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Educational Professional Shares Her Insights About Why Some Men Don’t Want To Pay Child Support And Many People On Twitter Believe It Makes Sense
Fortunately, those days when women couldn’t divorce their husbands are now over and they don’t even need to marry a person to live with them or have children with them. But it gets a little bit more complicated if you do have children, because previously the financial burden was halved, and in case of a separation, one of the parents has to pay child support.
The U.S. Census Bureau says that in 85 percent of cases, men pay child support and it is widely known that they are not always happy to do that even though the child is theirs. Twitter user Nsafoa’s Lost Key may have a theory why that is.
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A Twitter user shared her thoughts on why so many fathers don’t pay child support and she theorizes it is because they don’t feel in control anymore
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The Twitter user thinks that it has to do less with money and more with the psychology of a man who wants to be in control but now that the child is not living with them and they don’t have control over their family, they have less interest in providing for them.
Nsafoa’s Lost Key argues that after creating a new family, men gladly support them financially and thinks that this is proof that money is not the issue.
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She argues that men still pay for new families although they’re not their children
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What is more, the woman claims that men don’t want to file for custody either because the issue isn’t lack of money
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To counter the arguments that men don’t want to pay for children they are no longer living with and raising, the Twitter user gives an example of men getting flustered when asked why they don’t file for custody.
She theorizes that they don’t consider fighting for custody because they don’t need to be involved in the child’s life. The problem lies deeper in the desire to be the one in charge.
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People in the comments were discussing whether the theory has grounds and tried to draw parallels with their own experiences
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Many women in the comments agreed and gave examples from their own lives how their ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends acted as if paying them child support meant that the women owed them something.
And there are actual studies done on why men refuse to financially support children that they know are theirs and there is no conclusion as the reasons often are complex.
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There were a lot of people who agreed that the stereotype of the ‘manly man’ who needs to be in power is true and leads to them not taking responsibility
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Fathers not wanting to pay for their children may be attributed to the fact that they know they won’t see their children as often and they don’t want to invest into that relationship. Or maybe the problem is the courts not enforcing child support payments on men. Of course, men’s financial situation is also a factor, especially if they move on to another family and have to provide for basically two families.
Another reason that surfaced among the thread’s comments was that men are not willing to pay child support because they suspect that the money they give the mom doesn’t always go to help to raise the child and is used for the mothers themselves.
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An article published in The New York Times in 1983 says that a common response why men don’t want to pay child support is that when they get divorced, they “They create a new fantasy of themselves because of the fear of getting old. And the denial may extend to the children.” Basically, the children become a reminder that they are getting old and a sign of the end of a carefree life, but with a new family, they can forget that their children exist.
Another psychological reason that is discussed is that maybe it’s a response to childhood trauma when the men were abandoned by their own fathers.
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But there were also opinions that the theory is a reach and just an excuse to pile dirt on men
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Obviously there are fathers who gladly pay for their children and understand that they are as responsible for them as the mother who has the full custody.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Office of Child Support Enforcement reported that in 2017, $33 billion was paid for more than 15 million children, or one in five. That means $10 billion is not collected, and maybe one of the reasons why could be the loss of control like Nsafoa’s Lost Key theorizes.
What do you think of this theory? Have you ever thought about this yourself or even experienced it? Leave your own theories in the comments!
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Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I've never met a man who ditched his child support payments for any reason but these 1. He suffers addiction and the drugs got his money 2. He's jobless 3. he's punishing the ex for the split 4. he wants the money for himself b/c why should he pay for a kid he spawned but isn't raising 5. he just wants to walk away from the whole thing and forget the kid exists at all, b/c it's easier for him to find a new relationship/life that way. And all of these came from just my dad's brothers. And one cousin. So.... It varies person to person. And women can be horrible to kids, and skip child supoprt, too, if the father is the primary custodian. TLDR: People can suck.
Sergio Bicerra 4 years ago
I've heard another one: he doesn't realize how much raising a kid costs, so assumes the mom is using the money for herself
Load More Replies...
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago (edited)
I'm sorry but control goes both ways. Can't count how many times I have heard and read about women using their kids as p**n chips during seperation/divorce. Even to the point of lying about things such as abuse. Yes there are dead beat dads that don't pay or resist paying child support but I have heard many cases where some men withhold child support coz the mother is being spiteful and withholding the child. Another thing is that sometimes the child support is too much, especially when it comes to shared custody. I had a friend that had to pay 1/3 of his wage for child support but also had to pay extra whilst they were in his care. He adores his kids and spoils them rotten. The mother on the other hand takes advantage and always asks for extra money for something or rather, and he will just do it wether he can afford it or not.
Suz66 4 years ago
It's true, there's a lot of men who do pay child support. This article seems to generalize men in general as deadbeat dad's.
Load More Replies...
Claire O'Connor 4 years ago
Long term married with no kids, so no dog in this race. I think the system is wrong. After splitting a relationship with children: then the child support should be paid by the state, and the parent responsible for paying child support should have to pay that money to the state. That would ensure more child support got paid (harder to default the state than your ex partner), and also remove the drama of money being a factor in the co parents lives. Then the co parents could have conversations about the children and how they choose to parent instead of having to ask where is my money. And d also then the parent with the responsibility for the child/children knows that the money will be there every month and can rely on it, make a budget.
Tenacious Squirrel 4 years ago
I feel that creates a lot more burden on the government and tax payers to fund peoples choice to have kids (on top of the funds already given to/required by parents and children). There will be plenty of parents who default on the payment to the state/government and plenty more money spent on chasing it up, taking them to court, etc. Two people create a child and need to be responsible for the effects of their decisions. If they can’t resolve it, the state steps in - this is how it already works and I think it’s appropriate. I don’t think it’s the government’s problem from the get go to sort out decisions made by two adults.
Load More Replies...
Biba Little 4 years ago
It honestly depends on what kind of people they are. In my case, my ex husband didn't want to pay me child support because he said he would not have "control over that money", and I could "spend it on me". Problem is, I am totally not that kind of person, never cared about money, brands, stuff and I was sad to realize how much he didn't even know me. I let that slide, never got any alimony and after 20 years taking care of child without any child support he STILL thinks I am the one who is "obsessed with money". I really don't care, I have a job and I can pay bills but it saddens me that society is teaching men (also many Hollywood series) that women just care about money and they will spend child support like on new car or something. Many men hate women based just on those stupid prejudices.
Rusty 3 years ago
I would say today it is people dislike system abuse. I am a man, but the way people presume you would think I was the woman. I was the house-husband in our marriage, the wife was the career woman who brought home the money. One day she decided she was unhappy and left me and the kids. I would learn over the next 1000+ days of litigation that she had an affair, and they now live together. She never paid child support or spousal support. If my family had not stepped in to help the kids and I would have ended up homeless. I went back to school while being a single parent to 2 under 2-year-olds. Mom came back about a year later to file for 50/50. The court blindly granted it. In practice, the kids are with me up to 60% of the time. At times more. I pay all their bills with my new job. And the state requires me to pay "mom" child support. Is was sad, but that was what it was all about, mom wanted to make sure she would not pay any. I let it go when she abandoned us.
Load More Replies... lenka 4 years ago
I work in family law and yes, control is one of the predominate reasons men don't pay child support, but its not the only reason, and often there is a sort of evolution. Often early in the split they just want to punish their ex. They use child support and other means to financially manipulate and punish. Then they evolve to control - I will only pay if I get the visitation I want. I pay therefore I get to dictate how the money is spent, which school the kids go to, what activities they do and brand of clothes they wear (yes, these are things we encounter in family law). If control works, they stick with it. If it fails they often abandon/neglect the kids. They cant control them so they withhold love and affection and blame the mother for their lack of relationship with the kids. I've represented both fathers and mothers and this process, generally speaking, is quite common.
Hugo Raible 4 years ago
So you thing it is correct that the mother decides on these things alone, i.e., taking full control over the kid's life? Yes, divorces are all about control, and women are mostly on the winning side of this.
Load More Replies...
Linda Lee 4 years ago
I tried to get child support in the 90's but never got a penny. Fast forward to 2020. I find out that the man who's living with me skipped out on paying child support in the 90's. "because she was a b*tch and took his motorcycle" I was shocked, stunned, scared, enraged and speechless. I don't even see him as a man anymore, all I see is a self absorbed jerk. Because of covid were stuck living together. We broke up almost a year ago. I had him sign a month to month lease. He is never late paying me rent. He has the guest bedroom and abides by my rules. He has nowhere else to go and his credit is so bad he can't qualify for an apartment. Finding out that he skipped out on his responsibility of paying child support is a deal breaker for me. I lost all respect for him.
Missmic 4 years ago
This. When I left my ex during my pregnancy he initially threatened allsorts then moved on very quickly, never to be heard from again. I didn't apply for child support until my son was 5 years old. He tried to fight it, then wanted contact. He met my son TWICE before making a pass at me (despite being married to the woman he met while I was pregnant) saying his marriage was a mistake blah blah...of course I turned him down. He dropped contact again and my son hasn't heard from him since. He and his wife now have a son together. He still does everything he can to avoid paying child support for mine.
Jerry Mathers 4 years ago
I think the reasons for not paying child support vary across the spectrum. While this persons theory may be accurate for some, it certainly doesn't cover even the majority of cases. And I've seen villains on both sides. Sadly, in cases where the support is not paid or it isn't used as intended, it's the child that suffers. And when the parent is absent or only sporadically involved, they suffer even more. To me, having a child is a privilege and a joy. It's not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that. But when two people make a decision that results in a child being born, they both incur a debt to that child to do their best for it, to love and care for it, and ultimately to raise it in the best way they can. If you aren't ready for that, then take the bloody precautions necessary to it doesn't happen. Too many see the child, not as a person, but a burden or means of gaining finance or a toy or something else. When that happens, you are handicapping that person. Not ok at all
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I've never met a man who ditched his child support payments for any reason but these 1. He suffers addiction and the drugs got his money 2. He's jobless 3. he's punishing the ex for the split 4. he wants the money for himself b/c why should he pay for a kid he spawned but isn't raising 5. he just wants to walk away from the whole thing and forget the kid exists at all, b/c it's easier for him to find a new relationship/life that way. And all of these came from just my dad's brothers. And one cousin. So.... It varies person to person. And women can be horrible to kids, and skip child supoprt, too, if the father is the primary custodian. TLDR: People can suck.
Sergio Bicerra 4 years ago
I've heard another one: he doesn't realize how much raising a kid costs, so assumes the mom is using the money for herself
Load More Replies... Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago (edited)
I'm sorry but control goes both ways. Can't count how many times I have heard and read about women using their kids as p**n chips during seperation/divorce. Even to the point of lying about things such as abuse. Yes there are dead beat dads that don't pay or resist paying child support but I have heard many cases where some men withhold child support coz the mother is being spiteful and withholding the child. Another thing is that sometimes the child support is too much, especially when it comes to shared custody. I had a friend that had to pay 1/3 of his wage for child support but also had to pay extra whilst they were in his care. He adores his kids and spoils them rotten. The mother on the other hand takes advantage and always asks for extra money for something or rather, and he will just do it wether he can afford it or not.
Suz66 4 years ago
It's true, there's a lot of men who do pay child support. This article seems to generalize men in general as deadbeat dad's.
Load More Replies... Claire O'Connor 4 years ago
Long term married with no kids, so no dog in this race. I think the system is wrong. After splitting a relationship with children: then the child support should be paid by the state, and the parent responsible for paying child support should have to pay that money to the state. That would ensure more child support got paid (harder to default the state than your ex partner), and also remove the drama of money being a factor in the co parents lives. Then the co parents could have conversations about the children and how they choose to parent instead of having to ask where is my money. And d also then the parent with the responsibility for the child/children knows that the money will be there every month and can rely on it, make a budget.
Tenacious Squirrel 4 years ago
I feel that creates a lot more burden on the government and tax payers to fund peoples choice to have kids (on top of the funds already given to/required by parents and children). There will be plenty of parents who default on the payment to the state/government and plenty more money spent on chasing it up, taking them to court, etc. Two people create a child and need to be responsible for the effects of their decisions. If they can’t resolve it, the state steps in - this is how it already works and I think it’s appropriate. I don’t think it’s the government’s problem from the get go to sort out decisions made by two adults.
Load More Replies... Biba Little 4 years ago
It honestly depends on what kind of people they are. In my case, my ex husband didn't want to pay me child support because he said he would not have "control over that money", and I could "spend it on me". Problem is, I am totally not that kind of person, never cared about money, brands, stuff and I was sad to realize how much he didn't even know me. I let that slide, never got any alimony and after 20 years taking care of child without any child support he STILL thinks I am the one who is "obsessed with money". I really don't care, I have a job and I can pay bills but it saddens me that society is teaching men (also many Hollywood series) that women just care about money and they will spend child support like on new car or something. Many men hate women based just on those stupid prejudices.
Rusty 3 years ago
I would say today it is people dislike system abuse. I am a man, but the way people presume you would think I was the woman. I was the house-husband in our marriage, the wife was the career woman who brought home the money. One day she decided she was unhappy and left me and the kids. I would learn over the next 1000+ days of litigation that she had an affair, and they now live together. She never paid child support or spousal support. If my family had not stepped in to help the kids and I would have ended up homeless. I went back to school while being a single parent to 2 under 2-year-olds. Mom came back about a year later to file for 50/50. The court blindly granted it. In practice, the kids are with me up to 60% of the time. At times more. I pay all their bills with my new job. And the state requires me to pay "mom" child support. Is was sad, but that was what it was all about, mom wanted to make sure she would not pay any. I let it go when she abandoned us.
Load More Replies... lenka 4 years ago
I work in family law and yes, control is one of the predominate reasons men don't pay child support, but its not the only reason, and often there is a sort of evolution. Often early in the split they just want to punish their ex. They use child support and other means to financially manipulate and punish. Then they evolve to control - I will only pay if I get the visitation I want. I pay therefore I get to dictate how the money is spent, which school the kids go to, what activities they do and brand of clothes they wear (yes, these are things we encounter in family law). If control works, they stick with it. If it fails they often abandon/neglect the kids. They cant control them so they withhold love and affection and blame the mother for their lack of relationship with the kids. I've represented both fathers and mothers and this process, generally speaking, is quite common.
Hugo Raible 4 years ago
So you thing it is correct that the mother decides on these things alone, i.e., taking full control over the kid's life? Yes, divorces are all about control, and women are mostly on the winning side of this.
Load More Replies... Linda Lee 4 years ago
I tried to get child support in the 90's but never got a penny. Fast forward to 2020. I find out that the man who's living with me skipped out on paying child support in the 90's. "because she was a b*tch and took his motorcycle" I was shocked, stunned, scared, enraged and speechless. I don't even see him as a man anymore, all I see is a self absorbed jerk. Because of covid were stuck living together. We broke up almost a year ago. I had him sign a month to month lease. He is never late paying me rent. He has the guest bedroom and abides by my rules. He has nowhere else to go and his credit is so bad he can't qualify for an apartment. Finding out that he skipped out on his responsibility of paying child support is a deal breaker for me. I lost all respect for him.
Missmic 4 years ago
This. When I left my ex during my pregnancy he initially threatened allsorts then moved on very quickly, never to be heard from again. I didn't apply for child support until my son was 5 years old. He tried to fight it, then wanted contact. He met my son TWICE before making a pass at me (despite being married to the woman he met while I was pregnant) saying his marriage was a mistake blah blah...of course I turned him down. He dropped contact again and my son hasn't heard from him since. He and his wife now have a son together. He still does everything he can to avoid paying child support for mine.
Jerry Mathers 4 years ago
I think the reasons for not paying child support vary across the spectrum. While this persons theory may be accurate for some, it certainly doesn't cover even the majority of cases. And I've seen villains on both sides. Sadly, in cases where the support is not paid or it isn't used as intended, it's the child that suffers. And when the parent is absent or only sporadically involved, they suffer even more. To me, having a child is a privilege and a joy. It's not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that. But when two people make a decision that results in a child being born, they both incur a debt to that child to do their best for it, to love and care for it, and ultimately to raise it in the best way they can. If you aren't ready for that, then take the bloody precautions necessary to it doesn't happen. Too many see the child, not as a person, but a burden or means of gaining finance or a toy or something else. When that happens, you are handicapping that person. Not ok at all
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