Forcing your teenage daughter to wear revealing clothing to show off her figure because it was always the figure you wanted as a teen. 5. Punishing your child for being drowsy all the time and nodding off during the day, even though you know that's a side effect of their antidepressant. 6. Punishing your child for something you THINK they did wrong, even when they didn't AND punishing them twice when they try to explain they didn't do it... so then they grow up just letting people blame them for things they didn't do.
The only thing my parents did was the "life isn't fair thing" but they have been really good thank god. I hope to be better for my little guy.
The "life isn't fair" bs always makes me mad. No, life isn't fair, but your family should be, so that they can be your safe place. (This also goes for crappy husbands/wives who think they're clever when they come up with this one)
Load More Replies... I hate how some of these describe my parents. I hate having to be a therapist for my mom when she acts up so things don't get worse, and if I try doing that with my dad he just gets even madder
As a parent that is guilty of some of this, how should a parent apologize to an adult child for past mistakes without the child taking that as a sign that they didn't turn out "well"? I can see so many things I did wrong, even though I love her more than life, but she has seemed to feel that it means she's a disappointment to me., and that couldn't be further from the truth.
Load More Replies... I know I have made many mistakes as a parent, and there are plenty more that don't even know of, but at least I haven't done any of the stuff on that list.
From a daughter whose mother made a lot of mistakes (some of them on the list above): that she made them is not the reason I went NC and don't miss her at all. It's because she never acknowledged the pain they caused, never admitted any wrongdoing, let alone apologised. Had she said "I'm sorry you had to go through that, I was in a bad spot myself, I should have helped you but I didn't, I'm sorry about that" - it would have been okay. Don't want to speak for everyone, but in general don't worry so much about the mistakes you make, worry about how you act afterwards.
Load More Replies... These were 85% my mom and the remaining 15% my dad. My biggest challenge as a mother myself, is to not enable my kids and figure out ways to discipline them where I don't feel like I've destroyed their hearts or made them feel like they are a burden because I cannot imagine making my children feel the way my mother made me feel. I was just a child. We were just babies and it's insane to think someone could do those things to such innocence and still live with themselves.
If you experienced these as a child, there's a chance that you are copying them in your own relationships, with partner as well as your children. Re-read the list, and ask yourself honestly, how many of these things do you do too? If you are reproducing these behaviours in your own relationships, get therapy, individual therapy and possibly couples or family therapy. Break the cycle.
Who else suddenly stopped in that list and thought "Wait, (parent) actually did that!" And maybe you even thought it was wrong, but this time it's an outside expert confirming it (because you wonder all the time if your parent was bad or if you are an egoistic narcissist who feels hurt from their totally normal behaviour).
Mfw my parents did all of these things lmao. No wonder I'm such a human disaster.
A lot of these issues I dealt with in the foster homes. The social workers conveniently turned a blind eye and acted as if they were ashamed to be seen in public with us kids. Almost all of these traits can be found in foster care. Little wonder that a lot of foster kids deal with depression, anxiety, etc.
I had a friend in high school who had a 2 year old niece. She used to wake her niece up by shaking and yelling at her. I often wonder if the kid turned out to be a serial killer...
If so, it's not a big leap to guess who would be her first victim.
Load More Replies... We have a system with waking up. The first time hugs and cuddles, "it's time to wake up sweetie". The second time patting "come on honey, I already told you it's time to get up". The third time a pound on the door and a little more sternly "time to get up". 4th Tim's gets sprayed with the spray bottle. Call me mean but if I tried to wake you up nicely two times, and you don't get up then no more being nice. I wait 5-10 minutes in between stages to give them a chance to actually get up.
"Yelling at your kids as soon as you get home." THIS. I still have anxiety whenever my father contacts me because I grew up with this. Which is also why we have essentially gone very low contact. My very first/oldest memory when I had to have been 3 or 4 was when my mom told me my dad was coming back from his tour (he was in the Navy) and I started crying and asking why it couldn't just be me and her. I don't remember what caused me to think that other than the general s**t I was put through my whole life. But it being my very first memory is f*****g sad as hell. Please don't make my experience your kids' experience.
Oh my gosh, that's so sad! Exact opposite experience here, when my dad would come home from sea duty, mom wouldn't tell us, it was always a surprise, and he usually had something special for us ( not much, we were poor) candy bars, pens, one time he threw a handful of pennies for me and my brother to get. And we'd hang on him like little monkeys til he finally had to sit down. It was so happy, and that makes my heart hurt to hear that you had the complete opposite experience. I hope things turned out ok for you, and that you have your own family to love now.
Load More Replies... 🎶 happy childhood, loving parents, this is sad, why are yall joking about this, are y’all ok 🎶
Holy s**t this was like reading a bullet point of my childhood. No wonder i can only express my emotions when i'm blackout drunk.
My mom only did one of those, and that was to compare my actions to my father. But it made me realize how stupid and pointless that particular action was, because she knew I didn't particularly like him. I wasn't traumatized by it. At the same time I see other parents play that game with intent to insult the child, so I can see how it can.
I feel pretty good to say I've only done one of these things in the last few years (since I started working on myself). It was part 3#2, I did a lousy job protecting them from verbal abuse from their mother. Occasionally I managed to get it right, sometimes too late. Really difficult situations to deal with at times.
Before 4 years ago, I probably did a few of these things. My particular style of s****y parenting was the neglectful type, which didn't really make it to this list.
Load More Replies... I think it's important to recognize that parents who do all of the above aren't some kind of super parents, they are simply doing what they're supposed to do as parents and what their children have a right to expect. I think it's also important to understand that there is a huge taboo amongst many parents in asking for and accepting help with the worry being that they'll be labelled as bad parents - something that isn't necessarily untrue. Many of the parents that read the points and accept they need to change will need help doing something and some will be ashamed to ask while others will find there's none available or it's too expensive.
So maybe this is my paranoia speaking but sometimes I really get loud at my kids and scream, "mommy needs some time alone, get out the room". Scarring?
I suppose it depends on the child. Some children are more fragile than others, thats for sure. If I were the child I would be scarred for sure because I would have ended up blaming myself and thinking the only reason someone would react that way is if I were a terrible son. My sister, on the other hand, is tough as nails. She wouldn't even flinch. I think the real question is this: are you, as a parent, willing to take the chance? Because they might be fine! But... they might end up like me.
Load More Replies... Pretty much all those things. They're signs of toxic narcissism, thanks for bringing those to people's attention. I am so fortunate - never once saw my parents fighting, they always treated each other with respect.
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