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Stepmom Calls Teen’s Bio Mom A “Part-Timer” When He Refuses To Be Adopted By Her
Blending two families into one takes a lot of effort from everyone involved. Even though there was some tension, Reddit user Throwawaydontunderst thought his situation was going alright — until his dad’s new wife started insisting he call her “mom.” The teenager just didn’t feel like she was. However, the pressure got to him, and he started doubting his decision. So, the boy made a post online where he described his situation in detail and asked others to share their take on it. Here’s what he wrote.
RELATED:
Kids have relatively little say in their parents’ decision to remarry and form a new family
Image credits: Image-Source / envato (not the actual photo)
But they do have tremendous power in shaping it
Image credits: valeriygoncharukphoto / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwawaydontunderst
The quality of parent-child relationships depends on multiple factors, but genetic relatedness is one of them
Image credits: msvyatkovska / envato (not the actual photo)
Conflicts like this one might be, at least on some level, predetermined. In 2023, Gallup asked American parents and caretakers to describe the overall quality of their relationship with a child from their household (respondents from households with more than one child were asked to select the child with the next birthday). The majority — or 60% — said it was excellent (5/5), while only 1% described it as poor (2/5) or very poor (1/5).
Both the parents and the children’s sex were unrelated to the assessment, meaning fathers and mothers evaluated relationships with their children similarly, whether they’re girls or boys. Measures of socioeconomic status, such as education, household income, race or ethnicity, also did not seem to predict higher- or lower-quality relationships.
However, the ratings varied greatly depending on the age of the child. When talking about their toddler (aged 3 and 4), 80% of parents called the relationship excellent, compared with only 48% of parents asked about their teenager (aged 13-19).
Other parental characteristics also associated with the quality of their relationships with their child included parental marital status, the quality of their relationship with their partner (which was asked of those in a romantic relationship), and, a factor that played a part this time as well, genetic relatedness.
Biological parents were more likely to report an excellent relationship with their child (62%) than adoptive parents (50%) or stepparents (31%).
Plus, cultural critic Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., and author of the book Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, says stepmoms have it the hardest in blended families.
“The longitudinal studies of stepfamily life by psychologists James Bray and Mavis Hetherington and sociologist Constance Ahrons show that kids of all ages resent getting a stepmother more than getting a stepfather, and that they resent her for longer,” she explains.
“In Hetherington’s study, less than 20% of adult stepchildren said they felt close to their stepmothers. And while more than half of adult stepkids told Ahrons they were happy about mom remarrying, less than 30% were happy that daddy had … Finally, the longitudinal studies and interviews I did for my own book suggest that you don’t have to be a ‘homewrecker’ to be resented: regardless of how the previous union ended, a stepmother is likely to be the lightning rod for his kids’ unhappiness and anger that their parents broke up.”
Hopefully, these folks can find a way to overcome their difficulties.
As his story went viral, the teenager provided more information in the comments
Some of those who read what happened thought the boy’s stance is reasonable
And some believe he’s not thinking straight
Others said the whole family could step up
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Rick Seiden 6 months ago
When I was a teenager my family took in foster kids. Some of them stayed with us a few days, some for years. One never left and my parents eventually adopted. It's not the same situation, but there was a lot of, "You're not my parents" feeling going around. My parents always told the kids they could call my parents whatever they wanted. If they wanted to use their first names, that was OK. Mr. and Mrs., that was OK. Mom and Dad, that was OK. Some called them Mom and Dad, most went with first names. My sister started with first names but calls them Mom and Dad now. I think that's how it should be in blended families. Let the kids decide what they are comfortable with and go with that.
Tabitha 6 months ago
Precisely. The child coming into a situation like that needs time to find their place in the family—-and the family needs to have patience to give them that time, and to make that chosen place for them as comfortable as possible. Patience is key. You’re not going to be immediately playing “Happy Family”, ffs. People of ALL ages need time to adjust to the upheaval and the brand new home, family, town, school. Everything. Once they do adjust and have chosen their comfort zone, just let them be comfortable. If they’re really closed up and you want to draw them out, talk to them about it, and do it all gently and in THEIR time, not yours. Otherwise, you are justifying to do irreparable damage to your relationship with them, and possibly to them and their view of families and parents and new places. Patience is key.
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Rick Seiden 6 months ago
When I was a teenager my family took in foster kids. Some of them stayed with us a few days, some for years. One never left and my parents eventually adopted. It's not the same situation, but there was a lot of, "You're not my parents" feeling going around. My parents always told the kids they could call my parents whatever they wanted. If they wanted to use their first names, that was OK. Mr. and Mrs., that was OK. Mom and Dad, that was OK. Some called them Mom and Dad, most went with first names. My sister started with first names but calls them Mom and Dad now. I think that's how it should be in blended families. Let the kids decide what they are comfortable with and go with that.
Tabitha 6 months ago
Precisely. The child coming into a situation like that needs time to find their place in the family—-and the family needs to have patience to give them that time, and to make that chosen place for them as comfortable as possible. Patience is key. You’re not going to be immediately playing “Happy Family”, ffs. People of ALL ages need time to adjust to the upheaval and the brand new home, family, town, school. Everything. Once they do adjust and have chosen their comfort zone, just let them be comfortable. If they’re really closed up and you want to draw them out, talk to them about it, and do it all gently and in THEIR time, not yours. Otherwise, you are justifying to do irreparable damage to your relationship with them, and possibly to them and their view of families and parents and new places. Patience is key.
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