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Problematic Patterns: 30 Examples Of Toxic Femininity People Share
When you hear the word ‘toxic,’ odds are, your mind’s bound to add the word ‘masculinity’ on top. Most of us have heard about toxic masculinity and the issues it poses to men, women, and society as a whole in quite some depth. However, a topic that’s addressed far more rarely is toxic femininity.
The mirror image to toxic masculinity, toxic femininity deals with the perception that some women have about how other women 'should' behave and what makes a ‘real’ woman. Redditors have been going into detail about what exactly constitutes toxic femininity and how some women express it. Have a read through their responses to redditor VysX_’s viral thread and let us know which of these examples you agree and disagree with. Have you noticed any of these in real life? Share your thoughts with all the other Pandas in the comments.
Nancy Doyle, writing for Forbes, explains that she’s seen toxic femininity described in a variety of ways. Including backstabbing, failing to support other women in their success, and also as a potential “tool of the patriarchy to undermine femininity.”
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#1
Women who think other women that enjoy cooking, child rearing, and homemaking are perpetuating stereotyped gender roles enforced by the patriarchy. Tearing other women down because what they enjoy doesn’t fit into the tiny box of what YOUR version of feminism should be is toxic femininity to the max.
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#2
Branding unattractive guys as “creeps” for the same behaviour that attractive guys get away with and even rewarded for.
#3
It’s when a woman assaults a man first and when the man retaliates, the woman acts like she’s the victim saying “you can’t hit a woman”. You hit him first Ma’am. You’re not absolve to any of your wrongdoings just because of your gender
According to Doyle from Forbes, in the workplace, toxic femininity is akin to passive aggression. “It’s when we allow relationships and productivity to suffer because we’re not being honest about our own objectives, or when we are assuming we know best with a ‘caring’ face. It's being a ‘Karen’ and it's not a step forward from patriarchal systems of control. It might not involve yelling, but it’s still manipulating other people,” she explains.
“The answer to centuries of toxic masculinity is not a new era of toxic femininity, it is leadership and membership behaviors and skills that are, frankly, beyond gender and appropriately contextualized.”
#5
“Breast is best” “Women who have C-sections aren’t real mothers” “Real women have curves” “I’m not like other girls” Etc
#6
My ex-husband and I separated when our child was 2. Went to a birthday party for daughter's friend and was having a casual conversation with one of the husbands. The group of women stood in a corner staring at me, and the wife came up and grabbed him by the arm and started doing that strange possessive peacock dance. What were we talking about? Real estate prices.
Doyle notes that communication and honesty can help move past both toxic femininity and masculinity. “Instead of rescuing, ask people what they would like to have happen and give them the tools to do it themselves. Instead of being a victim, state clearly what you would like to have happen and police your own boundaries. And instead of persecuting, check your assumptions and instead notice the pattern or process that needs fixing, not the people.”
Meanwhile, here’s a refresher about toxic femininity’s partner in crime, toxic masculinity. Psychotherapist Silva Neves told me earlier that toxic masculinity is a general attitude perpetuated by systemic misogyny, as well as a set of distorted ideas about what men should be like.
Some of these ideas include not showing vulnerability, striving to always be winners, and not being weak or soft.
#7
Probably the whole “I’m not like other girls” thing. What’s wrong with other girls? You can value yourself without [stepping] on others.
#8
Toxic feminism to me is hating ALL men. Not all men are the same. Those kind of girls make it a point to spread that hate and make it a big movement. I understand everyone has had their experiences with men who have hurt them, but to spread such hate and make it their personality?? Not cool.
“Men with toxic masculinity usually have negative views towards women's rights (including their rights to the freedom of their own sexuality) and they tend to be homophobic,” Silva told Bored Panda.
“A man with healthy masculinity is the opposite to these traits: someone who is self-reflective, embraces their emotions including sadness, anxiety and crying, a man who isn't afraid of their own femininity and believes that women are equal, and therefore are very clear about respecting boundaries and consent with women,” the expert continued.
According to Silva, healthy masculinity means that an individual “embraces gender, [intimacy], and relationship diversities including gay men and transgender people. Someone who is comfortable with their opinions to be challenged and able to have debates.”
#11
When we s**t all over men and boys, while calling it "Modern Feminism". We don't have to deconstruct and destroy everything masculine just for women to be equal. That is literally the opposite of equality and should be offensive to everyone.
#12
Being pressured to have children. Women can be incredibly toxic when they find out that someone made a different choice regarding procreation. Personally I think mothers that hate on childless women regret their choice to have children and lash out at those they secretly envy for their (perceived) freedom.
#13
Some women are so judgemental about other women, particularly when it comes to looks or fashion. Also the women who seem to enjoy forming cliques and cutting out anyone they deem to be an outsider. Worked with an office full of them once. It really sucked!
#14
Harassing/Calling police on fathers(or other legit male caregivers) minding their own business bringing their kids to a public park.
#15
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" Sorry - that's not how life works.
#16
Probably the culture around eating. When I was 17-18, a few friends kept saying how much more attractive I’d be if I lost weight, how that’s why most guys weren’t into me, how I’d regret not being skinny in college, etc. My BMI was slightly under 25, so I wasn’t overweight, but I was close to it, especially compared to them. So I basically became anorexic from 18-20 just because the feedback was like a high. I recovered, but not enough to make my mom and others happy, even though my BMI was 22-23. This continued for years between friends and family, and it was exhausting cycling between being too skinny or not average enough. That’s really the only strong example I can think of. No matter the trendy body shape, the criticism from others will always continue. I’ve only had one guy ever comment on my weight compared to the many, many women, even strangers
#17
A girl in the grade below me (I’m a senior in high school at this point) passed away unexpectedly due to sepsis. Our whole city was in shock as the girl was in the school just days before her passing. I remember I met up with my gf at the time & she asked, “Why do so many people care about her dying? It’s not like she was pretty anyways.” This was the type of girl that says, “What??!! I am SOOO nice.” Safe to say, the lord blessed me with a brain and I [what the heck]’D that relationship. To this day, she is still in contact with me & recently she complained that guys use her & she can’t figure out why nobody will be with her. Well honey, I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
#18
Putting other women down for liking girly things and not wanting to be CEOs etc. Ages ago a woman I knew commented on an news article about women who love to wear mermaid tails and go swimming with it. She said women should aim to be CEOs and not mermaids. I happened to have one of those tails and love mermaids. I’m 37 now and still do! Doesn’t mean I am stupid or aim low. I don’t want to be a CEO, it’s not who I am.
#19
The divorce playbook. First you kick your husband out of his own house. Then you go to a judge and claim that you are afraid of you spouse and get a PFA. Then you go to family court as the poor helpless woman and take every dime he has then s**t talk him to his own kids. Mine was more amicable than that but I have seen it happen to more than one guy.
#20
The kind of lady that believes a man needs to be a provider is toxic. Also women that look down on men that are shorter than them are toxic [very].
#21
Being shamed for natural functions. I know men do it too (to an extent) but women are more likely, I feel, to judge body hair, wrinkles, grey hairs, etc.
#22
As a woman, I have absolutely zero respect for women who use their femininity to get men to do their job for them. The "oh no! I don't know how to do this, can you do it for me" women I have seen at work are pathetic. Even more pathetic are the men who think stepping in and doing a simple task for a lazy female coworker will actually get them anywhere.
#23
I'm a lesbian and I've had plenty of straight women react to this with complete puzzlement. Have I ever TRIED having a boyfriend? Who fixes things around my apartment when they break? Who kills bugs? You know, there ARE good guys out there...
#24
I’ve got a quote from an ex. “My girlfriend Sandra got a 2 carat diamond ring if I don’t get at least a 4 carat ring I’m literally going to die.”
#25
Double standards in dating. I hear this a lot personally with my mother, But if her boyfriend goes somewhere without telling her she freaks out and throws a tantrum (yes, literally). Yet if he asks anything about her then he's a j*** trying to control her and cheating. Funnily enough, my mother has been exposed for cheating twice now. Along with her f*** s**t friend.
#26
The sheer terrifying glee they have at tearing down someone who's made a mistake or is somehow lacking in their eyes. I worked at a doctor's office with a fifty person staff, forty five of which were women. Like they were so fake and catty and just outright hateful to each other. It was a toxic office culture.
#27
Being a “bad b***h”. You’re just being an a-hole. Idk if there’s a moniker like that for guys but guys do it too, labeling yourself doesn’t excuse being a j***
#29
Body-shaming, whether overweight or underweight. I had an old classmate who called me anorexic for a year straight, anytime I tried to stand up for myself I was the bad guy because ‘she just wants to be as thin as you’. I was 21kg at twelve and her calling me anorexic killed.
#30
Destroying personal property "Cause he done did me wrong!!!" and thinking they are going to get away with it, "women's intuition", and pretty much every custody case ever.
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