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“Love Alone Isn’t A Good Reason”: 54 Things Everyone Should Know Before Getting Married
Marriage is a huge step. Before you walk down the aisle on your Big Day, it only makes sense that you’re as certain as possible that you’re committing to your soulmate with bright green flags, not someone with tons of hidden red flags. You don’t want to feel as though you married a toxic stranger.
Our team has collected some of the best advice from all over the internet about all the things that you should know before you even consider marrying someone, and it is eye-opening. Keep scrolling to read their pearls of wisdom.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Respect is more important than love in a marriage.
People can fall out of love but they can still be together and they can fall back in again
But once respect is lost,your marriage is just a corpse which you are dragging while trying to ignore the smell .
StrangeOne 3 hours ago
Love is a complex feeling that is a blanket term for all the little nuances that makes someone who we want to spend much of our time with. Respect being one of those factors. The wave of love ebbs and flows as you get to know each other's annoying habits and it can take time to get used to each other's many changes as you go through life and change.
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#2
If you fight loudly with your partner, it's not normal don't get married.
If your partner makes you feel bad often, don't get married.
If you make your partner mad or feel bad often, don't get married.
Love alone isn't a good reason to get married.
If you can't tell your partner absolutely anything without fear or worry, don't get married.
If you hide things from your partner or visa versa, don't get married.
Etc.
Beak Hookage 1 hour ago
My horrible neighbour needs to hear this. Months on end of mutual screaming and breaking things and it ended with the husband getting his a$$ kicked by the guy she was cheating on him with. Guess what now she's with the affair partner... and last night I heard them screaming at each other. For the sake of my sanity if nothing else, STAY SINGLE.
#3
The infatuation stage will wane for both you and your partner at some point. Once that happens, marriage is about doing the work and being committed to your partner. There will be times where one or both of you are tested in ways that neither expect.
We all want positive and healthy relationships. But that requires knowing which people to invest your time and energy, and who is not worth the trouble. In short, you need to be able to recognize people’s green and red flags. To be clear, nobody is ‘perfect,’ and everyone has strengths and weaknesses. But you need to be honest with yourself about what qualities you’re looking for and what behaviors push you away.
Some of the biggest green flags that indicate that someone is likely a great match for you are if they trust you, maintain boundaries, communicate well, actually enjoy spending time with you, and are grateful for you, Verywell Mind emphasizes.
Naturally, you have to match their energy and have similar positive qualities—you can’t just pile all the hard relationship work only on their shoulders.
#4
Make sure you genuinely like talking to her and just being with her. She should be your best friend. If you got that there isn't anything else to know.
#5
Are you getting married because you’re comfortable and you don’t want to start over? Or are you getting married because you cannot imagine living the rest of your life without this person?
I was engaged to someone else before I met my wife. I didn’t realize I was just going along with the motions until I met my wife. My ex fiancée was great and our families got along very well… She was always talking about marriage being the next step so I went with it.
The breakup was hard for all of us. But Im glad I didn’t settle. No one should.
#6
Do not give up your financial independence, ever! This is such an important one, there are girls who dream of the day they can be SAHM and not have to deal with work and mean bosses. They become totally dependent on their husbands income, losing their own.
Then if anything goes wrong, they do not have the means to leave, so they become stuck in a relationship they no longer want to be in.
Oh the men love that, they can be lazy and mean, knowing you cant leave.
Yeah, dont be like me, keep your career, remain independent.
Boundaries are especially vital.
“Boundaries help define who you are, determine what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable to you, and teach other people how to treat you. Communicating boundaries, needs, and desires with courage and clarity in a relationship and respecting the boundaries of others and your own is a green flag in relationships,” psychotherapist and coach Ivy Kwong, LMFT, told Verywell Mind.
Meanwhile, Marriage.com stresses that some of the most important traits to look for in a potential marriage partner include good communication, respect for you, faithfulness, forgiveness, and the same values and beliefs.
“Having conversations about each other’s values and beliefs is crucial before saying ‘I do.’ While love calls for compromise at times, you don’t want to go into a relationship with someone who does not share the same beliefs and values in life. Marriage can be challenging, and having something you believe in and value can keep you grounded. [...] While you may not always agree, you need to respect each other’s values and beliefs before committing to spending your lives together.”
#7
You can never, ever fully know a person. Don’t ever feel that something is impossible because you think you know your partner too well.
#8
If you wouldn't pick them to be your non-romantic roommate (sloppy, dirty, lazy, inconsiderate, selfish, etc.), don't make them your life partner. Like if
they always throw their socks on the floor, leave the dishes overnight and say "you didn't tell me you needed help, if you tell me, I'll do it" nothing will change after marriage. Find someone who actually shares life's burdens and makes them easier for you.
Too many of my friends have married adult children that don't make their lives easier, but harder.
How they manage conflict now is how they will manage it later.
Don't just choose the trauma/weakness you grew up with and are most comfortable with - and don't go the opposite and go too far the other direction.
Also...if you're a woman and in a heterosexual relationship, really reflect on your upbringing. So many of us are socialized to be used by men as they "can't do things we can" - which leaves us saddled with mental labour, child rearing, household management, a total unequal load because that's how we were raised and how our parents were.
Women no longer NEED husbands to survive in society. We work, we earn, we have our own lives that have value. We can get a credit card in our own name these days. There is zero reason for you to be caring for an adult male in 2026. .
#9
Don’t allow outside influence into your marriage. People have a habit of trying to interfere or make you do things. So long as you and your partner are on the same page, no one else’s opinion matters. .
What advice would you give anyone who is considering marriage? What should they consider before they take the big step and commit to someone at the altar?
What are some of the biggest relationship red flags that you’ve unfortunately had to deal with? On the flip side, what are the green flags that you value the most in your significant other?
Let us know.
#10
Do what you can to find/maintain your own identity. What that looks like will change in seasons of life, but always carve out some time for it. Go on a hike, read books, play video games, make time for friends, whatever the heck it is that makes you feel most you needs to always be made a priority. It’ll make everything else fall in to place.
#11
Think about what the traditional marriage vow "for better or for worse" really means.
Consider the case of Christopher Reeve (actor who played Superman in movies in 1970s and 80s) and his wife Dana Reeve. He had an accident in 1995 that left him paralyzed from the neck down.
Do you love someone so much that, if they were paralyzed from the neck down, and would remain so for the rest of their life, you would stay married and continue to support them?
Do you TRUST someone so much that, if YOU became paralyzed from the neck down, and would remain so for the rest of your life, you believe they would remain and support you?
Admittedly, that's a pretty unlikely scenario. But it is plausible (it happened to them after all). Thankfully, it's rare that such an extreme test of commitment comes into play.
Even if life (mercifully) doesn't throw that particular test at you, life WILL throw challenges and trials at you both. Life and experience change people over time. As the years pass, neither of you will remain exactly the same people that you were when you first got married. It helps if you try to go through your changes together (this doesn't mean you both change in exactly the same way - just that your changes and their changes still "work" for each other in the marriage).
If you can imagine your loved one going through an extreme trial (suffering chemo through a rough cancer battle, or learning your child has a serious medical condition and likely won't make it to adulthood, maybe she is emotionally traumatized after a miscarriage) and ask yourself if you can be strong enough to support them through it. Imagine yourself undergoing such a trial, and ask yourself if you trust them to have your back.
Because if you can handle those kinds of trials, you can handle all the other stuff.
If your response to such trials is to get out as soon as you can, marriage is not for you.
#12
If you think about the most annoying habit your spouse has and you don’t absolutely loose your mind over it, you’ll be fine. Just respect each other, the little things matter.
#13
Getting married to someone means agreeing to a lifetime of conflict resolution with that person. How do you handle arguments? Do they get angry and start yelling? Do you push down the problems to keep the peace? Do you say hurtful things to each other?
Take stock of how you guys argue, because that doesn’t change once you’re married. At least not without therapy, some serious soul searching, and hard work.
Marriage is beautiful and wonderful and amazing, and you should absolutely celebrate the joy of being in love with your best friend! But there *will* be tough times and you should be certain that you can handle them at their worst, and they you.
#14
If you marry someone who surprises you with lovely efforts and treats you well, put in the work to match their energy. Remember their likes and dislikes. Bring them flowers. If they mention something they’re pining for, gift it to them for no reason. If they mention a day trip they want to take, take a Saturday to surprise them with a whole day planned out. Make their favorite meal on a weeknight. Anything you CAN do, seize the chance. The small gestures add up to a beautiful life together.
#15
-Whether your partner wants to have kids
-How you and partner plan to handle finances
That's two, but it's insane how many people get married without discussing these fundamental things that will affect your entire life and marriage.
#16
If you have a concept of "that's women's work" for chores, changing diapers, etc., go take it out back, shoot it, burn it, bury it, put a landmine over it, and *nevereverever* dig it up again. Just do the work.
You will be head and shoulders over plenty of husbands your wife's friends have and your wife will be so glad she's landed herself "a good one" for doing what is frankly the bare minimum.
If you *don't*, you're going to wonder why your wife hates your guts.
Also, communication good, dumdum.
astheshadowsfall 2 hours ago
My grandfather bragged about never changing a diaper. My father never boasted, but I know he was "traditional" enough that it was the wife's job. I am a male nurse, I have been elbow deep in p**p since I started having kids through the present, when I am wrestling 90 year old, full codes, demented grandmas. The macho, "never dealt with p**p" is so humorous to me. Can't handle a little smell and a little squish old man?!.
#17
Pre-marriage counseling is very good. The counselor will address the issues that should be discussed to determine compatibility. Do this.
Take personality tests like Myers-Briggs and Strength Finder. These are not perfect, but 5 help articulate how each person operates and initiate discussion topics.
- Religious beliefs should be aligned, including how you will introduce your children to faith or the lack thereof.
- You marry into a family. You need to understand the dynamics. This will also provide insight into the environment your potential spouse was raised in.
- Children. This is a huge topic. Do you want them, how many, parenting styles, etc.
- Intimacy compatibility. Many people are very unhappy with mismatched libidos. You need to be together long enough for the honeymoon phase to wear off- this stage is deceptive. It is a terrible place to be with someone you love and care for but cannot have consistent intimacy.
- Finances, careers, and retirement. Spending and saving differences are regular issues.
- How do you spend your free time? Together or separate? Relaxing or active? Planned or go-with-the-flow?
These are a few areas, but counseling can guide you far better.
Oh, and you can have a prenup that the government controls and can change whenever, or you can create your own.
#19
Before you marry someone, ask yourself, can I be stuck in an airport with this person for 12 hours and still enjoy their company?
Because life isn’t always romantic dinners and vacations, it's lost luggage, flat tires, bills, dishes, stress, and long days.
Marry someone who makes even the boring parts of life feel okay. Bonus points if they know your coffee order and how to make you laugh when you're mad.
#20
Marriage should never be looked at as man vs wife. It should always be us against the world. You should be looking to "get one over" on your wife, or trick her or any of that.
Your marriage should be a space that is comfortable. Spending time with my wife is a stress reliever.
There are too many other problems we need to overcome. It is so much easier to do it together than fight each other.
#21
Is your partner a lizard or a penguin. Mine is of the lizard variety that enjoys a space heater year round.
#22
Talk about EVERYTHING. Don't assume you're on the same page about the future, finances, kids, etc. Talk talk talk!
#23
Are you going to be good roommates? My wife is, amongst other things, the best roommate I've ever had.
So like when you are going to live with someone forever, love and passion, and attraction and communication are important but also if like... you're really neat and she's a slob or he never takes out the trash or you hate the way the other person puts dishes in the dishwasher, there are going to be problems. Some of that stuff can be overcome with dialogue and willingness to change but if someone has something that's going to make them fundamentally difficult to deal with you might not want to marry them.
#24
Pets. Is one of you a dog person and one a cat person? Does one not like any pets at all? If your pet has been allowed to get on furniture for years, does the SO expect them to stop? If your pet has been an indoor pet for years, does the SO expect them to stay outside now?
(Personally, though, I never would have married someone who expected me to suddenly kick my fur-baby off the furniture or put them outside.).
#25
Marry a man who you want your son's to become and your daughters to date. Because your sons will likely grow up just like him and your daughters will find men similar to him.
#26
When you marry the man, you marry the family. My mom told me this when I got engaged and I rolled my eyes. Now my mother in law calls me to make plans with HER son.
#27
Women are not perfect.
I don't want to turn this into some misogynistic anti woman rant, but there is absolutely an implied element to our culture, especially in marriage, that if there's a problem in a relationship it's probably the guy.
We are all *human*.
Which means both partners have problems they bring to the relationship.
It's ok to tell your partner they are doing something that is bad/hurtful/damaging to your relationship.
I know too many married men that just roll over on toxic female behavior.
#28
Know their goals for marriage. Don't go waiting until you sign to determine big decisions. Not everything has to be pre-determined, but certainly big ticket items. Do you want to move away? Do you want kids? Are you comfortable with risky career changes? Are you comfortable with me taking my parent(s) in for end of life care?
#29
If you have problems setting boundaries, fix that first.
Learn to speak your expectations out loud and set the same standard for your partner.
Don't hold on to resentment.
#30
Someone who’s parents had a s****y relationship will be a lot of work since the will subconsciously do the same things to you.
#31
Beauty is temporary. While attraction is important initially, the grass is always greener. Marry your best friend, it will make life much more enjoyable. You still have to stand the person in 50 years.
Relationships take effort and rely heavily on trust. Don’t get too op comfortable, keep working on that relationship. The dating never stops, or the marriage will too.
You are a team. It is both of you vs the problem. Work together to solve it.
#32
Whether the both of you are actually compatible.
If one person wants to talk theories and the other wants to fold laundry, then resentment should not creep in because one believes their own love language is superior to the other's. Find your person.
And think twice before bringing a child into this dynamic. Adopt a pet first. See if it works out. Don't rush just because society tells you.
#33
Marriage is not finding your better half, your other half, or any kind of half. It is a conscious decision for you to invite someone else to share your journey of life which gets only increasingly more challenging. Sometimes they support you exactly the way you need or want them to. Most times, they don't. Sometimes you can't even support yourself, let alone support them.
Marriage does not mean "if you love me, you would" anything. Anyone who thinks that marriage is a be-all-end-all happy ending is set for a rude awakening.
#34
Don’t marry someone just for the sake of having a wedding. The wedding is one day, the marriage is a lifetime commitment. I see so many people focus on the wedding and the marriage falls apart.
#35
The problems in your marriage should come from external sources and it should be you as a team against these problems. As soon as the problem comes from your fiancés attitude and actions you have real problems and should reconsider.
Even the most wonderful and sweet people change overtime and crazy things happen. You can't prepare for everything, but having a seperate account, your own income and ideally premarital assets will keep you coming out on top always. .
#36
The things that you overlook now, will probably come back to haunt you later. They can only be ignored or brushed off for so long.
Most of the issues I had w my ex of 10 years are the same that ended us. (flirty w other women, video game obsession, wack intimate life, not being an actual partner and be perfectly fine with me doing everything, etc…).
#37
Learn to drive! If you ever need to leave you won't need to wait for a taxi or a friend. You can get yourself out of there.
#38
Career plans. And who's career you will prioritise if necessary.
If you're both not long out of college and just starting your careers, what if your partner gets a dream job interstate, while you're working a job you like already? What if one of you is in the military, and has to move to where there aren't any jobs for the other? And if you have kids, who's taking the time out of their career?
#39
Things will come up after marriage you could have never anticipated too, a prep conversation wont just solve all your problems after, but you should already know your future spouse well enough in these areas to get a good sense of how they'd be. I definitely wouldn't dump all these questions at once either.
#41
Take your time finding the right person, don’t let societal pressure make you feel like you’re running out of time or needing to escape loneliness. The wrong person will do more than take away years of your life that you could have spent with someone who loves you just as much as you love them. On the flip side, if you’re not serious about someone, don’t waste their time. Men have feelings too.
#42
Your dreams and careers are just as important as his. If that means focusing on yourself and your body, then it is what it is. Don’t force yourself to become a mother. Saying No is still a full sentence even with a wedding band on. No means no.
#43
Sometimes when your spouse says something that you don't agree with in anger or annoyance, rather than engaging them at that moment, address it with them at a later time, when you are out of the moment and both have cooler heads. It is much better received at that point.
#44
Make sure you can communicate while stakes are small, adding kids and other stresses just makes working as a team harder if you can't communicate.
#45
**Silly One.** Get a really good & reliable pair of sandals, flip flops or water shoes. No, for real, get a good pair of some quick and easy footwear that is either great for the beach or summer, or just quickly popping outside for the trash cans or something. Your spouse is probably going to want to see you in more than just your work boots, plus it will be a life-saver on efficiency for all those random little silly requests to run out and check the mail, grab a package off the porch, grab something out of the car, etc.
**Respectful One.** Stubbornness is your enemy. Any stubbornness that is not centered around being caring for your loved ones. I can't be clear enough, I do not even just mean avoid stubbornness directed at your partner, because there are a variety of flavors that still will bite you in the back. Stubbornness with your personal health? terrible. Stubbornness with asking for help? atrocious. Stubbornness with people out in public? not gonna be a winning strategy. Married life compounds in a lot of different directions for both of you, and the more stubborn you are in your life, the less happiness it can lead to for both you and your partner. Just gotta work on letting it go. Go to therapy.
**Serious One.** If you haven't had some conversation and understanding on having kids, what are you even doing? I do not even remotely understand couples that wait until after marriage to discuss this, given how insurmountable a life decision this is, and how integral to a person's identity it can be, in terms of desires. Tangentially, be on the same page regarding each other's relationships with their own, and your own extended family too. Familial conversations are just a massive "Must Have", to make sure a person can fully relate and commit to their partner in marriage
**Mundane One.** Get comfortable with understanding that you will likely both have some completely different priority ranking for the somewhat mundane routines that are needed. This one is simple, but some guys are "Guys", and cannot process. Not everything you think is important and urgent will be, or will be scene the same way by your partner at all times. And you gotta be patient and open when they have mental priorities that go counter to your own evaluations too. Not everyone cares about getting the laundry folded with the same expedience. Not everyone thinks about the maintenance work needed routinely in the attic or basement, or one the lawn. just remember that you WILL have different mentally assigned priorities on these things, and as long as you both either communicate or trust in the other one's process, that is key.
**Economic One.** Discuss your finances. Don't care what it looks like, or what the result is. Prenup, joint accounts, debts, wills, whatever have you. Just have had discussed it and come to an understanding, there is no right answer to what that understanding is, only so long as you both come to it. Don't listen to anyone that speaks in absolutes regarding how you and a spouse MUST conduct your finances. Not every relationship needs those same exact fiscal bonds and requirements. What IS crucial is that you at least are OPEN and on the same page about each other's finances. It is healthy to have at least a rough idea about each other's debts and savings, especially if you are even remotely middle class or lower. Prenups don't HAVE TO BE for everyone, and neither do joint accounts. But Marriage is aa legal contract, and that comes with fiscal liability. No person should be getting hitched if they do not understand the legal/fiscal implications of that decision.
#46
It’s harder to stay married than get married.
It’s like a fire. It’s work to get it started, but in a marriage you have to kindle this fire for life or it WILL go out.
#47
Check their credit history. It isn't fun realizing you can't get a house because of their poor credit.
#49
Don't let him control you or your social life. Don't cut off your friends. Don't let him control who you are friends with and who you're not friends with.
#51
Which side of the bed they like to sleep on. If you both like to sleep on the same side of the bed, you better get bunk beds.
#52
If they're a psycho or not. A lot of peoples true colors come out once they are married and "in control".
#54
If you have to beg for a proposal you will be begging for everything for the rest of your life. If you are fighting or feel unloved or unseen or misunderstood before you’re married, that will not change. If you are at all unsure or have even a subconscious inkling you’re making the wrong decision….YOU ARE! Do not let the sunk cost fallacy control your life, because with the right person it is so much easier and better than you can imagine.
Everyone says marriage is so hard, there’s all this horrible compromising, can’t be themselves and eat or do or watch what they want with their spouse, see friends or do hobbies, they constantly trash each other to friends, the list goes on. I always wonder why they married each other.
I was very used to living alone but my spouse is my spouse bc I can be my gremlin house-self with them without worry, just like I can spend time getting ready without being rushed or made fun of.
They know my weird eating habits and don’t expect me to be doing all the chores or cooking all their meals. We’re two independent adults who prefer to live our lives together! We make each other’s lives EASIER not harder!
We encourage each other to take time to do our hobbies and go out solo with friends or our original friend groups even though we all get along great, because we all know proper catch-ups are more likely to happen one on one and so we don’t always join the other so they can get quality time. We both have very dear old friends of the opposite sex and there’s never been any jealousy and we encourage spending time with them as well.
People talk about compromise like it’s a bad thing but it isn’t even a bad thing if it’s with the right person! If anything it’s broadened my horizons and helped me grow. For things like sleeping habits we just worked together to find solutions that fit us both! Neither wins, neither loses. WE win.
Even on the worst days when one of us is in a bad mood or something awful has happened or we’ve done something stupid or something negatively impacts us, it’s still us against the problem, even if only one of us created that problem.
We have had some very tough life things, health wise, employment and financial wise, loved ones being ill, tough family issues and dynamics, mental health problems, the list goes on. But there has yet to be a hard day or moment or tough conversation or meltdown that didn’t end with smiles and cuddles and laughter.
We’ve had serious and tough conversations but that’s what they were, just conversations. We’ve never shouted or raised our voice or called each other names. I have never once felt the need or desire to vent about my spouse to anyone, ever, and I know they’re the same.
I never knew any of this could be possible, until my mid-30s but it was what I was waiting for and it was worth the wait because it is now my reality!
Life is hard, but our marriage and life together is the easiest part.
We apologize when we should and we both put the other’s comfort before our own. This means we’re actually both always comfortable. It’s like offering your last bite or the bigger piece because even though you love it, you know your spouse loves it more than you. And then when you’re both eating something they know you love more, they’ll insist you get the last one. Imagine that, but it’s your whole life.
None of this feels like effort at all. Life is so much easier and more fun together, even though we were both doing just fine on our own.
We LOVE each other but I think even more importantly we LIKE each other. We want to be around each other because it makes us feel at home.
What do you think ?
V 27 minutes ago
To reiterate what someone else commented- remember a wedding is just one day, the marriage is much more important. If everything about your wedding upsets you then that's not a good start to a marriage. Whether it's because you are marrying the wrong person, or for the wrong reasons, or whatever.
V 27 minutes ago
To reiterate what someone else commented- remember a wedding is just one day, the marriage is much more important. If everything about your wedding upsets you then that's not a good start to a marriage. Whether it's because you are marrying the wrong person, or for the wrong reasons, or whatever.
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